Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXX, Issue 24, 27 July 1940, Page 19

Wit and Humour

STEWARD'S HINT. "Doesn't this ship tip a great deal?" "Not that I've noticed, ma'am. She leaves that to the passengers." "What happened to that girl you met last week? You said you had fallen in love with her at first sight." "Well—l had a second look!" THE REAL JOB. Visitor: Are you having any trouble finding work for the unemployed here? Uncle Eben: No. Our trouble is in getting work out of the employed. Aunt Martha went to a sports meeting for the first time. The pistol went off and the men sprinted. Aunt Martha turned to her nephew: And do these men really think they can catch up with that bullet? "I wish that you'd show a little more tact," said the restaurant manager to the leader of the orchestra. "Here we have the Imperial Society of Umbrella Manufacturers having dinner, and you play 'It Ain't Gonna Rain No More.'" CONFUSING, The policeman had stopped a motorist who was breaking a rule of the road. "Now, let's have your name," he said. "Demetrius Aloysius Hebblethwaite," said the motorist. "None o' that, now," said the policeman, severely. "It's your name I want, not your family motto!" An ostrich went out for a stroll in the desert and thought he'd call at his favourite oasis, in the hope af running across a few of his pals. When he got there he found six other ostriches standing with their heads buried in the sand. "Just my luck!" he said. "Not a soul, about." WARNING. Young Man: I want a word of advice. Mr. Wader (grimly): Well? "What is the best way to approach you for a loan?" "If you are sensitive you had better write for it, and when you get my reply tear it up without reading it." On paying a visit to one of his patients the doctor stopped to ask the man's wife a few questions before going upstairs. "Is he dping exactly what T told mm?". "Oh, yes, doctor'" "And his medicine—does he take it religiously?" "Er—not quite," said the lady in confusion. "The truth is he swears dreadfully every time I give it to him." NOT AT NIGHT. An old Southern planter was discussing the hereafter with one of the coloured servants. "Sam," he said, "if you die first I want you to come back and tell me what it's like over there. If I die first I'll come back and tell you what it's like." "Dat suits me, massa," replied the old negro, "but if you dies first, Ah wants you to promise me dat you'll come back in de daytime." They were returning home in the black-out after the .evening out, and held a heated discussion at a doorway. Finally, they thumped on the door, and a window above was thrust open. "What do you want at this hour?" demanded a forbidding voice. "Are you Mrs. Smith?" asked the spokesman, hesitatingly. "I' am," she snapped. "Good," said the reveller. "Do you mind coming down and picking out Mr. Smith? The rest of us want to go home." A MISTAKE. "So Miss Goldreck broke off her engagement with, that magazine editor, did she?" ; "Yes, she wrote him some love letters and he returned them with a rejection slip stating that while he was always pleased to see.such things and they undoubtedly possessed merit, he was greatly overstocked with other contributions of a similar nature." FINALLY HIT IT. The sergeant was in despair. He grabbed a recruit's rifle after a hopeless exhibition of marksmanship by his section. Hastily he took aim, fired; and missed the target completely. "Now that," he said cooly, "is how you, Robbins, do it." Taking aim again, he pressed the trigger hastily, and again he missed. "And that," he exclaimed, trying hard to preserve his temper, "is how you, Hardager, and you, Phillips, do it." In despair he fired a third time, and managed to score a bull. "There you are," he almost screamed in triumph, "that's how I do it. Now, you careless good-for-nothings, remember, what I've shown you, and in future do it my way." '

AS ORDERED. Mother (on sea trip, to husband): Johnny's getting more and more rowdy by the minute. Speak to him. Father (reading): Hello, .Johnny. Mrs. Nuwed: Darling, will you lend me ten pounds and only give me five of them? Then you'll owe me five and I'll owe you five, and we'll be straight. . HESITATING. "You didn't carry out your plans to elope?" • "No. I found father was planning to \ move, and I didn't know where we'd find him when we came back." Seen before a country house: Agents, solicitors, collectors, etc., Keep Out! Beware of the Wolf on the Porch!-; Judge: Have you ever been, in trouble before? First offender: Well, I once kept alibrary book too long and was fined threepence. "I say, who was here with you last night?" "Only Myrtle, father." "Weil, tell Myrtle that she left her pipe on the piano." FIRST AID. He had been fishing patiently for several hours without a bite when a small urchin strolled up. "Any luck, guvnor?" he called out. "Run away, boy," growled the angler. "No offence, sir," said the boy, as he walked away, "only I just wanted to say that my father keeps the best fish shop in the High Street; just down on the right, sir." "You're double-faced!" shouted the interrupter at the political meeting; "you're double-faced, that's what you are!" "It's quite evident," remarked the candidate, "that my friend is not y double-faced, or he would not have come out tonight with the face he has on him." SCHOOL'S IN. Tommy was not paying attention to the lesson when teacher swooped upon him. "What is the meaning of the phrase, 'The shark's hungry maw'?" . But the lad's ready wit came to his aid. "It's starving mother, sir," he replied hopefully. An old man, up from the country, was riding in a taxi for the first time in his life. He was enjoying the ride very much, but one thing irritated him —that was when the driver put out his hand to signal the traffic coming behind him. Suddenly the old man tapped on the window and exclaimed in an angry voice: Young man, you look after the driving and watch where you're going. I'll tell you when it's raining. Levi Cohen was looking very dejected. That morning he left the house with five pounds in his pocket to try his luck at the races, but, alas! he had returned at nightfall footsore and weary, and nothing in his possession but a bad halfpenny. No wonder his better half was in a bad temper. "How is it," she snapped, "that you're unlucky at the races, and yet you always win at cards?" "Well, my dear," responded Levi, meekly, "you see, it's this way: I don't shuffle the • horses." The landlord of the local pub had a parrot which had a grand vocabulary. One day a stranger entered, and said his parrot could talk better. . After an argument a match was arranged for £10. the parrot which said the most words in ten minutes to be the winner. When the stranger's bird arrived, both parrots were put on the table. The local parrot did not open his beak at all, and the landlord had to pay his £10 to the challenger. When he was putting his parrot back in his cage, he said to the bird, "You're a smart one, you are!" The parrot whispered in his ear: "Listen, you. Make a return match for £50. and I'll talk the creature's head off!" A man in evening dress rushed into the bar opposite the concert hall. "... eighty-seven . . . eightyeight . : . eighty-nine . . . *ham sandwich . . . ninety-two . . . ninety-three . . . ninety-four . . . glass of sherry . . . ninety-seven . . . ninety-eight . . . hurry up . . . hundred and one," he was saying. Another man in the bar stared at him, and could no longer restrain his curiosity. , . , , . "Here, what's all this number business?" he asked. "Hundred and seven ... I play the drum in the concert-hall orchestra, and I have three hundred bars rest," he spluttered; "hundred and twelve . . . hundred and thirteen . . ."