WIT and HUMOUR

Evening Post, Volume CXXIX, Issue 59, 9 March 1940, Page 21

WIT and HUMOUR

MIGHT BE WORSE.

■ . At the Army and Navy Rugger match a big spectator with a very loud voice kept shouting: "Up the Navy!" at frequent intervals to the discomfort of a little man in front. During a lull, the latter turned round and said: "Pardon my asking, sir. You've served in the Navy, I suppose? "Lumme, yes!" bellowed the loudvoiced one. "I served in one of those 'hush-hush' ships." . . "Ah," murmured the other. "Thank goodness you didn't serve in H.M.&. 'Thunderer'!" "Tell me. soldier, what do^they call a man who refuses to fight? "A bachelor." . "Don't shoot till you see the whites of their eyes." "But what if they are bloodshot?" HER CHOICE. Soldier: Which one of these pictures of me do you like the best? Girl: The one with the gas mask on. . . \ When the waiter slipped the oxtail soup turned turtle. : ■ ■ ■ ■ - ' • An old soldier had been brought before his officer for the crime of having a dirty rifle. "A man of your service ought to know better," said the CO. severely. "You are an old soldier, and know quite well what is expected \of you. By the way, what was your last crime?" . „ \ "Having a dirty bow and arrow, sir, replied the man. , JUST AN ACCIDENT. With a wild lurch the motor-car swung around the corner and ran slap into a lamp^-post. . , . , Then six men; who had obviously been celebrating, climbed, out x>f the wreck and stood eyeing it owlishly. Up came a policeman to take particulars- but the spokesman of the party forestalled him. . , ..,.-, V „ "Sallright, constable," he, said; no one's fault. There's no—hiel--rone :; to blame.We- were all riding:.m-the bapk seat." \, ,;.., •■ ■•;■',• : : v ' ; • ■ '• -. '• "Did you take your wife with you on your trip?" , . „ "No, it was a pleasure trip.' "I understand you told someone I W"lt^wasn't I. You're barking up the wrong tree, old chap." HE'D KNOW. After their evening meal. Mr. and Mrs. Jones were chatting together. "I hear the Highbys are giving up that big house they moved into a year ago," he remarked. - • "That's funny. I was talking to Mrs. Highby last night, and she didn t mention it." ~ . . «, ™™^ "Well, I was talking to the, mortgagee this morning/ said her husband, "and he did." "And upon what income do you propose to support my daughter? "Five thousand a year. ... "Oh I see. Then with he^ private income of five thousand a-—' "I've counted that in. Mother: Doctor, my little boy who swallowed the half dollar, how is he.' Doctor: I don't see any change yet. DESTRUCTIVE, Customer: I want to exchange this unbreakable doll. _ . Salesman: Anything wrong with it, sir? "No, but baby's broken nearly everything else in the house with it. SUFFICIENT. After a long talk on the value of peace, good will, and disarmament a teacher asked his class if they objected to war. ~ , "Yes, sii, I do," said one boy. "Good," said the teacher. 'Tell me wiry'" "Because, sir," said the boy,, "wars make history, and I don't like history. REQUEST. The weary, road-stained hitch-hiker entered the office of a gipsy fortuneteller in Cincinnati. The gipsy motioned to a chair and then sat opposite the hitch-hiker. . . "Now, my friend," the gipsy began, "let me examine the palm of your hand and I will see what the future holds for you." ■••;./ • ~ The tired hitch-hiker shook his head. „ . „ , . , , "Never mind my palm," he sighed.' "Just look at my thumb and tell me when I'm going to reach St. Louis!"

"How did the Smith wedding go off?"

. "Fine, until the parson asked the bride if she'd obey her husband." "What happened then?" "She replied, "Do you think I'm crazy?' and the groom, who was in a sort of daze, replied, 'I do.'" "Name one of the exports from Iceland?" "Depressions, teacher." "I beg your pardon, ma'am," said the newly-arrived Irish maid to the officer's wife, "but is it Colonel or Major I should be calling the Captain?" Boss: But if you don't learn to write what will you do when you grow up? Girl: The same as you—have a stenographer. Magistrate: And when the riot started what did you do? Witness: I did my best, sir. Magistrate: What was that? Witness: I did a hundred yards in about ten seconds. Pete: My wife doesn't understand me, does yours? John: I don't know. I've never even heard her mention your name. THE MIRACLE. New Army Sergeant-Major: I say, you chaps, will you be so good as to form fours just once more? The last time you did it, it was a bit ragged. I feel an awful cad for troubling you like this. My humblest apologies. REAL THING. Private: May I have a week's leave to get married, sir? Captain: But I thought you had a week off last year for the same purpose? Private: I'm afraid I did, sir, but this time it's the truth. ; \. h. THRILLING. The rrnin■-. who had just returned from. France was relating a. thrilling experience. ---- "Yes/ 1, he said, "an Apache sprang at me in one of the streets of Paris, snatched my pocket-case of notes, and bolted. The gendarmes chased him, and when cornered he leapt into the river—-" "Ah!" said a listener. "Guilty but jn Seine." i May: Ever since Jack got married he's been having trouble with another woman. Fay What; an old flame? May: No, his mother-in-law. AN OPENING. "Now let's talk about you, shall we?" said the pretty film starlet. "All right, dear!" replied her admirer. "Well, then, what does a young man like you see in a girl like me?" IT DIDN'T WORK. Mistress: Here is a three-minute glass, Bridget. You can boil the eggs with it. . Bridget (five minutes later): The eggs is done, mum, but oi hey me; doubts about the blass. | SLEEPING IT OFF. i Youngster: Father says will you lend him your wireless set, please? Neighbour: Does he want to get some news? ' Youngster: No—l think he wants to get some sleep. ] NO CONSOLATION. Rector (to villager who has been pouring out his woes): Really, Johnson, you are not nearly so badly off as some people. Look at. Hodges, who has just lost his wife! Johnson: Well, that's no good to me. I ain't Hodges. ] .; SO THERE! After the old gentleman had completed his inspection of a- furnished cottage, he proposed leasing, he asked the pretty young servant: Are you let with the house, my dear? "No, sir," she replied, primly. "Im to be let alone." RETORT COURTEOUS. ! A pedestrian had fallen into a manhole and called for help. "Dear me," said a gentfeman who happened along. "Have you fallen into that manhole?" "Not at all," was the reply. "As you seem interested, I may say that I just happened to be down here and they built the pavement round me." Doctor: Did your visit to the seaside have the desired effect, madam?,, ' I Mrs. Fullpurse: Oh, yes, doctor, both j my daughters are married.

Wife: Do you like this hat turned down, dear? ? Husband: How much is it? Wife: Oh, £3. Husband: Yes. Turn it down. The caddie was showing the novice at golf some tips of the game. "Always keep your eye on the ball," he said. "That's one important thing, let me tell you." "Oh, so that's the sort of club I've joined, is it?" -observed the beginner. Because he was the squire's son he always played in the village football matches, but he wasn't much good on the field. Then came the annual dance. It was a festive affair, and in a particularly lively moment ,the squire's son slipped and sprained his ankle. The band stopped playing and the dancers crowded round him. Then up spoke the captain of the team. " 'Smarvellous!" he sneered. "He's stopped a ball at last!" Tourist (on reaching mountain top): There, I've left my glasses behind. Guide: Never mind, sir. We'll have it out of the bottle. The prisoner was charged with playing "banker" in the street." The old Magistrate looked at him and said: If my memory isn't at fault, were you not before me on a similar, charge in 1915? "No sir." replied the man, "I was in the Army then." "Ah, you were playing a much nobler game!" said the Magistrate. "Yes, sir. Crown and Anchor!" , "What is efficiency?" ; ' "Well, it's the art of spending niner tenths of your time making out reports that somebody, thinks he is going to read but never does." Pat: Phwat's the matter with yer face? Murphy: Faith 'twas an accident. The aul woman throwed a plate at me in the black-out. Pat. An d'ye call that an. accident? Murphy:-Shure! Didn't sn%-;hit phwat she aimed at? AND THEN HE pip. He was in a fearful temper. He jammed his hat on his head, scowled j at his wife, and went out without a word. She called after him:—. "You've forgotten something." "Well, what?" "You didn't slam the door." ' A POOR MARKSMAN. For the sixth time the barber had j nicked Old Joe, the grinder's, chin. When the barber had finished shaving, Joe said: — • '- j "Tat sign on thi door says, 'We aim to please.' Well, before I come again j just you put a bit more target prac-1 tice in." NOTHING DOING. -I Two men, both noted for their caution when it came to money, met in the street. ' "Well, well," said one, "fancy running into you like this. I was just looking for someone to lend me ten shillings." "Is that so?" replied the other. "Well, you've got a nice day for it." BAD TO .WORSE. In a small town a taxi driver was ordered to pick up an elderly woman, after a bridge party. Arriving at the house, he had waited some time when a friend passed and asked: "What are you doing here, Jack?" "I'm waiting for an old gambling freak in there," was the reply. His fare, who overheard the remark, complained next day to the man's employer, who was very annoyed. "Did he say that? I'll .talk to him! It's no business of his what you are." DANGEROUS. "I hear Mrs. Snort is down with blood-poisoning," "That old gossip! I should think she must have bitten her tongue.", CONSIDERATE. Mrs. Smart: My daughter is going abroad to study singing. Neighbour: That is very considerate of her. : EXACTLY. Teacher (to new pupil): I understand you go in for all outdoor sports. Pupil (smartly): No, sir; I go out for outdoor sports. SIMPLE MISTAKE. "Oi, Alf!" " 'Allo!" "You seen my gas-mask?" "Lumme! I thought you had it on!"