Wit andWit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXIX, Issue 35, 10 February 1940, Page 21

Wit and Wit and Humour

OLD? "That's a fine looking umbrella," said the visitor. . "Yes, sir. that umbrella is 30 years old." "Why, it.looks as good as new." "Well," replied the host thoughtfully, "it has been re-covered seven times and had four new handles, but with the exception of a few other minor repairs, it's just the same." WORKING HIS WAY. Visitor: Does Mr. Burton, a student, live here? Landlady: Well, a Mr. Burton lives here, but I thought he was a night watchman. NICE GOING. "How is your son doing in college?" "Splendid! He writes that he has matriculated already, and he hasn't been there but a week." : AND KEEPS TRACK OF ITS CHECKS. "He is the recording secretary of a chess club." "But what does he do?" "He reads the hours of the last meeting."

j^.,<i .i.« > i«ihii»»»TTl ■ " — — MONEY WASTED. "Why is Sandy so down at th. mouth?" , ~. . , "He bought a score card at the fool ball game this afternoon and neithe side^scoi^d:"*'--'^'" I^"':';' .' :^': ' ■"*"■ SAYS THE OFFICE SAGE. The girl who speaks volumes alway ends up on the shelf. BIG ONES ON TOP. On to the parade ground marche the colonel. He gave a look at th paraded men, rubbed his monocle, an had another look, "Hang it all," he barked at the caj: tain, "what's the idea of parading a the big men in front of the smalle "Sorry, sir," explained the captaii "it seems that the sergeant had fruit stand up to a few months ago. PAMPERING THE POOCH. Lady (handing over dog to man i baggage car): Now, before you giv him his meals, I want you to sa^ "Diddum Dinkie want oo' dindums? Arid if he yawns, he's not quite read for his meal yet." HER CHOICE, "What is the height of happiness "In my case he's about five fee seven inches. UTOPIA. "What is the average man's idea c the proper form of taxation?" "A system that will tax whateve he hasn't any of." SMALL CHANGE. A small Cockney recruit went t join up, and the recruiting officer saic What's the good of a little chap lik you joining up? The recruit looked at him and saic What do you expect for two bob day? Napoleon? WHO DOESN'T? "Do you think it right to buy a automobile on the instalment plan? "Sure, 16,000,000 people can't b wrong." ALREADY STARTED. "Do you think our boy will leav footprints on the sands of time?" "He'd leave 'em anywhere. Just 100 out in the hall." SH-H! "Was the dinner a quiet affair?" "It was after the soup course.*' NEW CROP. "What do you think is the troub] with farming?" "Well," replied Farmer Bentove "in my day when we talked aboi what we could raise on 60 acres, w meant crops, not loans." Mr. Goodthihg: How does your sistc like the engagement ring I gaye he Bobby? Her Young Brother: Well, it's a litt: too wnall. She has an awful hard tingetting it off when the other fellov call. Politics—where they pat you on th back, so they'll know where to stic the knife. It is the lean, loosely-built perso who is most easily persuaded, accordin to a psychologist. Stout people tali rather more getting round. A London taxi-driver, putting on spurt to reach a railway station at certain time, ran down a cart, upse tine its contents. A policeman, confronting the tax driver, demanded his name. "Michael O'Brien," came the reply /'lndeed," said the policeman; "that my name, too. Where do ye coir from?" "Cork." "And so do I. Now just wait hei a moment while I go over and chari this man with backing into ye."

HOME PAPERS PLEASE COPY. "Harry, I wish you would arrange j your business differently." "Why and how?" t "So you would be a bear on Wall / Street instead of at home." j THIN EDGE OF THE WEDGE. "Food rationing in England is now becoming intense. The Englishman s can no longer have his bacon with his - c ham and eggs for breakfast." SURE SIGN. I "How can you tell the difference t between a professor and a student?" t "Well, if there are only two in a room and one of them is asleep, the r other is the professor." s r PROBLEM'S PROBLEM. "I wish," said a 13-year-old boy wistfully to his Sunday school teacher, "that I wasn't a problem child." "What do you mean?" asked the j startled teacher. * "Well, my mother keeps going i around bragging that I'm a prqblem * child, so I have to keep on thinking up crazy things to do. If she'd keep 1 . still, I could relax, tqo," he explained gravely. . «

BOTH WILLING. Le A tourist came updri a woodcar wagoner driving a pair of horses v t. tandem fashion. The trace horse wai >r straining at his chains, while the othe: ' seemed none -too skeen^on^it.^^'"That's a very willing horse yoi have in front," remarked the tounsi "Oh,.they're both willing in-a way,1 rg replied the wagoner. "Indeed! It doesn't' seem So tb me.1 "Yes," explained the driver, "th( one in,front is willing to.do all th< pulliiig and the one in the shafts i; <j willing to let him!" ~] ;_ d '" ■"' --■ HELPING OUT. ' >r "Your school report is disgraceful « Bobby. Aren't you ashamed of your * self?" "Dad, you promised me £1 if ' brought home a good report, an< 7, mummy told me you couldn't afford it.' A SCOTTISH WEBSTER. An optimist and a pessimist wen n defined by a speaker at a meeting c in Falkirk the other day as follows:- ---& "An optimist is a man who sees j v light that isn't there, and^a pessimis • is the fool who tries to blow it out. BAN ON GENERALS. The farmer told his visitor tha v most of the men working in a fiel( *• were ex-soldiers. "Oh, really! All privates, I sup pose?" "Well, as a matter of fact the: jf aren't," said the farmer. "There ar< one or two privates. One of then >r was a corporal. There's a major, an( ' a colonel. "Dear me! All good men" "Well, the privates are pretty goo< ' on the whole and the corporal isn' 0 too bad. The major's so-so.' j : "And the colonel?" :e The farmer hesitated. "I'm not goinj to say anything against a man wh< I: has been a colonel in the army; bu a I've made up my mind that, whateve: happens, I'm not going to hire an: generals." CAREFUL, n, Jenny, hugging her favourite dol ■ that had lost both arms and its hah: c went to visit a ten-months-old coush she had never seen before. After eye iug the baby for several minutes, shi asked: "How long have you had her Aunty Emily?" pc "Just ten months, dear," her aun , replied. , ~. , k Jenny transferred her critical gaz< to her battered doll, and observed "Well, I must say you certainly hay( taken good care of her! A correspondent says that som> shrubs he planted in his garden a yea ago now obscure his windows and in crease the electric light bills. He ha resolved to cut down expenses, le _ f f ' "I hope you'll excuse me. I haven' ,J: played this violin since January?" c "What year?" . Wife (reading): A mistress shouli sr treat her maid with the same consid r, eration that she treats her husband. Husband: Yes, and how long do yoi le think they would stay? le __; ITS - • • A current joke, not openly told ii Moscow, is that "Stalin has had a] ,„ his old friends executed; now he i JiT falling back on mere acquaintances. Mother (relating pathetic story) >n Now, Dennis, wouldn't you like t ig give your bunny to that poor littt cc boy you saw today who hadn't air father? Dennis (clutching rabbit): Couldn' we give him father instead?" a >t_ A Kansas man, who has lived in th "Dust Bowl" for several years, say : j. he has gotten so he can tell from th taste of the dust what State it come ; from: The worst dust, he says, come ;'s either from the Dakotas or easten ie New Mexico. He claims that last yea he ate so much North Dakota dust tha he talked Swede more than half th re -time. Then the wind shifted and blev je in from New Mexico until he got t talking Mexican.

HOW DUCKY. "How did you lose your job at the dress shop, my dear?" "Just because of something I said. After I had tried twenty dresses on a woman, she said, 'I think I'd look nicer in something flowing,' and so I asked her why she didn't go.jump in the river." • HOLIDAY FASHIONS. Butcher: Shall I dress the turkey for you, madam? Mrs. Newed: No, because there's no telling what they may be wearing two days from now, and I wouldn't want it to be. out of style. OUTSTANDING DIFFERENCE. Behind the lines the troops were about to rehearse an important attack and were being addressed by the general. "There are," he began, "certain essential differences between a rehearsal and the real thing. In the first place there is the absence of the enemy. In the second. ..." i The general turned to the sergeantmajor. "Tell the men the second essential difference," he said. "The presence of the general," remarked the sergeant-majbr promptly. ' SH-H! A little girl, attending church for the first time, was amazed to see all kneel suddenly. She asked her mother what they were going- to do: Her mother replied: "Hush! They're going to say there prayers." "What, with all their clothes on?" asked the little girl.

ANY NEWS FROM WASHINGTON? t M. F. S. reports seeing the following v sign in a San Francisco store window: s Do Your Christmas Shopping Early. r The Date May Be Changed, n •' ' ——— ;; ABIE WEBSTER. Teacher: Abie, can you tell me the « difference between perseverance and obstinacy? I Abie: Sure. One is a strong will and s the other is a strong won't. AHEM! Little Ted was saying his go-to-bed [, prayers in a very low voice. "I can't hear you, dear," his mother whispered. * "Wasn't talking to you," the small f, one answered firmly. WANTED HER MONEYS WORTH. p The official was consoling a woman * resident of London who seemed rather 1 apprehensive of air raids. a . "It's hardly likely that London will t be attacked," reassured the official., " "What!" shouted the indignant and surprised lady, "after all the money the Government's spent on defence^ t ' ' "* 1 ANTICLIMAX. Counsel was cross-questioning a wit- " ness in an important case. He asked: , "And on July 11 you say you called 7 upon Mrs. Murphy. Now what did she ! say?" 1 "1 object, my lord, to the question,' interrupted the opposing counsel. Then ensued an hour's fierce argument beg tween counsel; and in the end the I Judge allowed the question. "And as I was saying," continued counsel, "you called upon Mrs. Murphy. „ Now what did she say?" , a "Nothing—she was out," was the t reply. A LONG WALK. The M.O. looked at the youth's feet, and rejected him. "You couldn't possibly stand the long marches, son, he ■1 explained. '' The would-be recruit burst into tears. - "Why are you so upset?" asked the c doctor. '» "Well, sir," replied the youngster, I . walked 217 miles to get here . . .and t I can't bear the thought of walking c back." 8 Jones: He got rich in six months by writing poetry. Miss Brown: Indeed. s Jones: Yes; wrote love sonnets to a r rich widow. s Assistant (in men's clothing store): I assume you are looking for something in men's clothing? 1 Lady: I certainly am. Have you seen my husband around here? d "I was sorry to hear that you have I- buried your uncle." "We had to—he was dead." v ______ The only son had announced his engagement. \\ "What? She is much too old for g you," said mother. " "Has she red hair?" said auntie. "I understand she is very fond of pleasure," said grandma. : "She has no money," said uncle. 0 "But she has one important quality," c said the son. y "What is that?" chorused the family. ,x "She has no relatives."