WIT and HUMOUR

Evening Post, Volume CXXVIII, Issue 73, 23 September 1939, Page 21

WIT and HUMOUR

TWENTY TO THE DOZEN. Tom: I was given a watch for. a birthday present. Bill: Does it go well? Tom: Rather. It does an hour in fifty minutes.; NEARLY. First Office Cat: That cat Violet is always borrowing my pencil. She says, hers wants sharpening arid she hasn't, got a knife. Second Ditto: Hasn't she got a tongue in her head? First Ditto: Well, dear, I shouldn't; think it's quite sharp enough for that! SEASONABLE. A little boy was late home from school, so mother said: "Why were you kept in this morning, Jack?' "Well," replied Jack, "the teacher asked me to name the four seasons and I said salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar." REPEAT. "And so," said the Magistrate, severely, "this is the fifth person you have knocked down this year?", . "Pardon me'," said the girl motorist, with dignity, "the fourth. One of them was the same person twice. "I must change my doctor." "Why?" "He ordered my friend away to the seaside for a month arid he only recommended me to gargle with salt water. Mother: I hope they' haven't given you a nickname at school? Marmaduke: Yes, they have. "WhaMs it?" "How' awful—what does it mean?" "That I am at the foot of the class. "You want a job as sardine packer? Any experience?" '■~,, "Yes, I was once a bus conductor. "A certain famous motor-car" manufacturer advertised that he had put a car together in seven minutes. The next evening he was called on the telephone and asked if.it was true. "Yes," he answered. "Why? "Oh—nothing, but I believe I got the car," was the reply. Man (entering police station): Has anyone brought in a bottle of whisky I left on a tram? , ■• , Inspector: No, but a constable has just brought in the man who found it. THE GREENHORN. The expert had condescended to teach the new member how to play golf. Placing the ball on the tee and pointing to the flag on the second green he explained: "You must drive the ■ ball as near to that flag as you can. The novice drove, and the ball stopped within one foot of the hole. The expert was amazed, but the other merely inquired, "What do I do "You knock it into the hole," replied the expert. "Into the hole!" exclaimed the novice. "Why didn't you tell me that at first?" Mistress: Marianne, the bannister rail is very dusty. Maid: I did not notice, ma'am. Mistress: At Mrs. Smith's there as never a spot of dust on the bannister rail. , Maid: That may be, madam, but do not forget that she has four young sons. Matrimonial Agent: Before I can recommend you to a good party, you must deposit a guinea. Client: Do you think I should think of marrying if I had a guinea?. Small Boy (to very fat uncle): I say, uncle, what a ripping feed a chap could have if he was as hungry as I am and as roomy as you are. Doctor: Where is the pain? ' Patient: In my head. That must be nerves. No, doctor, it was a brick. Passenger (to guard of local train): You're early this morning. Guard: Yes, we had the wind behind us. He: If .we could get our expenses cut down! She: How? He: If you could cook we could save a lot of money. She: Yes, and if you could save money, we could keep a cook. "Old Hardhear, the pyjama salesman, is getting so deaf, we shall have to dismiss him." "Why? Why not put him into the complaints department?" "Mje husband is a commercial traveller. He is only home four weeks in the year." "That must be awful for you." "Yes, I just can't count the days until he goes off again." "It's impossible to find an honest maid. The last one I had stole two frocks." "Which were they?" "Those silk ones I smuggled over from Paris." SIMPLE. "Now, boys," said the teacher, "suppose in a family there are five children and the mother has only four potatoes to divide among them. She wants to give each child an equal share. What should she do?" Silence reigned in the room. Everybody was calculating diligently. Finally, one little boy put up his hand. "Well, Johnny, what would you do?' asked the teacher. "Mash the potatoes, sir." NASTY. The little man in the corner of the tram glared at the stout lady who occupied most of the seat. "It's a pity they don't charge passengers according to their size," he remarked. "If they did," retorted the stout lady, "they wouldn't stop to pick you up at all."

GUILTY! • . An English tourist, motoring through a small American town, was involved in a slight accident which caused much altercation with the local policeman. "But look here," said the motorist, after a lot of argument, "you admit that I had the right of way when this other fellow ran into me, and yet you say I'm to blame." "Sure you're to blame," agreed the policeman. "And why?" protested the motorist. "Because," explained the other, "his father's Mayor, his brother's chief of per-lice, and I'm walking out with his sister." TWIG? "And then," said the man in the wit-ness-box, "my wife hit me with an oak leaf." . "Well, that couldn't have hurt you much," remarked the Magistrate. "Oh, yes, it did. sir. It was from the centre of our dining-room table," was the unexpected reply. WRONG BOX. A school inspector was putting a class of youngsters through a Scripture lesson. "Now, Tommy," he said, "why did Joseph's brothers put him in the pit?" "Because he had a coat of many colours," replied the boy. "Yes; and what has that to do with his being put in the pit?" continued the inspector. "Well," said the boy, "if Joseph had had dress clothes on, they might have put him in the stalls." JUST SUIT HIM. Diner (after long waiting): Waiter, have you ever visited the Zoo? Waiter: No, sir, I haven't. Diner: Well, you ought to—you wouldn't half enjoy seeing those tortoises whizz past. INFERENCE. • "How old is Miss Brown?" "I. don't know, but last year she had a birthday cake with candles, and three of the guests were overcome by the heat!" "I hear your husband has bought a motor-boat." "Yes, that is so." "What is it called?" "That depends on whether it works well or not." "May I introduce Mr.: Miller? You know, my dear Mrs. Jones, that he was for some time in the Canary Isles." "How charming—l do hope you will sing to us during the evening." Explorer: I shammed dead, the lion sniffed at me, then, with a wild roar, plunged into the forest. Bored Listener: I've smelt that hair oil of yours, myself. LUCKY. Doris: My brother has just come home. He's been tiger-hunting in India. Jean: Was he lucky? Doris: Rather! He didn't even meet one. "Max,., what shall I do? The babyTTas drunk the whole bottle of ink." "Don't worry, dear, for the time being you can use my typewriter." Mistress: Susan, do you know how to cook sausages? • , New Maid; No, ma'am. 1(Do them just as you do fish.' Susan (serving, sausages): , Well, ma'am, there was not much left after I had cleaned out the insides.. Husband: Why .do'you keep putting the hair brush Tound/baby's' face?.. Wife: I want to' get him used to kissing Uncle Joseph. Grandma: .If you are good whilst Uncle Jack is here today, I will give you a penny. • v , Bobby: I could not do it under two-, pence, grandma. Everything is so dear, especially chocolate. THE WAY OUT. First Rich Man: My poor relations; are continually coming to stay with me, and I can't get rid of them. Second Rich Man: With mine its usually a case of touch and go! QUITE SAFE. Mother: Where shall we hide Tommy's' Christmas presents? Father:. In the bathroom, of course. Husband (meaningly): We could go to the dance tonight but there are two j buttons off my dress suit. i Wife: Then we can go and sit in the dark at the cinema. ! Visitor: You don't 'mean to tell mci that you have lived in this out-of-the-way place for over twenty years. ■ Inhabitant: I have. Visitor: But really, I can't see what you can find to keep you busy. Inhabitant: Neither can I. That's why I like it. "You have wonderful teeth. Are they your own?" "Not quite—l have one more instalment to pay." Shopwalker: The lady complains that you have shown her no courtesy. Saleswoman: Then that is the only thing we have not shown her. "Why does the sword-swallower want such a lot of old razor blades?" "The doctor says he has indigestion and must go on a light diet." THE FAVOURITE. Tommy: There's lot of favouritism in our house. Uncle: Why, Tommy, what do you mean? Tommy: Well, I get punished if I bite my finger nails, and when baby puts his foot in his mouth, they think it's cute. ■ ,

Salesman: Boy, I would like to see someone with a little authority. Office Boy: Wha*. can I do for you? I have about as lrctle as anyone. Two Mexicans were to fight a duel. The first booked a return ticket; his opponent took only a single. "Caramba," exclaimed the first. "You expect not to come back, my friend? I always get a return." "I never do," said the other. "I always take my adversary's return half." . GOT WHAT SHE WANTED. Jones: My wife explored my pockets last night. Smith: What did she get? Jones: The same as any other explorer—material for a lecture. - "You have no speedometer in your car?" "No need—if I do forty, the lamps on ray car rattle—at fifty the whole car rattles —higher than that my teeth rattle." Landlord: But does the' chimney always smoke like this? Servant: Oh, no; only when there's a fire in the grate. Owner of Small Car: Half a pint of petrol and two ounces of oil. please. Garage Attendant: And would you like me to sneeze in the tyres, sir: Cook had accidentally locked the dog' in the pantry. Mistress: Has he eaten much? Cook: Everything except the dog biscuits. "Well, how is the new secretary?" "A genius—she has so- turned the office upside down that I cannot do without her." "I-would like to take out an insurance policy." "Very good, sir. Fire or life?" "Both —I have a wooden leg." .■ ■ ■ ■ UNLUCKY. "Do you know that your wife is going about telling everybody that you can't keep her,in clothes?" "That's nothing. I bought her a home, and I can't, keep her in.that, either." IN THE NIGHT. Doctor: Well, did you take my advice and sleep with all the windows open? Patient: Yes, doctor. Doctor: Good! And you've lost that cold you had? Patient: No, doctor. Only my best suit and my watch and chain. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER. Elderly Lady: Isn't it wonderful how these filling station people know exactly where to set up a pump and get petrol. PURPOSE OF A PLATFORM. Two American negroes were discussing politics, and one politician in particular. , "Well," said Sam, "Ah like him .all right, Ah guess; but his platfo'm ain't no good." "Platfo'm," replied Big Bill. "Platfo'm; say don't you know dat a political platfo'm is jest like a platfo'm on one o' dese railway cars—hit ain't j meant to stan' on; hit's jest meant to; git in on." SHOULD HAVE SPEEDED THE TRIP! . Boss: Why are you late this morning? Office Boy: I fell down a stairway! - Boss: That ought not to have taken you long! The college boy telegraphed^ his brother: Have failed in five subjects. Prepare father. The brother wired back: Father prepared. Prepare yourself. Taximan: I'll have a job findin' the other sixpence change for yer. Scot: Ah, weel, the night's young. Vicar: I hear you're leaving the village, McTavish. Moving nearer London, I understand? ■"Ay*" ■■.■«■„-'■ "Why are you going?' M "Ma wireless sets's no loud enougn. "Do you happen to know," Mr. A. asked the hall porter <of his club, if i I left an umbrella here-last night? ''Why, yes, sir," said the. hall porter. "And thank you very much. It is the on? that Mr. B. missed two weeks ago." ! Battered Motorist (returning to con-I sciousness): Where am I? . , Nurse: This is Number Six. Motorist: Ward or cell? Judge: The jury having acquitted you of the charge of bigamy, y°ujare: free to leave the court, and go home. Prisoner: Thank you, your Honour, which home? r "Why was the doctor at your h°"The cook fell down the stairs with; the best tea service." _• _ "Did she break something? "Everything except the sugar basin. She' Darling, I have cooked the dinner myself—guess what you are going to get? • He: Indigestion. Two farmers were discussing, the poverty of the hay crop, owing to unseasonable weather. "Mine was so short it was hardly worth cutting." said one. "Short?" queried the super-grumbler. "Did you see mine? I had to lather it to mow it." "You managed to keep a servant the whole summer? How did you manage it?" "We lived the whole season on an island. I locked up the boat arid she j could not swim." '