WIT and HUMOUR

Evening Post, Volume CXXVIII, Issue 49, 26 August 1939, Page 20

WIT and HUMOUR

"Does your wife talk a lot?" a man asked his friend.

E "Talk!" was the reply. "If I sudi denly became deaf and dumb it would _ take her about a week to discover it!" "I hate to see a man walking about ■ with his chin slumped down on his : chest," says a clergyman. But perhaps the poor fellow is merely wearing the home-knitted tie his wife gave him for a Christmas present. > Son at the university was applying pressure for more money from home. "I cannot understand why you call ' yourself a kind father," he wrote his . parent, "when you haven't sent me a cheque for three weeks. What kind of kindness do you call that?" ! The father wrote in his next letter: ! "That is unremitting kindness." i "Just what good have you done to 1 humanity?" asked the Magistrate, be- > fore passing sentence on the criminal. • "Well," replied the confirmed lawbreaker, "I've kept three or four dcs tectives working regularly." "Amos is getting very absent- ; i-1' >ded. He sat up till midnight trying : to think what he had to do." ' "Did he remember?" '■ "Aye, he wanted to go to bed early." : Counsel: How far were you from the i scene of the accident? Witness: Two yards three inches. Counsel: Did you measure the dis- ■ tance? Witness: Yes, I guessed some silly ass would ask that question. , Beginner (to caddie): Do you think I might drive off now? Caddie: Yessir. There ain't nobody in the bunker now. - "I'm all out of sorts. The doctor 1 said the only way to cure my rheumatism was to keep away from all dampness." "What's so tough about that?" : /'You don't know how silly it makes me feel to sit in an empty bathtub and go over myself with a vacuum , cleaner." Juryman (to prisoner sentenced to ; three years' penal servitude): Pardon ■ me, but do you want to let your house? Mother (indignantly): Elsie, I was ashamed to see you standing in the garden letting that Swedish gentleman kiss you. Why didn't you forbid him? Elsie: I - couldn't. • "Why'not?" "I do not know any Swedish." It was 3 o'clock in the morning. Heavy rolls of smoke billowed into , the night sky. Angry tongues of flame shot from the various windows of the blazing hotel. Below, an army of firemen fought ' valiantly to check the fast-spreading : blaze. On the second floor two men ; who had been celebrating, were ■ awakened by the commotion. One of , them staggered out of bed. He walked to the window and threw it open. A '. powerful stream of water from a fireman's hose caught him flush in the face. The other man propped himself up on a pillow. "What ish it?" he inquired. "No good," answered the other. ; "S'only water!" During a flag day one of the pretty ■ sellers approached a sour-looking man ■ who sat at the wheel of a luxurious • car. "Will you buy a flag for the hospital, please?" she asked. "No thanks," was the surly reply. "I contribute regularly to the hospital." "Ah!" said the girl, sweetly, "but we're collecting money today, not pedestrians." The jigsaw puzzle that Jones was trying to put together finally beat him. He pushed it aside in disgust. "I wonder who invented thes_ darned things?" he as.ked his companion. "Why, don't you know?" answered the other. "It was an Aberdeen butcher." "However did he come to think of it?" Jones asked. "That was easy," the knowing one explained. "He accidentally dropped a pound note into a mincing machine." I Diner: I can't eat this soup. Waiter: Sorry, sir. I'll call the manager. Diner: Mr. Manager. I can't eat this soup. Manager: I'll call the chef. Diner: Mr. Chef, I can't eat this soup. Chef: What's wrong with it? Diner: Nothing. I haven't a spoon. Heard in an Irish Police Court. Magistrate:- So your wife hit you on the head with a plate? You've no marks on your head. Pat: No sorr. But. begorra, you should see the plate. Jack: You know the apples in the cupboard that you told me not to eat? Father: Yes. "You know you said they'd make me ill if I ate them, didn't you?" "Yes." "Well, they didn't." Prospective Lodger: That was a fine dinner, and if it was a.fair sample of your meals I should like to come to terms. Landlady: Before we gang ony further, was that a fair sample o' yer appetite? "I shall leave all my property to my wife on condition that she marries again within a year." "Why do you say that?" "I want someone to be sorry I died." "A letter from your husband, I see." "Yes, it's chiefly to send these two needles for me to thread. He's camping, you know, and has to do his own sewing, poor dear." "Do you ever have to hurry to catch your morning train Mr. Jones?" "Well, it's fairly even, you know. Either I'm standing on the platform while the train puffs in, or I puff in while the train stands at the platform!". ■ •

HM-M!

"What do the three balls in front of a pawnshop mean?" "Two to one you don't get it back."

SHE KNEW

Postman: Being a postman is not so bad, mum, but you don't know how much it costs me in shoe leather.

Dear Old Lady: Yes, I can well believe it—especially when you have to deliver letters to foreign countries.

THOUGHTFUL,

Magistrate: Has your husband sent you anything since he left you? Wife: Only his kindest regards!

CONSOLATION

A friend met a cheerful Irishman who had plainly suffered some hard knocks.

"Well, Pat, how are you getting on now?" he inquired.

"Oh, Oi'm still hard up, but Oi've a fine job in Honolulee, and fare paid Oi sail tomorrow."

"Sure, man, you'll never be able to work there. The temperature is a hundred in the shade."

Pat had endured too much cheerfully to be discouraged.

"Well," he replied, hopefully, "Oi'll not be workin' in th' shade all th' toime."

COURT HUMOUR,

Rate defaulter at Tottenham: I promise to pay everything in one month, and—who knows?—perhaps I shall.

NOT SO FAR OFF! Preacher: Now, class, what is false doctrine? Johnny: I know, bad medicine.

THE RHUBARB PIE,

The young couple had not been married long, and one morning he said to his wife: "Look here, dear, what about a rhubarb pie for supper tonight?" - "I'll try," she said, "but I haven't made one before, you know." When he got home that night she called him into the kitchen and said: "What do you think of this?" There was a great pie. It must have been two feet long. "Why did you make a pie as long as that?" said he.

"Well," she said, "I could not get any shorter rhubarb."

SSH!

A lady entered the railway compartment and seated herself by the side of a salesman. After a while the traveller said politely: "Excuse me, ma'am, but "

"If you speak or annoy me, I'll pull; the communication cord," snapped the lady. , , , Whenever he attempted to speak the lady threatened to give the alarm. At last the train slowed up at a station and the traveller rose to his feet.

"I don't care whether you like it or not," he said, "but I want that- bag of strawberries you've been sitting on for the last six miles.

HM!

"Did you get a lot of lovely presents this year?" "Yes —and some from my husband's people, too!"

THE EXCEPTION. "Two rights never make a wrong." "When they are shoes they do."

Mistress: I do not wish to complain, Mary, but when the master places his shoes outside the bedroom door, he expects them to be cleaned.

Mary: Oh, does he? An' what does he expect when he leaves them on the front door step?

The motorist was late, and his hurry was so pronounced that a constable pulled him up with a jerk.

"Fine afternoon, constable, isn't it?" remarked the motorist, trying to be pleasant.

"Yes," was the curt reply, "probably about two. pounds."

A tall, raw-boned country fellow entered a theatre and suddenly flared up at the doorman.

When the excitement was over he explained: "He had it coming to him. I bought two perfectly good tickets for the show, and that fellow took them out of my hand and deliberately tore them in half."

"What was that last place we whizzed through?" "Winchester." "Was it? Good! I'd often wanted to see Winchester."

"Hair cut, sir?" inquired a barber of a customer whose head was almost bereft of hair.

"No," was the sarcastic, retort. "I want it done up in a bun and fastened with a pink ribbon."

Teacher: Now. Tom, hold your head up and shoulders back—you'd like to have a fine carriage when you are a man, wouldn't you?

Tom: Well. I'd rather have a car.

Motorist (stopped for speeding): What I know about driving would fill a book.

Constable: Yes, sir. And what you dorXi know will fill mine.

"As soon as the cold weather comes I have to stop playing billiards," said Smith.

"How's that?" asked his friend,

' "Every time the three balls get together they remind me of my overcoat." ,»

They were unloading cargo, part of which turned out to be cases of whisky. The bos'n in charge of the unloading, seeing this, shouted down the hold:

"Anyone down screw?"

there got a cork-

A voice answered: "Yes. bos'n. I've got one." "Well, come up out of it, then," yelled the bos'n.

Customer: This coat is not a very good fit, sir. Tailor: Veil, vot do you expect for five dollars—an attack of epilepsy?

TIME TO STOP.

"Can you give my daughter the luxuries to which she has been accustomed?" asked Mr. Wilkinson.

"Not much longer," replied the young man. "That's why I want to get married."

RECOMMENDED.

Customer: Can you guarantee this anti-wrinkle cream? Chemist: Madam, it would smooth out corrugated iron.

NEW LEAF,

Visitor: Your adventures are thrilling. Have you ever seen a seaserpent?

Old. Salt: Not since I signed the pledge, miss.

FUTURE IN VIEW.

Father was going to have a new suit, so he showed Sonny a piece of the material he had chosen for it. Sonny eyed it rather dubiously on the wrong side. "No," he said sharply, "I don't like it."

"But," said father, "you're looking at the wrong side of the material."

"I know," Sonny replied, "but that's the side I shall have to wear it."

BIT BY BIT. Do you guarantee this

Farmer: clover seed?

Merchant: I should say so! If this seed doesn't come up, you bring it back and we'll refund your money.

PLEASE REPLACE DIVOTS,

A man had invited a business acquaintance to play a round of golf with him. The guest, who was a very pompous individual,, was also a poor player and hacked up the turf with each stroke.

After he had carried away an unusually generous portion with his iron, he turned to his host and said, "You know, I don't care particularly for the game, but I like the glorious open country hereabouts."

"Quite," replied the other as he surveyed the scarred ground. "But do you mind closing up the open country as we go along?"

TRY IT ON,

Convict: Here, I'm not going to break rules. The judge said I wasn't to do any work.

Warder: How do you make that out? Convict: He said I was to be sent here for the rest of my life.

THE MISSIONARY MOVEMENT.

Minister (to flapper): Would you care to join us in the new missionary movement?

Flapper: I'm crazy to try it. Is it anything like the foxtrot?

PERHAPS NOT.

At Waterloo Station an American, arriving by the boat train, engaged a taxi to drive him to his hotel. Steamer trunks, hat boxes, dispatch cases, overcoats, and walking sticks were piled on the taxi. The driver peered out through a crack in the mountain. "Is that all?" he asked. "Yes," said the American, "that's the lot."

"Well, well," replied the driver, "I suppose they wouldn't let you bring the Statue of Liberty."

KINDNESS ON THE FARM,

Little Agnes from the city was vacationing on her grandfather's farm. One day she came upon him as he was cleaning some harness. On reaching the house she skipped over to her grandmother and said: "Guess what grandpa's doing? He's washing the horses' supporters!"

THE LOAFER,

"I wish I lived in Greenland."

"What for?" , M "With a night of six months ahead of you, it must be great to think that jthere is nothing to do until tomorrow." i*

TOO BAD.

The two small boys had quarrellea. The vanquished was left sobbing in the street, while the victor marched off indignantly. An old lady came along and tried to console the vanquished. , _./-,- "Never mind. Life is like that. You will soon find another friend." "Yes. but not like that one. His father keeps the sweet shop at the corner."

DOING HIS JOB

A page-boy passed through the lobby of the exclusive hotel. "Young man," remonstrated the manager sternly, "you should know that it is against the rules of this hotel for an employee to whistle while on d"Tm not whistling, sir," replied the employee. "I'm paging somebody s dog."

TELL TALE.

As a birthday gift Jones adopted the original idea of opening an account for his wife at a bank. Shortly afterwards the bank manager met him and told him to tell his wife that her account was overdrawn. Jones mentioned the matter to his beShaH who heard the information with a casual: "Oh, is it? „„„_ _-_ Next morning the bank onager leeeived a communication from Mrs. Jones When he opened the envelope ne found a large sheet of paper,, «J which was written one word— Sneak.

JUST COMPLAINT. "I've had a miserable bath, madam/complained the new boarder A tiny niece of soap and one small towel. P "But you've got a tongue m your head," replied the landlady sharply. "I know," said the visitor, "but Im not a cat!"

AMPLE OPPORTUNITY. Billy Binks applied to the local milkman for a job. "Yes, I'll take you on,*, said the m "Gonod n" said Billy. "Shall I have a chance to rise?" .... -ii,--.,-, "Yes, my boy, said the milkman. "You'll be up every morning at five."