Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXVIII, Issue 31, 5 August 1939, Page 20

Wit and Humour

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"Sir, I think it right to inform you that your daughter has decided to become Nny wife." ) "Well, young man, you surely don't expect me to interfere? You might have known something would happen, hanging round this house every night." The long hitter drove too soon from the tee, while an elderly bow-legged member was still playing his second. The drive passed between the latter's less* * "Sir," he bellowed, when they met later, "that's not golf, confound you." "I know," replied the long hitter, modestly, "but it's jolly fine croquet." A small boy was usually sent on errands by his mother to a shop where she had a credit account. Generally he was extremely polite to the shopkeeper, but one morning he strode in and said, abruptly: "Penn'orth of toffee'!" "You've forgotten to say 'Please, the shopkeeper reminded him. "No," replied the boy, "I haven't done anything of the sort. But it ain't 'tick' this time. /I'm paying caslv down." ■ They were entertaining friends in their, new home. Suddenly one of the guests sat up and listened. "Surely you're not troubled by mice, already?" she said. , "That's not mice," replied the householder. the people next door eating celery." It was midnight, and the rain was very heavy. The man who had dined not wisely rounded a corner , and sought refuge in a darkened doorVVlf happened to be the doorway of a sporting goods store, and over the store was a large sign in the form ot a fish* with a hook in its mouth and the line attached. The man took a look at the sign and became greatly excited. Hurriedly he rang the bell of the apartment upS The sleepy tenant poked his head from the window. "Who is it?" he called. The other waved his arms wildly. "Come on down!" he hiccoughed, frantically. "An' make it shnappy. You've got a bite!" Mrs. Buggins met Mra. xTuggins, an old neighbour, while shopping. "How long has your husband been working at the brewery, Mrs. Huggins?" she asked. . "He'll have been there five months, tomorrow," replied her friend. > "And how does he like his job? "Very well, I think. He's not been able to tell me yet." "If, as you say, your sweetheart is doing five years for forgery, why on earth don't you give him up?" "I couldn't do that, ma'am.' He gives me beautiful references." "So he is a reckless driver?" "Say, when the road turns the , same way as he does, it's just a coincidence." The compartment was occupied by four men, three of whom were reading their morning papers. The fourth was silently moving his lips, and now and again waving his hand .from his face. His actions interested one of his companions, who proffered his paper, remarking, "How time does drag on long journeys!" The man replied that he passed the time by telling himself jokes, but when asked why he waved his hand, he said, "Oh, that's when I've heard it before." Husband (shaving): My dear, I can't think what's wrong with my shaving brush; it's all- hard and won't bend, and I'm sure it was all right yesterday. Wife: Yes, it was all-right yesterday, dear. When I touched up the paint on the greenhouse door it was in lovely condition. The doctor put, a thermometer in the sweet young thing's mouth. "Thank you," she said. "Have you a match?" "This is a very nice collar, sir. Sevenpence, or two for a shilling." "One will do, thanks. I'll take the fivepenny one." We read of a Glasgow clerk who played the harmonium for 48 hours without stopping. Perhaps he had got the .instrument on two days' free trial. A traveller just returned from Africa tells us that certain African tribes beat the earth with sticks, as a sign of rage. Golf seems to be spreading everywhere. A Detroit hotelkeeper famous as can angler has just married his fourth wife. But you should have seen the one that got away. "Don't you think fishing is a cruel sport?" asked the companion. "I certainly do," asserted the angler. "I've been sitting here five hours and never had a single bite. I'm eaten up with flies and the sun's taken all the skin off my neck." Wife: Baby's swallowed the matches! Whatever shall I do? Husband: Here, take my cigarette lighter. Mrs. Newly wed: Guess what I've cooked for your dinner? Mr. Newlywed: I'll try. Let me see it.

ANYONE^WISH TO CARRY ON? "Who was the first President?" asked the lawyer, trying to test the. intelligence of a witness. "Washington," replied the witness. "Right. And who was our second President?" "John. Adams." "Correct." There was a pause. "He's doing splendidly," whispered a friend of the lawyer. "Why don't you keep on?" "I'm not sure who was the third President myself." . HMM-M! Mistress: Mary, go to the library at once, and see if they have the book "How to Remain Beautiful!" Maid: Yes, ma'am; and shall I say that it is urgent. "My wife does not understand me. i Does* yours?" . . "I don't know- I have never heard her. mention you." "Shall we waltz this one?" •'•■ "Right oh! It's all the same to me." "I was beginning to suspect that." "Did you get a commission when you were in the army?" asked Cohen. "Ncf," replied Abrahams. "I was lucky to get my wages." .Guide: This little stream disappears .'in the middle of the town and comes up again at the inn in the next village. 'Tourist: Ah, just like my husband. Exasperated Wife: The night before last you came- home yesterday. Last night you came home today. If you come home this evening tomorrow, morning, I'll go straight home to mother. ,' Lodger: It's disgraceful, Mrs. Skinner! I'm sure two rats were fighting in my bedroom last night. Mrs, Skinner: Well, what did you expect for. 10s a week—a bull-fight? Two worthies were boasting about their native towns. "Our Provost wears a chain," declared the one impressively. "We dinna hae tae keep oors on a chain," retorted the other. "We let him gang loose." Character can be told by the back of the neck, according to a scientist. All very interesting, of course, provided you don't particularly want to see fhe football match. i —- ■ A man rushed out of a house, across the pavement, jumped high in the air, and fell in the gutter heavily. A passer-by rushed to his assistance, lifted him up and said: "You did a very funny thing just then." "Yes," replied the other. "I thought I'd left my bicycle outside." HE FORGOT. Magistrate: You maintain you threw • your wife out of the second-storey window through forgetfulness? Defendant: Yes, your worship. We used to live on the ground floor, but we moved up one. FULL UP INSIDE. They were just married and she had cooked her first chicken. When he was about to carve it, he said: "What did you stuff it with, dear?" "It didn't require stuffing, darling," she replied, "it wasn't hollow." COOL RECEPTION. George had been late getting home the previous night. "Was the wife annoyed?" asked Bill. "Annoyed? I'll say," said George. "She left a note: 'Slippers in the refrigerator.' " BORING. Doctor: And that habit of talking to yourself—there's nothing to worry about that. Patient: Perhaps not, but I'm such an infernal bore. ELEGANT SORT. " Registrar of Marriages: The young lady is not a minor, is she?" Young Bridegroom: Oh, no, sir— she's a waitress. CAN'T BE DONE! "The thing for you to do," said the doctor to the man with the nervous complaint, "is to stop thinking about yourself and bury yourself in your work." "Good heavens!" said the patient. "I'm a cement-mixer!" A REAL RUSH. "How is business?" "Booming! We are awfully busy! Hardly time to snatch a meal. This one I am having now, for instance, is my lunch for the day before yesterday." THE RIGHT WORD. Client: I don't like these pictures. They don't do me justice. Photographer: Justice! Lady, what you need is mercy. PASS. Chemistry professor: What is the outstanding contribution that chemistry has given the world? Student: Blondes, sir. "Did you sound, the family about our marriage, darling?" 1 "Yes —father sounded the worst."

AHEM! "I wonder if we will ever have a machine to do our thinking for us?" "We do now. They call them political machines." CHEAP BOARD AND ROOM, Landlady: I won't charge you for breakfast, seeing you didn't eat any. Boarder: Tiaat's good—l couldn't sleep either. Hra-m! "Say, haven't I seen that face of yours some place else?" "Nope, it's never been anywhere but where it is now." AHEM! Customer: Usher, take me to the centre door or aisle. Usher: Or you'll what? GREEN.. Fish Dealer: Lobsters, lady. Fine lobsters. See, they're a.^l alive. Bride: Yes, of course. But are they fresh? NOW YOU TELL ONE. Angler (to friend): Yes, the fish was too small to bother with, so I got two men to throw it back into the water. . , FUSSY. "What's the matter, Jenkins?" snapped a shoe store manager. "Can't you serve this customer?" "No, sir," replied the assistant. "He's trying to find two shoes which squeak iii the same key." AHEM! Young Father : In your sermon this morning you spoke about a baby being a new wa^e on the ocean- of life. Minister: That's right. Do you think a^ fresh squall would have been nearer the truth. FAST ACTION. Would-be-Advertiser: Are you certain that advertisements in your paper bring results? . Country Editor: Absolutely. Why, the last time a man advertised a lost dog the dog walked in while the man was writing out the advertisement. - THE ALIBI. Taxicab drivers, according to a reader's complaint, charge extra fare °Vhf fabSfis-reply is that they can't see their way clear to carry passengers at ordinary rates. , ALL GONE! , "Where's your pencil, Maggie?" "Ain't got one, Boss." " "How many times have I told you not to say that? Listen: I haven, t one, you haven't one, we haven t one, [ they haven't one— —" ' "Well, where are all the pencils? f THAT MAN'S DRIVING A CAR NOW! [ "That new man Charlie weVe got ' on the pumps is certainly a live wire, [ said the manager of the petrol station. "Really?" "Yes, a motorist drove up'just now and shouted, 'Dione Quintuplets!'" , "That -was a puzzler;, wasn't it? 1 "Not to Charlie. He simply said, : 'Yes, sir,' and gave him five gals.!' WHAT DID HE EXPECT? * A bus stopped and the conductor looked up the steps expectantly, but . no one descended, and at length he ran'up the steps impatiently! I "Here you!" he said to a man on top of the bus, "don't you wanr the Houses of Parliament?" "Yes," was the reply. "Well," retorted the conductor, ' "come down for them. I can't bring the^a up to you!" .. • OVER-POLITE. Smiths6n (appearing late at party): r No, sorry I can't stay—l've only come to call for my wife. Polite Hostess: Oh, Mr. Smithson, what a pity you didn't come sooner. 3 ALL TRYING. "After listening to the radio now . for some years," said Smith, "my family have decided to have a little orchestra of their own. My wife is - learning to play the banjo: Willie is t learning to play the flute, Ernest i rather fancies himself as a jazz-drum-r mer, and Doris and Mildred are learn- > ing the violin.", "And what are you learning?" in-1 quired Brown. ' The other made a grimace. "I'm' " learning to bear it," he returned. SPEAKING OF FISH. "Are you the boiled cod, sir?" asked the dilatory waiter. "No," replied the weary customer, t "I'm just a' lonely sole with an empty plaice and I want to fillet." j OBEDIENT. 1 "My father's a policeman. What 1 does your father do?" "Whatever ma tells him." f GOING, GONE! 1 William wasn't paying attention, so I the teacher turned on him. "Three ! 5 pairs of shoes at six shillings a pair; now, how much?" ' I William promptly replied, "Seven I shillings and sixpence." ' s "Come, come, William, that's less, '» than half their worth!" the teacher ex- I claimed. ' "Well, that's my best offer," said 7 William. "Take it or leave it." t EASILY IDENTIFIED. A city boy was out to take an inventory of a farm. He hadn't any experience in this type of work, but he managed to make a list of all the ' chattels and stock until he came to an " animal which he was unable to iden--3 tify—a goat. r So he 'pnoned his boss, and said: ' "What do you call this thing that's around here with a rough coat that's worn out in spots, a white beard, and a long, sad face?" To which his boss replied: "That 1 must be the farmer!" \ * HABIT. ; A banker in a business slump got a temporary job as a gasoline station attendant and a customer drawing up to the pump requested ten gallons of gas. j Said the banker: How far are you travelling? The customer explained his journey . in detail, whereupon the ex-banker - said: "Don't you think you could get along with five?" THE IDLE RICH. , A country boy was taken on as a . page in a wealthy family. One evening, just before dark, after having been L called up to the drawing-room, he returned to the kitchen laughing heartily. "What's the matter?" asked the cook. "Why," said the boy, -"there are 12 ; of them up there and not one of them could draw the curtains. They had 1 to send for me to do it." OBEYING ORDERS. Instalment Collector: See here, what ■do you mean? You've never made a single payment on your piano. ' Well, the company advertises: "Pay as you play." What has that got to do with it? I don't play. TOO BUSY TO PLAY. David's mother was preparing for a large party and the lad was very much interested in the plans. A friend somewhat older tried to get the child to come and play, but David refused, saying, "I have to help my mother. get ready for the party." "Huh, what can you do about a party?" asked the older boy in a disgusted tone. "Well, I can taste the eats," contended David. MAKING SURE. "Mother," said little Tommy, "if a poor, hungry little boy came to the door and asked for something to eat, would you give him that piece of tart that was left from dinner?" .* "Why, of course I would," answered his mother. "Good! Just wait till I go round to the front door." ,