Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXVII, Issue 29, 4 February 1939, Page 27

Wit and Humour

FOR A CHANGE. The rather elderly couple, who had been courting for many, many years, decided to get married. The prospective bridegroom accordingly went along to the vicar. "Well, John," beamed the vicar, i "I'm so glad to hear that after all these years you and Betsy are to be married. Where and how are you thinking of spending the honeymoon, may I ask?" "Well, zur," replied John, smiling shyly, "us thought it would be a bit of a change like if, after us got wed, we .each went our different- ways for a week or so." HIS LINE. Jones knew that in addition to a good appearance he had a strong and well-modulated voice; so he felt that if he could only get a small part on the stage he would do so well that there would be no difficulty in getting other and more important parts. In imagination he saw his name in large letters upon the hoardings. He was, therefore, pleased rather than otherwise when such an opportunity actually occurred. He was given, only one line to speak, which was this: 'Stand aside there, and let the coffin pass," his cue being theTpresence of a clergyman on the stage. When the moment arrived he was not in the least nervous, and in a clear and authoritative voice (which reached every part of the, theatre) called out, "Stand aside there, and let the passon, cough!" "Wives should meet their husbands half-way," says a Magistrate. Many go the whole way on pay nights. ■ '&'..'■ 1 Phyllis: What a pity it is that handsome men are always conceited. I Archie: Not always, darling. I'm'

A man accused of being drunk and disorderly stated in court that he was half Scotch. He didn't say whether the other half was soda. "The modern boy *.has a definite says a schoolmaster. Which from all accounts would seem to be in:-the direction of the greenhouse. A country schoolmistress came upon this howler in a boy's exercise book: '.'Clandestine marriages are those performed by candle-light." Wife: John, the butcher will not give us any more credit—what will become of us? Husband: Vegetarians. Resort Hotel Manager: Mr. Goofus, come out here and look at this marvellous sunset. Cautious Goofus: How much extra is it? » "Both Smith and Jones proposed to Miss Brown. I wonder which was the lucky one?" "It's too soon to say yet, but she accepted Smith." SNAP. The landlady brought in a plateful of extremely thin slices of breaid and butter, which rather dismayed the hungry boarders.' "Did you- cut these, Mrs. Brown?" said one. ■' <-. » ■ ■ "Yes, I cut them!" came the stern reply. "Oh, all right," went on the boarder, I'll shuffle and deal!" -~. NOT AS ADVERTISED. An old gentleman went into a grocer's shop and bought a packet of cornflour. A week later he returned, and threw the empty packet on the counter. "It'sa downright swindle!" he said to the man behind the counter. "In what way was it unsatisfactory?" asked the assistant. "It's worthless," the old man replied. "I've been putting it on my corns every night for a week, and they are worse now than when I started. I'm going back to the old-fasHioned corn plaster again in future!" FLOWERY. Little Joyce was visiting her grandmother in the country. The morning after her arrival she went out into the yard and saw a peacock. "Oh, grandma!" she cried, excitedly. "Come here, quickly! One of your chickens has bloomed!" TOO SOON. Wife: I'm so sorry I was such a little'beast, to you this morning.

Hubby: Oh, it's no use trying to make it up—l'm broke till the end of the week.

JUST LIKE THEM. "How many of your girl friends are in our little secret?" "Six, all told." "They would!" MODERN. Teacher: Now, Tom, hold your head up and shoulders back —you'd like to have a fine carriage when you are a man, wouldn't you? Tom: Well, I'd rather have a car. HIGH! He started a shop in Hong Korig. And stocked it with cheese which went wrong. When asked, "How is trade?" This answer he made — ;, "The business is still going strong." "What is wrong with life today??' asks an essayist. A common complaint seems to be that it is not true to the cinema. HE COULD! The specialist joined his hands together and sat back in his chair, looking very grave. "I am afraid," he said slowly, "that there is nothing else to be done. You are in a seriously run-down condition, and the only thing that will really cure you is a complete change of atmosphere. You must get away. The best thing for you would be a sea voyage. Can you manage that?" "Certainly,"' replied the patient briskly. "I'm the captain of an Atlantic liner."

Of a well-bknown American comedian it is said that wherever he goes he is accompanied by men thinking out jokes for his new shows. He always has his wits about him.

"How did you enjoy your horseback ride?" "I never thought anything filled with hay could be so hard!" "They tell me he's, a wonderful after-dinner speaker." "Yes s 'you should hear him argue with the waiter -about the bill." - "The modern girl can get dressed in three minutes," declares a novelist. This, of course, includes the two minutes in deciding what to wear. "Artichokes may be thrown in a pit and covered with ashes," says a gardening hint. This, is said to be better than covering them with sauce and trying to eat them. Housewife: Will you have a cup of tea or a glass of beer? Window Cleaner: Beer's best, mum. I find it gives a better polish when I breathe on the glass. Said the circus 1 proprietor to the lion tamer: "What do you mean by going off to dinner and leaving the cage unfastened? Anybody might have nipr ped in and taken the lion!" BAD LUCK. The commercial traveller had been having a very thin time, but one day he came home in a tearing hurry and started hunting through his papers. "What's the matter, Jack," asked his wife: "Well/ came the answer, "I took art order today, and now I've forgotten the address of the firrri I work for." , Many a young man who fancies he is hard-boiled is really only halfbaked. If your wife laughs at your joke you can be sure that you have a darned good joke or a darned good wife. PROGRESS. Science is resourceful; it couldn't open the Pullman window so it airconditioned the train. .- , . A CHRONIC CASE. The visitor returned to the Lost Property Office. "Excuse me, but'when I came to inquire about my lost umbrella, did I leave my walking-stick?" THE OBJECTION. "And why didn't you like the job I got for you?" "When I said I'd take care of your friend's pets while he was away, you didn't tell me he ran a circus." STIRRING NEWS. "More than 300 tons of sugar are wasted every year in the bottom of teacups," says a statistician. This announcement is expected to pause a great stir in Aberdeen.

MADE PLAIN. , v "It's hard to tell just what the public want," murmured a disconsolate playwright, as the' hisses and groans of the audience greeted his new play. "It's easy enough to tell in this case," said the manager grimly. "They want their money back." A well-known football team was in training for the beginning of the season. During the course of the afternoon the gatekeeper came across to the manager. "Excuse me, sir," he said. "The referee for our game next week is outside with two friends. Shall I pass them in?" "A referee with two friends!" gasped the manager. "Show them in. I'll be really glad to meet him!" The lion-tamer had called for his usual evening drink, but instead of chatting in his customary light-hearted fashion, he stood and eyed his drink gloomily. "What's the matter with you tonight?" asked the landlord. "Well, the missus has told me to ask the boss for a rise." "Well, no.harm in that, surely?" asked the landlord in surprise. "No, but if he refuses she' wants me to start a stay-in strike." "Any complaints?" asked the orderly officer. ..'.--■■ "Yessir," replied Private Smith promptly. "These sausages." "What's the matter with them?" Private Smith picked up a sausage | gingerly with a fork. "Smell it, sir/ he said. The orderly officer did so. "Not very much wrong with it," he remarked. "Maybe just on:the turn, that's all." Private Smith was a racing enthusi"On the turn, sir; why it's 'arf down the straight!" The golfing novice was struggling round. At last he stopped and mopped this brow.

"What couldn't I do to a bottle of lager!" he exclaimed. , "Hit it with a golf club," retorted his disgusted caddie.

The village grocer was busily interviewing applicants for the post of messenger boy. To each one he put very searching questions so as to make sure that the boy would take an ...interest' in his work. "Well, my lad/ he said to one bright-looking .youth, "what -.would you do-with avthousand pounds?" \ , The lad scratched his. head. "I- don't know, sir," he replied. ."I didn't expect so much for a start." A tramp called at a door .and begged for food. "No, certainly not," said a forbid-ding-looking woman. "Go- away at once, or I'll call my husband." "'E ain't at *ome," said the tramp. "How do you know?" "Because a man who married a woman like you is only 'ome at mealtimes." . PROOF. "Is your mother in, Jimmy?" J "Of course, she's in. D'ye think I'd j be standing; here cleaning windows on a Saturday "afternoon if she was out!" AN ANTIDOTE. The open-air speaker was dealing with statistics "Do you realise," he cried, "that every time-1 breathe-someone-dies?" "You should try .cloves, mister," came a voice from the audience. OFFICIAL. Sarcastic Gentleman (to girl behind counter): Might this pen,, by any chance, be the one with which King John signed the Magna Charta? Girl: Inquiries on the right, shy PUNISHMENT. "Madame, your confounded dog.has torn my trousers." "Naughty, naughty Fido! I must punish him severely. I shall take his pink ribbon away from him for a whole week." SPOONERISMS. Arriving at church one Sunday morning a man found a strariger sitting in his seat. "Excuse me, but you're occupewing my pie," he said. "I'm sorry," said the stranger, "but I was sown into this sheet." ECONOMIST. Mother: With food prices so high, don't you think it a bit extravagant, Harold, to.eat both butter and jelly on your bread at1 the same time? Harold: Why, no, mother, I think it is economy. You see, the *same piece of bread serves for both. We read that a well-known boxer began his career as t a trainer's assistant. Later he struck out for himself. DOESN'T PAY. The only trouble with looking impartially at both sides of a question is that both'sides wallop you for being on the other. SOME SPRINT. The train was pulling out from the platform and the old man was just settling down comfortably. Suddenly the door burst open and a young man tumbled into the carriage and seated himself, panting and puffing, opposite the old man. The latter looked on with obyious disapprovel. "You must be very unfit, young man," he said after a while. "Why, when I was young I never, got out of breath and panted like that after a run.'.' "Perhaps not," retorted the other, "but I missed this train at the last station." DEPUTATION. Canvasser: You pay a small deposit, then you make no more payments for six months. Lady of the House: Who's been telling you about us? NOT SO THRIFTY. "Maybe this Scotch thrift thing is overdrawn." "What do you mean?" "So far I've never heard of a twokilt suit,"