Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXVII, Issue 17, 21 January 1939, Page 23

Wit and Humour

It was breakfast time at the house of the eminent professor, who had spent the major part of the night in his laboratory. "My dear," he said to his wife, "congratulate me! I have discovered a gas of hitherto unheard-of density, and I'm going to name it after you!"

A suspicious-looking man approached the front door of the suburban house. "Are the people of the house in?" he asked. "No; they're away," the maid informed him. "Have you renewed your dog licence?" "We don't keep a dog." "I see. Are your electric lights in order?" "We only burn gas here," she said. "Then," he said, taking a step forward, "I've come to tune your piano."

The wife arrived home breathless after a day of shopping. "Look, darling," she said to her husband, happily, "I've got one of those new hats without a crown, and'a dress without a back, and shoes without toecapis." "Well, what about it?" grunted the husband. "Look at this new suit of mine; it has pockets without money;"

"Why are you crying?" "Father called mother a waddling goose." "Well?" "Mother called fether a stupid ass." "But why are you crying?" "Well, what am I?"

It was. the first car he had ever owned, and he was immensely proud of it. As he took x it into a garage one day for a minor repair, he said proudly: "You wouldn't, think it was a sec-ond-hand car, would you?" "Good heavens, no!" cried' the mechanic. "I thought you'd made it yourself!" ' "Your'temperature seems to have taken, a drop," remarked the doctor, visiting his patient. ; "Can't you fix it so I can do the same, doctor?" pleaded the patient. An income tax repayment claim had been made for £20, but the taxpayer had miscalculated the amount, for actually £30 was due to him. A cheque for this amount was sent, and this is how he acknowledged it:— "Dear Sir,—l am now seventy years of age. At last I believe in Santa Claus." A physical culture expert had been giving a series of lectures at the village institute on the subject of keeping fit. At the end of the talks the chairman said:— "Our speaker is an example of what he preaches; he's over seventy years old and he could tire out many a man far younger than himself." "And he certainly did!" came a weary voice from the back of the hall. Jock strutted up and down theroom* 'learning to play the bagpipes. "Whit an awfu' noise ye're making ■said his wife. A few minutes' silence, and then the noise started again, and again the wife protested. "Ach! Whit are ye grumbling aboot, wumman?" said Jock piping in his stockinged feet. "I've ta'en off ma boots!',' In the course of a duel in. France the parties discharged their pistols without effect, whereupon one of the seconds proposed that the combatants should shake hands. To this the other second objected. "It is quite unnecessary," said he; "their hands have been shaking for half an hour!"

They had had a grand evening together, and had arrived at their homes in the small hours of the morning, slightly the worse for wear. Lpter in the morning they met again. The first said: "My wife carried on terribly when I got home last night." "Oh, mine never spoke to me," replied the other, "but I found a note to say that my slippers were in the refrigerator!" "Why didn't I have this soup before my fish, waiter?" "Between ourselves, sir, that fish" couldn't wait any longer." |.■ ■ ■ Captain: Look here, if we win this (match you're on a fiver! i Referee: Oh; and what am I on if I yo\i lose? Captain: A stretcherl TOO BAD. Jaywalker: So many people are struck by motors while alighting from trams. Tram Line Official: Well, yes, but | those people have paid their fares. It's this, running over people who are waiting to get on that makes me mad. EASY. A subaltern in India, up for his language examination at that trying period the viva voce, was asked to render in Hindustani the sentence, "Come under this tree." He said, "Oh, that's easy. I should just go under the tree and beckon to the bloke." ANYTHING BUT. The young village couple had just become engaged, and during a walk came to a field wherein stamped and bellowed a large bull. The path home lay through a corner of the field, but the young man refused to cross. "Ah thocht ye said ye'd face daith for me," said the girl, reproachfully. "Aye, that's richt," returned the other, "but that bull's no' deid." i

"Did you know that Miss Holmes was married today?"

"No, really? Who is the happy man?" "Her father."

"Listen to this, dear," said the head of the house, reading from his newspaper, "this article states that in some of the old Roman prisons which have been unearthed they found the petrified remains of the prisoners."

"Good heavens!" exclaimed his wife, "then that's what they call hardened criminals, I suppose?"

"A comet is a star with a tail," the teacher informed her class. "Now, can any of you give me the name of a comet?" One small boy answered eagerly: "Mickey Mouse!"

"Do you know, my partner is the most absent-minded man I've ever met. The other morning he thought he'd left his watch at home, and then took it out to see if he had time to go back and fetch it." " ....

"Oh, that's nothing," said.the friend, "to a partner I once had. He left his office and put a card on the door to say he would be back at three. Finding that he'd forgotten something, he went back to the office, read the notice, and sat down on the stairs to wait till 3 o'clock."

He: You want a third of my salary for your clothes. That cannot go on. She: No, dear; you must try and do some overtime.

A y mother was trying to\ break a piece of sad news as gently, as possible to her little girl, , "Mary," she said, "your granny has gone to live in heaven." The child -was silent for a moment or so, then she replied, "Gosh, how posh!" SALES ADVICE. • "How many barrels do you sell a week?" "Twenty." "I can tell you how to sell 25 barrels of beer a week." " "How?" ' | "Fill the, glasses properly." A PROBLEM SOLVED. It was Monday morning.'"'The rent collector's bag was getting heavy, but his heart was light till, he Reached the house of Mrs. Mackay. Master Mackay opened the door. "Mither and faither are oot," he said. "Will you call on Friday?" "H'm!" said the collector. "And why on Friday, my. little man?" "That's what I dinna ken/ said the boy. "We're flittin' pn Thursday." ALL THERE. Prospective Lodger; You advertised abed-sitting-room. I see the.bed, but Where's the sitting-room? Landlady: On the bed. IN THE BLOOD. "Joan certainly is a well-balanced and spirited girl." "Well, she should be. Her father is a tight-rope, walker, and her mother is a medium." . TACT. "Tell your mother, my "dear, that I thank her very much for sending me these lovely flowers." "And what do I say if she asks me did you give me anything for bringing them?" JUST WAIT. The Arctic explorer knocked at the door of the Eskimo's house. The Eskimo answered the summons. "Hello," greeted the explorer. "Can you direct me to the North Pole?" "That's easy," returned the Eskimo. "You're at the North Pole now." The explorer's eyes widened. He pointed around at the icy. waste. "You mean," he cried, "that this is the North Pole right here?" The Eskimo nodded solemnly. "It is," he asserted. The explorer waved his arms wildly. "Hooray! Hooray!" he shouted. The Eskimo blew on his frost-bitten fingers. 'Stick around awhile," he chattered, "and you'll change your mind." POWERFUL ITCH: The prospective customer entered the art shop. "I want to see some of those pictures that are done by scratchin'," he said to the assistant.

The assistant thought for a moment, and then his face lighted up. "Oh, yes," he said, "you mean itchings." JUDICIAL LOGIC. It happened in an Irish police court. An old offender was summoned for being drunk and disorderly. 'Ten shillings or a fortnight," said the Magistrate. "But, sir, I've only got two shillings in the world," said the prisoner. "Well, you must go to gaol. If you hadn't spent the money on drink you j would have been, able to pay the fine." EASY THERE. A young man took a girl into supper. He found her rather taciturn. I When the gheese arrived, he remarked to her, "I'm very fond .of cheese and !my brother likes cheese, too." Then | he asked her if her brother liked cheese. "I haven't a brother," she replied. Whereupon the young man asked, "Do you think he would like i cheese, if you had one?"

A labourer, after having been employed by a local council for two weeks, complained that he had no spade. "Well, you should worry," the foreman replied. "You've had your wages for doing nothing." "Yes, that all very well," was the labourer's retort, "but the others have something to rest on." He was a very bad sailor, and the steward was trying to cheer him up. "Don't ~be so downhearted, sir," he said to the suffering passenger, "seasickness never killed anyone yet." "Don't say that," moaned the prostrate one, "it's only the hope of dying that's kept me alive so far!" SHAME, KITTY! A lodger was complaining ■to the landlady that some of his butter was missing, and just as he had been told that it was probably the cat, the creature walked in. "Oh,, so there you are, you rascal!" exclaimed the lodger. "Fancy you cutting the butter with a knife simply to throw the blame on our landlady!" THAT CHOKED FEELING. For her birthday, little Pat had been given a ring, but, much to her disappointment, not one of the guests at tea noticed it. At last she could bear their indifference no longer. "Oh, dear," she exclaimed, "I'm so warm in my new ring!" \ ______ ■ ' ■ ■ . . .. . SHIFTLESS. "That Jones fellow is about the laziest critter I ever saw!" "Oh, I "don't'know about that; why, only the other day I saw him high up in an oak tree." "Of course, you did. But he laid himself down on the acorn 20 years ago." NO MUTINY. During the storm the mate ordered Sandy to go out on the bowsprit. Sandy refused. "Don't you know," growled the mate, "you signed to sail before the mast?" "Oh, ay, sir," replied Sandy. "I signed to sail before the mast, but no' before the ship." A STARTER. A young lady once asked Oscar Wilde to give her a list of the 100 greatest books ever written. "Impossible, my dear," replied Oscar, "I have only written five." \ SHREWD STUDENT. "Now if I drop a silver coin in this bubbling acid," said the chemistry professor, "will it dissolve?" "No, .sir." "No? Then perhaps you will explain why not." "Well, if it would dissolve' you wouldn't put it in, sir." CAUTION AT THE PHONE: ■ Joan, aged five, was speaking- to her father on the telephone for the' first time. As it was a little above her reach, her mother tipped the mouthpiece down towards her. "Oh, don't do that, mummy," she exclaimed. "Daddy might fall out." SHE MAY BE A GOOD JUMPER. The worn traveller wondered whether she could board the sleeping car in the yards, and Retire ahead of the departure of the train. "Can I get on No. 6 before it starts?" she said. ; The information clerk was irtore worn than she. "You'll have to, madam." A GOOD START. Young Artist: You must admit that I have a good many imitators. Critic: Of course —but most of them started many years before you did. REASON DE LUXE. Butch, better known to the prison keepers as No. 76,542, stood before the warden. Butch had staged an unsuccessful gaol brealc that very afternoon —and the warden was naturally curious about it. . i ~!'Butch,"kJthe. warden bejgan, "do^yo.u. realise that your foolish attempt to escape today has added another four years to your already long term?" The convict appeared very innocent. "I didn't mean nothin' by it, warden," was his defence. "It's just thatj today Happens to be a big day in my life. .A special, occasion, sort of —so I guess I kinda lost my head*" The warden looked perplexed. "I don't understand. Butch," he stated. Butch lowered his head bashfully. "It's like this," he explained. Today marks my tenth anniversary in this, joint—and I felt so happy that I decided to go out arid celebrate!'

a THE CLUE. Patiently the Great Detective crawled about the scene of the crime peering s through the magnifying glass without which he never travelled. . . ••;; But the landscape had nothing to tell him. No footprint put him on the scent, no shred of torn cloth told him its story, not even a cigarette end was there to deliver a message to 'that t astute brain. , ,"',_. t And then at the fifth search his I patience was rewarded. With paineo r surprise he wondered how he could have overlooked that button —too new ; to have lain there long—from which. he hoped, so much could be deduced. I And even as he rose to his feet, the whole truth became clear to him. So 3 much stooping had imposed too great a strain upon the investigating braces, THAT'S DIFFERENT. Elsie: Mummy, why did you dismiss 1 cook? t Mother: Because .she did not come home until four in the morning. Elsie: Mummy, when are you going to dismiss daddy? MORE SECURITY. 1 "Has your fiance that 'certain something 1?" I "Yes, but I wish he had 'something 3 certain' too." COURTESY. It was shortly after 2 a.m. The cus- [ tomer walked into the Coffee Pot and » seated himself at the counter. A lone counterman was the only other person ; in the place. • t "Pie ala mode," ordered the customer. "And a cup of coffee." "Yes, sir," nodded the counterman. "What kind of pie?" The customer thought for a moment. "Make it huckleberry," he said, '. finally. "Sorry," returned the counterman. "We're all out of huckleberry." "Okay, then," said the customer. "Give me pineapple." "Sorry," replied the counterman. , "No pineapple pie." The customer drummed the counter. . "Oh, anything will do," he announced, impatiently.. "Give me peach pie—or apple." The counterman sighed. "Sorry," he stated. "But we have no peach or apple pie." The customer yanked at his collar. "Well, for Pete's sake," he yodelled, "what kind of pie have you got?" The counterman pointed behin.d him. "All we have," he said, "is cherry pie." The customer banged on the counter. "Well, -that's great!" he shouted angrily. "Why didn't you tell me that in the first place—instead of having me go through all this routine?" The counterman smiled affably. "Oh, that's all right." he murmured. "I've got plenty of time!"

Husband (reading local papier): Mary, the" Smiths are in trouble again. It says that their maid was cleaning a pair of white shoes with petrol in front of the kitchen fire. Of course,, the girl and stove went up in the air. Wife: Poor ,Mrs. Smith! That is the third maid this year who has left her without giving notice.

"You think the new cook will settle down, dear?" "I'm afraid not, darling. A letter came for her this morning, and the envelope had been readdressed six times."

An actor accused a certain critic of having stated that his Hamlet was the worst he had ever seen.

"There's one thing," he commented cheerfully, "next time ; I play Hamlet you won't be able to' say anything worse."

"Oh, yes, I shall," said the critic; "I shall say you're not up to your usual standard."