Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXVI, Issue 128, 26 November 1938, Page 27

Wit and Humour

The taxidermist, an absent-minded kind of man, was waiting news of an important event. After he had been waiting some hours, and was doing a little work to take his mind off things, ! the nurse entered the room. "Congratulations!" she said. "The stork has arrived!*' "Well, don't stand there," replied the taxidermist. "Show him in and I'll stuff him." Here is a story of *he last war, taken from th«i British Legion Journal:— An old sweat and a young rejnfprcement on patrol duty in No-Man's Land found themselves between two bombardments. The veteran suggested crawling to a nearby dug-out for shelter. "Suppose,'' protested the young soldier, "we find the dug-out is full of Germans?" 'That'll be' all right," said the old 'un. 'Maybe they'll have a crown-and-anchor board." Fishmonger: Want any herring, today, ma'am? Housewife: Are they fresh? Fishmonger: Yes, just in this morning. Housewife: Are they good? Fishmonger: Yes, they're just a treat. The wife and I had some for our tea last night.

FRESH SUPPLIES. One of the newly-rich had gone up to Scotland for a holiday in August. While walking over the moors one day a farmer asked him if he would like a day's shooting. "Well," he said, "I haven't shot before." "Never mm'," said the farmer, "here's twa dugs and a gun and 'the best of luck.'" The man surprised the farmer by returning in about twenty minutes. "Ye've been verra quick," said the farmer. "Don't ye like shooting?" "Not half." replied the other. "Got any more dogs?" First Camper: I slept like a top last night. Second Camper: Yes—like a hum-ming-top. 'Politician (angrily): Those newspapers tell abominable lies about me. Friend: And yet they might do worse. "Do worse! What do you mean?" "They might tell the truth." During the operation the dentist hummed a cheery tune, and so did the drill. Suddenly the drill reached a sensitive part and his patient became restless. . . > "Don't you like my singing? the dentist asked. .'■•..„ "I like your singing all right, was the reply, "but I dislike your instrumental accompaniment." EXPLANATION. It was two o'clock in the morning. A policeman observed a suspiciouslooking man loafing about outside a certain house. He watched for a few minutes and then addressed him. "Here, you," he said, "wotcher hanging about this house for?" The man turned weary eyes on the questioner. "I'm only waiting for the lady to go to sleep, constable," he said. "You see, we're married." A scrap-iron merchant was trundling his barrow along a narrow road. Behind him the impatient driver of a motor-car was hooting for room to pass. The scrap merchant set his barrow down in the middle of the road, turned round, and made a speculative survey of the car. "Orl right, guvnor," he said. "Til call round for that tomorrow. I'm full up now." WILLING. An itinerant musician was stranded in a village one Sunday morning, and as he was playing his cornet in the street he was approached by a clergyman, who said: "Do you know the Fourth Commandment, my good man?"

"No," the musician replied, "but if you'll just whistle it over, I'll do my best."

Waiter: Are you the fried flounder, sir? Customer: No, I'm a poor lonely sole with an empty plaice, and I'm waiting for something to fillet. Wife: Every time you see a pretty girl you forget you're married. Husband: You're wrong, my dear. Nothing brings.home the fact with so much force! A solemn bishop in Ireland, examining a class of girls, asked: "What is the best preparation for the sacrament of matrimony?" "A little coortin, me lord!" was the unexpected reply. Mistress: Mary, I do wish you would realise that when master leaves his shoes outside the bedroom door it means that he wants them cleaned. Maid: Oh, does it? And what does it mean when he leaves them outside the front door? Two worthies met at Carlisle and had a dram or two at the station before boarding the Scotch express. Tearing along at 60 miles an hour, Jock says to' Bob: "This is a wonderful age we live in. Here's you and me in the same train, and you're gaun to London and I'm gaun to Glasgow." "Is your husband a rather short man?" "Always!"

WHY HE OBJECTED. Daughter: But why do you object to my becoming engaged, daddy? Is it because of my youth? Father: Yes. my girl, I think he's a little rat. BAD FOR BIDDY. "Biddy, darling," said Pat, arriving home one pay day, " 'tis yourself, isn't it, that's glad to hear of a man havin' good luck?" "Indeed Oi am, Pat. Who would it be?" . ".';.. " 'Tis Barney. He's won all me wages." PARLIAMENTARY WIT. In the early eighties there were two Cabinet Ministers who were rivals and sworn enemies. One rainy day they met face to face on a narrow footpath. To the one who stepped aside it meant treading in the mud of the road. j There was a moment of hesitation. Then, "I never give way to scoundrels," said one, glowering. The other smiled. Stepping off the footpath into the mud, he said, "Pass, friend. I always do." THE GLOBE TROTTER. "What became of your little goldfish?" asked a visitor of a small boy. "Did it die?" "No." ' "Poisoned?" "No." "Then what happened to it?" "It growed into a big goldfish!" Two motorists met on a bridge too narrow for two cars to pass. "I never back for any old fool, shouted one driver. "That's all right," replied the other quietly, as he shifted into reverse, "I always do." j HE KNEW. Small Son: What is the agony column in a paper, dad? Father: The racing results, my boy. ALL ALIKE. "I'll have you know. Jones, that my wife doesn't gossip." "Neither does mine. What does yours call it?" CAUTIOUS. Teacher: Well, Jack, what did you do on your holidays? Jack: Oh, not much, sir—not enough to write an essay on, anyway. THE CARETAKER. The amateur gardener was showing the beauties of his greenhouse. "This," he said, pointing to a flower, "belongs to the petunia family." "Does it?" said the sweet young thing. "I suppose you're minding it while they're away."

FREE CALL. "So you believe in free speech?" asked the Irishman of the Scotsman. Whereupon the Scotsman said, "Yes, can I use your telephone?" GAME. Mrs. Newlywed: Guess what I've cooked for your dinner. Mr. Newlywed: I'll try. Let me see it. SOMEONE TO LEAN ON. Young Man: Will you marry me? Heiress: No, I'm afraid not. Young Man: Oh, come on! Be a support. URGENTLY REQUIRED. Small Boy: Mummy, I saw .some trousers in a shop window today marked "Impossible to beat." Do you think you could persuade daddy to get them for me? BLUNT TRUTH. Admirer (to young Willie): And was my present a surprise to your sister? Willie: You bet! She said she never thought that you would send her anything so cheap! TOO MUCH. Mrs, Jones: This is too bad. Jones: Why, what's the matter? Mrs. Jones: We'll have to give up sending things for that woman to launder. She's dishonest. This week two towels we brought back from our hotel at Clacton are missing! BRIGHT. Mr. Brown, coal merchant, had spent his first holiday on the Continent. His business acumen was not on holiday, however, and he thought on his return that he would invent a new slogan for selling his coals and had all nis carts repainted. So one day they sallied forth all bright and new and in flaming letters on the side of each cart was BUY BROWN'S COALS A LA CARTE OR CUL-DE-SAC. NEW SPECIES. First Picnicker: I feel a lethargy creeping over me. Second Picnicker: Yes, the grass is full of them. STORMY. Brown: What was the worst storm you ever encountered? Jones: Oh, it raged at about two hundred and eighty words a minute. NOT YET. "Are you unmarried?" inquired the Census-taker. "Oh, dear, no," answered the lady,, blushing to the roots of her hair, "I've never even been married!" NO CHANCE. Tourist: Haven't I seen your face somewhere else before? Villager: No. It's always been where it is now. WORDS FAILED. Page: I've had a nasty fall; In trying to reach a shelf I stood on some dictionaries and they gave way. Sage: So words failed you. A DRAWBACK, Binks: What does your father say about your becoming an artist? , Hinks: I mustn't draw on him. UNDOUBTEDLY. "What do you think about a nation under arms?" "Well, I should say it's a ticklish position." HOT! Husband (in court): The trouble is, your Worship, that she never gives me a hot dinner. Wife: That is untrue. Why, he had a boiled egg yesterday. NO REST AT HOME. "The doctor advised me to get leave from the office, dear. He says I need a rest." "What nonsense," said his wife. "Yes, I told him it's the only rest I get." _^ HARD LUCK. The diner in the cheap restaurant gave an exclamation of annoyance. "Anything wrong, sir?" asked the. waitress. " , , ~ "Wrong!" he ejaculated. "I should say so. This egg is as hard as a "Sorry!" replied the waitress. "We used the egg-timer for it" . "Oh!" he growled. "I thought you'd used a calendar." NO ALIBI, "Have you any explanation for wandering around drunk at this tune 01 night?" demanded the policeman. The man answered, "Say, if I had an explanation, I'd have faced my wife half an hour ago!" 1 NO MONEY. Mrs. Crump: I hear the Bradleys across the street are going south -this winter. I thought they lost all their Mrs. Grump: They have. That's the reason they are going. They can wear their summer clothes all winter, you know. EVEN GOING. They had only just been married. "How much money have you got, dear?" the young husband asked. "Let me see," she. replied. About half a crown." "Throw it away, and let's, start on the level," he replied. NO WASTE, The doctor was called up at night for a farmer who was not seriously ill. "You could well have waited until morning for this trifle," he said testily "Well, doctor, it was like this. I can't afford to pay for your visit so I thought that at least I would not waste your time." THICK OF THE FRAY. "Did you hear about the terrible quarrel I had with my mother-in-law? said Hobson to his friend. "No," was the reply. "Was your wife on your side?" "No. She was on my back. IN REVERSE. Pat was a true son of Erin and always ready for a joke. One day a farmer in passing him shouted goodhumouredly: "Bad luck to you, Pat!" . "Good luck to your, sir!" cried Pat. "May neither of us be right!" OUT OF DARKNESS. "How's the baby?" asked a neighbour. * "Fine," replied the proud parent. "Don't you find that a baby brightens up the house wonderfully?" "Yes," was the answer, "we have the light on most of the night now." CHEAP TRANSIT. "Hoo much to the Toon Hall?" asked Macpherson of the bus conductor. "Penny," was the reply. "Hoo much for the bairn?" "Oh, nothing for her," said the conductor. ~ _ "Well, tak the bairn to the Toon Hall an' I'll walk." OF COURSE. "He had to pull a few strings to get his job." . "What was the 30b?" "Harpist." SAFETY FIRST. "A fine hunting dog, that—remarkably intelligent!" "Yes, I've noticed he gets behind a tree whenever you shoot." EXTRAS. "Doctor, the size of your bill makes \ my bl(*od boil!" "Ah, that will cost you two guineas extra for sterilising the system!" SERVICE. "Mary," said Mrs. de Browne, severely, "why did you put two hotwater bottles in my bed?" "One is leaking, ma'am," replied the new maid.