Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXVI, Issue 98, 22 October 1938, Page 27

Wit and Humour

A woman with five children entered] a tram. She busied herself seating J them. A benevolent old gentleman rose and gave her his seat. "Are those all your children, madam?" he asked, "or is it a picnic?" ' , ~. "They're all mine," snapped the woman, "and it's no picnic." Bill: I know now that my wife lied to me before we were engaged. Tom: What do you mean? Bill: When I asked her to marry me she said she was agreeable. Miss A: Why, I thought you knew her. She lives in the same square with you. Miss B: Perhaps; but she does not move in the same circle. "Do you play hockey?" inquired the doctor, as he examined the patients shins. I "No," replied the patient. "Bridge." "You can't say I made any noise coming home last night." "That's true; but the friends who were carrying you did." "Did you hear that my wife has eloped with Smithers, my accountant?" "How terrible!" "Yes, isn't it? . Smithers was a firstclass man. I'll find it very difficult to replace him."

The rector, walking over his sun* burnt lawn, said to his old gardener: "Everything looks terribly dried . up, Jacob; I think I shall pray lor rain tomorrow. And the old man replied: "Don't think me interferin', sir, but it ain't much use praying for rain with the wind in the north!" Pat was constantly before the Bench for fighting. He, appeared again. Magistrate: Must you be present at every fight in the district? .>. . Pat: Yes, I suppose I must—otherwise there would be no fight. Tramp: Yes'm, I wunst had a good job managin' a hand laundry, but it failed. ■ ■ Lady: Poor man!' How did it happen: to fail? Tramp: She left an' went home to her folks. First Old Gentleman: Who is that handsome young man standing there? Second Old Gentleman: That's my daughter's husband. Very brilliant young man; he made a fortune through the law. "Indeed!" . "Yes; the law made me his father." "Do you know I've got a lucky charm. It keeps me from getting broke." , , "I don't believe in lucky charms. What is it, anyway?" "A ten-shilling note." Father: Johnny, there's a button off your coat. Go upstairs and sew it on. Little Johnny (in surprise): Mother will sew it on. "I know she will, but I want you to learn to sew on buttons yourseli. • "Why?" "Some day, Johnny, when you grow up, you won't have any mother —notning but a wife." "Did you ever see me before I was born, mummy?" "No, dear." "Did you see a picture of me." "No, dear." "Then how did you happen to recognise me?" For nearly half an hour the salesman had explained to an old lady the yirrtues of the electric fire, the electric poker, and the electric kettle and iron. "Now, tell me," she said, when he paused for breath, "where do you put in the pennies for the gas?" Old Inhabitant: I be 94 years of age, sir, and I haven't got an enemy in the world. , , Village Parson: That is a most beautiful thought, William. "Ay, so it be, sir. I've outlived em all." SPEEDED UP. "How on earth did Murphy win that cross-country race? He was dead beat when I saw him." "Oh, he sat down to rest on a wasps nest, /and after that tfcere was no holding him back." "You were very good to lend me that tenner; I feel I can never repay you." "Then why on earth didn't you say so before!"

Passenger: The train is not rocking kas it did some time ago. , Guard: No, sir. It's back on the line now. Miss Young: I warn you against marrying that man, dear. I am sure he will lead a double life. Miss Older: Well, if I don't marry! him I'll have to lead a single one, and that's worse. ———— Gwen: Did you hear about Maureen? She has a position as detective in one of the big jewellery stores. Louise: Well, I don't envy her. Just imagine being known as a "plain clothes" woman! j "I saw you strike your little brother I —you coward!" "It's all right, Miss, I was just seeing if he'd learned what our Sunday school teacher said about turning the other cheek to the smiter." "I'm told you have a curious echo ; here." "That's right, sir, quite remarkable it is. The men shout when they go to bed, and the echo wakes up their wives in the morning to get the breakfast." Sister (in 70-bedded hospital ward): Doesn't it appal you to see the size of the ward you have to scrub? Charwoman: Lawks, sister, I never i looks —I allus works backwards.

LADY IN A "SPOT." ] A woman motorist ran into the back of a motor lorry. It was, a case of bad driving, but not wishing to admit it and lacking the courage to shift the responsibility on the lorry driver she said to him, "I, can't understand how! it happened; I was driving properly." The lorry driver turned to her, and! with withering scorn replied, "Madam, i there's only one thing women drive properly—and* that's men barmy." j ACQUIESCENCE. , A man was unfortunate enough to be killed by a train near a little country village. His body was removed to the local public house, where an inquest was held. ■ The jury consisted of villagers unused to such proceedings, and the Coroner, wishing to. be helpful, * advised them to bring in a verdict of "felo de se." Having retired to consider their verdict, some argument arose among ,the jury as to what the Coroner, meant. The foreman soon settled the difficulty. "This Coroner chap," he explained, "knows what he's talking about. He's had these jobs before. If he says the dead man fell in the sea, he fell in the sea." A few minutes later the jury filed back into court, and the foreman announced the verdict, "Found drowned." "You know," said Brown, "theae garage men certainly do ruin a car." I "Why?" asked Green. "What's the matter?" "Well, my car used to do seventy miles an hour. Then I had a new speedometer put in her, and now I can only get fifty-five out of her." "Well, well," remarked Jones, reading from his newspaper, "that's odd. A Scotsman run over by a brewery wagon!" "What's odd about that?" asked Mrs. Jones. "I should think it's the first time the drinks have been on him." An officer was giving a squad of recruits a few hints on what to do when they got into the fighting-line. "You," he said to "Sapphire" Green, who was as rough in speech as he was m looks, "What would you do if an enemy lunged at you with a bayonet?" "Stick him," said "Sapphire." "Yes, I know—but how?" "Parry, and sock him with me skewer," said "Sapphire." "Don't you know how to say 'sir 5?" "Yes." "Don't be afraid to say it, then," said the officer sarcastically. "Fear isn't a part of a soldier's make-up. Have you ever experienced fear?" "No." "No what?" "No ■ fear," said "Sapphire." First Choir-boy: What made you give up singing in the choir? . Second Choir-boy: I was absent one Sunday, and someone asked if the organ had been mended. Neighbour: I've just heard an awful story about your husband. Mrs. Brown: Do tell me. I need a new hat.

WHEN IN ROME. "Willie, what do you consider the greatest accomplishment of the ancient Romans?" "Speaking Latin." SWING-TIME. Film Director (to band conductor): Cut out that music! Here we have the hero about to be lynched—and you play a dreamy waltz. Conductor: Yes, that's why! You see it goes with a swing." OF COURSE HE WOULD. "Please, sir," said the clerk timidly, I'd like to have next week off if it's convenient." • "Oh, you would, ■would you?" said his employer. "And may I ask what for?" "Well, my young lady is going on her honeymoon, and I'd like to go with her." THE REASON. The disappointed humorist was inclined to be rather bitter. One day he said to the editor of a comic paper:— "Hang it all, sir, you sit on every joke that I submit." "And the reason is quite plain," replied the editor. "I should certainly not sit on them if there was any point to them." ASKING FOR TROUBLE. "Your husband looks like a brilliant man," said he, as they sat together on the sofa. . "I suppose he knows everything?" "Don't be a fool," she replied. "He doesn't even suspect anything." HOT STUFF. ; "I hear that Bunker has had another fire at his place?" "Yes,, he's an optimist. Whenever trade is bad he makes light of it." \

SORRY SHE SPOKE. The police-sergeant had been sent out to see that all the dog owners in the district had licences for their pets. At one house he was met by the mistress. "Good-morning, madam," he started. "I see you have two dogs. Have you licences for them?" :• • "Oh, no, sergeant," she told him. "They are far too young to have licences. They're only puppies, you know." The sergeant stroked the animals. "Frisky little beggars, aren't they?" he ventured. . ■ i "Yes, aren't they," answered the owner unthinking. "No one would think they were mother and son, would they?" LOOSE CASH. "I always encourage my husband to recline in an easy chair and put his feet on the mantelpiece." "Why?" "When he goes to bed there is usually some small change left in the chair." CAR WITHOUT TEARS! Basing her calculations on the assumption that the average driver, when in control of a 10 horse-power car, is and always will be incapable of showing the sound horse-sense of one horse, let alone ten, Miss Rigworthy is now hard at work in the back room, designing a vehicle which will |go just as fast as the human brain can 1 think and no faster. Its estimated top speed is 4 miles per hour. This car will be not only clutchless and gearless, but it will be devoid of an internal combustion engine and a steering wheel as well. Thus the four most dangerous features of the modern motor-car will be completely eliminated. The general principle on which the car works is that of the tricycle, the chassis being mounted 'on three ballbearing road wheels —two behind and one in front. Power is supplied by four separate sets of pedals—one set to each occupant—and the drive is carried to the back wheels by means of chains running in little oil-baths. The whole caboodle is steered by reins. UNPROFITABLE. A calf was nibbling at the grass in the yard, and was viewed in silence for some minutes by a city girl. "Tell me," she said, turning impulsively to her hostess, "does it really, pay to keep a cow as small as that?" SHE'D HEARD IT BEFORE. The dashing young traveller with the lady-killer reputation seated himself at the table and put on his most seductive smile as the pretty young waitress approached him. » "Nice day, little girl," he said. "It is," she replied. "And so was yesterday, and, my name is Gwen, and ■I'm pretty, and have lovely blue eyes, and I've been here quite a long time, and it's not a bad place, and I'm not too nice a girl to be working here, and my brother is cook in this place, and was once a professional boxer. Now, what is your order —roast beef, I roast lamb, stew, or liver and I bacon?"