Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXVI, Issue 50, 27 August 1938, Page 26

Wit and Humour

The wounded Tommy limped up to i the M.O. "And what's wrong with you?" asked the M.O. "I was on ration fatigue," replied the Tommy, "and a sniper hit the rum jar." "Well, if the sniper hit the rum jar, i what hit you?" " 'Arf the bloomin' battalion!" replied the wounded one, with feeling "I'm calling about that stove you delivered yesterday," announced the woman in the showroom of the gas company. "Yes, madam," replied the assistant. "Doesn't it throw out a splendid heat?" "Yes," admitted the woman, "but the trouble is, it's thrown out my husband with it." A little girl was taken to church for the first time by her nurse, and came home seething with indignation. "Mummy," she said, "there was one thing about church this morning that wasn't fair." "Oh, what was that, dear?" asked her mother. "Why, one man did all the work, and then another man came round and got all the money." Mrs. Ross: Does your husband expect you to obey him? Mrs. Boss: Oh, dear, no. Jim's been married before.

Wife: You were talking in your sleep last night. Husband: Well, I've got to talk sometimes, haven't I? Film Producer: Don't be afraid of the lion. Just think that it is a big cat. Actor: Er—could you explain to him that I am not a mouse? Customer: Isn't the price rather high for such a little pillow? Shop Assistant: Well, you see, madam, down is now up. Dealer: Yes, madam, this chair is genuine Louis XV. Lady (trying it): It's too high for me—haven't you a Louis XIV? Wife (who has gone to bed): John, what is that noise outside? Husband (rather deaf): I have just, put the cat out. ! Wife: Then, for goodness sake go and put its tail out as well. The proprietor of the George and Dragon had a row with his wife and she left him for good. A customer asked him: "What are ye goin' ter do now the woife's left ye, Jarge?" "I'll just change the letterin' on the sign. In future it'll be just 'The George." BACK TO FORM. She: And are you really and truly happy now, dearest, that you are married? He: Of course, darling. I can get my mind back to my golf now. Old Lady: Here's a penny, my poor man. Tell me, how did you come to be so destitute? Beggar: Well, you see, I was always like you, a-givin' away vast sums to the poor and needy. Two small boys marched into the lounge, where their mother was entertaining friends. Neither child had a stitch of clothing on. Their mother was naturally horror-struck, but the guests, seeing their hostess's distress, pretended not to notice the children. The boys paraded round and round the room and departed without saying a word, and the guests went on talking to each other. As soon as she could leave her guests, the boys' mother dashed up to the nursery. Before she could open her mouth, one of the lads came out with,, "Mummy, wasn't it wonderful? Jimmy and I covered ourselves all over with your vanishing cream, and when we went into the lounge a little while ago, nobody could see us!" The new hotel guest telephoned down to the front desk and said to the clerk: "Look here, I can't sleep!" "What's the trouble, sir?* the clerk asked. "Is there too much noise? "No; but I can't sleep." m "Isn't the bed comfortable, sir?" "Oh, no; but I just can't sleep." "Well, what can I do for you? Perhaps I can send up a sleeping draught?" . "That's no good. Just send up the key to my room. I'm locked out.

Jones: How are you getting on in your new house? Smith: Oh, fine. We have furnished one room by collecting soap coupons. Jones: Why not furnish the other seven rooms the same way? Smith: I can't; they're full of soap. To make delicious English coffee, our English chef, Hodge, writes: "Take a tablespoon of Indian tea, cocoa, or soup stock, add a cupful of cold water for each person, and bring the whole briskly to the boil, afterwards allowing it to stand in a cool place until , lukewarm. Strain the liquid into a silver pot and serve in little ornamental china cups. "The flavour of the coffee is- greatly improved by adding a few drops of vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, almond, or other essence." Young Angus had been out for the evening with his best girl. When he arrived home he found his father still sitting up. Father: Have you been out with your lassie again? Young Angus: Yes, dad. But why do you look so worried? Father: I was just wondering how much the evening cost. Young Angus: Not more than half a dollar, dad. Father: Oh, well, that was not so much. Young Angus: It was all she had.

The late Mr. Justice Darling was about to hear an action in the High Courts when a woman juror rose and requested exemption from service on a plea that she was a non-believer in capital punishment. "But this is a civil action," Lord Darling explained, "and has nothing whatever to do with capital punishment. It is brought by a lady who gave her husband two hundred pounds to buy her a fur coat. The husband, instead of buying the coat, lost the money gambling, and now his wife is suing him for the return of her two hundred pounds." "Oh, indeed, is that it?" replied the juror, relieved. "Then I've no objection to serving." She pondered a moment, and then added thoughtfully, "And perhaps, after all, I was wrong abopt capital - punishment." THE BETTER COURSE. Etiquette Expert: It is wrong for a man to walk between the woman he is escorting and shop windows. Practical Husband: It may be wrong. But, oh boy, it's smart!" THE SECRET IS OUT. "I wonder why Scotsmen are so good at golf?" "They realise that the fewer times they strike the ball the longer it wiil last." PREPAREDNESS. Old Gentleman: You're an honest lad, but it was a 10 dollar bill I lost, not ten ones. Small Boy: I know, mister, it was a 10 dollar bill I picked up. But last time I found one, the man didn't have any change. ALMOST STANDING STILL. Teacher: Tommy,, can you give me an example of a paradox? Tommy: Yes, sir. A man walking a mile and only moving two feet. A SAFE CURE. "How did you make your neighbour keep his hens in his own yard?" "Oh, it was easy. One night I hid a dozen eggs under a bush in my garden, and next day I let him see me gathering them." TRAVEL NOTE. Mrs. Noser: So you've been to Italy, have you? And how did you enjoy Bologna? Mrs. Tiltnose: Oh, just fine —but little .Reginald would swallow the skins! BETER THAN A SAW. "My best man dined with us Sunday and was so impressed with my bride's cooking that he sent her a carving set." "That was nice." "Not so very. He sent her three chisels and a mallet." PREPARED. Theodore Hook once dined with Mr. Hatchet. . .„, , "I am afraid," said his host, "that you will not get today such a dinner as our friend Tom Moore gave us." "Certainly not," replied Hook. "From a Hatchet one expects nothing but a chop."

Doctor: Nothing but an operation will save your life. Patient: What will it cost? Doctor: Fifty guineas Patient: But I haven't got that sum. Doctor: Then we will have to see what medcne hej°"My husband died last night, doctor." "Then all my trouble was for nothing." "Well, that's a comfort to know you are not going to charge for it. T onpq . t wonder where the nprfpnt h^S is To be foTmd? Pe«ect n rn ,., n . oh Vie. Jioinnoc'+n +*io iwntnon door belongs to the woman next aoor- . AT THE TEA. "Let's see, whom were we discussing?" "Mercy me. 1 forget. Who went out last ?» mm m? -prrv . , \r\ !±r' ~ Politician (orating): Why, gentlemen,,, my opponent hasn't a leg to stand on.! Heckler: All the- more reason why "The horse I was riding wanted to §° he °m,?r n,? JgK-gS the^MiS novice ** "And who wo^" asffafriend, "He tossed me for it* rndTTV wPT?T?nvnr-NrT .„ C"bJ\L y EXPERIMENT. ? er h? avt 1S .as hard as glass. I ca",! make an impression on it. "Have you tried a diamond?" ~ THE CRITIC. First Actor: So you have accepted an engagement in South Africa? Second Actor: Yes. First Actor: H'm—l hope you remembered ostrich eggs weigh four pounds?

NOT IMPOSSIBLE. A very young bride went into a tobacconist's for some cigarettes for her spouse, and ordered a box of certain brand. "Yes, madam," the shopman said. "Cork?" "Why, I don't know," she replied, uncertainly. "Is that better than tobacco?" THE NEW RECRUIT. The new recruit was quite hopeless. Everything he did was wrong, and try as he would, his drill was just awful. The infuriated n.c.o. in charge of the squad had tried everything he knew. Now he could stand it no longer. "What were you before you joined the Army?" he roared. "Very happy, Corporal," came the truthful but sad reply. TAKING CARE. A young clergyman on a recent occasion discovered, after reaching the pulpit, that he had forgotten his notes. By way of apology to the congregation, he said: "I regret to say I have forgotten to bring my sermon notes along, so I shall have to depend upon the Lord. But this evening I shall come better prepared." CORRECT. A Boy Scout was being asked questions on the points of the compassnorth, south, east, and west. "Now," said the Scoutmaster, "if you stand facing the rising sun, the north is on your left hand, the south to the right of you. What would be behind you?" "My knapsack, sir," came the quick reply. HE PASSED. "Before we close the contract, £o you play the piano?" the landlord asked the prospective tenant. "No." "Do you play the violin or any other instrument?" "No." "Do you have singing lessons?" "No, and when I gargle I get into a cupboard and shut the door behind me." LOVE-MAKING. "Do you really, truly love me, darling?" "Yes, darling." "More than you've ever loved anyone before, darling?" "Yes, darling." "More than that Tarkington girl you used to be engaged to, darling?" "Yes, darling." "More than that pretty Wotherspoon girl you were engaged to before that, darling?" "Yes, darling." "Much more, darling?" "Yes, darling." "Heaps and heaps more, darling?" "Yes, darling." "Ever so much more than any other girl in the whole world, darling?" "Yes, darling." "You're absolutely, positively certain, darling?" "Yes, darling." "Then why don't you tell me so, darling?" IN A NUTSHELL. He was at his club and he had talked politics for an hour and a half. "That's the situation in a nutshell," he declared at the close. "Good gracious!" exclaimed a member to his neighbour, "What a nut!" A man wandered into a tennis tournament and sat down. "Whose game?" he asked. A shy young miss sitting next to him looked up hopefully. "I am," she replied.* IT ALWAYS WORKS. The old miller had a pet saying, "Patience and perseverance will accomplish all things." And one day in a train on the way to market he repeated his favourite maxim very solemnly. A pompous individual in the corner turned to him at once. "Nonsense,-sir," he said. "I can tell you a g,reat many things which neither patience nor perseverance can accomplish." "Maybe you can," said the old miller, "but I'm an old man, and I haven't come across one yet.". "I'll tell you one," was the stately retort. "No amount of patience and perseverance will enable you to carry water in a sieve." "Patience will," replied the old miller. "Patience! How?" snapped the stranger. The old man smiled. "Simply by waiting patiently for the water to freeze, he said.