Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXVI, Issue 26, 30 July 1938, Page 26

Wit and Humour

Guest: Pin sure my bed is much too narrow. Inn Manager: That can easily be fixed. I'll have a bedspread placed on it. A tramp knocked on the door of the country cottage and begged the cottager to give him some food. "Why don't you get. a job?" she asked hifn. "I'd like to, ma'am," said the tramp, "but there ain't any going." "I heard today that Farmer Jones is in need of a right-hand man," she said. "Why not try there?" "H'm!" sniffed the tramp. "That's just my luck, lady—l'm lefthanded. "Has my boy a natural bent in any one direction?" wrote a proud parent. "He has," replied the teacher.§ "He gives every indication of being a captain of industry some day. He gets the other boys to do his work for him." A girl I know just told me she'd refused to marry Professor Pozzi, the famous fire-eater. So I said, "Why not? He's rich and he's handsome, isn't he?" "Yes," she said, "but what about if he wants his breakfast in bed?" NO STINGING. The guest was leaving the hotel, and on checking his bill found he had been overcharged. He went to the proprietor, and pointed out that he had made a mistake of ten shillings in the addition. "So sorry, sir," was the reply, "but I'm a bad adder." "I should say you-"are" replied the guest, "but you're not going to sting me!"

ENGLISH CLIMATE. It was the holiday season. Old Sol also seemed to be taking "time off." He had been hidden from view for several days. : As . the Easterner boarded" the bus the conductor, full of curiosity, asked a passenger, "Who's that bloke?" "A Parsee," came the reply. "A race who worship the sun." "I see," the conductor grinned. "He's over here for a holiday." IMPORTANT POINT. Some Americans were standing in front of St. Paul's Cathedral when a fellow-countryman, sightseeing alone, came and stood near them. For several moments she was motionless and silent, and one might have thought she was drinking in the cathedral's beauty. Suddenly she turned to one of the group. "What," she . asked, with enthusiasm, "do you suppose that . chtwch weighs?" 1 The following message was flashed on to the screen of a popular cinema: "A five-pound note has been found in the stalls. Will the owner please form a queue outside the box-office tomorrow night?" EGGSACTLY. "Your eggs are rather small today, aren't they?" "Perhaps so, mum, but you must understand that each one of them represents a full day's work for the hen." CANNY. -There had been a head-on car collision and both drivers were waiting for the police to take particulars. Sandy' offered MacTavish, with whom he had collided, his flask. "Have a drappie,-he said. After MacTavish had had several, he remarked to Sandy, "It's nearly all gone. Why don't you have a drappie yourself?" . "No fear, mon," said Sandy; "not until the v policeman's been." APPROPRIATE. "I am going to make my farewell tour in Shakespeare. What shall be the play? 'Hamlet?' 'Macbeth?'" "This is your sixth farewell tour. I believe." "Well, yes." "I should suggest 'Much Adieu About ' Nothing.'" SPECIALIST. Mr. Bagsful had arranged a costly picnic for his family and friends. As the party tramped through the woods in search of an open space, a niece touched Mr. Bagsful on the arm. "Uncle," she whispered, "who is that awfully villainous fellow helping to carry the lunch baskets" "That chap," hissed the host, "is the cleverest safebreaker outside prison at the moment." "Good ' eracious," gasped his niece. "What did you bring him along for?" "I spare no expense!" sniffed the rich one. "It'll be his job to open the sardines."

Mrs. Black: Does your husband lie awake-at night? ■ Mrs. Green: Yes, indeed; and sometimes he even tells 'em in his sleep. "Your husband is suffering from voluntary inertia." Wife: Poor dear Tom. And I accused him all along of being lazy. Mrs. Smith: I trust you did not have any high words with your last mistress before you left?. New Maid: No; I locked her in the bathroom and slipped out quietly. "My wife is not a genius in the kitchen." "Mine makes a hash of everything, too." Robinson: I met my wife in a very strange way. I ran over her in my car, and later I married her. . Jones: If everybody had to do that there wouldn't be so much reckless driving. - Small Visitor (pointing to oil painting): Who is that? . Small Hostess: She was my mama's great-aunt. I never heard much about her, but guess she was a school teacher. Small Visitor: Why? Small Hostess: See how her eyes follow us about? The master-cook was telling the mess-orderly a few home truths. "And don't forget the next time you have 'duff' for 'afters' you bring the pudding-cloths back to .the cookhouse." "Blimey," said the mess-orderly. "Was there cloths on 'em?"

. UPSIDE DOWN. An old lady was talking with a young prospective bride, who had just informed her she was going to Aus-tralia-to be married.- • ■'--■. "Australia!" the old lady exclaimed. "My word! That's a long way. They have night there when we are having day, and vice versa, don't they?". "Yes, so I understand," the wife-to-be replied. "I expect it will seem awfully strange at .first, but there—one can get used to anything, can't one?" WRONG 4,GAIN. A Frenchman who was very proud of his knowledge of English, at. the conclusion of an afternoon visit, rose:, bowed politely to his hostess, and said, "Now I must go, madame. I cam not cockroach \ipon your time longer." Sweetly the lady corrected him, "Ah, no, m'sieur! 'Encroach,' we say." =He looked at her sadly, and said, "Alas! One t'ousand pardons. 'Encroach,' of course, when one speaks to a lady. I always mix up ze-English Senders." APPRECIATIVE. A Scotsman who had lost his way on the Alps was found by one of the St. Bernard dogs. He, helped himself to the flask of liquor, patted the dog, and, settling himself comfortably, said, "Noo, gang and bring me the hale pack;"/ VIRTUES. Father:' You're riot marrying.. Jack just because he's a good".dancer, are you? Daughter: Oh, no, daddy! He's awfully fond.of the cinema as well! I . . ■ • Two children had # been sent to feed, the poultry. The little girl seemed to be studying the birds intently. "Look, Peter!!" she exclaimed at last. "Some have,rings.on their legs. Why have they?" "Oh, don't you know? They're married ones." POINT OF VIEW. Wife (learning to drive): But I don't know what to do! Husband: Just imagine that I'm driving. » A Lancashire, tackier suspected someone was stealing his eggs, and, keeping watch, he caught a boy with his cap full. "Tha'll come wi'. me to th' police station," the tackier said, and marched the lad to the top of a hill on the other »side of which the station lay. At this point the lad suddenly began to cry. "What are blubberin' for?"-asked the tackier. "Aw've left me cap behint." "Aw, reet! Thee tun an' fetch it, an' Aw'll wait 'ere till tha gets back." Naturally the boyfailed to return, and shortly afterwards he was caught stealing again, and was again escorted to the top of the hill. Though he began to cry at the same point, the tackier was not so easily hoodwinked. "But Aw've left mi cap ageen," said the lad, "an' mi mother'!! leather me when Aw get whoam." "Well, tha desarves leatherin', mi lad, but tha'll not get me that way ageeari. Tha'll stop 'ere this toime, an' Aw'll goo mysen an' fetch thi cap."

VALUABLE. He: Is your father rich? She: My father has so many golc teeth that he has to sleep with his head in a safe. IN ARREARS. Boxer: How am I doing, Joe? Second: Well, I reckon it's about fifty fiftyBoxer: What, even with him? Second: No; he's hit you fifty times and you've missed him fifty. COWARDS. Dentist (to constable): Have you seei any small boys ring my bell and rui away? ' Constable: Sniall boys! They wer. grown-ups. ■; _ ■ TOO MUCH. The principal of the firm looke* grimly at the .newest traveller. "Look here/I he said, "we have :n< wish to stint you in the way of rea sonable expenses, but we think you'v gone over the line by treating youi self to a new hat and calling the iter overhead expenses." READ THE BILL AND LAUGH. "These new fashions are absolute!; freakish," said Mr. Robinson. "Ever; time I look at that new hat of yours i makes me laugh." "That's splendid, darling," rephe his wife, "I'll hang it up where yo can see it when the bill arrives." *A WISE ONE. A farmer visited his son's colleg( Watching students in a chemistry clas: he was told they were looking for universal solvent "What's that?" aske>i me farmer; "A liquid that v/iil dissolve any thing." ■-■. „ J «. "That's a great idea," agreed th farmer. "When you find it,-what ar you going *to keep it in?" Woman learning to drive: But don't know what to do! Her husband: Just imagine that Ii driving.

GRADUAL EVOLUTION. "Mr. Jones," a man asked his tailor "how is it you have not called on me fo: my account?" "Oh. I never ask a gentleman'- fo: money." "Indeed. How, then, do you get or if lie doesn't pay?" "Why," replied the tailor, "after . certain time I conclude he is not < gentleman, and then I ask him." WASTE OF TIME. "Is it true that Eleanor is going tc sue Percy for breach of promise dam ages?" "She was going, to do, but she. go to know that it wouldn!t be wort! while." "No letters, I "suppose?" • "It wasn't that. No money. Yot see, she was on the point of filing a suii when she heard about Percy pawning one." THIRST UNWAVERING. "Some people thirst after fame others after wealth, others after love,' said the romantic young man. The object of his affections was not in the same mood, however. "And there is something all people thirst after," she said. "Yes?" asked the lover eagerly. "Salt fish," was the reply. . SUITING .THE ACTION TO THE. , WORD. Betty had just returned from church and was asked how she liked it. "I didn't like it too much," she said.. "It was too long. The bishop preached. I like the dean better than the bishop." "Why do you like the dean better?" asked her mother. "Well, the dean says 'Finally,'. and finishes; but the bishop says 'Lastly, and he lasts!" . ■ SAFETY FIRST. The local chemist was called out one day and left the new assistant in charge. When he returned the assistant said, "A customer came in while you were out, sir. "Oh, what did he want?" "He was rather groggy, so I gave him a tonic —a* general mixture, a'bit of this and a bit of that." "But you don't know anything much about it. You' don't know what harm you might do him." "Oh. that's all right—l got him to sign the poison book." - SUBSTITUTE. * The executive's wife walked into her husband's private office, unannounced. She discovered her busy husband eating his lunch at his desk —while a beautiful secretary was parked on his lap. * "Charles!" stormed the wife. "What is that girl doing on your lap? The guilty husband almost choked on a piece of pie. He pointed to the food. "I had to do something, darling," he alibied. "The waiter forgot to send up a napkin!" -..*•■_ VIEWPOINT. The two panhandlers stood on a busy corner. They were keeping a sharp outlook for a prospective touch. One of the tramps nodded suddenly. He stepped forward and accosted a well-dressed young man. "Buddy," he whined, "can . you spare me two bits or so? I -haven t had a decent meal in three days." Tlie young man walked along briskly. ?■* : < „ "Do I look like Santa Claus to you?" he snapped at the tramp. "Why don't you try working for a meal?" The tramp stopped short. He muttered something under his breath and returned to the spot where his pal was waiting. "What a nerve that guy had!" he complained. "Fm sorry now that I didn't tell him a thing or two." The second panhandler was duly sympathetic. "Why?" he inquired. "What happened?" The first tramp was boiling over. "I can't get over it," he growled. "That guy had. the crust to tell me to go to work for a meal!' The second tramp also lost nis temper. . , . "Nice state of affairs," he roared. "A radical, eh?"