LIGHTER MOMENTS

Evening Post, Volume CXXIV, Issue 132, 1 December 1937, Page 21

LIGHTER MOMENTS

WHITEHALL LAUGHTER

CIVIL SERVANT'S MEMORIES

MINISTER'S WAYS

A civil servant's life is not all dull routine. Laughter may often be heard in Whitehall—or so it seems from bir Laurence Guillemard's reminiscences, says a writer in "John o' Londons Weekly." When Sir Laurence went to the Home Office in the eighties, his first chief, a kindly old gentleman, gave him a lecture on the evils-of slackness. He concluded with these memorable words: "And don't get into late: habits. I would like you to aim at 11 o'clock." Few of his colleagues, says ; Sir Laurence, hit that early hour even if they aimed at it. "They came late, ; went out to a leisurely lunch, and left; early. It was even rumoured thai; occasionally when the strain of toil relaxed in the afternoon, a hand or two of whist might relieve the tired brain." On one occasion, however, air Laurence stayed in his room working to an unusually late hour—about four o'clock: "The office charwoman resented this irregularity, and kept opening my door and peering in. At last I rose to go. and as I passed down the corridor I heard her voice, 'You can come in now, gentlemen. The clerks have all gone.' Enter the sweeps!" One night Sir Laurence stayed very late at a ball. On his way home he and an old Cambridge friend stopped; at a coffee-stall near Hyde Park Cor-: ncr and then turned into the Park. They sat .down, a disreputable couple in tousled evening, clothes, on one of the seats facing Rotten Row. They went on talking until the first of the riders trotted slowly past. The horseman looked at them with interest, and, to his dismay. Sir Laurence recognised his chief! That morning he was at the office at nine-thirty—much to the surprise of the messengers—and at ten his chief sent for him. Expecting the worst, he went along—and received an invitation. to dinner! Relieved that he had not been spotted after all, he accepted gladly. As he was leaving that night, however, his host drew him aside and said: " 'I was glad to find you at work so early this morning. So many young men of today, I fear, keen bad hours and are late for their duties.' "So he had seen me after all. I couldn't resist the temptation and said, 'Anyhow, sir, I was really quite sober. "'I haven't the remotest idea what you are talking about. Good-night.'"

FORGETFUL SALISBURY.

Sir Laurence tells many stories of politicians with whom he came in contact in the course of his work. The late Lord Salisbury was the most forgetful of men. He once asked the Chief Whip, "Who was that pleasant, fre^h-faced young man who took.off his hat to me?" "That was Walter Long, sir," was the reply; "he is in your Cabinet and is on his way there!" During"the- Boer War a batch of cartoons/includtns; some very vulgar ones of Queer; Victoria, were sent to the Foreign" Office with a dispatch from Paris. Lord Salisbury "initialled the dispatch with the familiar capital S. in red ink and returned it without the enclosures- In reply to an inquiry, he wrote, 'I'm really very sorry, but I did not realise that the pictures possessed any political importance, and I gave them to my grandchildren to amuse them.'"

Another story was told to Sir Laurence by Harry Foley, Salisbury's private secretary. When the partition of. Northern Africa was under discussion, a solemn conference of all the ambassadors concerned was called at the Foreign Office. When they had all arrived, Foley sent a messenger to inform Lord Salisbury. To' his horror the messenger came; back'and said: .

".'His Lordship, is not in the office, sir. A short time back he proceeded to the Conference Room and when he saw the big maps-all spread out, he ■seemed to take a dislike to them and left the building by the private staircase and drove "away in his brougham.'

"Foley was the most imperturbable .of men [and equal to any emergency; he' entertained the -ambassadors with his usual charming courtesy while another of the private secretaries was dispatched post-haste to Arlington Street, where .he found Lord, Salisbury, who; by good luck.' had hot gone to Hatfield,

and brought him back,

LABBY' AND HIS "SISTER."

One. of the most talked-of politicians of his' day was Henry Labpuchere. His writings and : remarks often shocked people—as indeed, they- were.. usually intended to. When he was up at Cambridge, says Sir Laurence, "he was detected.by a proctor in the company of a lady of pleasure, and with his usual readiness in a tight place said she.was his sister.

; "'Nonsense,' said the proctor. 'She's one of : the .most notorious courtesans of the town.' '~'■-.

• "'I -know that, sir,' replied L'abby, 'but is it kind to throw my family misfortunes in my face?'"

Another time an old gentleman, on being introduced to him, sei;:ed botli his hands and said: "Your dear, dear mother was such a close friend of mine." "Oh," said Labby, "perhaps you're my father?"

When Mr. Lloyd George was at the Board of Trade he was talking to Augustine Birrell and the conversation turned, says Sir Laurence, in a not too' complimentary strain on their respective parliamentary under-secrc-taries. Mr. Lloyd George had. an idea. "Look here," he said,- "let's swap grocers and see if business improves!"

One of Sir Laurence's chiefs at the Treasury. Sir Charles Fremantle, told him a story of how he had invited an elderly relative, a well-known Oxford don, to an evening's entertainment in London. After dinner Chey .went to the Alhambra: —

"The second scene was a ballet of postmen, and the stage was- packed with a throng of plump performers who;> contours—there- was no slimming in those days—betrayed their sex, tightly swathed in crimson velvet. The old man made a prolonged scrutiny of the stage through his operaglasses and then observed: 'I shrewdly suspect, my dear Charles, that some of those performers are females.'"

In Sir Laurence's day there were no married fellows at Trinity Colleg-j, Cambridge, and all the don;; lived in college. Of one old don it was reported that for thirty years he had never ventured outside the college gates.. Into his room one day, however, there burst a friend of his youth, a cheery colonel from India: With much difficulty he persuaded his old friend to go for a walk before dinner ;n Hall:—

THE DON'S MISTAKE

"As they were passing through a meadow the don stopped short, and pointed excitedly at a stile whereon sat a youth with his arm round a girl's waist. " 'Just look at that,' he cried. '"Well, what about it?' said the colonel.

" 'What about it?' echoed the don. 'I haven't seen, that since I was a boy in Lincolnshire, and I always thought it was a local custom.' "

Sir Laurence left the Civil Service to become Governor of the Straits Settlements. Among his visitors at

Singapore was Clemenceau, the old "Tiger" of France. He was going from there to Java, and Sir. Laurence told him about -a certain native -Ra3al} who, whenever he met a distinguished European, always asked him how many children he had. When the visitor owned up to three or four, as the case might be, the Rajah would say: "1 have eighty-five!" But Clemenceau was ready for him. When he "passed through Singapore on his return, ne said to me, 'I went to see your philoprogenitive Rajah, and, as you P.™" phesied, he asked me how many children I had.' .

" 'Well, what did you say?' - " 'I told him ■ I had a hundred and twenty-three. There was no spirit left in him.' " ■' ' Clemenceau-gave Sir Laurence and Lady Guillemard a warm welcome when they stayed with him in 1922 in. Paris. One afternoon he took them, up-to Versailles and found the Palace closed to visitors. He went up to a sentry and said,-'Je suis Clemenceau, mon enfant," and after a -.brief cpn.versatipn the man hurried off: —

"In a short time doors began to open and like 'rabbits bolted by a ferret officers hurried out,. gathered, round the old man, and accompanied us to the entrance of the' Palace: ' Aj ter making the round we were .escorted in a triumphal procession to our car. " 'You see,' he said as we left, with his inimitable Gallic swagger, 'old George can still get what he wants.

A "SPECIAL" FOR MR. LUCAS,

Another visitor at Singapore was Mr. E. V. Lucas. He was on a cruise and Sir Laurence persuaded him to go for a trip on his yacht, and rejoin his train two days later. Unfortunately, engine trouble developed, and it was clear that they would be late for the local train which connected with the mail to Singapore:— "This was serious; it meant not only missing his train, .but his arrival at Singapore after his ship with all his belongings on board had departed. "But Lucas was quite unmoved. 'Guests of Governors don't miss connections; they have specials.' And so it was. An engine was fortunately available and he departed in-glory. Sir Laurence has been a member,of many clubs during his life; In the, nineties, he says, the elder -servants seemed like the retainers of. some ancient house, the upholders,of its traditions, and the guardians of its interests. On one occasion, for' m'stance, "a lady called and asked the hall porter if Mr. X was in the club. 'I can't'say, madam,' '■' "'Please find out, and, if.he J§,m, say. his wife wants to see him. -~ "'Sorry,'madam, but members of Brook's don't Have wives.'"