Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXIV, Issue 111, 6 November 1937, Page 26

Wit and Humour

Wife: Let me see that letter you've iust opened. I can see from the.handwriting it's from a woman, and you turned pale when you read at. ■ - ,-... ■ Husband: You can have it. It's from your milliner. .. ■ , ■'

Little Tommy marched, boldly,into the shop, and cried; "Father has sent me for a piece of rope, please.' ■. ?'How much does he want?': asked the shopman. " "Just enough to reach from our goat to the fence!" , -

A humane society agent in America was called one day to the country, where a man was reported as not procerly feeding his horse. Said the agent: "Why do you keep'that horse, The man answered: "I have to have him to cut the hay.". .... , "Hay for what?" inquired the agent. "Hay to feed the horse," replied the man.

"Dad," said a little fellow to his parent. "I think I want to get mar--11 "Married!" exclaimed the astonished father.."Who is it that you would like to marry?" "I want to marry granny," was the youngster's reply. "You want to marry your grandmother. Do you think that I would ever allow you to marry my mother?" "Why shouldn't I marry your mother? You married my mother, didn't you?" . \

The principal of the firm ; looked grimly at their newest traveller. "Look here, Jenkins," said he, "we have no wish to stint you in the way of-cash for reasonable expenses, but we think you've gone over the line by treating yourself to a new,hat and" calling the item 'Overhead expenses'!" An enthusiastic golfer came home to dinner. During the meal his wife said: "Willie tells me he caddied for you this afternoon." "Well, do you know," said Willies father, "I thought I'd seen that boy before." , The dramatic critic started to leave in the middle of the second act of the P "Don't ?o now," said the manager. "I promise there's a terrific kick in the next act." . ... "Fine," was the retort; "give it 4o the author." * Manager (interviewing applicant for job): And how long have you been out of work? Applicant: Well, I couldn't just say, sir. ■ I've lost my birth certificate. , Mabel: Did you ask father for my h^a dck (bitterly): Yes, I asked him over the 'phone, and he replied: I don't know who's speaking, but it s o.k. with me." Mother: Baby is going to be an auctioneer when he grows up. Husband: How do you know? Mother: He already has your watch under the hammer. Host, (at party): You'll sing, won't y°Bill:'sorry, old chap; I didn't.bring my, bath. . Fair typist: George's moustache fairly made me laugh. Second typist: It tickled me, too. MEN OF LETTERS. A Devonshire shepherd and a cowman were discussing the new squire, and the conversation was as follows:— Shepherd: 1.C.E.8.A.0.8.E. Cowman: E. 8.. 8.E.? , Shepherd: 1.. E.B. Cowman: Y.8.E.A.0 8.E.? Shepherd: Y.E.8.A.M.P., U.C. Cowman: 0.1., I.C. LIKE ADAM. "Did he take his "misfortunes like a "Precisely. ; He1 laid thevblame on his wife." ; : . HE KNEW NOW, THOUGH. She (angrily): I was a fool when I married you! * He (calmly): Yes, darling, but I was in love and didn't notice it. ■ RECKLESS BUYER.. Jobson. had just returned from a trip abroad: and was making his report to, his employer.' Presently his expenses sheet came under review.

"What is this large item?" asked the employer.,.: .:/ ... * ~. , , , . "That's; my,hotel ibilU sir." ~,^ v "Hiah! Don!t, buy any more hotels next;time you go abroad." • • : -, . ,

A man accompanied by his wife^ visited a tailor's to order a suit pi clothes. The couple disagreed over the material/and style, and the, wife lost her temper. ': "Oh, well," she said, turning away, "please yourself. I suppose ■you are the,:6ne who will wear the clothes?" "Well,!' observed the husband, ipeekly, "I didn't suppose you'd want to wear the coat and waistcoat!'

Teacher: Tommy! I'm surprised at you hitting someone smaller than yourself. Do you know what people like that become when they grow up? -Tommy: Yes^-school teachers.

."Your little.boy shows great determination," remarked the visitor. "What's he trying to do now.?" inquired the proud mother, beaming. Hes making'soap bubbles and trying to .pin one on the wall." ■

The young couple, obviously very proud Of the new baby the girl was carrying, boarded the bus and sat near the entrance. The conductor was a young mah of the type that makes busriding a joy. He approached the couple for the fares/and, noticing the infant, bent over, it and exclaimed: 'Thats a lovely one! • This year's ain't it? ■

"Mother," said a little girl to her parent, "is your hair permanently waved?" "It is," replied mother, whereupon the girl asked: "Then,'why cannot I have my neck permanently washed?" y;.. ''■ ;. ■.';' ■:--. .;:

"How did your wife like the diamond brooch you gave her for her birthday?" -"Delighted! She was awfully nice for a couple of days; buf she's herself again now." Prison visitor: Is there anything I can do for you outside the prison? Tramp: Yus, I'd be delighted if you could persuade the Mayor to give me the freedom of the city. It was early summer, and the young school teacher was talking- to-her class about the beauty, of the season. "This morning," she said, ' as I 'stood on the platform waiting for my train, the sun was shining warmly, and I felt something gently caressing my cheek. What do you think it was?" "The stationmaster, miss?" said a young and eager voice. " NEW VERSION. ;Two Irish' bricklayers,' Pat and .Mike, were helping. to, build a house. Pat was on the roof, Mike on the ground. • Suddenly the foreman told Mike to fetch the ladder, which was urgently needed round the other side of. the building. "Hoi!" shouted Mike to his mate. "Don't come down the ladder, Pat. I've taken it away." Shouted Pat from the roof: "Then ye'd better put it back agin; I'm half-way down already." TRAGEDY. Newly-wed husband: Do you mean to say there's only one course for dinner tonight? Just cheese? Wife: Yes, dear. You see, when the chops caught fire and fell into the sweet ;i had to use the soup to put it out. COMPLIMENTS. " - - • "You know, you're not a bad Jooking girl." -"Oh, you'd say so even if you didn't think so." "We're-, even," then.'.You'd- think so even if" I 'didn't say. so." KINDLY ACT., "' : "You told that, man'it' wasn't much more than five minutes to the station, and it is all of 15 minutes!" . "Yes, but he was nice and polite— and he seemed so tired." • " DIVIDED. ; Sammy was not prone, to over-ex-ertion in the classroom. ' Therefore, his mother was both surprised and pleased when he came home with the announcement, "I got *a- hundred this morning." "That's lovely, dear," she said, as she kissed the boy tenderly. "What was it in?" she asked. "Fifty in composition and fifty m grammar." SPLENDID ISOLATION. It was a dreamy day, and the. two tramps sprawled in the sun. "I'd like to have a nice pub in an out-of-the-way-spot," said No, 1., . "You wouldn't get many customers, replied No. 2. . , . . VWho-the blazes warits, customers? retorted No. li

THE DIFFERENCE. The two chorus girls were having tea together. "Do you know," said one, when the manager asked me my.age, I couldn't for the life of me remember whether I was twenty or twenty-one." "What did you say?" asked, her "Oh," replied the other, "I split the difference and said nineteen." . - BECOMING POPULAR. "Waiter, there's an ant on this ice cream sundae!" • "Hm-m! So. they're going in for winter sports', too?" ••■--.- - - - ...; ■ ■ -.-useful, ■".'•■■-■' They were unpacking their goods for a weekend's camping. ■ "George!" thundered the massive wife, as she came upon an unopened bottle of whisky, "what's the meaning of this?" ■ .• "That's all right, my dear. I brought it along to stick a candle in when it's empty." : ; ' ' . : SALE PRICES. - - "Business is'so quiet that we had better have a special". sale," said the shoe merchant. "Alt right," said the store manager, "what shall it be?" : ■ "Well," said the boss, "take that line of 5s shoes and mark them- down from 10s to 8s 6d." • ' J ' The town constable was awakened late one night by a phone call from a woman who wanted him to come right over and investigate what her hens were cackling'about. • •-•'-.. Seeing, rain pouring down in torrents outside his windpw,,in his sleepy state the. constable could not resist the temptation to ask, "Couldn't you step outside and see?"

To which the'woman very promptly replied: "'Why, I wouldn't send a dog out on a night like this!" :

COLLECTIVE . SECURITY.

•Lady (to tramp): Now go away or I'll call my husband). Tramp: Oh, 'im! I know 'im. E's ' the litUe feller" who told me yesterday to go away or he'd call his wife! LUCKY. FOR HIM! He was a very young policeman, and | though he had passed all his examinations with flying colours, he had had very 'little actual experience of life. , Shortly after midnight, one foggy evening, the young constable," on his first-beat, met a burglar carrying a bulging sack on his back. "Just a minute," said the constable sternly.' "What have you got in , "Only swag, son," replied the burg"K's a good job for you that it's not stolen property," remarked the policeman, as he passed on. NO INDUCEMENT. I How can a confectioner hope to sell his wares when a card in his window states: "Try our cakes. None like them!" Or the butcher, who advertises: "Prime sausages. Made for nearly 40 years." , . ALL EVEN. "The dentist wasn't painless, mummy," said little Betty. "Why, dear, did he hurt you?" asked her mother. , _... . . "No. But he yelled when I bit his finger." A NIGHT'S REST. " Two men had put up at a boardinghouse and were just preparing for bed when one of them proceeded to shake the blankets- vigorously. Just then the landlord looked into the room and exclaimed, " 'Ere, that won't kill em! Whereupon the boarder replied, l know that, but it'll make, 'em dizzy for the night." SHY DONALD. A simple Highland shepherd lad, named Donald, was an1 obedient son and a shy lover, "Mither," he said one evening, "can I get oot tae see ma "'Of course ' Donald," replied his mother readily. Later, on his return, she asked: "Well, Donald did ye see Jean?" "Aye, mither," -.he replied, "and if I hadna' bobbed doon behind the shed sheM hae seen me! PLOT. A well-known novelist found himself travelling in a train with two very talkative women. Having recognised him from his published portraits, they opened fire on him -about his novels, praising them in a manner which was unendurable ,to the sensitive writer Presently the train entered a tunnel, returned he found great suavity, he said, "Ah. ladies, the one regret of,my life will be that I shall- never know which of you it was that kissed me." • A REAL CHANGE. Jack had been out of work for many years. His home was in one of. the depressed areas and he had long since despaired, of ever getting a job again. One evening he rushed into his cottage, kissed his wife, and announced wTth much .excitement that he had got a job at last and was starting in the m"l?s ni" fine job," he said enthusiastically, "A postman's job.'; "That's grand," said his wife. It will be such a change from tramping the :streetsi : all ■day." CAUTIOUS. "Listen, I .wouldn't cash a cheque for my own brother." "Well of course, you know y^our family better than I do." SUBSTITUTE. Jane: Oh, Fred, baby has swallowed the matches. What shifll we do? Fred: Here, use my, cigarette-lighter. LUCKY. There he was, swimming in the cold water, battling heroically against the waves. "Just a half-mile more," he thought, "and I'll make the shores His strokes were getting weaker. He could hardly lift an arm any more. The beach was only a few yards away. His last efforts wers too much. He began to grow dizzy. Then his head began to swim and carried him to the shore