Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXIV, Issue 27, 31 July 1937, Page 28

Wit and Humour

A REST. "Of course," said the farmer, engaging a lad, "you can stay in bed if you feel tired, and I might tell you we had a man die in bed once." "What \vith?" asked the lad, eagerly. "Starvation," replied the farmer. IT WORKED. Chemist's Assistant (to proprietor): Oh sir, there's a Scotsman in the shop who wants to buy two pennyworth of poison to commit, suicide. How can I save him? The Proprietor: Tell him it'll cost half' a crown! NO HELP FOR IT. Two elderly ■ members met at the club after 'many years. Said one to the other, who was . slightly deaf— . "I'm sorry to hear of the death of your wife." "Eh? What's that?" •. . „ "I'm sorry to hear your wife is aead. "Speak up, man. I can't hear you! "I'm' sorry you've buried your wife! "But I had to. She died." LIMITS. Harry: How is it that Norah goes out with a different fellow every night? Bill: Because no chap can afford to take her out more than once a week, r

POOR FUN. "Say, where've you been?" "To a wedding." "Any good?" "Rotten." "Who sot married?" "I did." GOB HUMOUR. , "Did you give your wife that little lecture on economy you talked about?" "Yes." "Any results?" "Yes—l've got to give up smoking cigars." NOT A DOUBLE EVENT. Friend: Hello, what are you doing here, old fellow? Brown: I am on my honeymoon.: Friend: Where's your wife? Brown: Well, somebody must stay at home and look after the shop. A MIX-UP. "Dear me!" said the lady, reading a paper to her husband, "an. aeroplane has come down in a market-place." "Really?" said he, puzzled. "Yes," said she. . "It .says the plane got into a stall." " HER OWN. A young husband came home one evening to find his wife sewing some dainty little clothes. . "My dear," he said, "why.didnt you tell'me?" ~ , , „ . . "Don't be silly," she replied; "this is to be my new dinner gown." . . : HER AIM. Gipsy: - You want to know about your future husband, beautiful lady? Visitor: No. I-want to know something about the past of my present husband for future use! NEGLIGE. Their ship was in collision at night, but the he-man husband ordered his wife to keep cool and put on plenty of clothing before weaving the cabin. He set her an example of coolness' in the face fo danger by even putting on a collar and tie. When they were on deck and saw the other more hasty people shivering in their night clothes, he said triumphantly: "There, my deor, 1 see what a lot we've gained by keeping our heads." "Yes, my love, you're the only man lon deck with a collar and tie, but you should have remembered: to put on your trousers."

AMBIGUOUS. •' "How far is your house from the station?" "Only a five T rmnute walk, if you run." TOO MANY. . ;;,•-■■■- ' "You have only called one constable," said the man accused of. being drunk and disorderly. "I want to hear the second constable's evidence." "There was no second constable present," said the policeman. . ..■■ "You'll excuse me, but I distinctly saw him," persisted the prisoner. , "Yes, that's why you're here," .was the reply. ' ' . :' : HARD LUCK.- • A small boy was late for Sunday school and the minister: inquired the cause. "' ' .- ' "I was going fishing, but father wouldn't let me," said the boy. "That's the right kind of father to have," replied the minister; "and .did he ■explain why you were.not to go?" • ■ ■•■"■■■,. "Yes, sir. He said there . wasn t enough, bait for both of us." ..,.'.•■ AS USUAL. .■.':' "What a delightful new sideboard. Period, of course?" . . '~ . t "Oh,"-yes, thirty-six ■monthly " instalments." , ' . ■ . , ... .'

.REMEDY. ,- . ■'-■.' Scotsman: Doctor, what can I do to prevent seasickness? Doctor: Have you a penny? . Scotsman: Yes, sir. Doctor:. Well, hold it between your teeth. ■■ ' '. • : - ; DELAY. ' ■'■■ ■. "A nice sort of welcome!" said the father, visiting his son at,a boarding school. "I am hardly out of -the, train when you ask me for money." "Well, dad, you must admit the train was 20 minutes late." ■ ■ ■' PROFESSOR'S WIFE. "Hello; is that the police station?" "Yes, what's the matter?" ■ "I.just wanted to tell you that you need not search for my husband. 1 found him myself. He had forgotten to take off his overcoat, and I hung him in the closet by mistake.". PRECAUTIONARY MEASURES. "Now,' sergeant, I, am . concerned about the quality of the drinking water. What precautions do you- take against infection?" '■■'■'•' •■' • "Well, sir, first we boil it- " , "Good." •■■':■".•• "Then we filter it r "- ~, -. "Excellent." "And then we- drink beer." SLOW. Instalment Collector: Look here, you're seven instalments behind on your piano. ' Purchaser: Well, the company advertises "Pay as you play." . Collector: What's.that.got to do with it? . . . , Purchaser: I play very slowly. A NEW IDEA..; ; . j Amateur Author: Well, I've' nearly finished my book, but I can't make up my mind whether to. make the villain, kill the hero 'or ■ vice versa. What do you advise? : . Literary Friend: I don't know, really. It's been 'done both ways. Why not strike an original theme—let them make a suicide pact? ' , ACID. TONGUE. Chemistry Professor: Jones, " what does HNO3 signify? ' . .Cadet Jones: Well,"ah, er'r—l've got it' right on the tip of my tongue, sir. Chemistry Professor: Well; .you'd better spit it out. It's nitric acid.

....... SEASIDE CHIMES. ! "Do you think there's music in the stars?" "I don't know, but I've heard of the sun "causing a belle to peel." .■■•■'■ NOT ON VIEW. "I realise, dear, I'm riot much to look at." •'.■-■ "Oh, Jimmie, that's all right—you know you'll be at the office all day." '■■-■' ' ' BREVITY. "I am a .woman of few words," announced the haughty mistress to the new maid. "If I-beckon with my finger, that means come." ' "Suits* me, mum," replied the girl. "I'm a woman of few words myself. If-1-shake me head, that means I ain't comin'." ' ' IRREPLACEABLE. The aged: porter of the Meteorological Office was about to retire and was given a farewell party. "Unfortunately,"- said the -president, "we 'must part, 'but with your .departure';.the institute loses its .reputation for the most reliable weather forecasts in the world. Your sensitive corn is an absolutely irreparable loss to science." '.THE WORKS. The Sunday drivers had picked the farmer's fruit ■ and his flowers, and their car was full of plunder. Pointing to an unexplored highway, they inquired of the farmer: "Shall we take this road, back,to the city?" .-. ■ "You might as well," replied the farmer, "you'.ve. got. almost everything else." NOT EXACTLY. "We women . are always misunderstood." . " ■ . ' "Well, I've' never yet met one who tried to make herself plain." SHOULD/BE IN, BETTER ONES. - "Yes, it sho' is too bad." "What's so bad, Mandy?" "Dat we-all had de depression when times was so bad." .. . . THE FIRST WEEK. "Have another roll, dear?" "Yes,. wifie, they are delicious. Did you'buy them all by yourself?" - .■-■•' A.SECRET. . ' "Why don't you like dancing- with George?" - ■> . "Oh, George is all right, but he won't let his right foot know what his left one is doing!" -...-.'.. WILLING. .History Lecturer: Can any of you tell, me what'makes the. Tower of Pisa lean? ■ Stout. Lady: I don't know.'or I'd try it myself. POWERFUL. She: Are these" field glasses highpowered? !.■-. ... ■■ He: Rather! When you look at something less than ten miles away it looks as if it's behind you. v ■ * ■- ■ '■--'■: NOT HIS. • ' 1 "Could you help a poor man who has just left prison?" ' ■ "You should be ashamed to own it." "I didn't own it, mum—l was only a lodger." -. THE INSPIRATION. Lodger: What-a frightful noise your cat's been making during the last few days. " '■- .-■■ - . ' Landlady: Yes, sir, ever since he.ate the. canary, he thinks he can sing. . , TH'J RIGHT TOUCH. Bone-setter: I'm afraid it's going to be wet again today. , ~.'■. Patient: What makes you think that? .-' Bone-setter: I can feel it in your bones. ~-.■■■ ...■...-.. .' :;: ' .'■',■ CRUSHING. Landlady (after a row;: I think you had better board■ elswhere. Mr.-Smith. Smith: Yes, I often had. ,; Landlady: Often had what? Smith: Better. board elsewhere. --■■'. .- THE SNAG. . ■ ■ ..;-. The dear old lady had been ill and had'reluctantly called in the doctor. He .prescribed-a medicine that he said would make her ten years younger.' ■- ■ .■•'.'•' "But," she protested, "how. shall I stand'with ■:my;.old-age, pension?" cured. . .'■;'.., Irish; Doctor: Begorra,: I've .knocked the fever out of him. That, is , one good thing. Wife of patient: Oh, Doctor, do you think there is any hope? -: • : Doctor: Small chance of that; but yell have the satisfaction of knowing that He died cured. ■ . . A GOOD TIME. "Well, when1 does the fun start?" asked the prisoner.' after he had spent one day in prison. "What fun?" queried the warder, "There isn't any fun here." "Well, I'm blowed!'! The judge distinctly told me that I was coming here for the time of my.-life." , ' REALITY '; The vicar was administering consolation to a parishioner who had recently lost her husband. - "Ah,: Mrs. Carter," he said, "we never - realise the. full value of anything until, we have lost it.".----"I know, sir," said Mrs. Carter, mournfully,, "but I. shan't realise riothin', sir. 'E .weren't insured!". UNKIND. - Edith: I thought of you all day yesterday, i- ■ . George: You did? How nice!. What were you doing? . Edith: I was. at the zoo. . GOOD NEWS. Mother: Oswald, you should-, never do anything which you would be ashamed for the whole world to see. • ■■■ Oswald: Hooray! I won t have to take any more baths. HE KNEW-' HER. . Wife ' (reading from paper): Here's an old hen they's found with two hearts. -; • . •. .' . ... '. Husband: I played bridge with her the other night. ■' " ' SPEECHLESS. "I told James all about my past yesterday." ' '■ ■■■:- ■ "What did he say?" "He didn't say anything. He just took, out a comb and smootned down his hair." ' ;■■' SELLING UP. Brown. How are you living nowadsvs? ' . Smith: Selling furniture. Brown: Is business brisk? Smith: Not very—it's my own furniture. ■ ..•_ .-■■■■■ PARALYSIS. Jones: I hear your wife has been very ill. How is she keeping now? Smith: Oh, she can't complain. Jones: Gracious! I had no idea she was as bad as that! ■ AT FAULT AGAIN. "In spite of the'silly jokes about us," said the plumber to the householder, "We've forgotten nothing, My. mate's here, and we've got our tools—" "Yes, I-know, but you've come to the' wrong house," was the householder's gentle reply. . THE' EXPLANATION. Tourist: Five" miles to the ■ village? Great scot! 'What made-them build the silly station all that distance:from the place? Porter: I really couldn't tell ye, sir, unless they thocht it micht be mair use down here by "the railway. MEAN WRETCH. "What is the difference between a taxi and a tube train?" "I don't know,-darling." ■ "Fine. We'll take the tube." EASIER. Sam was being implored1 by a church committee of brethren to contribute to a special fund the church was trying to raise. But Sam was obdurate. "Welir said one-of the brothers with a clincher of an argument, "don't youl, all think you owes de Lawd anythin'?" "Oh, Ah sure does,"-said Sam, "only He ain't pressin' me like mah other creditors is."