Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXIII, Issue 108, 8 May 1937, Page 26

Wit and Humour

"Would you object to your husband going out with another woman?" "I wouldn't hear of it."

Kind Old Lady: i expect you have had a good many trials in your day.' Tramp: Yes, lady; but only two convictions.

"I believe that McTavish and McDougall have been mates for nearly 1 "Yesflt rfs a very close friendship."

Master (annoyed at chattering in class): Silence! Every time I open my mouth some fool speaks. And the class laughed.

"John, John! Wake up! I feel that there's a mouse in the room. "Well, feel that there's a cat, too, and go to sleep again."

Miss Jones: Coming down in. the tram this morning I met a real gentleman. I was trying to hang on a strap and hold my bundles, and he took them in his lap.

"Before I engage you," said the mistress to the applicant she was interviewing, "I must be assured that you are economical, as I hate waste." "Why, mum, that's the very reason my last mistress dismissed me," was the reply. "For being economical? "Yes, mum; I made her dresses do for me as well as her!"

A Scot had an argument with a con-' ductor as to whether the , fare was threepence or sixpence. Finally the disgusted conductor picked up, the Scotsman's suitcase, and .tossed it off the tram just as they passed over a bridge. It landed with a splash m. the river "Mon," screamed Sandy, isn t it enough to try to overcharge me? Now you've drowned my little boy!

Lady: How much are these chickens: | Salesman: Four shillings each. Lady: Do you raise them yourself.' ' Salesman: Oh, yes. Tl^ey were three and six yesterday.

Dorothy (aged nine): "Everyone tells me I look like you, mother." Well, dear, and aren't you pleased? *I suppose so, but I'd like to be credited with a little originality."")

"Has my boy a natural bent in any one direction?" wrote a proud parent. "He has," replied the teacher. "He gives every indication of being a captain of industry some day. He gets the other boys to do his work for him.

Tommy had been taught a few swear words when he first went to school. His mother had heard and severely rebuked him. "If I hear you saying that word again, you'll leave this house." . ' . Alas! Tommy slipped, and the mother, true to her word, ordered him to pack and leave, which he did, much to her sorrow. ... Half an . hour later he returned. "Well," said the delighted mother, "are you sorry?" "No," said Tommy. . "Well, what brought you back?" "D it all, where the -— was I to go?"

"There's no pleasure in smokin'," said one old man to another. "What makes you think so?" asked his companion. "Well, if ye're smokin' yer own baccy, ye're thinkih' of the expense, an' if ye're smokin' someone else's, yer pipe's rammed so tight it won't draw.'

"Well, what did the doctor say, dear?" asked the anxious husband. "He said I needed a stimulant," replied the wife, "and he asked to see my tongue." "Good heavens!" moaned the man. "Don't tell me he's going to give you a stimulant for,that!"

"Och! De'il tak' it. The thing's a swindle," exclaimed the irate Scot, as he stood in front of an automatic cignrette machine.

"Anything the matter?" asked an onlooker. "Matter!" snorted the Scot. "There is muckle the matter. I jist pit a bra' brass button in her instead o' saxpense "Did you get out any cigarettes?" asked the onlooked. "Na, na! It is no that. I got the fags a' richt, but " "Well, what are you grumbling about?" asked the other. "Weel, it says, 'Counterfeit coins returned here,' and it hasna' returned ma buttonP'

"How much for this big dog?" "Four guineas." "And for this tiny one?" "Five guineas." "And this little one?" . "Six guineas." "And for this tiny one?" ? "Eight guineas." "Heavens! What'll it cost me if I don't buy one at all?",

Two darkies were discussing things in general. "I'll tell you what, Sambo, I don' found out de deffence > between men and de women at last.

- "Well—what is it?" "Well, a man'll gib two dollars for a one-dollar thing dat he wants, and a woman'U gib one dollar for a twodollar thins what she don't want!

The scene was a fire, and two Frenchmen who were present became very excited at the cool efficiency of the Fire Brigade, one of them exclaiming, "Voici ranglais avec son sangfroid aAn onlooker turned to his neighbour. "What is he saying?" he asked. "He says, 'Here comes the Englishman with his usual b cold, replied the other disgustedly.

Lawyer (in Irish court):, Did the defendant talk .to himself when alone.' Paddy: I don't know. .I, was.never with him when he was alone.

"Didn't I shave you about a fortnight ago, sir?" "No, I got that scar in France." i . •

Woman, learning to drive: But 1 don t know what to do! Her husband: Just imagine that I'm driving.

"Is that young lady your wife or your sister?" asked the inquisitive one. ."Well,!' was the'reply, "she has not yet made up her mind." \ i

Indignant woman: When I shop I always ask for what.l want; and if they have it, and it pleases me, and I feel an inclination to buy it, and it is cheap enough, and I have the money, and one cannot buy it anywhere else,, I nearly always buy it . without the haggling and arguing during the whole day 'which other persons do.

She: Do you love me for mysell alone? • . , T He: Yes, and when we're married I don't want any of the family thrown in. ."■'.'■; '

Pat, walking down the street, picked up a two-shilling piece; a minute later a Jew came up to him said, Excuse me, but that's my half-crown!' "Just my luck," said Pat. 'Here, take it. I'll owe yer a sixpence!

A teacher asked a little boy to spell "responsibility," which he did. Now, Tommy," said the teacher, "can, you tell.me the meaning of that big word?_ "Yes, mum," answered Tommy. If I had only two buttons on my trousers and one came off, all the responsibility would hang on the other."

Sandy was all smiles when he returned home. "What's the news, mon?" asked his wife, puzzled. "Wonderful, lassie," said the Scot. "I've just heard that next week they are going to put the local paper up to tuppence." "Mon, mon, have ye gone crazy?' asked his wife. "Why, there's nothing to rejoice over that." "Oh, yes, there is, Jennie," Sandy went on. "Ye ken that when I used to go to the free library to look through it I used to save a penny—now , I'll be saving . tuppence."

Salesman: Say, your shoes are mixed; you've got the left shoe on the right foot. ' . ' : _ Tramp: And here for twenty years I thought I was clubfooted.

.Miss Millie Browne, the prettiest girl in the village, had a father who snubbed all young men who arrived to see her. One evening Charles Newton, a bashful young man, called. Mr. Browne and' old Mr. Newton were close friends, but the young man had grown so rapidly that the old man did not recognise his visitor. "It looks like rain," the young fellow ventured, timidly. "'Taint goin' to rain," was the gruff response. For about a quarter of an hour they sat in silence. Finally, the old man's curiosity got the better of him. "Who are you?" he growl"cd. "Charles Newton." "What! Not old Tom Newton's son?" "Yes." "Well, well," said Mr. Browne, more kindly, "it may rain. It may rain."

An artist, who spent a great part of his life in the Latin Quarter, tells of the frugality of a Frenchman who lived on a pension of five shillings a week, involving a curious system, which the Frenchman thus explained: "Eet is.simple, vaire simple! Sunday I go to ze house of a good friend, and zere I done so extraordinaire and eat so vaire much I need no more till Vednesday. On zat day I have at my restaurant one large, vaire large, dish of tripe and some onion. I abhor, ze tripe, yes, and ze onion also, and togezzer zey make me so ill as I have no more any appetite till Sunday. Eet is vaire simple!"

GOT RID OF IT.

Mrs. Gossip (to her next-door neighbour): Did your husband go. to the club dinner? , .. Neighbour: Oh, aye, he went all rlMr's. Gossip: And did he deliver bis speech? , , , Neighbour: Oh, he must have delivered his speech, because he was -speechless when he came home.

DEPRESSION.

' "Those sausages you sent me were meat at one end and bread at tie ° "Yes, ma'am. In these hard times it's difficult to make both ends meat.

A FUTURE DIPLOMAT.

The following letter addressed to the bewhiskered and jovial patron saint of. the, holiday season^ should pay dividends:— Please bring me a bisikkle so I can get to school on time. Also a punching bag so I can get strong fer moweing the lawn, and a big red wagon so I can bring in stoav wood. I need roler skates too so I can run erands faster for mother. Yours truly, ■ Willie Jones.

HOW HE TAKES IT.

Jock: You still take your morning bath, I suppose? , Bill: Never miss it. Sometimes 1 take it hot, sometimes cold, and when I'm in a hurry I take it for granted.

TIRED OF SITTING?

With a pair of skates slung over her arm a young woman entered the crowded street car. A man rose to give her his seat. "Thank you," she said, "but I have been skating all afternoon."

FIFTY-FIFTY. "Now. Willie, you must not be selfish. You should let your brother have the sled half the time." "Yes, mother," replied the lad, "I do. I have it going down the hill and he has it coming up."

SHREWD.

The new customer walked into the store. "How many chickens have you got today?" "Oh, about six, ma'am." "Tough or tender?" "Some are tough, and some tender!: "Well, I keep • boa.rde.rs. Pick, out three of the toughest, please." To this unusual request the delighted grocer complied at once, saying, "Please, ma'am, these here are the tough ones" r ' - ■: Whereupon the. customer coolly laid her hand on the others and said, 111 take these, please."

Farm Worker-(to hiker crossing a field): "Didn't you see the notice saying pedestrians ain't allowed here?" Hiker (with great presence of mind): "I'm not a pedestrian. I'm a Congregationalist!" "Oh, that's different. You can go

THE LAST FIRST.

A young clerk, being assigned the task of cataloguing the valuable library books, came across a.book in. the Hebrew, and after careful examination, thus entered it: "Item, a book which begins at the very encV'

GUESSING,

.Husband (arriving home very late): Hallo, my dear. You can't guess where I've been. ~■•■•. Wife: I can; but tell your story first.

NEVER GOT IT.

"Why is it," asked the lady customer irritably, "that I never get what I ask for in this shop?" The manageress smiled coldly. "Perhaps, madam," she replied, "xt is because we are too polite."

SO MUCH FOR HIM!

A distinguished visitor to a lunatic asylum went ■to the telephone and found difficulty in getting his connection. Exasperated, he shouted to the operator:' . "Look here, girl, do you know who I am?" ~•,■-.-- --"No," came back the calm reply, but I know where you are!"

HUSBAND AT HOME.

The two modern wives were discussing their respective husbands over a cup of tea. The first one complained that her- husband never came home from his club until it was long past midnight. "Well, my. dear,", said her friend,, "for years I wondered where my husband was spending his evenings. And then one night I reached home early—and there he was!"

CAFETERIA.

"Modern marriage is like a cafe"How do you'figure that out?" "A man' grabs what looks nice and pays for it later." "' ..■■■■■■•■•,

SPELLING IT.

The popular film star was .always trying out her' French on table companions, so it happened that, when a certain gallant asked her if she'd have sugar she said, •"Oui." ;"; '~ "What do you mean by 'we'?" asked the gallant. "O, v and i," said the actress.

ENOUGH TIME. , "Have you a second to spare?" "Yeah."' ■ . - - "Tell me all about yourself.

GETTING A KICK,

;Gerf: How did you get. that black eye? ; \ ' Bert: Playing Rugger last Saturday. Gert: Are you fond of- the game? ■ Bert: Oh, yes; I generally manage to get a kick out of it. ■ ,

BATTLED FOR HIMSELF.

"Yes," he said, "I was left without mother and father at the age of j ten months, and ever since Ive had to battle along for myself." ■ "How did you manage to support yourself at ten months?" ' t ' "Oh, I crawled to a baby show and won first prize."

ALL WRONG. "Any complaints?" asked the orderly officer, looking in at the men s mess. "Yes. sir," said a young private. "The bread's wrong." "What's the matter with it?" asked the officer. . ■ "It contradicts the laws of gravity, sir " explained the man. "It sas heavy as lead, but it won't go down.'-'

A TREASURE.

"You haven't said, a word for twenty minutes!!" he exclaimed. - "Well," she said, "I didn't have anything to say." ' ~ . , "Don't you ever say anything when you have nothing to say?" , "No." _~ "Then will you marry me?"

FILIAL AFFECTION.

Provost sergeant, to private who is constantly on defaulters: What, here again! If I were your father I'd give you a dose of poison. Private: Yes, sergeant, and if I were your son, I'd take it. (

PARENTS,

Overheard in a Princes Street restaurant: . ■■ .' "And so she is married at last! Who js the happy man?" "Her father." ' :

BREAKING IT GENTLY.

Clerk: I'd like to get a week off, sir, to attend the wedding of a friend.

Employer: A very dear friend, I should think, to make you want that much time off. '

Clerk: Well, sir, after the ceremony she will ■be my wife.

THEY'LL LIVE WITH GROOM'S