POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXXIII, Issue 53, 4 March 1937, Page 8

POSTSCRIPTS

By Peiict Fiagjl

Chronicle arid Comment

Many an outspoken publicist has spoken out of his turn before' today. Australia has retained the Ashes, but there is 11© need for England to don the sackcloth. "Simple Sue."—l asked my hubby what the difference was between a Red 1 Fed and a Communist. He replied: "Twenty-four years." Just what does he mean? . # « • The latest Franco story comes from Berlin. It is: "Franco can't advance any quicker on Madrid because of- a shortage of ir terpreters to transmit his orders to his troops."; : *■ * * /' TOPSY TURVY WEATHER. Dear Flage,—Will, you please get ill touch with the weather prophet? • Because this is the/land of the All Blacks, there is no reason why we should have . three winters on end. Perhaps ha does know we play cricket (?) in the summer. LITTLE .VIC. ♦ * * : MANY INVENTIONS. i Corn on the. ;cob with zippers, banana-farms in' Maine, orange-groves in Vermont, self-squeezing grapefruits, peaches bigger than footballs, apples almost the size 1 of pumpkins, and overnight harvests are some of the curiosities now under inspection at the United States Patent Office in Washington. "All of these fancies seem impossible at present," says ah official statement, "but they are 116 more so. than were the airplane or radio in 1836." Recent patents were issued for an electric toothbrush, a gadget to protect mothers-in-law riding in rumble seats, an apparatus to run cars sideways for parking, and a device to make people "look human" when having passport pictures taken. -.. LOADED DOWN. Dear Flage,—ln your interesting Column 8 I notice a par about the tremendous weight that the Peers have to carry at "the coming Coronation ceremony. Now Mr. Flage, will you ask some of your contributors to furnish the weight of:— , Ist: Complete battle order, gas-mask, tin hat, 250 rounds .303, six Mills bombs, several quarts of mud, iron' rations, etc., carried for four years. 2nd: A sore heart. ■ . Just imagine it: 18 inches to sit, and bone-dry at that, too! Shades of "Old Bill." ; . . . DINTY MOORE. P.S.—I enclose a cutting about the British Post Office. Where did' this fellow get his information? Perhaps it's a joke? INQUIRY DEPARTMENT. . "Cricket Fan" (The Terrace).—(l) ' Allen's "Gubby" comes from the initial letters of his Christian names, G. O. 8., which stand for George Oswald Browning. (2) The laws of cricket provide that after 200 runs have been scored the fielding side can demand a new ball. If a new ball is called for at 250 the next demand cannot be made until the score has reached 450. "H.M.S.".—The Duke of Windsor's financia.l situation- has been, given as follows:" His father'left hinv Balmoral Castle with between £80,000 " and £100,000, and Sandringham, the Royal estate in Norfolk, with about £500,000. An English weekly reports that: negotiations are in train for the sale of Sandringham to the King-.and - his mother, who are anxious to buy it. * •" *.•■.- AUDACIOUS ADOLF. : The tale is current in Germany of a Nazi schoolmaster who never lost an opportunity of ragging those of his scholars who could not provide firstclass Aryan pedigrees. . One day he sought to pour ridicule on the first names of his Jewish pupils. "What's your name?" he demanded, pointing to a meek little Hebrew. "Issie." , ."Issie!" quoted" the teacher in mocking tone. "Now who ever v heard of such a ridiculous name?" He pointed to a second. "Jacob," was the response, and again the teacher, warming up to the job, poured ridicule on the head ; of Jacob. ; . . "Now then, you, what is your name? he said to the third. "Adolf!".came the bold reply. "And do vot you»vont vith that!" The morning's lesson proceeded. « . . * - 4 * '' MORNING TEA MONOLOGUE. Mornin', ole thing. I'm. fairly, well, Considerin' I 'aye been through, Me crook right knee still creaks a bit, But otherwise I'm pretty fit. (Yes, make it strong, dear ... two lumps, please) ' Haspirin an' lotsa oysters—these Brought me around, I'm glad to say, 'Ence my appearance 'ere today. ■ : I stayed in bed a lot an' let Me thoughts run riot. . . didn't fret, Jest told meself that if the worst Came to the worst, I,couldn't burst Into 'ot tears or cry aloud, Me 'cad not ruddy, but unbowed, -~ An' if the call came clear for me, Sunset an' hevenin' star, I'd be Ready to soar on wings uv love Outer Life's maize to rellums. above. I ,like Lord Nuffled, hees a sport. If there 'was more blokes uv hees sort Our stricken an' afflicted pore Wouldn't be sorrerful no more. " : Wealth 'as responsibility, They say, but yet it seems to me. Our modren Creases should give 'eed To Mr. Nuffled's gen'rous lead. But will they? No. What they will do (In conferdence 'tween me-'n'-you) Will be most loudly to applaud L The sent'ments uv me noble lord, An' when hees gorn away they'll, tell Their frien's: "Uv course, this chap means well, / 'Andin' out thousands 'ere-'n'-there, Not turnin' uv a single 'air; I reckon hees a trifle queer. . ." Ain't this a stuffy hatmosphere. * » *.-■■. MUSICAL NOTE. Lablache, the great French basso, was a huge man. So much so that while it was a considerable problem for him to get into the Paris hack of that day, it was an even greater one for him to extricate himself. That was the time that the dwarf, Tom Thumb, was being exhibited in Paris. Two men came to town to see him from what is known in American-ese as "the sticks." Tom Thumb, it so happened, was indisposed that day and did not appear. Greatly disappointed, the two sightseers inquired of a gentleman, who turned out to be a wag, if there were not some way in which they might see the dwarf before ■travelling all the way home. He replied that they would only have to knock at the door of a certain' house. . They knocked, waited a moment, and the door was opened by a towering man. It was Lablache. The two yokels looked at each other. Finally one.of them managed: "We have come to see Tom Thumb." After a moment the basso replied: "I am Tom Thumb." "But we thought you were very small." "Before the public, yes! But at home I prefer to be comfortable."