Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXXII, Issue 153, 26 December 1936, Page 17

Wit and Humour

CAUGHT. Jones: I planted ten shillings' worth of bulbs on Saturday, and they were all up on' Monday. Johnson: Good gracious! Some electric gadget you've got, I suppose? Jones: No; only your cat. SECURE. "Jones wants to borrow five pounds from me. Is he good for that amount?" "Yes, with proper securities." "What would you suggest?" "A chain and padlock, a pair of handcuffs, and a watch-dog." THE REASON. "Lady, could yer gimme a shilling'to get where me family is?" "Certainly, my poor man. Here's the shilling. Where is your family?" "Gone to the pictures!" CHANCE OF A LIFETIME. Minister: I wish to announce that on Wednesday evening the ladies' aid will have a rummage sale. This is a chance for all the ladies of the congregation to get rid of anything that is not worth keeping, but is too good to be thrown away. Don't forget to bring your husbands. UNSETTLED. It was in a select restaurant, and the flapper, having finished her lunch, lit a cigarette. A waiter approached accompanied by an elderly lady, who before I sitting down acidly. \ "I hope you don't mind my eating whilst you are smoking." "Oh, no," replied the girl coolly, "as long as I can hear the orchestra." "

HIS CHANCE. Old Syme and his nephew, Henry, visited London to' see an important football, match. After the game they called at an inn. The barmaid was a flirt, and made quite a fuss of Henry. Presently, hearing a newsboy shouting "Football results," Syme went to buy a paper, leaving Henry and the barmaid alone. Leaning invitingly towards him until her lips were enticingly near, the girl' whispered, "Now's your chance!" "So it is," replied Henry—and quickly drank his uncle's beer! THE ANSWER. ' The cross-talk act had gone very well during the week, and on Friday night one of the partners urged the other to go and ask the management for a return date. "You're better eddicated than what I am," he said. "You'll be able to talk to 'im proper." Off went the other partner, and on his return the other eagerly asked — "Well, what did 'c say?" "Oh, he acquiesced." "Did 'c? The dirty dog!" HINTING; The Aberdonian had.been courting his girl for some time and had at last plucked up sufficient courage to propose to her. ■ -: ■" But somehow, when the moment arrived, things didn't seem to be quite so easy. , . "I was here on Monday nicht, wasn't I, Jeanie?" he began. "Ye was that." "And I was here again on Tuesday nicht?" "That's so." "And I was back' again on Wednesday nicht?" < ■ . . "Ye was, lan." "An' this is Friday and here I am again. Oh, Jeanie, d'ye no smell a rat?" -• ■ PROFIT AND LOSS. A Sunday school teacher, after telling the class the Parable of the Talents, gave each boy sixpence, explaining that they were to use their capital during the week and report on the following Sunday how much they had made. "Now, then," he said to the first boy when they gathered a week later, "how much has.your talent gained?" Thte boy produced a shilling and the teacher was delighted. "Splendid!" he exclaimed, then turned to the-second boy. . > "And how much have you brought?" "Nothing, sir."' . The teacher's expression changed. "There, you see," he told'the class,, "George has used his talent and brought one talent more, while Jimmy has lost the talent he had." He turned sternly to Jimmy. - "And what has become of your talent?" , "I tossed up with George, sir, and he won." '

PLUCKY.' Blonde: I wonder you're not afraid to walk out with such terribly narrow eyebrows. Brunette: Well, it does require a good deal of "pluck." t EASY. Mrs. Smith: Haven't you discovered a way to get money out of your husband? Mrs. Jones: Oh, yes! All I have to do is to threaten to go back to mother, and without a word he hands me the railway fare. HEREDITY. . "Curious thing about that chap over there," said Jones thoughtfully. "He knew something about rubber, invested his savings in the stuff, became rich within six months, and was able to marry the girl of his heart, all out of rubber, and now " "And now," echoed Brown; "they ye got a bouncing boy." THE REAL'PROBLEM. The young father stood over the baby's cot gazing at the sleeping infant. His wife saw in his face a mixture of emotion, rapture, despair, admiration, ecstasy, and doubt. Touched and wondering alike at this unusual paternal attitude and his conflicting emotions, she arose, and with glistening eyes slipped her arm through his and looked fondly into his face. "A penny for your thoughts," she said in a tremulous voice. "I don't see how they can do it," he replied. "Do what?" "Make a cot like that for £2."

PRESENCE OF MIND. The man on the bridge addressed the solitary fisherman. "Any luck?" he asked. ' "Any hick!" was the .'answer, "why. I got forty pike out of here yesterday." i "Do you know who I am?" "No." said the fisherman. "I'm the Chief Magistrate here, and this estate is mine." "And do you know who I am? asked the fisherman, quickly. "No." . ■ ' "I'm the biggest liar.in Norfolk." TOO DEAR A SHADE. Mrs. Brown was trailing her diminutive husband round the big store much against his will. After purchasing several articles she paused and looked, pensive. "Ah," she said at last. "I remember. We want a lamp shade for the drawing-room light." Presently the article she wanted caught her eye. "There's the very lamp shade I wanted!" she cried. "It's two guineas. Don't you think it will do,' John?" , He shook his head. "No," he replied miserably, "I think it's a shade too dear." MORE APPROPRIATE. She was a new maid and knew little about domestic arrangements. On her second day she was rather worried as to how she should announce dinner. She therefore decided to ask her mistress. "What shall I say, 'Dinner is ready or 'Dinner is served?'" she inquired. "Well," replied the mistress coldly, "if it is anything like your first attempt yesterday, - say 'Dinner is burnt.'" NO CHANCE. "No," said the proprietor of the wayside cafe, "I don't want any slot machines which involve gambling." ■ "That's quite right," replied the travelling salesman. "These are not gambling machines. The customer hasn't a chance.".. NOT HAVING ANY. The two bright lads met at the bar of the pub. •"Well," said the first, "I'd hardly believe how many girls there are in this town who. don't want to get married." "Now how do you know that?" asked his friend. • "Well," said the first, "I've asked eighteen of them already." , A- HINT THAT MISCARRIED. A Scotsman on a visit to a friend in London outstayed his welcome. His host thought, a hint might, have .the desired result. "Don't you think," he said "that your wife and family will want you to be with them?"

"Mon," replied the Aberdonian, "I believe you're richt. It's rale thochfu' o' you. I'll just send for them."

A GOOD REASON. The diner was seriously annoyed. "How long do I have to wait for that half-portion of duck?" he demanded. "Until somebody orders the other half," said the waiter. "We can't go out and kill half a duck!" SHE WOULD. "Remember," said the mistress to her new maid, "I expect you to be very reticent about what you hear when you are waiting at table." "Certainly, ma'am," replied Mary. Then, hopefully, "May I ask, will there be much to be reticent about?" HER NEW KAT. "I was sorry for your wife during the sermon," said one parishioner to another. "She had a terrible fit of coughing, and everybody was looking at her." , "You needn't feel sorry," said the other, dryly. "She was wearing her new hat for the first time." SPOILT PLANS. "I'm a girl who won't take a back seat for any man," said Elsie. "That completely spoils my plans for the evening," replied her boy friend. "Oh, and why?" "I was just going to ask you to come and see a film with me." IN A WORD. The two city men were talking in the train. "Why is the 'rush hour' the time when everybody on the railways seems bad-tempered?" said one. "Ah!" came the reply, "that's when travel reaches its pique!" NOT PROVIDED FOR. A man was driving a car in the country when he was 'approached by a car driven by a lady "who didn't seem to know much about the rules of the road. He did his best to avoid a collision, but she ran into' him. "Why didn't you signal what you wanted to do?" he asked. "Because there is no signal for what I wanted to do," she replied.

SAFETY FIRST. [ O'Doyle: See that notice over there, "Tourist trips over a mountain?" O'Boyle: Well, all I can say is he . should have looked where -he was going. LUCKY. "Have ye paid yer rates, Pat?" "No, an' I'm glad I haven't." "How's that." "I got a form today wot . says, 'Final Application,' so it looks as if they're givin' it up as a bad job!" MORE TROUBLE. The latest recruit had celebrated his Saturday leave by returning to barracks with two black eyes. The sergeant-major let off steam in the old-fashioned style. ; "Report to the guard-room at once!" he roared. "And while you're about it 'ang your face out, of the window as a warning to your pals as they come in." Passing the guard-room about an hour later the sergeant-major saw the recruit with his face at the window. "Anybody seen you yet," he bawled out. , "Yes," said the recruit, "the colonel has just passed." .' "And what did he have to say to you. with a face like that?" "He just said, 'Good morning,- ser-geant-major,' " replied the recruit quietly. ■ . • . CLEVER. Some golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's turn. . ! ' ■ "Well," he said, "I once drove a ball —accidentally, of course—through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught fire. "What did you do?" asked his friends. "Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim and hit the fire alarm in the High Street. And that brought out the fire brigade before any damage was done." TAKE WARNING. Little Nellie was asked the difference between the quick and the dead. "The quick are those who get out of the way in time; the dead are those who don't." CORRECT! "Where did you get all that money?" "Borrowed it from Brown." "But I thought he was pretty tight." "So he was." ■ ■ ; HARD ON THE BISHOP. A bishop decided to stay for the after-' noon in order to address the children of the Sunday .school. He had noticed many large bills announcing "the Bishop's Visitation" and began his talk by asking- the assembled children the meaning of the word "visitation." "Please, sir," replied a young urchin, "it's a plague sent by God." "SOUND" REASON. "Have you ever speculated as to why you are so popular in your neighbourhood?" "No, except that I told my neighbour that I always played the saxophone when I was lonely." CAUTION. Husband: When I returned Mr. Pettigrew's mower with the broken blade, he swore! Wife: We don't want that sort, of thing to occur again, dear. You'd better borrow from the vicar next time. SUCCESS. Tom: See that girl over there? She has just got £500 for a short love story. Jack: Why. that's a small fortune for a short story; did she sell the film rights, or something? Tom: No, she told it to a jury. OUT OF BOUNDS. Brown was reading the sports column in his favourite paper, in which the writer urgedx the claims of certain young players to be included in the next Test. "There's a lot of young cricketers knocking at the door," he quoted to his better half, as he put down the paper. "Yes," replied his long-suffering spouse. "I expect they've knocked their ball down the area again."