THE TRIP HOME

Evening Post, Volume CXXI, Issue 137, 11 June 1936, Page 24

THE TRIP HOME

TOURIST'S OPINIONS PATRONISING ENGLAND I don't know how you feel about it, but I am beginning to grow just a little weary of seeing patronising and inaccurate accounts of life, habits, and interprovincial geography of the Union as written by tourists on a flying visits, and published by magazines which ought to know better, says a ; writer in the "Cape Times." By way of a change I propose writing a tourist's impressions of England on the same line, and I hope it catches the eye of a few potential libellers of South Africa. The traveller who leaves Cape Town on a visit to Europe should not fail to spend a little time touring England, which is a small island off the coast of France. The capital of this old-world country is London, a town of considerable size and situated about eighty miles from the English beach. Southampton, where quite a large number of ocean-going steamers stop on their way to the more important European centres. London, or Londonderry as it is sometimes called, is quite famous in its quiet little way, and the main thoroughfare, Ratcliffe Highway, is as picturesque and twice as dirty as Hanover Street, Cape Town. The methodical tourist, of course, will have taken care to fit himself out with all the clothing he needed before leaving : Johannesburg, or Graaff-Rei-net, or "wherever he comes from, but should the need arise to replenish his wardrobe, there are some passably good shops in Bond Street, a drowsy little backwater in the West End or hinterland of London. In the matter of accommodation, the traveller would do well to consider putting up at the Regent; Palace Hotel; here he will find the place swarming with fellow exiles, and for all intents and purposes, he might just as well have remained in South Africa.' Most of the servants in the Regent Palace speak English. THE BUILDINGS. Although London cannot show a building to compare with the Post Office in Cape Town, there are one or two creditable, architectural attempts; notably the police station at Newington Butts, the public washhouses, Marylebone Road, and the Dogs Home, Battersea. The Tower of London, which, of course, is the official residence of the King and the Prime Minister, is also wotth a visit. On Thursdays and Saturdays by paying an extra ninepence tourists may have a shrimp tea with the Prime Minister. The theatre in London is built on quite up-to-date lines, many touring companies being engaged, sometimes for as long as two nights at a stretch. There is also a cinema which will very shortly be wired for talking pictures. Not far from London are the twin correspondence colleges, Oxford and Cambridge. Situated on the banks of the Osiris, these two schools have quite a little history. It is said that Queen Elizabeth never slept in either of the places, in itself something of a record on the part of that much-travelled Monarch; and there is also a statement made quite openly that General Smuts attended both the colleges, turn and turn about but this must be taken with some reserve.

One of the outstanding events of the school term is the annual boat race between Oxford and Cambridge. Many people, particularly parents of the children competing, line the banks of the little stream to cheer the boats to victory. Whichever side wins there is great rejoicing and 'the revels are carried on until a late hour, after which a well-earned night's repose is sought in Vine Street. . Sport plays quite a large part in the lives of these simple islanders. But the official brow frowns on anything approaching gambling. For this reason the Derby, a horse race, is run at Epsom, the idea being that if the police got to hear about it they would rush up to Derby to stop the event, and by the time they found out that Epsom was the real venue the whole thing would be over.

THE BEAUTIES. Thousands of people attend the Derby every year; civilians, soldiers, airmen,, and sailors. The latter, looking very neat in the blue uniforms, must not be confused with Epsom salts. (There is a staggeringly funny joke here if you only read that line over a dozen times or so.) One of the beauties of England is that everywhere is so close to everywhere else. This seems to be a wise move on the part of the Travel Agencies for permitting the tourist to get around the country in as short a Lime as possible. Thus, it is but a stone's throw from Epsom to Ewell, supposing anybody ever wanted to. go there. As nobody ever does, the visitor might just as well turn his attention to a survey of the watering places, or seaside resorts, as the English term the coast. It is here that the stranger finds the unrestrained Britisher at his best. From early morning until late at night there is constant activity; municipal authorities vie with each other in catering for the exodus of the townsmen, so that the old and the young, the weak and the strong, the hale and the infirm all find something with which to amuse themselves and at the same time enhancing the tourist value of the resort. To the South African, used to the Monastic Monotony of Muizenberg, such exuberance may appear to border on the vulgar, but it must be borne in mind that the English have a quaint idea that children are only young once, and with that belief in mind hold that a holiday at the seaside should contain as much mental refreshment as physical. How truly comical these foreigners are, to be sure. In the matter of food South Africans will find much to marvel at. The national dish is roast beef, but what beef! Instead of the beautiful, lean boot-upper with the laces still attached that adorns so many tables in the Union, the English beef is served in a golden-brown condition with the fat actually adhering to the flesh! When cut the natural circulating fluids of the animal may be seen to escape from under the knife, and the natives positively give this to their young! TRIALS OF TRAVEL. Vegetables, of a kind, are served with this so-called beef. Potatoes that are more like balls of flour than anything else, and cabbage without a particle of water in it. How the South African sighs for the gorgeous little marbles of wax, each with its full quota of "eyes," and the luscious sloppy, brown duckweed that go to make the potatoes and cabbages of his own land! But there are the trials of travel and they must be borne if we are to see how "the other half" lives. Prohibition has never been introduced into England, but facilities for procuring strong drink are not encouraged: to which end the law forbids public houses to serve intoxicating liquor between certain hours. The wisdom of this measure can be readily realised by anyone who has watched

a bar full of thirsty toilers drinking against the clock in order to catch up with the "closed" hours. There are two indulgences that will never be made unpopular by legislation, and drinking is one of them, only nobody could ever convince a politician of this. London will probably be the headquarters of the majority of visitors, and among the sights that should not be missed is the changing of the guard at Waterloo, the seat of military and naval control. The guard is composed of a blank file of Roughriders, all of whom wear brass breast plates and white gloves. . For the traveller with plenty of time to spare, two days can be very pleasantly occupied in seeing London, but for those who are in a hurry this guide should be all-sufficing. A picture gallery is a picture gallery wherever you go, and to journey six thousand weary miles merely to gaze at a lot of mouldy old portraits is something this writer has his own opinion about. 1 For the rest, souvenirs of England can be bought very cheaply at such places as Madeira, Las Palmas, and Cape Town; all ports of call between the two countries. Having made the voyage the true Afrikander should remember ever afterwards to drag into all and every conversation a few references to his "Trip Home."