Page 30 Advertisements Column 2

Evening Post, Volume CXX, Issue 144, 14 December 1935, Page 30

I Wit and Humour | I Said He: Your slightest wish shall ATTRACTIVE. bGTh le yy lot married. And, by gosh! do 'H a J?*% inly attl' aCtS the men> lie was -lgln. .. Yes> HeJ , father , s a steel magnate ... A former telegraph messenger is said to be shaping well as a bowler. TWO-MAN JOB. Will he be known for his slow dcliv . He was, in fact; the absent-minded erltb- ' professor, and he was strap-hanging in „„, . : — „ a tram. The other arm clasped hah' There is an opening,' says a manu- a dozen bundles. He swayed to and facturer, for a new summer drink."— fro. Slowly his face took on a look of Yes, just above the chin. apprehension. , "Can I help you, sir?" asked the con"There are certain infallible methods ductor. of reducing weight," says an expert. "Yes," said the professor, with relief. Our grocer knows all of them. "Hold on to this strap while I get my fare out." Mrs. Brown: This suit is very shabby .dear. Shall I send it to the jumble sale? CANNY. Mr. Brown: Goodness, no! That's A Scotsman's love letter-—"Darlin' the, one I wear when I go to protest Maggie,—l worship the ground you against my income-tax assessment. walk on. I like to see you walk it shows yer thrifty an' savin. The last Conductor: Did you get home all time ye dyed yer. dress it looked right last night, sir? smarter than ever—next year it would Passenger: Of course. Why do you !°°k fine turned outside in. Yer hat's ask? a picter—it's pretty enough to last a Conductor: Well, when you got up lifetime. There's naething that I wadna and gave the lady your seat last night dae for you, darlin'. If it wasna' for you were the. only two in the car. the expense of the funeral, I'd lay me ' — doon and die for ye."—Sandy McThe negro preacher had successfully Gregor. concealed the fact that he had serve-! a term in prison, but years of upright -m-pa-dtv nTT«r™,^living had not destroyed his ear of NEARLY QUALIFIED, exposure. : "Why don't you call me donkey and One Sunday, on rising to begin his have done with it? You've hinted at it sermon, his heart sank on seeing in one long enough," he snarled out. of, the front pews a former cell mate. "It wouldn't be quite tnue," she, reQuick thinking was necessary. He plied. fixed liis eye on the stranger and dcliv- "I suppose not. I suppose I haven't er™, himself slowly and impressively: ears enough for that animal," he reAh takes mah text dis mo'mn from torted sarcastically. *L<fl£l°c as ter an>/e fo' hun- "Oh, yes, you have," she returned idreth varse ob de gospel, which say: sweetly. "You don't need any more 'Dem as sees me an knows me an' ears" says nothin' dem will Ah reward "What do I need, then?" later. "More legs." . KeproOuced by Permission of the Propricton of "Punch." Halloo, Captin. Last year I not talk you, but now I speke large Englishes as I am passed so far from bottom of clas in schole of English in Axim, my home of town." Once a year the newsboys of a cer- HIS TRYING TIME' me" ta^TtVn Otlem^ Uo? gt^ «cir UMs^nf ey ~» b*to -^jSJIS^fS thfwa?e e r Sn^se^df X ain't you dirty!" ° "Yes," replied Bill. "I missed the train last year." REGULAR REMINDERS. "I don't suppose you've heard any The shoe dealer was engaging an as- Sa^voiX^"^™^ 0! y °"r W^? corner % W^SffiaT sldly! one of my feet is bigger than the mgm ever smceother?'- What would you say?" "I should say, 'On the contrary, TWTr ottttj r A-vnr madam, one is smaller than the other.' " T ™E SK. IN GAME"The job is yours." Jones had a noisy dog, and arrived at the vet's for the usual beauty treatment for the animal. The vicar had a truculent woman "I want him plucked as before," he parishioner, noted for her fondness for exclaimed, "and while you are removginv One day she went to church, hie- ing his hair would it be possible, to coughing with a painful distinctness, strip him of his bark?" The parson bore it for a few moments, then, looking at the verger, he exclaim- ' . ed: "Jones, kindly remove that person THAT JADE FORTUNE, from the building." ■ It was an ideal day for golf. The Jones rose reluctantly to obey. The members had turned up in large numcongregation held its breath, expecting bers tt at the club. Smith had turned a scene, but to their relief the woman up among them rose and left without a murmur. After "Hallo! I thought you said you the service the vicar congratulated the wouldn't be able to turn up today" man on the. tactful way he had remov-- said one of his friends, ed the culprit. . "it was a near thing, my boy," he 'How did you manage it?" he asked, replied, ."I tossed up to see whether 'Well, sir, said the verger, "I just I should take the wife out or come went to her and whispered, 'Come on, here, and, believe me, it took five spins ma; come put and have one wi' me.'" before it would come right." NOT LIKELY. The Irishman was relating his ad- HIS FANCY, ventures in the jungle. Uladys was very fond of flowers, and "Ammunition, food, and whisky had had persuaded her young man to acrun out," he said, "and we were company her to the local flower show, parched with thirst." • "By the way," she said, when they "But wasn't there any water?" were on their way and she had given "Sure, but it was no time to be a recital of the various . flowers she thinking of cleanliness." liked, "what is your favourite flower, Arthur?" j ONE ALL Arthur was nonplussed for a moment, i Maid- I'm snrrv hut tho t ,„.,„ "2 r hls knowledge of botany was one :totellvaiitha^Pknnt=tw, o£ his weak Points- "Oh." h« replied I Cal c?- Oh that'f all rilht Wtll aJ length' as hght dawned upon him, \heXfiTm^dldm^ Sck JUSt teU d t e har." fl°Ur bread With> W

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