Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXX, Issue 132, 30 November 1935, Page 26

Wit and Humour

WHY THEY SCORE. "Cricketers are born, not made." "Runs in the family?" HELPFUL HINT. How to cure toothache: Ring the dentist's door bell. THEORY. Child: The sea's going further away. Mummy. Has someone pulled the plug out? ON HIS OWN AUTHORITY. "He's a man of few words, isn't he?" "Yes— so he was telling me all this morning." HAPPY! Father: The last of my daughters was married yesterday. Friend: Really? Who was the happy man? Father: I was. A LITTLE LEARNING. Willie: Please, teacher, what did I learn today? Teacher: What a strange question. Willie: Well, they'll ask me when I go home. SECRETIVE. "Money talks, I tell you." "Yes, but it never gives itself away." ELEMENTARY. A detective says that fat men are difficult to shadow. Perhaps because they always look round. HE WONDERED. Visitor: Do you know who I am, my little man? Four-year-old: Don't you know who you are? HADN'T THOUGHT OF THAT. "In.our chemistry class we are looking for a universal solvent." "What's that?" "A liquid that will dissolve anything." "That's a great idea. When you find it, what are you going to keep it in?"

POPPING THE QUESTION. Modern Wooer: I say, old thing, may I attend your wedding? She: Why, I'm not even engaged. "Oh, as bridegroom, I mean." ADDED TO. "Jones, how many bones have you in your body?" "I don't know, sir." "But you. were told yesterday." "Yes,. sir. But I had kippers for breakfast this morning." THAT WAS DIFFERENT. The dear old lady smiled at the little girl who had been left in sole charge of the confectioner's shop. "And don't you feel tempted to eat one of the cream buns, my dear?" she asked. The little girl was quite shocked. "Oh, dear no!" she replied. "That would be stealing. I only lick them." : ; REALISM. "Our scenic artist made a magnificent job. of the boating scene," observed the amateur actor; "in fact, the sea was so realistic that our heroine turned quite sick at.the first performance." "That's interesting," responded the listener. "I had a similar experience as a member of the audience. I turned quite sick at the first performance." SETTLED. "That deaf and dumb couple on the third floor had a terrible row last night, but my husband went up and put a stop to it." "What did he do?" "He put out the lights!"' COMPACT. Jones and his wife arrived at the seaside boarding-house and were met by the landlady, who showed them to their room. "But," said Jones, gazing vacantly round, you advertised a bed-sitting-room." "That's right," said the landlady, "this is it." Jones looked puzzled. "Well," he said, a little puzzled, "I can see the bed, but Where's the sit-ting-room?" "On the bed," the landlady replied. GOOD THIRSTS. It was a sultry day, and the two sailors had just been relased from a hot spell of duty aboard. , Immediately they reached shore they ! made a bee-line for the first public house they saw, and one of them ordered two quarts of ale. The men emptied their tankards in one draught, while the barmaid looked on in undisguised admiration. The man who had paid stood a second or two wetting his lips meditatively, and then turned to his comrade with a grin. " 'Taint so bad Bill, is it?" he remarked. "Shall we 'aye some?" UNDER SUSPICION. Many things had mysteriously disappeared from the works. Finally, the boss sent for his foreman. "Look here, Pat," he said, "if you find anything else has vanished, stop the men as they leave at night and search them." A week later the boss was walking across the yard as the "leaving-oft" hooter was sounding. Coming to the gate, he saw that Pat had lined up all the men. "Now, then, ye spalpeens,"' the Irishman was saying, "take of! your coats." "What's missing, Pat?" asked the boss. ■ "A wheelbarrow," came the reply.

RECOLLECTIONS. Radio comedians who laugh at their own jokes probably are thinking how tickled they were the flrst time they heard them. BREAKING THE FALL. She: We must have some softwood floors put mi dear. He: What for? She: Cook has broken another dish. THE SIGNS. "Are they in love?" "They must be. She listens to him describing a game of cricket, and he listens to her telling how her cousin's new dress was made." NOT EVERYBODY. "Everybody seems to want to fight the heavyweight champion." "He can leave me out." REAL ECONOMY. There wasn't a bit of firewood in the flat. And she gave a cocktail party, so that she could have the cherry sticks to light a fire with. THE ANGLER'S FAREWELL. So long! RAPID. "When is the next train?" "It's just gone." TOLERANT. She (to him): I admit there are two sides to every question—mine and mother's. . ■ DIFFERENT. Before they were married he whispered to her: "If I were drowning in the middle of the Atlantic—going down for the third time —you would be the last person I'd think of." It made her feel very happy. After they had been married several years he made the same remark. It didn't seem to have the same meaning then. Besides, she didn't like the way I he said it. So she hit him with a plate.

THE EEASON. "Do you mean to say that you've had the same cook for a year?" "Yes, we went for a long- cruise on our yacht, and she couldn't swim." MISUNDERSTOOD. Small Boy (reading paper): Do you have to have a licence for a bicycle now, dad? Dad: No. Why? Small Boy: Well, it says here a man was fined for peddling without a licence. INVITED. "Congratulate me, Hilda," announced Molly, entering her sister's room. "Bob has asked me to marry him." _ 'Pooh! That's nothing," snorted her sister. "I've been asked to get married at least a dozen times." "Yes, and I know who asked you." retorted Molly. "Oh! Then name them." "Mother and father." USUAL LUCK. A suburbanite saw his neighbour coming along the road with his fishing tackle. "Catph anything, old boy!" he eagerly asked. . "Yes, two," said his neighbour, but in surprisingly doleful tones. Good!"^said the suburbanite. "What p a 3h^ 7- 30, there and the 5-15 ba<*>" came the unhappy angler's reply. THE ORDER. The blackmailer's accomplice had succeeded in getting the victim to fall to her, and the crook had managed to take some photographs of them kissGoing into the office of his victim, ?i? j 7 half a dozen Photographs on the desk, and said: "I've learned that youve been making love to my wife and here are the proofs. What about The other looked admiringly through the pile pf photographs, then, turning to the blackmailer, said: "I say they are good- I'll have two enlargements of each!" A DOUBLE MEANING. The boxer entered the fur department of a large store, and fixed the i assistant with an eye that showed he was one who stood no nonsense. 'I want a set of furs," he said. "A present for a friend." i "Yes, sir," replied the assistant; "any special kind?" "The dark brown set in the window looks the sort of thing I want. It mustn t be too expensive, though." The assistant followed his gaze. "Oh " he exclaimed, "you mean skunk!" And when he woke up he found himself in hospital. BUSINESS BRISK. . "Just leave it to me. It's perfectly simple. I'll fix it up before you can say 'Jack Robinson.'" , ; Everyone knows the man who talks like this whenever a small household task wants doing—such as mending a burst pipe or putting up a shelf. Robinson was like that, and when a stone came through one of the windowpanes he said he felt it would be extravagance to call in the glazier. "I'll do it myself." he announced. He took the measurements and went to buy the glass. "Quite a simple job." said the shopkeeper. "You just pull out the old glass, fit in the new. fill in with putty, and there you are."' An hour later Robinson presented himself once more at the shop. The proprietor greeted him with an air of bright efficiency. "Same size again, sir, I suppose?" he inquired. t

TABLES OF MEASURE. Two nips make one glass. Two glasses make one pint. Two pints make one talkative. "WELL DESIGNED." "Ho! Been to a fancy dress ball as a burglar! Well, you can tell that talc to the Magistrate in, the morning." "B-b-but. I am the Magistrate!" "ENGLISH" IN AMERICA. Teacher: John Henry, your work has fallen down; and if you are going to pick it up, you'll have to step on it. ' THE IDEAL. . A man often spends many years looking for the ideal woman. And in the r^antime, says a cynic, he gets married. DEAD SHOT. The teacher was reading an essay which one of the boys had written oil "Adventures in the Jungle." Presently she read out the following sentence: "I stood terrified for a moment, then took aim, and shot the mosquito through the heart." CLEAR. . "But if I put my money in the Say- *? gs B<,? nk when can l draw some of it out?" inquired Flaherty. "Well, it's like this," explained Murphy. "If you put a pound in today, you can withdraw it tomorrow by giving four days' notice." PROOF. To a tramp who wanted to earn a bite to eat a woman said: — "If I thought you were honest, I'd let you go to the chicken house and gather the eggs." ■ "Lady," he replied with dignity, "I was manager at a swimming baths for fifteen years and never took.a bath." NATURAL CAUSES. "I made a blunder today," said a young doctor to his wife. "What was it?" said wifie, anxiously I absent-mindedly signed my name on a death certificate in the space marked 'Cause of death.'" COMMON SENSE. Wigley: Have you ever noticed whenever there's a railway smash it's mostly the first or last coach that gets all the damage? Wagley: Yes. Why don't they use a bit of common sense and leave them Off? TO MATCH. "Aren't some of the hats women wear absurd?" "Yes," replied Miss Cayenne; "and yet when some people put them on they do look so appropriate." SUGGESTION. With reference to the next peace prize, perhaps it would be a good idea to award it to the man who finds any symptoms of peace. BY COMPARISON. "I wonder the landlord doesn't do something to repair this deplorable block of flats." "Well, he was going to do something about it until he went on a tour to Naples and saw the ruins of Pompeii. Now he thinks this isn't too bad." GET THE SHINGUARDS. "Shall we have a friendly game of cards?" "No, let's play bridge." BEING PREPARED. Sandy began to fumble in his pocket. "That's all right, sir," said the dentist, "you don't need to pay me in advance." Sandy sniffed. "I'm no going to," he replied, "I'm only counting ma siller before you gi'e me the gas." FOOLISH. Magistrate (looking at very small prisoner): What is the charge? Six-foot constable; Attempted suicide. Magistrate: Indeed? What did he do? Six-foot constable: He wanted to fight me. . JUST FOR FUN. A patient in a hospital, who was seriously ill, requested a nurse to write to his wife for him, but did not seem to know exactly what he wanted to say. "Shall I start with 'My dear wife'?" asked the nurse. "Yes," replied the man. "You can put that down —it'll make her laugh, anyway." EXAGGERATION. A Jew had married a wealthy widow, and a few weeks after the ceremony a friend met him. , "Congratulations on your wedding," he said. "I hear it was worth about eighty thousand pounds to you." "People will exaggerate so," said the Jew, testily. "Vy, I had to pay three guineas for the ring." HE KNEW. Manager (to clerk): Jones, you might telephone my wife right away and tell her that as I am working late I won't be home in time for dinner. "Very good, sir. Shall I tell her anything else?" "You won't have a chance of saying anything else." THE DISTINCTION. A stranger in an out-of-the-way Yorkshire village engaged a seat in a horsedrawn vehicle to take him to the nearest station. Asked if he required a first, second, or third-class ticket, he said he'd take first, but was very mystified at the request. For about a mile the journey was over level ground. Then a steep hill loomed in view. At the foot the driver pulled up and turned to the passengers. "First-class passengers sit still; second class get out and walk; third class get out and push," he instructed them. HOW HE READ IT. ' An old gentleman was being shown round an antique shop by a new assistant. The proprietor was out. "This chair," said the youth importantly, pausing before a very old piece of furniture', "belongs to the period of Louis Cross-Eye." The prospective customer looked puzzled. "Louis Cross-Eye," he repeated. "I've never heard of such a person." "Well, that's how the label describes it," said the assistant; and he handed him a card bearing the words "Period of Louis XI." ALL WENT THE SAME WAY. MacTavish called his friend Sandy on the telephone. "What's detaining ye, mon?" he asked. "Aren't you coming to the birthday party?" "Weel," came Sandy's voice over the wire, "I dinna think it wise, Mac." "What's wrong, mon?" asked the other. "Weel, we've got a case of laryngitis in the house," explained Sandy. "Bring it along to us, then," said MacTavish. "You know we can drink anything here." WELL AND TRULY. Surrounded by members of the Corporation, the Mayor, in his robes and chain of office, stepped forward to open the new golf course. He took a mighty swipe with a driver, which he buried in the earth a foot behind the ball, smashing the club-head, and dislodging a large piece of turf. Then, in solemn tones, he said: "Gentlemen, I declare these links well and truly opened." WELLY GOOD. | A guest at a banquet took pains to make himself agreeable to a Chinese sitting next to him. Somewhat at a loss for small talk he ventured, after the first course, to inquire, "Likee soupee?" There was no reply except a genial beam. After the next course he followed up bis first opening with "Likee fishee?" This evoked a still more genial beam. Later in the evening the visitor from the Far East responded to a toast in perfect English. On resuming his seat he asked his discomfited neighbour, "Likee speechee?" .j