Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXX, Issue 6, 6 July 1935, Page 24

Wit and Humour

A traveller claims that he has found the world's largest palm. We fancy we know the hotel porter he's referring to. She was engaging a new maid, and by way of recommendation . rather than explanation said, "We're Welsh, you know." "Oh, that's quite all right," said the applicant reassuringly. "I was once with a Chinese couple!" . A professor says his experiments show that men actually talk faster than women. It's one thing to talk fast, however, and another thing to make yourself heard. Tourist: I'm a pretty good judge of ages. I should say you're not a day over eighty. Yokel: Good guess, sir. Wot about a pint for me birthday? Is there a word in the English language that contains all the vowels? Unquestionably. What is it? I just told you. Murphy: What's that in your pocket? Pat (in whisper): Dynamite. I'm waiting for Casey. Every time he meets me he slaps me on the chest and breaks me pipe. Next time he does it he'll blow his hand off. Jack was sending his wife off for a holiday. "Would you like any fiction to read while you're away, darling?" "No, thanks, dear," replied his wife. "You'll be sending me some letters!" Lady Customer (irritably): Why is it I never get what I ask for ,in this shop? , ..'.•• ' . Assistant: P'raps it's because we!re too polite, ma'am. , •

"Ever had a motor mishap?" "Well, I met my wife in a garage." "I'm not sure I quite understand those knee-action wheels." "Why, it's like this—the wheels give. So if you run over a pedestrian, .you hardly feel it." "I cannot understand why you permit your daughter to sue me for breach of promise. You remember that you were bitterly opposed to .our engagement, because I wasn't good enough for her and would disgrace your family." .■ , . "Young man, that was sentiment; this is business." He was very absent-minded. He went for a shave. After the operation he continued to occupy the chair; and the barber, thinking he had dozed off, said: "Asleep, sir?" The man started. "Bless "me/ no! I'm not asleep, but I'm terribly short-sighted. When I took off my glasses I was no longer able to see myself in the mirror opposite, and I supposed I had already gone home." i In a quiet country town a commercial traveller entered the general store. Going through to the parlour at the back, he came upon the proprietor and a friend engaged in a game of chess. "Mr. Slocum," he said, "d'you know" there are two customers in the shop?" Slocum did not even raise his eyes from the board. He merefly nodded his head and' whispered, "That's all right. Keep quiet and they'll go away again." During the celebration of her employer's golden wedding anniversary, a negro servant who had "been with the family about 40 years added her own felicitations to those that had come by wire, telephone, letter, and by personal call. The opportunity came while she was assisting in the preparation of the anniversary, dinner, when »she said: "Well, all I has got to say is dat dey sho' has foughti a good fight." An Englishman sitting outside a cafe in a Continental city, remarked casually to a companion: "In my opinion, the Emperor is a hopeless idiot." There happened to be within hearing distance a native detective, who immediately addressed the Englishman thus: Sir, I arrest you for lese majeste. You said that the Emperor is a hopeless idiot!" "My dear fellow," said the Englishman, "I didn't mean your Emperor! There are other Emperors in the world, surely?" "That may be," replied the detective, i "but ours is the only one who is a hopeless idiot." 1

"Hullo, Mr. Jones. I was sorry to hear your car came a cropper up Glossop Road. What was it —loose tire?" Jones: No, old man—tight chauffeur! "I generally have an argument with my husband once a week. Do you?" "Oh, no. Richard is paid monthly." "Waiter, these are very small oysters." "Yes, sir." "And they don't appear to be very fresh." "Then it's lucky they're small, ain't it, sir?" "I know a man who looks so much like you that one could hardly tell you apart." "You haven't paid him that pound I lent you three months ago, have you?" Manager: Have you seen the cashier this morning? Clerk: Yes, he came in without a moustache, and borrowed the railway time-table. The superior young person had been shown to his room in the hotel. "So this is for me!" he grumbled. "Rather like a prison, don't you think?" "Well, it's just a matter of what one is used to, sir,'? replied the manager. \ Mother: What! You've been fighting with Billy Briggs? I thought he was a peacable child. He had such a nice face, too. Freddie: Well; he hasn't now. He: Do you believe kissing is unhealthy? '. : '■■'.■;■ She: I couldn't say—l've never .... He: You've never been kissed? 1 •. She: .I've never been sick.

> There is danger in carrying a courtesy too far, if you believe the following: On a street-car a man gave a woman a seat. She fainted. On recovering she thanked him. Then he fainted. "I think the best thing you can 'do is to return home to your wife," said the Magistrate to a distraught little man. * ' "And what is the second best thing?" asked the man, anxiously. "Have you broken off your engagement?" / "Yes. He said he was a bookmaker, and now it turns out he is merely an author." . "What do you think of that girl who just sang? She's'my eldest daughter, and she got her voice from me." "You're jolly lucky to have got rid of it." , Dear old lady (to booking clerk): I don't know if it's Aberstynthy or Aberstrythly I want, but my sister, who liyes there, will be on the platform to meet me. Dressed up in his best suit, Tom was taking his usual morning walk when he met a friend. ' ■ , ■ "Hello!" said the latter. "You look smart today, but what are you pushing the wheelbarrow^ for?" "Oh," was the reply, "since my old dog died, I feel so daft walking about by myself." , Teacher was taking her class of young pupils in astronomy. The moon was the subject. "Now," she said, "some people believe that there are fifty million people on the moon " She paused as a titter of laughter reached her ears. "William," she1 snapped at one' of the boys, "what are you- laughing ;"I was thinking, teacher, what a squeeze it must be up there when there's only a quarter moon." The boxer entered the fur department of a large store and fixed, the assistant with an eye that showed, he was one who stood no nonsense. "I want a set of furs," he said. "A present for a friend." "Yes, sir," replied the assistant. "Any special kind?" The man of muscle glanced about him. "That dark brown set in the window looks the sort of thing I want. It musn't be too expensive, though." The assistant followed his gaze. "Oh," he exclaimed, "you mean skunk." And when he woke up he found himself in hospital.

=ji "What's the best thing you've ever got on your set?" \ "Fifteen shillings at the pawnshop." "I hope my visits are not disagreeable?" "No," said the invalid. ."However gloomy I am when you come, I'm always happy when you go." "I took up this game," the hopeless j novice said apologetically to his caddie, i 'merely to practise self-control." 3 "You ought to have gone in for I t 0 caddying, sir." )S- ---'" Bobbie: My father plays a longlf" stringed instrument. Billy: What is he? Bobbie: He"s the bellringer at the th church. ■?»> ________ "You were very kind to lend me that pound note. I feel I can never y~ repay you." "Eh? Why on earth didn't you say . that at first?" it "I hear that Jenkins and his wife had a row over the kind of car they should buy; he wanted an open one *h and she a closed one. Anyhow, the ;ii incident is now closed." "So is the car—l saw her in it this I morning." "I've found the meanest man on er earth. He's deaf—and he's never let his barber know." >y A burglar who broke into a jeweller's shop stole nothing but a'wedding ring. Looks like he'll have that on :n his conscience for the rest of his life. <3; Hawker: Could you give a poor fel- ?" low a bite, sir? at Householder: I don't bite myself, but n- I'll call the dog. "Did the patent medicine you pur- '£ chased cure your- aunt?" as "Mercy, no. On reading the circular :e that was wrapped round the bottle she got two more diseases." _ "I want a shave," said the disgruntled sergeant as he climbed into the barber's chair. "No haircut, no ' shampoo, no rum, witchhazel, hair tonic, hot towels, or face massage. I don't want the manicurist to hold my - hand nor the bootblack to handle my feet. I don't want to be brushed off, and I'll put on my coat myself. I just want a plain shave, with no trimmings. Understand that?" "Yes, sir," said the barber quietly. "Lather, sir?" NO TATTLETALE. Mistress: Marie, when you wait table tonight for my guests, please don't spill anything. Maid: Don't you worry, ma'am; I'm very tight-mouthed. REVENGE. Jones: Your office sent me a copk last week. Employment Office Manager: Yes, that's right. Jones: Well, it will give me the greatest pleasure if you will dine with me tonight. THE NEW.DEAL. Two little American boys were talking about the President. One of them said: "My father thinks he has done a lot of good." The other boy replied: "Oh, I don't know; he hasn't closed the schools yet." THE NEXT TIME. Driving down Dublin's main thoroughfare, O'Connell Street (formerly Sackville Street), a motorist passed the, traffic constable by the bridge on the wrong side. Recalling him, the policeman asked: "Phwat for did ye not go aro3nd me?" The motorist said he was very sorry, but he had not noticed the officer was there. "Well, now," the constable warned him, ■ "just remember next time. Ye are to go around me, whether I'm here or not!" ONCE TOO OFTEN. A mechanic who worked for a weekly wage was overpaid! ten shillings. The pay clerk discovered the mistake, but, like the workman, said nothing t- about it. r. The following Saturday found the a workman's wages short of 10s. Indig- :- nantly he marched back to the office, c "Here," he said, "you've made a mistake. My pay is 10s short." "When I paid you 10s too much last week," o said the clerk, "you didn't say anything _( about it, did you?" "Well, that was just one mistake," replied the mechanic. "When you make two mistakes I reckon it is time for me to begin complain." FASHION NOTES. "The bachelor has his car," observes a novelist; "the married man has his wife." Yes, but a car's changes of gear don't cost anything. A famous beauty specialist says that not one woman in ten could pass a beauty test. As a result, not one, woman in ten can pass a beauty parlour. THEATRICAL NOTE. A school inspector was examining a class in divinity. "Now, Tommy," he said* "why did Joseph's brothers put him in the pit?" "Because he had a coat of many colours," replied the boy. "Yes, but what has that to do with his being put in the pit?" "Well," hazarded the boy, "if he'd had a dress suit on they might have put him in the stalls." CHEEK. A large store received a letter from a country customer ordering a razor: "Please find enclosed 15 shillings for one of your famous razors as advertised, and oblige,—William Mayhew. "P.S.: I forgot to enclose the 15 shillings, but no doubt a firm of your high standing will forward the razor to me." The firm received the letter and replied:— "Dear Sir,—Your valued order received yesterday, and we have much pleasure in forwarding one of our famous razors as ordered.—Yours faithfully. Takedown and Co. "P.S.:We forgot to enclose the razor, ■but no doubt a man with your cheek will have no need for it." MONEY IN POLITICS. The pompous U.S.A.- Judge1 glared sternly ■ over his spectacles at the tattered prisoner who had been dragged before the Bar of justice on a charge of vagrancy. "Have you ever earned a dollar in your life?" he asked in scorn. "Yes, your Honour," was the response. "I voted for you at the last election." FEMININE REMEDY. The following conversation took place between a medical man and a patient:— "Do you know you've been going about with a bone broken? Why didn't you come to me before?" "Well, doctor, every time I say something is wrong with me my wife makes me stop smoking." REPERCUSSION. An American charged in Kentucky with being drunk pleaded "I wasn't loaded, your Honour." "Discharged," exploded the Court. The report was in the papers. FOR THE DEFENCE. , The court was silent, except for the clear-cut tones of defending counsel. Everyone hung on his'words, and many thought that he would easily win his case. "And now, gentlemen of the jury," he began to wind up, "I ask you— where could the prisoner have hidden the watch? Not in his pocket. The constable has already told you that the man was searched. Not in his shoes —the watch was too large. Then where was it hidden?" He paused dramatically for effect; during the pause the prisoner ventured: — "Please, sir, I put it under my 'at." HOPE. Her father: I do hope you appreciate that in marrying my daughter you are getting a very big-hearted and generous girl. Young man: I do, sir. And I hope