Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXIX, Issue 98, 27 April 1935, Page 24

Wit and Humour

Mother: I bope ray little boy lias been as pood as gold all day. . Nurse: No. He went off the gold standard about teatime. "Almost every man can find -work if he uses his brains," asserted the man who had travelled a good deal—"that is, if he has the ability to adapt himself like the piano-tuner I once met iv the West of America. " 'Why,' I said to him, for we were in a wild, unsettled country, 'surely piano tuning can't be very lucrative here. I shouldn't imagine that pianos were very plentiful in this region.' " 'No, they're not,' said the piano-tuner, 'but I make a pretty fair income by tightening up barbed wire fences.'" Mabel was called into the study of an I irate parent, and taken severely to task. "Look here, you've been telling me falsehoods. I permitted. that young cub, Jackson, to pay his attentions to you be,cause you' assured me he was worth a thousand a year. Now, after he's been wasting my light, smoking my cigars, and wearing out my furniture, I find he s getting a beggarly two hundred. What do you mean by it?" "But, you see, daddy, they won t pay him what he's worth." A famous scientist, who was small of stature, was being introduced to some men at bis club. One very tall man, who fancied himself as a wit, was endeavouring to be funny at the other people's expense. "Ah,"- he said, patronisingly, bending down as i£ he had a trouble to see the small scientist, "I have often heard of you, but I've never seen you before." "Indeed!" flashed the other, promptly. "Well, sir, I've often seen you, but I've never heard of you."

Teacher was instructing the infant class in the story of Lot's flight, aud said:—, "Lot was warned to take his wife arid daughter and ilee out of the city, which was about to be destroyed.' Lot aud his wife got safely away. Now, has any child a question to ask?" Tommy: "Please, teacher, what happened to the flea?" Hayseed had bought au ancient motorcar at an auction sale. After a great deal of argument he managed to persuade hia neighbour to accompany him on a joy ruu. They started off very well, but after descending a steep hill, the car gathered much more speed, aird the passenger began to get anxious. ■ "Hayseed," he cried, "I'll give ye a fi'pun note if yell stop and let me out." The other swung the vehicle round a sharp bend. 'I'll gie ye a tenner," he replied, "if yell tell me how to." LONG DISTANCE. The chief salesman of a certain firm had a very loud voice. One morning when the manager arrived at the office he heard a terrible noise coining from the sidesman's office. "Who is that shouting?" asked the manager. "That's Mr. Hill talking to Edinburgh," replied the secretary. ■ • . "Then tell him to use the telephone.' - NEAR ENOUGH. "You have no idea," said the proud, mother, "how clover Freddie is at school. Fred, come here and tell uncle what three and three make." "l<"ive," said Fred. . "There! You see?" exclaimed mother. "Only one put!" LIMITED TIME.. A man rushed into a public-house. "I've got a tremendous thirst," he said hoarsely. "Have you any ale?" ■ "Yes, sir; pale?" he was asked. "No, I'll have a glass," he said. "I don't think I can manage a pail. Ive got to catch a train in three minutes. ; WHAT? She: Oh, Hector, I love you so. So what? READY TO OBLIGE. Diner (examining menu): There's nothing that attracts me on this menu—absolutely nothing! Bring me the manager. Waiter (under notice): How would you like him, fried or grilled? . ■ SAFE. ■ ' Mr. and Mrs..Jenkins were living on a new housing estate, but had not quite settled down. One night they went down town to the pictures; Half-way through the wife, turning suddenly to her. husband, said excitedly: "Oh, Harold! I've forgotten to turn off *he electric iron." "Don't worry," replied he. "I forgot 10 turn off the shower bath."

A SIMPLE SIMON. A man and his wife went hiking. In a lonely spot they paused for refreshment. . "Did you bring the primus stover asked the wife. "Na.iv," replied the man, _ I brow t no stove. I browt the gas-ring." THE CURE. "Thiy doctor has ordered her to take a holiday. Now they're having a consultation." "Of doctors?" "No, of dressmakers. THERE ARE OTHERS. "Is your husband a book-worm, Mrs. B.f ; "Oh, no—just an ordinary one!" FOR THIS RELIEF ? "Do you like children very much, then, Mrs. Browne?" "Oh, rather—l mean, they make the house seem so calm .and peaceful when theyVe gone to bed!" OMITTED. "Can I be punished for something I haven't done), papa?" "Why, no, my child, of course not." "Well, then—l haven't done my homework." COWARD. "I've found the meanest man on earth." "Who? What did be do?" "He's deaf—and he's never let his barber know." A "SIMPLE" EXPLANATION. Mutt: Have you heard about Banks? He's got water on the brain. MMt: How did he get that? Mutt: From a tap on the head, probably. I

BAD ADVICE. .At a party a little girl was asked whether she would have a second helping of ice cream. ••■ "Well," she said, "mother told me to say'No, thank you,' but I don't think she knew how small the helpings were going to be." PREPARATION. "Daddy, I -want to be an Arctic explorer." "That's fine, my boy." "But, daddy, I want to go into training at once. I want sixpence a day for ice cream so. that I can get used to the cold." UNLUCKY. 1 Wife (to grumbling husband): What a funnyman you are. If ever I happen to leave one stone in a raisin'pudding you're sure to get it, but you go in for lots of sweepstakes and nevor get anything. I WILL. First Author: You see that novelist on the other side of the road? He gets paid a shilling a word. Second Author: That's nothing. I know a chap who got £10,000 and a wife for two words. . PROBABLY NOT. "Do you think ■ it's good luck for a jockey to find, a horseshoe just before a race?" , ' ' ■, ,■ "Not when it's off the, horse lie s I riding." , ■ MORE WAR RECORDS. "Every time I have an argumeut with my girl friend I enter it in a small diary. "Oh, I sec. You keep a scrap book! A PASSER-BY. Manager: Deliver this message for me, and I believe you.pass the football ground on your way? Office Boy (hopefully): Yesi sir. Mauager: Well, pass it. QUITE CANDID. Modern Youns Man (after kissing a modern girl): I'll be perfectly frank with you. You're not the first girl I've kissed by a' long shot!- , 'Modern Young Girl: And I'll be equally frank with you. You've got a great deal to learn, everi at that!- . KEEPING IN FORM. Mrs. Henpeck: Did you miss me much while I was. away? . Mr. Henpeck: Er, no, dear. I went to a lecture,every night. CATTY. Bertie: I fell off my cycle yesterday and was knocked senseless. . Gladys: And when do you expect to get better? . QUITE SAFE. Mother: Where shall we hide Tommy's birthday presents? Father: In the bathroom, of course.

POOR PROSPECTS. "My face is my fortune." "Huh! Another hard, luck story!" ON THi~LIST. Ardent Male: I'd love to be married to you some day. Screen Star: All right, I'll put you on my wedding' list. A LIMIT. "Doctor, how am I progressing?" quavered the patient. "Oh, you're much better," replied the doctor, breezily, "but I wouldn't start reading any serial stories if 1 were you.!' THE RESURRECTION. Editor: Did you write this poem yourself? Contributor: Yes. Every line of it. Editor: Then I'm glad to meet you, Edgar Allen Poe. I thought you were dead long ago. KEEPING IT DARK. The accused had been duly convicted of theft when it was proved, on further evidence,'that he had actually been in prison at the time the theft was committed. "Why didn't you say so?" demanded the Judge of the prisoner. "Well,1' said the man, apologetically, "I was afraid of prejudicing the jury against me." . HELPLESS. l She: Oh, John, there is a man singing outside in the street. Can't we help him? He: You c.an if you want, dear—you know I can't sing. ONLY TOO PLAIN. "'Don't you see the resemblance?" asked the proud mother, exhibiting baby. "Look at our faces side by side." "Nothing could be plainer," replied the visitor, unthinkingly. A BIG DIFFERENCE. Visitor from country to London (to a tramp): Excuse me, but I thought London was payed with gold. r Tramp (disgustedly): Paved with gold ? Why, it's paved with coppers. OF COURSEIt waa late in the evening, and he was tired of being accosted by the many street hawkers. '• The last straw came when a flower-seller stopped him with, "Snowdrops, sir?" '"I always kuew it did," he snapped, and strode on. A SPLENDID IDEA. Hostess: Dear me! The conversation is Sagging dreadfully. What can we do to amuse these people? Host: I don't know, I'm sure, unless we go into the other room for a while to give them a chance to talk about us. THAT EXPLAINS IT. A young mother, upon her husband's return from his office in the evening, met him at the door with a proud smile. "John," she said, "we weighed baby today for the first time. "And he weighs 47 pounds." "A six-weeks-old child weighs 47 pounds? Impossible! What did you weigh him on?" "On the scales that you carry in your kit to weigh the fish you catch." KIND THOUGHT. Brown had been in the habit of borrowing books from his neighbour. This had gone on for years, but the books were never returned.' One day Green appeared at Brown's door carrying a large bookcase. "I seem to have no further use for this," he said, "and it's been, worrying me to think, that perhaps you have no place to store my books conveniently." . . ' SUSPENSE. They sat there holding hai^ls—a deathly silence prevailed. She had a feeling, yes, something told her that he would ask the all-important question. She nerved herself up for the words that she knew would surely come, and with appealing eyes she turned her face towards him. "Why did you trump my ace? he thundered. HIS'CONCERJS. "I wish I knew if my job is a. permanent one. You see, when 1 was taken ou the boss said, .'All right, I wiii give you a trial.'" .••■.■ ,■ ;! .:■ ' V "Hm! And he hasn't mentioned whether you are satisfactory or not, eh! "No, and that's what is worrying me. I don't like to ask him in case he. finds How long have you been working for him? "Nigh on forty years now. ALMOST A TRAGEDY. _ It was a gaping, big hole, the. bottom of which could not even be seen, v Down that hote was a man. Is it any wonder that a crowd gathered around, or that various emotions were, expressed upon their faces? Had he vanishedl-for^everf Would he never come to the surface again? Some looked anxious, others stared miserably at the spot where he should come, /bell rang Ah! He was coming up The lift attendant stepped out, and) they all rushed into the lift. MASONS WILL SMILE. J A poor little girl wrote a letter to God asking for £5 for her parents. _ Tho letter went to the Dead Letter Office, where a sorter, a Mason, saw it and took it to his lodge. As a result. £3 was collected, and sent to the ° Some months later she wrote a similar letter and added a poetscript: "Don t sent it through the Masons this time. Last time they kept back £2.' WHERE THEY FAILED. A young man took his sweetheart to her first football match, The home team, and the one he favoured, was.faring badly. The visitors bombarded their goal as frequently as ehe bombarded him with questions. ■ ,■ , 1 "Why have the other team scored five goals and youra.none?" she asked at half"Weak backs," he dismally replied. "Weak backs!" she exclaimed, Why, I am surprised. Men suffering from weak backs shouldn't take part in such a rough game as football." NOT A FIRST NIGHT. "I say, Bill," said his wife,' "let's go to the theatre. I hear, they're putting on a new show tonight." "All right," he agreed. "I j ain't never been to a first night before." . They dressed hurriedly in their best clothes and set out. Arriving outside the theatre. Bill stopped and stared at the floodlit posters. "Here, Emma," he said, rather sharply. "I thought you said it. was a, new show starting tonight? Why, this things been going on lot nearly a fortnight! "What' dyer mean?" she asked him. "Well, look nt that poster," eaid Bill. "Doesn't it say 'Shakespeare's Great Piny Twelfth Night'?" THE LITTLE INNOCENT. "Mother." said Freddy, coming into the kiU-hen, "I'm not going to play with that Johnny Brown any more. He's a naughty boy," "My dear little man," said mother ■proudly, "«nd what has Johnny been "Ho laughed ■when another boy picked up ow cat by its tail." explained Freddy. "Who was this other boy?" mother nsked. "Me," said Freddy. , THE MATHEMATICIAN. The two passengers in the compartment of the train that was rushing through pasture country got into conversation. One a farmer, was naturally interested in the grazing cattle. "Now, there's a fine herd over there, he remarked. . "Yes," said his companion. "Sixty-five in that group." The farmer was amazed. As they travelled on the 6tranger continued to number the groups of cattle and sheep that they, passed. * "Look here," said the farmer after a while, "I don't know how right you are with your figures, but I'm going to test them. We shall be going f through my farm presently. See if you Can judge the number of sheep there. Ah, here we are! How many-are there?" "Two hundred and twenty," came the instant reply. The farmer gasped hollowly. "Great Scot!" he exclaimed. "How the dickens do you do it?" "Oh, it's quite simple!" said the other offhandedly. "I just count the number of legs aud, divide by, four,"