POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXIX, Issue 86, 11 April 1935, Page 8

POSTSCRIPTS

Chronicle and Comment

BY PERCY FLAGE

Some of those Mincing Lane gamblers have been well and truly peppered-and-salted. •i a * A Sydney editor says that civilisa* tion is under construction. It's ceP> tainly under something. * » * It does look as though a, hauling down of the gold standard is imminent1 across the Channel. a # ■» De Valera will not be the first Irish-! man (?) to go to America to get an improved view of Ireland's problems. * « • We judge from the bouquets tossetit at the veteran Parliamentarian's he«fe! that where there is a municipal wrofl^ it will be Wright-ed. *'■ • • " I(R)ONIC. Dear Percy,—Describing one of Mi gales the lonic encountered the report says that once the ship listed 30 degrees and tipped a lady into the arms of a steward. I guess that was the biggest "tip" he ever received. MITERA. * * ' * ■■ TRUE STORY. Dear Perciflage,—A true story for yqu, for a change. A school kiddie wrote an essay on the children's farewell to G6vernor-General Bledisloe, .and related, inter alia, that "the Governor made a speech and it was so hot that many people fainted." Sorry N I did not make more than a passing acquaintance with our most popular of Governors. PERCIFLEUSE. * * * ■' "BUCKSHEE." "Stan," challenging an .editorial col* respondent, insists that the word "buckshee" is of some use for limerick* making purposes. As follows:— Did you hear of Mrs. McGuckshie, And the great financial muck she Had got herself in . ■ .. Committing the sin Of giving her goods away bucksheeii A friend of many years standing1, "Delirious Dan," "gatecrashes" this party with— Introducing my wonderful duck—sha Was not at all lacking in pluck; sha Would fold up her legs , And lay me two eggs, . , Though knowing I passed ,them oi»^ "buckshee." * . ■♦ , .' * INQUIRY DEPARTMENT. . . Harvey Furbay.—The standardised1 power of a horse is, we are advised, two-thirds of one horse-power. This was arrived at by Watt and Boultou when they tried to indicate the power of. their steam engines. They discovered that strong working horses in London could raise 22,000 pounds one foot a minute during the day. This made 22,000 foot pounds. They, then added 50 per cent, to that for good measure, and established one horse-power as 33,000 foot pounds per minute, which is now the standard of horse-power energy. Horses under stress can, it is said, develop about twelve horse-power a minute. ;, MORNING TEA MONOLOGUE, j Goo'-mornin', dearie; 'opes yer well —Terday there's oysters—on th' shell (A special treat fer you an' me). 'Strewth, dearie, 'ow'd yer like ter ba A rover on ther Spanish Main, Where "gobs" like these 'old pearl! uv price? (Yer'd never scrub er floor again Or' wear >yer mock silk "undies'* twice)'. —This letter 'ere's frum nephew Ed In ther Crook Islands, where 'c dwells Among ther palms; yer'll mind 'c sed —When last 'c wrote 'is lovin' Arnt—• 'E tries ter trade, an' sometimes sells A bit o' stuff; but when trade's dead* 'E lives on wot ther planters plant. ('Ere, 'aye some cake:—a 'earty cut —It's desecrated cokernut). . This Island life don't seem ter me Jest orl they crack it up ter be; With all ther traders goin' grey ; The life ain't one long 'ollerday. (I used ter think it somethin' granil Ter 10l upon ther sunlit strand Beside Vere Stockpot's blue lagoon An' watch the 'Oola 'Qolas spoon) —Me nephew ses things ain't that.wajj Since Civilisation 'eld its sway. 'E ses, things should be better now; i; It's orange-time, an' oh each bough i Ther golden globes in cluster 'ang j! (The ones we buy at Sing On Sang Or other slop shops, ain't no class ' —Ed says, down there they'd nevet pass—, ■-..■:■ , . They go 'arf rotten getting 'ere Ain't even fit fer native beer). —Yes, George Forbes ought to askb "Whaffor"; . With Nacher's garden at our door, An' Island fruit both good an' cheap Their blinkin' boats can't make it keep; , : Tho' only five days' sail ter go, It's Callerfornia gets our "dough." —I call that just a dirty shame Me buzzum burns,with inward flam« (Or else it's 'iccups comin'—;Quick! Pass me the vinegar, dearie—Hie ll—f, Yes, charity begins at'ome While Cheero fiddles, pop goes Rome| TUKUPA KOKO. Mangaia, Cook Islands. •'■' i. PANTOMIME DIALOGUE. ~-■ ' Dear Percy,—At a London panto*; mime I heard two bits of dialogue! which throw light upon the current sense of humour. Here's one:— First Bird: Bet you can't say "Yes 1* to every remark I make. Second Bird: Betcher fiver I can! F. 8.: Righto. Fine girl I saw yotfi ■ with last night. 5.8.: Yes. ■ ■ ■ .■ F. 8.: Damned ugly mug youve got» , 5.8.: Yes. / ■ • F. 8.: I'm a better man than yo»; any day. 5.8.: —Er, yes. ■ , F. 8.: You know, you're a low-down* yellow-livered, two-faced sort of gutter* snipe. .... 5.8.: What the ! ——Yes! . . , F. 8.: I say, I believe you've played this game before? ■ 53.: No, I haven't. F. 8.: Thanks. I'll trouble you tot that fiver. (Puts it in his pocket.) S.B: Here, this is no good. Look here, I'll bet you double or quits you can't say "Banana" to everything 1 say. F. 8.: Right you are, my boy. Go ahead. ' 5.8.: D'ye think the Socialists will win the next election? F. 8.: Banana! 5.8.: D'ye think they ought to mak« Hbre-Belisha Earl of Beaconsfield? F. 8.: Banana! 5.8.: But praps that'd make hint Dizzy? F. 8.: Banana! 5.8.: Which would you rather have, the tenner or the banana? F. 8.: Banana! , ■ ' ■ 5.8.: Here you1 are, then. Thanfci. (Hands over banana and collars tht money.) Now, you can try this gam* on unsuspecting Postscripters. ■' ■!