Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXVIII, Issue 78, 29 September 1934, Page 24

Wit and Humour

Father: What do you want now? Haven't I just set up your husband in business?

Married Daughter: Yes, but Harry wants you to buy him out!

The farmer had been to the market town, and on his return he said to his wife: "Some of those fellows at the bank are very slick with their finger.s. I saw a man who had to keep a wet sponge alongside him to keep his fingers from getting hot."

Percival: That was the unkiildest cut of all, as the poet says. Penelope: What was? Percival: I showed her one of my boyhood pictures with- my father holding me on his knee, and she said, "My, who is the ventriloquist?"

"My wife is prolonging her visit. 1 need her at home, but it seems useless to write suggesting that she return." "Get one of the neighbours to suggest it, my boy."

"Good-night, Mrs. Brown, and thank you for the most enjoyable evening I have ever spent in my life." "Oh, don't say that, Mr. Smith." "Oh, but I do say that! I always say that!" The taxi came to a halt. The fare descended a trifle uncertainly and proceeded to search his pockets slowly. "Sorry, old man," he said, finally, "but 1 haven't a bean!" Seeing that the driver was not taking it j too well, he added: ' I "That's the position, old man, and you know you can't get blood out of a stone." ' "No," agreed the driver, rolling up his sleeves, "but what makes you think you've a stone?"

A well-known tenor had received art enthusiastic reception, and was standing in the lounge aiter the performance. The people flocked around him, and he was hard put to it to acknowledge all the compliments showered upon him. His arm began to ache, owing to the severe treatment it received.

Finally, an elderly duchess simply overwhelmed him with praise, much to his disgust. "Your singing took me back to my girlhood days," she enthused. "Really," murmured the singer. "I^had no idea my voice would carry so far."

Their canoe was drifting idly; the sun shone and the sea was serene. Then, he proposed. From the opposite end of the canoe flic gazed at him calmly. Then slic said: "As a matter of common sense, realising tint we are in this canoe on water more than fifty feet' deep, and if you were going to act as you should act it" I accepted you we would be capsized, I will decline your proposal .at this moment, but, George, row to the shore and ask me again."

A man having to make a trip across the Strait feared he would be seasick. As soon as he got on the boat he went straight to his cabin and drank about halt' a bottle of whisky. Waking up eventually, and finding the engines slopped, and the boat at rest he rang for the steward, and ordered coffee. "Do you know, steward, the only thing that has kept me away from the mainland up till now is my fear of seasickness, and instead of being sick I've slept like a top, and didn't feel the slightest roll." "No, sir," said the steward, "I don't expect ycju did. You see it's too rough for the boat to put out, and we're, still in the harbour."

SERVICE.

"Riley," eaid Finriigan, "Oi can't pay mo rent, so Oi want to hire your horse and cart to do a moonlight flit."

"Sure," said Riley, "and ye couldn't have come to a better man. Bclave me, that horse of moine is so well trained he'll walk past the landlord's house on his tip-toes!"

IN THE "ROUGH.

The golfer had lost his ball, and not unnaturally was inclined to be annoyed with his caddie.

"Why the deuce didn't you watch where it went?" he asked, angrily. K.

"Well, sir," said the boy, "it don't usually go anywhere, and so it took me unprepared like."

A SAD FATE.

Mrs. Jones: There. Broke my lookingglass. Now I suppose I shall have seven years' bad luck. Mrs. Brown: Don't you believe it, Mrs. Jones. A friend of mine broke hers, and she didn't have eeven years' bad luck. She was killed in an explosion next day.

A LONG JOB.

Mr. Newlywed: Did you make that split pea 6oup for dinner?

Mrs. Newlywed: L've started, but we can't have it until tomorrow. It's taken mo all day to split the peas.

THE UNLUCKY BURGLAR.

Henpcck: When I was out last night a burglar broke into our house. Pal: And did he get anything? Ilenpeck: Not art'! My wife thought it was me coming home!

LONG CREDIT FOR GLADSTONE.

"I believe you supply false teeth on the easy payment system," said the young lad}', entering the up-to-date dentist's waiting-room. "Yes. madam," wittily replied the dentist. "Pay as you chews."

HABIT.

"William the Conqueror landed here in one-o-double-six," said the telephone girl to her escort as they strolled along the Hastings front.

HOW IT HAPPENED.

Mistress: Why was this letter only just delivered? I see it was posted a week ago. Maid: Well, the postman and I have only just made up our quarrel.

PROBABLY,

"Fred, dear, I feel it in my bones that you are going to take me to the theatre tonight." "Which bone, darling?" "I'm not sure, but I think it's my wishbone."

THE EXCEPTION,

Mother: Bobbie, I've told you a dozen times you can't have any more chocolates. If you ask again, I'll punish you.

Bobbie: Oh! Then you didn't mean what you told me yesterday about persevering!

AGREED. Jinks: Well, old man, my wife and I have agreed on something at last. King<s: Good. What is it? Jinks: Separation.

NASTY,

He: If I see anything funny, I'm simply bound to laugh. She: I say, you must find shaving a rather dangerous job.

OBVIOUS

"The modern girl has plenty of backbone," says a writer. We've noticed that at dances.

THE MISTAKE. "Who's the talkative woman over there?"

"My wife." "Sorry, my mistake." "No. Mine."

MORE ENJOYABLE.

She: Father's sermon tonight is called •Love One Another." Want to attend? He: No. Let's stay at home and practise what he preaches.

HE SCORED,

She (enthusiastically): Oh, George, don't you think the greatest joy in life is the pursuit of the good, the true, and the beautiful? He: That is what 1 am here for.

A TRANSFER QUESTION

Mrs. Gray: I sent my little boy for two pounds of strawberries, and you only gave him a pound and a half. Are your scales right? ' ■

Greengrocer: Oh. yes, my scales are all right. Better weigh your little boy!

SOME BARBER

Customer (after being shaved, cut in several places, and patched up with paper): Here's half a crown, barber, and keep the change; your versatility is amazing; you're barber, butcher, and paperhanger all in one.

MISTAKEN IDENTITY,

Mrs. 'Uggins: This 'ere fellow thinks he can sing like Caruso.

Mrs. 'Iggins: Well, they do say as how Caruso 'ad a beautiful voice, but 'ow could they know with 'im stranded on that island with nobody but Friday to 'ear 'im?

MEMORY TEST.

First Camper: Say, Bill, have you a good memory for faces?

Second Camper: Sure. First Camper: Well, see if you can remember your own when you shave it. I've just broken the mirror.

NOT BEFORE,

"Am dere anybody in the congregation what wishes prayer for deir failin's?" asked the coloured minister.

"Yassuh," responded Brother Jones. "All's a spen'thrift, an' Ah throws mah money round reckless like."

"Vo'y well. We will join in prayer fo' Brotheh Jones —jes' after do collection plate have been passed."

PROVED,

Two-business rivals were having a wordy conflict. "You want me to tell you just what I think of you* Freeman ?" sneered Gray.

"Yes, go on!" replied Freeman, with an air of defiance.

"Very well," said the other, "I'll be brief. You say you are a self-made man.'"

"I don't deny it," put in Freeman; with a self-satisfied grin. "Which just goes to show the horrors of unskilled labour," returned Gray.

GOT IT DOWN,

Timson was being sent out on his first job as a reporter on the staff of the "Daily Crier, and the editor's last words to him were.' "Don't forget, Timson, if you 6ee anything really good on your travels, get it down, and let me 'know about it immediately by telephone." Timson departed. Later in the day lie rang, up his editor. "Hello! Timson speaking. I saw a four-course dinner at Donnellies for Is 6d, and as it looked really good, I 'got it down,' and O, boy, it was worth it." !

HE GAVE UP.

She: If we are going to be married you must give up smoking. He: Y Tes. She: And drinking, and your clubs. He: Yes. She: Now doesn't anything else suggest itself to you that you will give up of your own accord? He: Y res. She: What. He: All idea of marrying you.

MAN OF FEW WORDS.

"What did Mike Hogan say when Kelly called him a liar?" asked Pat. "Nothin* much," said Mac,

Pat gasped. "Nothin' much!" he exclaimed. "That's funny. Hogan used to be a hot-tempered man."

"Well," said Mac, with a twinkle in his eye. "he never said a word except 'Have ye had enough yet ?'"

LESS TIRING.

"Will you walk through life hand in hand with me?" asked the old-fashioned lover.

"Well," replied the modern girl, "I'd prefer to motor."

THE ALARM.

"Whenever I want to rise early 1 always leave a note in the milk bottle, and the milkman wakes me up by ringing the front door bell," said Jones.

His friend smiled. "The only thing that prevents me from using that idea is that I am seldom home early enough to write a note to the milkman."

A FRIEND IN NEED!

Solly: Abey, my boy—you're a pal of mine—ain't you? I mean, you'd do anything to help me, wouldn't you?

Abey: Course I am, Sol. Certainly I would! You know that. What's your trouble?

Solly: Well, I've just beeu to the bank to borrow some money. They said, though, they wouldn't lend it to me unI less you signed this note they gave me. Abey: Solly, I'm ashamed of you. And you and me been friends for years. Yet you g^o to a bank for money instead of coming to me. It hurts me, Sol. Honest, it does. Now, listen here —don'lt you ■have dealings with no banks, believe me. Just you go right back there and tell the bank manager to sign that note, and bring it back to me, and I'll lend you the money, my boy!