POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXVII, Issue 65, 17 March 1934, Page 8

POSTSCRIPTS

Chronicle arid' Comment

BY PERCY FLAGE

Add similes: As lazy as the fellow who sought the job of valet to Gandhi. '* * ' *

, It is more apparent" than ever that our young men will have to improve by. li'aps and bounds before they r-iiteh up on Mr. Metcalfe. ♦* • *

Then there was the woman who added twenty years to her calendar age ia order to become a centenarian and got into the- papers,before she died. * * ♦

"AVhyj" asked the singing master, "do you place your hand over your right ribs when singing the . word 'pearl'?'-?. "Oh,V she- breathed, "it comes natural to me. I'm left-handed! " •" • •

MORE PIRACY. . "Too Late," Column B's Tuesday night verses by J. J. Montague, read with great relish by the writer, re- - minded him that" Whittier, the American Quaker poet, once lent a volume of Plato to a neighbour, and when the book was returned "Whittier asked:' "Well, friend, how did thee like Plato?" "First,Tate," -was the reply. "I see he's got some of my notions." ROSEXEATH".

* * « SHACKLING CIECE. This was the law in England in 1770: "All women, of whatever age, rank, • profession, or (degree, whether virgins, maids,, or .widows,;.that shall, from and after such Act, impose upon, seduce, and betray into matrimony, any of his Majesty's subjects, by the scents,, paints, cosmetic washes, artificial teeth,* false hair, Spanish wool, iron stays, hoops, high-heeled shoes, bolstered hips, , shall incur the penalty of the law in. v force, against ..witchcraft." As the Americans have it—"there ought to be a law" today. • • ■♦•

TIMELY SUGGESTION. Dear Flage,—Seeing that we' have a record-breaker—Metcalfe—in our country at present, would:it. not be & good idea if the listeners-in presented him with a 101b! hammer: and. sent him to, say, 2YA studio, and told him to do his best. (Some of these records would not be played twice in a private house, yet listeners must put up with theso fearful things after paying 30s per year. Sorry to be always grumbling," but this salt water of Wellington Harbour must be extra strong lately, bo I think I will have to change my drink or take on paint, which is sometimes a bit thicker than methylated fire-water. Kind regards and good-bye, BABNACLE BILL.' Kaiwarra Dump.

.».■■-».■■ ■ ♦ ( SCHOOL'S IN. Do you know that— 1. A dog perspires through, its pants t 2. Eiehard Graves, "of \Miekleton, Gloucester, -was father'of a British admiral, grandfather of three' admirals, and great-grandfather of five admirals! 3. Lady Mary Wortley Montagu,, a brilliant 17th century authoress and beauty, did not look at herself ia. a mirror in ,the last 22 years of her life? s * - 4. William Ford. Henry's brother, has gone bankrupt, ' his liabilities being £80,000,' his assets .nil? • He-doesn't even, own a ear. ' . - '; 5. Because coffee kept Mohammedans awake through long religious services, it was declared by.the Koran to be an intoxicant, and was forbidden? 6. Due to the drought, a year's supply of beer was druhk-in the Northamptonshirevillages in eight weeks? 1 7..Sticking out the'tongue at visitors is the most polite form' of greeting 'in Tibet! •' - .. • '■ 8. The islands of Eeil are a group of convolutions in the human brain? 9. A Hungarian match trust lately purchased an invention ■ called the "eternal match"? It will 'light .200 times'.-and is, NOT to be put on the market. 10. The largest pair of boots worn by a man were .the 22's made in London for Maehnow,, the Eussian giant of 25 years ago, who stood 9ft 6in in his stocking feet? • ,

♦ ♦ ♦ THE SHAW—IN SOLILOQUY. This subject was nominated by "Candida." , . The Shaw caressed his beard, and «aid, said he: "iX'ot quite so slickly corner the jeu d'esprit As in more inspirational days ,of parados. But still these people will expect some shocks, And therefore is imposed on 'me the task Of being naughty -when their spokes-, men ask ■ The usual fool questions ... simple f6lk, Eeady to cheer the Teconditioned joke. "Alore British than real Britishers . . .' ah yes, Also moTe self-complacent, too, I guess. , ; I shall' infer so, anyhow, and be .rude As is my wont when being interviewed. SHould I descend to praise the Briton's worth As, say, the salt (and'pepper) of tta earth, They would get bored and;hie them, off to lunch, Convi^ed that Shaw at last had lost . his punch. I'm- an iconoclast or nothing—so, , "While the winds through my whiskers whistling go, , And the hot cameras shooty'ill smirk; and scoff, Warning these islanders where th«J5 'get off; Giving them what they wanted, anj;« way— Delicious shivers in their vertebrae. Witlv such devices (plus my famous - looks), ' Who knows but they will buy more of my bopksl * Only to think how I have profited ' By standing worid. illusions on their ' head!"

•■--. -• - ;■■.» ;/;- ♦ . ■/■■'>-■ - ""■.;.■"■, X ' '■■■ - .'-. ■'"•■■;■ ~WH.Yt:- .":''■' : |-0The proprietor .of a ; TAg jeiveller's * shop locked up for the night and gave the keys to the night watchman and said: ''Give these-keys to:-the man-' ager in the morning. I am '-■ going home on the, 8.30 train.". The watchman said: '.'I. would rather: that you caught your usual train, the -9.10." "Whyf? said the jeweller, ff Because I dreamt last night thatithe B.So.train; was wrecked and nearly,, everyone killed," was the reply. The jeweller said "Rot;-" and went out. y.JHe was a superstitious man,; :howeyer,\ and ho decided to catch the usual train at 9.10. The 8.30 train was wrecked and nearly everyone was MJled.,,'-The next' morning the proprietor\; called tte'-; watchman in and said:"l'sm, :very, grateful to you. Here is a cheque for £50 and take a week's notice. '■'.-". ij \ Now, why; was i&e iratehman -saeke^f-