POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXVI, Issue 60, 12 March 1934, Page 6

POSTSCRIPTS

BY PERCY FLAGE

Chronicle and Comment

Add similes—referring to «'ffl* politicians: As tough in the hide it * bullet-proof vest. ' '*. « * Eastbourne Edna: I don't know'o* - anything that beats dads home brew. Herctaunga Hattie: My hot favourite is Miuiims. ' *-" * ' * Talking of secondary industries— won't New Zealand be a great.little country when she is as self-contained as she. has heretofore been self-compla-cent? .' ~ -..*. * .. * '■"*' William' Hazlitt" forwards a news' paper ; clipping: in which is announced a light-heavy boxing contest—a ' '.100« round encounter." • •"-.-• '-'Possibly," adds "William,". "L. • D. Austin's objection to boxing amounts' to an /Aberdeenish protest against these short sprint scraps." : ' * &■ -' -' tt - CLEVER MART! "Dear Percy Plage,—Re the limerick duel. ..'twist, the two lads .(."Ossie" and Gaping Arthur"), do you think they, would object to a lady giving her version of the Petone goat? If not, with your kind permission, and risking the w.p.b.:— . ' • . ". " Z Mary had: a little goat, and filled with good intention, She tied it near the railway track, and "■ folks began to mention That'as the train went rushing by with " fireman—Bill or Larry— They tiffed the goat with'lumps of coal .'.which Mary home would carry. . '. M.S. ... FIGHTING CRICKETS. Our law; is- severe on, pakapoo merchants and: their ...mostly Eurdpea* clients—just as severe as the Chines* law is on cricket fighting and its patrons. Some . people will .gamble o* anything. Betting on crickets is growing apace. At a recent mid in Shane* hai, among those . apprehended fos wagering on the insects were four Brw tishers in-high standing in. the big.busi* ness world.-It is said'that spbrtsniea (?) pay as'mnch as £10 for a Jack; , Dempsey type of cricket, andthat;som<S make a husiness of breeding them* Isn't it just a world! ':■ ■'■~'■ -x- » # .'_•-' CORROBORATIVE EVIDENCE. Just how the brilliant' effloirescenea of the Australian, gums, in.the Botanical Gardens and elsewhere, reminds ma of a story that has not hitherto appeared in print. A New Zealander visiting Australia; noticed one of these trees, not then in! flower, and remarked that the specie^ flowered freely in New Zealand. Hiahost said in a burst of admirations' "You should see them, here'; in tha flowering season!" ■'"''.' '."'•''!■ Some time after his returh the visitor received a letter from his Australian friend saying: "At'present the. gums are glorious; one is so vivid'that a horse shied at it.". ' . ■'.' '•' In his reply the New Zealander said he had never known a horse shy at onei in this'country. '"But,'" he-added, "X, read your statement to aihorse I-knowg and he^hied at that." '-o,j ,-,r, ? A ■ ;.--. '' •■■■■■■-. .Z-}:-: r-z~-■ :■' ••-■ ■ .J . *. ■•■:._.. t --.:i .-. ■£;-.• -■ -.-. ■- -r\ J-.y ■; RIDICULOUS.-•--' Dear' Plage,—Several hundred German Nazis have scuttled back over their frontier after conducting a well-meant! but nrisdireeted incursion into- Holland; in an' endeavour to link np and co- ■ ordinate their aims ariS ■ideals ' with; those of the recently-formeaDutch Nazi Group. The Dutchmen, however, ata not biting, and I doii't blame them. The first objective of" Hitler's men in this;, peaceful penetration was to: arrange'foit conversion into. Swastika emblems at the whole of the windmills throughout the length and breadth of Holland by; means of battening crosspieees on to) the tips of the vanes. Ttiis accomplished, it would, be but a 'short step to;th«( second objective," i.e.,'tho brilliant ides of floodlighting these sighs at night* But the sagacious Dutchmen fear ridicule as New Zealanders do the-quota,-and they determined that they were hbti going to be held up to ridicule to thai whole world as the acknowledged homi of the "flaming swastika." No^ Thejj have clogs enough as it is. '■'"■- WINSHv * ■ *'■ .-■ ■*■ ■' '-.;■-' ANCIENT AND. MODERN: •*'' • Dear Percy,—Here's another .idea fb^ aspiring Postscripters: How "about ;qj little competition in setting well-knowa' lines in _old and new frames? z POl5 example, let me have a go, at / Humpty Dumpty sat. on a wall;. - Humpty Dumpty had a great.fall; All the King's horses and all the King's men Conldn?t put Humpty together again« Now, suppose Chaucer had. written! it thus:— Ons on a tynie, a certayne Doughtiaj . .wight : .' ' r. ' In: Englande born and ' Humptia Dumptie hight, Did sitten on a walle, with inoche de-. light; ■■ '.;■ 'r;V: '. Ef tsones he f ell—Alack, ye pitous sights And on hys cracked-pate he" did alight* Te. Kynge- did troupes- send,*'. botha Knave and Knight, ■■ = ••--. - But none could" oust; hym from his grysly plight. . L.D.A. ■■■»-. . •*, ■ ■>. - * . ■-. SCHOOL-BOY "SCREAMERS." ' Or "howlers"—just as you please* These are the1 result' of a. "competition^ run by the "University Correspondent* for the best collection of inadvertent schoolboy humour. '■•-.' ■■■•.•••. _ A. crisis is a thing which hangs ud in the winter and comes down in tha summer, as a butterfly. ' * .'■ A bishop without a diocese is calleil a gentlenian-in-waiting. Book-keeping is the silent art o§ not returning books borrowed. : ' " The BUI of Eights said that no mas* could be thrown into Parliament with* out trial. This was a great stride' for* ward in. the .world-famous British) justice. Lady Jane Grey sat on the thorns for a few days only, and when Queea Elizabeth removed her and *\. wa* executed, she died saying if I had served you as you have served me you would! have been dead long ago. An octopus is a cat with eight sides. • Habeas Corpus was a phrase muefc used during the Great Plague of Loudon, and means: "Bring out your dead." • , Five Mile Act. No clergyman conld come .within five miles of his former living unless he signed the pledge. The Secretary of State for Scotland is Sir James Maxton. The Salic Law said that no woman, nor woman's son might reign. A deacon is the lowest kind e£ Christian in the world. Darwin is the author of a famous book called "Tarzeit of the Apes." Britain has been responsible for many;' damns on. the Nile. . '.„ Captain Cook made three. "roy-ftk,e4 round the world: He .was^, WW^wr| -Villed during.the fifest sofithiSe..''"" ": '■-