Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXVI, Issue 19, 22 July 1933, Page 18

Wit and Humour

Mrs. Twistle: I'm convinced that China needs a firm hand. Mrs. Twostle: I've told my maid that, but it's no use. A man arrested for drunkenness was said to have been discovered with his arm around a lamp post, shouting "Let me in.'" When told that nobody lived there, he said, "Don't lie. There's a light upstairs." Gus: The horn on your car must De broken. Mr.: No, it's just indifferent. 6ns: Indifferent; what do you mean? Mr.: It just doesn't give a hoot. "Do you have any difficulty in getting money from your husband?" "Oh, no; I just tell him I'm going back to mother, and he gives me the fare." Customer: You have been giving very short measure lately. Milkman: Oh, no, mum. It only looks shorter. It is really semi-condensed.

ROCK CAKE? ] Mrs. Brown had been invited to the wedding, and was treating Mrs. Mivvens to a detailed account of the occasion. "Being a fireman's wedding," she said, "all his mates turned .up and formed an arch with their little choppers. Most appropriate, I thought." Mrs. Mivyens had not been invited, so she received the information with a suift" 6f disdain. ■; . ' "Yes," she remarked, "I heard about it. And those same choppers came in very handy later on when they tried to cut the home-made wedding* cake!" Husband: H'm! funny pudding, this. Wife: Yes, dear. That's as far as I got when the wireless broke down. Motor-car Salesman: Are you interested in any particular make of car, sir? ■ Pedestrian^ No; I just came in. here to enjoy being ~ainong a few that I didn't have to jump away from. "What charming little pink-tipped ears you have, Miss Tottie. Did you ever have them pierced? , "No; but I have had them bored." Polite Frenchman: Excuse, madam! Lady: What's wrong? Polite Frenchman: Excuse, madam, but my hat, he ees sitting on zee same chair as you. Soprano: Did you notice how my voice filled the hall last night? Contralto: Yes, dear; in fact, I noticed people leaving to make room for it. Much to the consternation of everyone assembled at the church the parson turned up half an hour late to perform the wedding ceremony. Ten years later the same parson met the bridegroom again. "I am afraid I gave you an awful fright on your wedv ding clay," said he. "You did," replied the bridegroom, "and what's more I've still got her." He wasn't much to look at, but he was an ardent wooer. "Darling," he said to the bright blonde as he stroked her pink fingers prior to the next dance, '"I wonder. Do you ever think about me?" "Yes, Algy," she answered. "I do have my moments of depression." Cohen and Jock had finished a meal together when, to the surprise of the waiter, Jock was heard to cay:— "Let me have the bill, will ye?" Next clay the papers had the headline: "Murder of Jewish Ventriloquist." Sergeant-major: Did you shave today? Private: Yes, sir. S.M.: It was a bad one, if you did. Private: I had to shave with a candle this morning. S.M.: I see. Well, try the effect of a razor in future. "My advice to you, Colonel, is to go through the movements of driving without using the ball," said the golf instructor. "My dear fellow," answered the Colonel, "that's precisely the trouble I'm wanting to overcome."

Instructor: Your son has a great thirst for knowledge. Where did he get it? Mother: He gets the knowledge from me. and the thirst from his father. "Rheumatism," said the doctor, "causes one to imagine that his joints are very much larger than they actually are." "I know," exclaimed' Mrs. Housebody; "our butcher has' it!"'''1 The' young curate- was- giving the local spendthrift some sound advice. "You ought to make it a rule, George," he said, "never to spend all your wages." \ "I do," replied George. "I never spend more'n two-thirds." "Well, I'm very glad to hear it," remarked the curate. "And do you deposit the remainder in the post office?" "Well, no, sir," admitted the spendthrift.' "I give the rest to the missus for housekeeping." First sailor (beginning a letter): Can't no one spell Buenos Aires? Second sailor: Wh5 r not leave it an' write from the next port?

WORTH TRYING. The drama was a thrilling one, but a talkative young man had seen it before. In an audible voice he announced what was coming next, and described ho^ funny it would be when it did come; .■■.' He had a pretty girl with hijn, and he, was trying to amuse her. ' At length he said: "Did you ever, try listening to a play with your eyes Bhut? You've no idea how queer it'seems." A middle-aged; man sitting "just in front twisted ■ himself in his seat and glared. "Young man," he said, "did you ever try listening to a play with your mouth shut?" ■ THE WILL OF WHEELS. Freddie was giving his lady friend a long discourse on his family history. "My. grandfather," he said, "was just a poor, hard-working' London clockmaker. When he died, a few years ago, hie left all his estate, which consisted of tf/to hundred clocks, to my father."" ! i The girl smiled. ■' "How interesting!" she said. "It must have been real fun winding up hSs estate." Doctor: I am sorry to tell you, Mrs. Brown, that your husband will never be able to work again. •. Mrs. Brown: I'll go'and-tell 'im. It'll cheer 'im up. "What happens to the horses you follow, Albert?" "Oh, they usually follow the other horses." First boy (playing marbles): JWe'd better stop the game now we're even. Second boy (his opponent): Even! How do you make that out? ' First Boy: Well, you had all my marbles a little while ago, and now I've got all yours. ■ Night warder: Why don't you go to sleep? Burglar Bill: Because it seems so funny to be here lying in bed in the middle of the night. ■'.. ' A fellow took a very dilapidated car to a garage for repairs. ' ' . "How much did you pay for this bus?" asked the v mechanic. "As a matter of fact," replied the owner, "a friend gave it to me for nothing." • The garage man shook his head. "You've been swindled," he said. Teacher: An anonymous person is one who does not wish to be known—who's that laughing in the class? Small voice: An anonymous person, sir. Genial Bachelor: Well, yoong man, one thing I notice is that since you're married you always have buttons on.'your clothes. Young man: Yes. Ellen taught me how to sew them on before we'd been married a week. : Susie: Isn't your sweetheart, Alexander McKay, very intellectual-looking? He appears a man of rare gifts; Maisie: He is. We've been courting now for ten years, and h& hasn't given me a present yet.

LOOKING AHEAD. Rastus , was asked what regiment he would join if another war occurred, and it was suggested that probably he would like the fcayalry. "No," (said Kastus, "when they sound the 'Retqeat' I don't want to be hampered by no hforse." HIS JOB. "Howl is it you were not at school yesterday afternoon, Johnny?" asked the teacher. "PleUse, sir, as I was coming along I saw a steam-roller." "Well, what about it?" "Well," said Johnny, "a man tapped me on thip shoulder and said, 'Mind that steam-roller, boy,' and I stood minding it all the afternoon." NOT HIS JOB. The breathless dock labourer dashed into fthe manager's office. "I say, guvnor," he said pleadingly, "I'm [ clearing off." "Whatever do you mean, man?" asked tha manager, puzzled. "{They're loading a lot of cattle down at the) boat " began the man. "What about it?" interrupted the manager. "Well, it's like this," said the dock labourer. "I've been chased by a blooming 'bull all along the quay. I'm a stevedoiib, not a toreador." PROFITABLE. Two Scots went to a variety show in London. Being in funds jthat day, they took front row seats. During the conjuror's turn, one of them was asked to jgo on the stage to assist in a trick. ■ On .their way home after the performfance Jock, who had been on the stage, tsaid: . . ' "Well, Angus, laddie, yon was a grand iconjuror." "vVorst I've ever seen," said his ifrierid. ' "Maybe, maybe," said Jock, "but I gave jhim a dud ten-shilling note and he gave litre a good one in return." / LIMITED. A visitor to Ireland was bidding an Jrishman good-bye. "Good-bye, Pat/ he isaid. "Good-bye, yer honour. May heaven jbless you and may every hair in your [head be a candle to light your way to glory.'" "Well, Pat," said the visitor, taking off his hat, and showing a bald pate, "when that times comes there won't be much of a torchlight procession up aloft." RUNNING TO SEED. The neighbour's hens. SECRECY. "Molly, have you been doing anything to the ink?" "I've only put some water in it, mummy, to make it write weak. I've been writing to daddy, and I wanted to whisper something to him." KEEPING .MEMORY GREEN. The old countryman was spending a couple of days in London for the first time in his life. "Wei! Jarge," said his host, "I daresay it seems strange to be away from the missus. It's the first time of parting in sixty years, isn't, it?" "Aye, sir," answered the old man. Then lowering his voice confidentially, he added: But I bought her a little gift to remember me afore I left." SUSPICIOUS. Asylum Attendant: There is a man outside who wants to know if any of the patients have escaped lately. Doctor: Why does he ask? Attendant: He says somebody has run off with his wife! ONE OF THE INFANTS. Brown was proudly exhibiting to Jones the sole results of his day's fishing. Jones gazcd,at it rather vacantly. lish go in schools, don't they?" he asked after a while. "I think so," replied Brown, wondcrhi" what was coming next. "Why do you ask ? , "Oh, nothing much!" said Jones. "Only I was thinking that perhaps you ; may have broken up an infants' class." CROSS WORDS! "Jinks and his wife had a fearful quarrel last night." "I'm surprised to hear that! Thought they were such a happy couple! What was the row about?" "Jinks told me. They were doing a crossword puzzle together, came to a four-letter word meaning 'fond of,' and had a terrible quarrel as to whether it was 'love' or 'like'!"' WOULD NOT SUIT HIM. His car had taken fire, and was destroyed. It being .insured, he went at once to the insurance office and demanded his money. He was given a form to fill up, and was told he could not get the money, , but that the car would be replaced. "Oh," said he, "if that's the way you do business, give me back the premium I paid the other day on my wife's policy." TAKING HIM DOWN. ' "The world's a very small place," said the bore, boasting. "Now just listen to this. Last ye#r in Paris I met a man who lives in the next road to me. Later I met him in Venice, then in Rome, again in Alexandria, and finally I crossed the Channel with him. What d'you think of that?" "Well," answered his fed-up < listener, "why the dickens didn't you pay him what you owed him in the first place?" A middle-aged man, with what appeared to be a load on his mind, visited the Arctic ship just before it started on the expedition, and seemed greatly interested in what he saw. , "I say," he said'to the officer on deck. "I'd like to go with you on this expedition of yours." "It's very cold up there," remarked the officer, discouragingly. "I don't mind that." "You have very little to eat, and you might starve to v death." "That wouldn't be pleasant," observed the visitor. "I should 6ay not," returned the officer. "Then you wouldn't see your wife for three years, and possibly longer. You know you couldn't take her with you." "Oh!" returned the would-be explorer, quickly, "then you can put my name down as a starter." A Scot appeared in an English police court, his head swathed in bandages. An Irishman, charged with assaulting him with a kettle, pointed to the injured party and said, scornfully:— "Those bandages are all show. He was walking about without them yesterday." "Is that true?" asked the Magistrate. "Yes," replied the Scot. "I wanted to keep them clean for today." A young man, after eight 3'ears' absence abroad, alighted at his home station and, despite his expectations, there was no one there to meet him., He then caught sight of the stationmaster, a friend since boyhood. To him at least he would be welcome, and he was about to extend a hearty greeting, when the other spoke first. "Hello, George!" he said. "Goin' away?" One morning, before school, mother was hearing her little son say his tables. She asked him, "Ten sixes?" and he replied "Sixty." The he was asked, "Ten noughts?" and he answered "Noughty!" Little Bobbie was at Sunday school for the first time, and the teacher said, "What is your name, dear?" "Bobbie," he replied. "Bobbie who?" asked the teacher. "Why, Bobbie myself, of course," was the answer. Molly: He looked so stupid when he proposed to me. Polly: Well, my dear, look what a stupid thing he was doing. Hilda: Doris bought a silk evening frock yesterday for a most ridiculous figure. Ethel: Don't you dare talk about Doris like that. She's got a figure as good as yours. Mother (to son who has fallen down the stairs): Oh, dear, did you miss a step? Son (picking himself up painfully): No, I hit every one of them, '