Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXV, Issue 129, 3 June 1933, Page 17

Wit and Humour

"I weigh my words before I speak. "Well, no one could accuse.you of giving short weight." ■' ' Doctor: Put your tongue out; rieht out, my boy. Small Boy: Can't. It's stuck at the back. , . After a special exhortation in. eiippprfc, of foreign missions, >vhen the contribution plate was presented to a certain man> he said to the holder: "I don't believe iv missions." ; "Then take some outi" said the deacon^ "it's for the heathens." Magistrate: Why do you thiuk I should he lenient with you? Is this your first offence? ... ;.\ Prisoner: No, your Worship j but it's uiy lawyer's first case;. . ' "I see , you ard inbving around the corner."" "Yes. They tell me prosperity is just around it;;" ■ . ; •. .'■■; .

Member of Anti-Gambling League: I will not say I have never gambled. I once bought a ticket in a raffle for my wife. Member of Audience: So that's how you got her? Policeman: You cau't come along here. This is a one-way btreet. Annoyed Motorist: One-way street, eh? W,ell, I'm only one way, aren't I?' , Bill Sikes was full ot gratitude to the' lawyer who had co successfully defended, him. "Thanks very much, Mr. Brief. I won-, der what I'd have done without you." . "Two years' hard labour," answered the I lawyer bluntly. Burglar: Ilave you paid your dog ( licence? Brown: I haven't a dog. Burglar: Have you paid your telephone account? . ~ Brown: lam not on the telephone. ! Burglar: Good! Now open that safe for me; ' _, Teacher: Haw- old would v person be, who was born in 1899? Jimnrie: Man or woman 2 The mistress was not impressed with tae prospective new maid. "No, you won't suit me. You say that you were with Mrs. Snobb last, yet you can't produce a reference." "That old cat! I could tell you some , wonderful, tales." She started to walk away, but was hurriedly called back. "Look, you can have the position—and start right away." Miss Travelle had just returned from a visit to Egypt, and was exhibiting many souvenirs to her friends. "I bought this scarab from an Arab boy," she said. ''He assured me ho had stolen it himself during the archaeological excavations. I'm sure he was genuine about it—ho had such an. honest little face." The master oi! the house rang for the maid. The girl was in the art of cleaning pots and pans, and before she could tidy her-' self her employer entered the kitchen to sec what was delaying her. He looked at her dirty hands ,and face. | "My word, Mary," ho said, "but you re \ pretty dirty, areii't you?" j Mary smiled coyly. ' I "Yes, sir," she replied, "but I'm prettier t clean." One night a man in a car was run down at a level crossing, and In consequence tha old signalman in charge had to appear in Court. ■ After a gruelling ei-ossl-examinatlon he was still unshaken. lie said he had waved his lantern frantically, but all to no purpose. The following day the superintendent of the line- railed him into his office. "You did wonderfully well yesterday, Bert," he said; "I was* afraid at first that you might waver." "No, sir," replied fiert, "though I was afraid that old lawyer W»g going to«ask me whether my lantern was lit!"

I "What do you think!" exclaimed the theatrical star proudly. "They're going to name a new cigar after* me." "Well," replied the manager eourly, "I hope it will draw better than you do." '"What on earth is wrong, Jukes 1" demanded Mrs. Siiobb. • "The engine ig mißsiug, ma'am/' answered the chauffeur. "Well, don't be so Careless in future. You left it in the garage, I expect. No one could have taken'it." An irascible bridegroom o£ seventyl three, marrying his third wife, "went into the vestry to sign the register. . ■ register* ' J After several fruitless attempt* to make a mark on the paper, he turned to the, cjerk and said: "This is the second or third time you've ■ played ■'this' trick oil. me. Nest timej I shall bring my own pens' 1 Teacher: What does a bat do in wintert Boy: It splits if you don't oil it.

She: I've been asked to get married dozens of times. He: Who. asked you? She: Mother and father. Kind Lady: And how would you like a. nice ohop? Weary Tramp: Dat all depends, lady—is it lamb, pork, or wood? Movie Director: Hill* wants £600 for playing the part of an Indian in our new film.,. Manager: Offer him £300. Tell liim it'a only a half-breed. American (as Flying Scotsman' dashes through station): I suppose you call that an express? Porter: Oh, no. That's only George doing a bit of shunting. He'll be back in' a minute! "Did you happen to run acroM a fellow called Dobbs while you Were oa that tour?" , . tt . .t "I don't tHink so," answered the iroad hog. "There were a couple ot fellows I knocked over, though, whose names I didn't find out." ' As Freddie's father was passing^ the barn, he heard Freddie saying, "What s two and One, two and .one, I say*'. When father looked in, he saw Freddie shaking the pet rabbit vigorously. "What arc you doing that for?" he "Well, teacher told us that rabbits multiply very rapidly, but this one can't even add, let alone multiply," replied Freddie disgustedly, shaking it again. Mrs. Farecheese, who kept a liberal table, according to the boarding-house advertisements, gosed severely at the new lodger as he passed up his cup for his fifth go at the coffee. , "You seem very fond of coffee, Mr. Jones," she could not help remarking, i"I am, madame," came the prompt answer. "That's why I don't mind drinking so much hot water to get a slight taste of it." When the lady gave the musician at the door a coin she remarked, But you haven't played anything on yout trombone yet." "Lady, I'd have played that if you hadn't given me any money." Sarah's dad was a staunch upholder of the proprieties. . - Sarah's young man was also a stayer. • At last Dad gave it up. .-;- ---"OK, Well, Jack," he yawned, "since you don't look like goin'/omo an' glvin me a chance to go .to bed, I suppose Id better go to bed an' give you a chance to go 'dme." A hard-driving taxi-driver ignored a ted signal, threatened the traffic jpAlieemati's knees, missed the street island by a hair, and lightly, grazed, a bus, all in one dash. The policeman hailed him, then strolled over to the taxi, pulling a big handkerchief from his pocket en-routed "Listen!" he growled. *'Ott yet way back I'll drop this and see if yott can pick it up with ycr teeth."

REMNANTS OF ART. "This," said the email art enthusiast, pointing proudly to an old oil painting, "is a specimen I obtained very cheaply ?t a sale. It is a genuine Rembrandt! ' Actually, it is worth about four times tlie price I paid, too." "Blimey," said his guest, slightly ignorant of matters artistic. "You don't say so! I've seen those Rembrandt sales advertised at the draper's, but all my missis ever gets at 'etu is bite of silk and calico." HESOURCEFUL. The bachelor was paying his recently married friend a visit. "Well," said the latter, after they bad inspected the flat, "what do you think of it?" "Pretty good," praised the bachelor, "but there's one thing that hsb struck me as rather strange. Why did you choose a flat with such a tiny kitchen?" The married riiah winked artfully. "You're the first man I've told this to, so keep it quiet," he whispered. "It's so small that I can't get iii there to help my wife when she's doing the washingup." NO THANKS. The caddie approached the golfer he had been carrying for the previous day. "I've got the ball we lo»t yesterday at the ninth hole, sir," he said. ''A mate of mine found it." The golfer itistantly put his hand in his pocket. "I'll ,give you exactly what you gave him for it," he suggested. "No, thanks," said the caddie, backing away. "I gave him a black eye." TOO SHORT. Sam: Hallo, Bill, I 'ear you and some of the lads struck for shorter hours. Bid you get 'em? Bill: We did—we ain't working at all now! WHOA! Dunne: It's one endless tale of woe with Bantry these days. Bunn: Oh, out of work, eh? Dunce: No. He's a horse driver. NOT MS LINE. ' First Traveller (anxious to make conversation with fellow-passenger): Plenty of variety in the news nowadays. How are things going in Ghina? Do you know? Second Traveller (sleepily): No, I dbn't. I travel in oil. WHOSE BOOTS. Sambo borrowed a pair, of rubber t>6et£ from Mose. Time passed and the boots were not returned. They taiet. Said Mose: Sambo, when is you fwihS gimme back them boots ob mine? ''Ah ain't got your boots," answered Sambo. ''Ah traded 'em fora pair of my own." ANOTHER BARK. First Burglar: Hist! What vat that? Was it a dog? Second Burglar: No, it was only me barking my thins against a chair. . FADED HOPES. She had. just returned from her first visit,to a racecourse. '.'Oh, deaf!" she groaned. "I put all my spare money on a jockey wearing a lovely heliotrope blouse!" 'Whatever for?" asked a friend. , "Because," she wailed, "up to now I've always found heliotrope a fast colour." NOW NECESSITIES. Wife: Before we were married you nsed to aend round a dosen roses every week. - Husband: Roses are easy. This week I'm going to send round two tons of coal and a joint of beef. NARROW ESCASB. Briggs, the bachelor, nodded Ms head a trifle thoughtfully. "See that woman over there, Jack?" he said. . "I owe a great deal of my happiness to heft" "Reilly!" said Jack, rather puzzled. "How's tKat!" 'Five years ago I asked her to marry me," explained the other. "Yes, and " asked Jack. "She wouldn't," came the reply in tones .of relief. - . IRISH PRECAUTION. , Mrs. Casey: He sister writes me that every bottle we sent her in that bqx was broken. Are you sure you printed ''This side up with care" on it?" f" Casey: Oi am. An' lest they wouldn't see it on the top, Oi printed it on the bottom as well. WHAT BETTER COURSE. The engagement of a daughter had been announced. A friend, calling, was met at the door by the maid, who announced: No, Miss Alice isn't at home this afternoon—she has gone to the class. "What class?" inquired the visitor. "You know, Miss Alice is going to be married in the spring," explained the maid, "an' she's taking a course in doncstic silence." A MATCH, "Old Tom's going to marry iii* Flighty. She can ride, swim, dance, sing, drive a racing car, and pilot an aeroplane. Real all-rounder." . „ ■ . _ , "They ought to get on fine. Old Tom's quite a good cook." THE tOW-DOWK; "Too bad that Jim and hi* girl aren't good enough for each other." 'What make* yoii say that?" "I've been talking to both families." LITTLE MISS WfcMtER. ' Betty was asked to tell what being happy meant. ,»„,.,, "To be happy," the s*M, "is to feel as if you wanted to give all your things to your little Biiter." OUR CHANGING LANGUAGE. Weary Willie: Things 'as improved these last few years, Tim. Tired Tim! Owzat? Weary Willie: Usett to call us my loafers. Now we're ufortuiltt* Tietitas o' the unparalleled trade depression. A HINT: FOR MBN ONLY* Wife: Please match, this piece of,6ilk for me on your way home today* Will J-ojj? Husband: At the counter wMeri the the beautiful girls work? V Wife (interrupting): No, I suppose you really shouldn't have to shop for me after your work is done, detts On second thoughts, I won't bother you. . THI! NEW CAR. V': ": ' Father: How many miles to a gallon? Mother: What Colour to the npnolttar* inpc? Son: How fast will she go.? „ Daughter: Has it a nice-sbundfng nofn? Neighbours: How can they afford it? NO RECOMMENDATION. The house agent was enthusiastic about the advantage* of thrtWbMowtf *well» ing he was trying' to Sell. '„,''.. ~ „. "The death-rate, you know, he said, is the lowest in the country." , "I quite believe it," MplledfJW prosper tl?e custom^. "I wouldn't be found d6id here myself." To say that Ikey was furious is to c*. press his emotions in a mild form. His" friend found him almost too full for words. Wat is the Matter, yow aak?" h« bailed. "Vy, my small ton ha« to his new shoes, so I tell him to climb stairs two at a time." "Veil?" queried hit frleluf. "Veil?" said Ikey. "No, it it not veil, fle climbs stairs three at a tune, and split his trousers." Two Jews were standing at a street c6tner with a certain air of expectation. Presently a fire engine dafth«d by, whtrfeuhon the men exchanged tignifleant glances. Shortly afterwards another fire engine phased, and then another, and at the passing of each there was a further interchange of meaning looUb between the two men. After a nhovt interval a salvage car sped past. Turning to his companion, onfe of the Jews roared: "Confound the fellows! Vy can't dey, mind their own Wthnith!*! '