Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXV, Issue 111, 13 May 1933, Page 17

Wit and Humour

Teacher: Tommy, can you tell me what | that statue over there stands for?' Tommy: Because it can't sit down! Teacher: What does "silence" mean, Allen?. . . . Allen: Please, teacher, it's What you don't hear when you listen. ■ Percy: I see you arc making a, musical cake, Mummy! Mother: Goodness! Why? Percy: Because I see you are up to "doh, soil fah" (dough, so far). Boy (at zoo): Why has the giraffe such a long neck? ~ Sister: Because his head is so far away. Once a year the newsboys of a certain district of London are taken for an outinp up the Thames by a gentleman of the neighbourhood, where they can bathe to their hearts' content. \ As one little boy was getting into the water, a friend observed: I say, Bill, ain't you dirty!, "Yes," replied Bill. "I missed the train last year."

Old sailor: The worst experience I ever had was when we ran out of port in a galerl- ;i . ';. . '■'~:.■■■.;■'. Old gent: Dear me. I thought sailors always drank rum^ Bobby: The people, of Lo.ndon are noted for their stupidity. Teacher: Wherever did you get that information? Bobby: Frorii this book, miss. It says "The population of London is very dense." "How can. I ever repay you for your kindness to me, doctor?." asked the patient. "By cheque, postal order, or cash," replied the medico. ,'" A competition was held at a London bazaar to see who could produce a trunk with the most labels on.it. A domestic servant won easily. MODERN PROPOSAL. ' "Will you marry me?" "No." "Oh, come on. Be a support." • 1 MISPRINT. Jones had officiated at the opening of a flower show. In this morning paper he read as follows:— -. ' , ' "As Mr. Jones mounted the stage all eyes were fixed on the large red nose he displayed. Only years of patient cultivation could have produced an object of such brilliance." LOCOMOTIVE LOBSTER. A Scptsman was strolling along the quay one day when his dog stopped beside a basketful of live lobsters. Instantly one of the lobsters snapped its claws on the dog's tail, and the surprised collie dashed off down the street yelping. The fishmonger for a moment was speechless with indignation, then, turning to his prospective customer, he bawled: "Mon, mon, whustle to yer dog! Whustle to yer dog." . "Hoots, mon," returned the other, complacenlty, "whustle to your lobster!" ! • THE WAITING LIST. A young man and his sweetheart were discussing "ways and means" one day. The girl's father could not afford a dowry. "We might board with your parents until times get better," the young man suggested hopefully. \ "Not a chance," sighed the girl. "My parents are still boarding with my grandparents." • . WAITER AND WAITRESS. He: I have been waiting to ask- you a question for months. She: I have been wanting to answer it for years. SPLENDID. Policeman: Miss, you were doing sixty miles an hour! She: Oh, isn't that splendid! I only learnt to drive yesterday!

Saleslady: This isi the last word in millinery. ' , •; ■ Mr. Knagg:lf it's the laßt word my wife will have it. "Do your new spectacles help your eyes, Johnny?" asked the neighbour. "Yes'm. I never have black eyes now like I used to before I wore 'em." Would-be Suicide: Don't pull me out; I want to die. Rescuer: And' I want'a medal. You'll have.to let' your dying go until tomorrow. "What has kept you so late?" "I was fixing a new ribbon on my typewriter." "You ought to be ashamed to own up to it. You get rid of her or there'll be trouble!" Mashie: Excuse mo; would you care to make a fourth at bridge? Niblick: Sorry; I don't play bridge. Mashie: Don't play bridge! Then why the deuce did you join a golf club? Bachelor: Sometimes I yearn for the peace and comfort of married life.. Married one: I, always do.

Farmer: Say, stranger, there aren't any fish in that there p"ond. Angler: Why ; did you tell me that? ■You've spoiled my whole afternoon's pleasure. ■ ; Manager: I'm afraid you're not qualified for the job. You don't know anything about my business. " Applicant: Oh; don't.l? Why, I'm engaged to your typist. , "I don't know whether I like this opal ring, George," said the girl. "Opals are supposed to bring bad luck." :. 1 ■ "Don't worry; this one won't," he answered comfortingly. "They are only imitation opals." A SPRING SENSATION, ~ It was Thomas who first discovered it, but his triumphant shout soon brought others to the scene. ' Heedless of the bacon frying on the gas stove, mother forsook her breakfast cooking to hasten to the spot. Scarce pausing to wipe the lather from his chin, father rushed downstairs and into the garden, his dressing gown doing much to add a touch of splendour to the spectacle. Even baby, catching the' excitement, crowed with delight, though he was too youngto realise that the appearance above ground of the first bulb was a great event in the family annals. . WASTED. ; Traffic Policeman: Madam, didn't you see me hold up'my hand?' Lady Driver: I did not Policeman: Didn't you hear me blow my whistle? ' Lady Driver: I didn't. • Policeman: Well, I guess I might as well go horiie. I don't seem to be doing much good here. '.'■'.''. THE PAYING GUEST. / Wife: Good gracious! How could you think of bringing that Mr. Biggin home to dinner when you know I'm spring cleaning? . . Hubby: Hush, my dear! He's the only man I know who can help move the side- . board. , ' ■ • . ■. ■, , ; GONE AWAY, : '[Why is it that lightning never strikes twice in the same place?" "Because ; after it's struck once, the same place isn't there," NO PEDESTRIAN. : Officer: Did you see a pedestrian pass this way a few minutes .ago? Farmer: No, sir. I've'been workin' in this field more'n an hour an' ain't seen a thing but one solitary man pass au' he was ..afoot." . i • SOMETHING BETTER. Irritable Husband (to wife" 'driving a nail): However do you expect to knock ' a nail in the wall with a clothes brush? For goodness sake use your head, dear.

SOMETHING. " ;: Two sailors were shipwrecked. "Say, Bill," said one.of them, "can you pray?" "No," said the other. "Well, can you sing a hymn?" "No." .. . The first sailor thought hard for a moment. ... - r' "Well," he said a: 'length. "We'd better do something religious. Let's have, a collection." '< ■ ' ■ WILLING TO OBLIGE. The vacant-eyed young man was strolling up and down in the park waiting for his lady friend. When he eventually got tired of this he leaned against some nearby railings, ... But he did not lean long. Suddenly, with a cry of horror, he discovered that the railings had been painted recently. "Hi!" he called to the painter; "Why don't you put 'wet paint' on these railings?" . • The painter- looked aghast at the yoimg'man. "Why, sir," he replied, "I be doin' that, bain't I?,". ~... . < ■-.. A SHADOW OF DOUBT. Mrs. Hardface was trailing her diminutive husband round the big store much against his will. Alter purchasing several articles she paused and looked pensive. "Ah," she said at last, "I remember. We want a lamp shade for the drawing-room light." .Presently the article in question caught her eye. "There's the very lamp,shade I wanted!" she cried. "It's two guineas. Don't you think it will do* John?" He shook hit head. "No, my dear," he replied miserably. "I think it's a. shade too dear." A FRAUD. "Take my advice, Mike, and beware when ye go to the Zoo. I went where they said: 'To the Lions and To the Tigers,' and I was all right." "But when I goes to the place where they have the sign: 'To the Exit1 it was all a fraud; for no sooner had I gone in, as I thought, than I found myself outside." POOR EDDIE. "Eddie's feeling fed up today." "Why?" "He took,his girl to Tony's for lunch. While they were dining she discovered a fly in the soup. 'Waiter!' she said, 'remove this insect!' " "Well?" ''They threw Eddie down two flights of steps." A SECOND CHOICE. ' A new system of memory training was being taught in a village, and the teacher was becoming enthusiastic. "For instance," he said, "supposing you want to reirtember the name, of a poet— Bobby Burns. ' Fix in your mind's eye a picture of a policeman in flames., SeeBobby Burns?" "Yes, I see," said a bright pupil. "But how is anyone to know it does not mean Robert Browning?" HE KNEW. "Dad, today I was the only boy in the class who could answer teacher's question." "Good! What was the question?" '' 'Who broke the classroom window?'" SHE KNEW. Husband (to wife): Why are you dating that letter the loth? It's only the 12th. Wife: Because I am going to ask you to' post it, dear. UNLIKELY. Solicitor (to witness in a motoring case): Was defendant alone in the car? Witness: No;, there was a lady with him. Solicitor: Perhaps he was looking at her instead of where he was going. Witness: No, he wasn't. It was his wife. DISCRETION. . Her father: Well, well, it's a pleasure to meet my daughter's fiance. I want you to make yourself at home here. Her Fiance: Thanks a lot, but I think it would look better if I moved' in after the ceremony. MAKE YOUR OWN. "What on earth is that?" "This, my dear, is a barometer—a present from Jack." "Oh, I've heard of them. Isn't the dear boy tliougntful? Which way do we screw it when we want the weather to be fine?" DOUBLE TEST Foreman (testing wall of new house): I'm speaking quictlv, Bill. Can you hear me? Bill (on other side): 'Ear you? Lummc, I can see you in three places. QUITE RIGHT. Husband: I like the now cook. She's got some "go" in her. Wife: She certainly has —she's gone. A SOUND REASON. Jean: Mabel says she likes the tone of Percy's voice. June: Yes, she thinks there's a ring in it. ...,.■... .... ...... .~. ~. ... ... A BIT THICK. ... Political Speaker: I'm pleased to see this dense crowd here tonight! Voice from' Back: Don't be too pleased; we ain't all dense! ~,..-■ CAREFUL. "Would you say 'yes' if I asked you to' marry me?" he asked cautiously. "If I should say 'yes,' " u she replied with equal caution, "would you ask me?" HOW TO. DO IT? Mr. Biggs: I believe a secret of health lies in eating onions. Mr. Jiggs: Yes, but how are you going to keep it a secret? THE CHATTERING SOUND. He was doing about fifty, and the car began to sway. "Sorry, old man," lie said to the very nervous passenger, "Just when we begin to get going we've got to stop. The engine is pinking something dreadfully." "Is it?" muttered the man unaccustomed to motors. "Yes; why, can't you hear that throbbine, knocking, chattering sound?" "That's my teeth chattering," murmured the unhappy passenger. A FREE FEED. •' The costermongcr smiled happily at the thought that his donkey was enjoying a free meal. "You're a good little girl to bo so kind to a dumb friend," he eaid. "But who gave you those carrots?" , The good little girl'also smiled happily. "I took them .from the back of your barrow," she said simply. SHE WONDERED. ■ Young Daughter (to visitor): Is it fight-what mother says—that you are a self-made man, Mr. Brown? Mr, Brown: Yes, my dear. But what makes you ask? Young Daughter: I was only wondering what made- you give yourself such a funuy facet STUMPED! The- young son of the house went into tho drawing-room where the young man was waiting to take out his sister. . "Oh, Mr. Tubb," the youngster said, "what cricket club do you belong to?" The young man looked puzzled. "Im afraid I don't belong to any," he replied. "Why do you ask?" . "That's funny," replied tha boy. "I just heard my sister tell mother that you were a good 'catch.'" / LOOKING AHEAD. "George," said Mrs. Newlywed, running into the room, "Just look what a bargain I have got: from the jumble sale!" and she displayed a huge brass plate bearing the name O'Halloran. "Just think of it; it only cost me Is." "Yes, dear," said Jier husband, "but what use is that to us, bince our name is Jones?" "But," said his wife, "just let us suppose dear, that you should die, and then if I were to marry a man named O'Halloran, what a bargain it would bet. Look how much I would have laved,1 *