Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXV, Issue 105, 6 May 1933, Page 19

Wit and Humour

Husband (in the early■ morning): It fiuist be time to get up. Wife: Why? - Husband: Baby's fallen asleep.

"Madam, I can do nothing whatever for you," gravely announced the doctor. "Oh, doctor, how awful!" said the woman in a panic. "Whatever is the matter with me?" , . "Nothing!"

They had bought a second-hand ear and were taking their first trip in it. After covering several miles the driver became aware that something was amiss. He stopped the car. "1 say, my dear," he said to his wife, "have a look at the tires on j'riur side and tell me if there's anything wrong with them." "Oh, it's quite all right," she 6aid,' after a careful scrutiny, "The rear one's flat at the bottom, but its round enough at the top."

Smith (lookingl up from his newspaper): I say, John, what U the Order of the' Bath? Brown: Well, aa I've experienced it, it'e first the water's too hot; thea it's too cold; then you're short of a towel; then you step on the soap, and, finally, the telephone bell rings.

Mary: You can't imagine bow keen the men were to dance with me. Anne: No, you have a much more vivid imagination than I have.

r Mrs, Newlywed: Well, Stanley, how do you like my Christmas pudding? Mr. Newlywed: Dearest, it ia just like the pudding that my father used to say was not like hie mother used to make!

HARD TIMES,

One mouse to another: "I think, we've reached the bottom oE the- depression. They're putting' soap in the mousetraps instead of cheese."

THE ULTIMATUM.

He had not paid the last instalment.for hia mother-in-law's funeral, and the undertaker was losing patience with him. "See here," he said, "if that money isn't paid by-Saturday, up she comes!"

HE UNDERSTOOD.

Mr. Meek: So you've broken off your engagement with Mr. Flighty?- - Miss Meek: Yes, dad; I want a husband who has seen the sorrows and trials of life. Mr. Meek (very much henpecked): Ah! I understand—a widower!

ON THE OTHER SIDE!

"What is youc fiancee'g father, Mr. Stone Broke?" "He's a member of Parliament." "What party does he belong to?" "Opposition, so far as I am concerned, I'm afraid!"

PAST GLORIES,

Reproduced by permission of the Proprietors'of "Punch." "We have called really, Vicar, to ask your advice. My sister and I think of trying cremation."

THE JAM.

teacher (to boy's mother): Why, whit's the matter? Is Johnuy ill? Mother: Yen. You asked him how long it would take him to eat 20 apples if it took half a minute to eat one apple—and he got stuck ou the fifteenth.

CRUSHING.

For some time the spectator had been criticising the referee's decisions. At last the official became exasperated, and, going over to the offender, said:—' "Here, my man! Who's ,refereeing this match, you or I?" "Neither!" was the crushing reply*

NO- FUNDS.

Brent: Tilter boasts that no living man could forge his ■ name successfully to a cheque and get it cashed. Has he cucb a very peculiar signature? Grant: No. But he hasn't any money in the bank.

EASILY.

New Boarder: The landlady is very thoughtful. Although I arrived late for dinner, she saved the tenderest part of the chicken. Old Boarder (suspiciously): What was it? The gravy.

A WARNING.

During' his first tour of the office, the new chief was stopped by an old clerk. "Do you know, sir," he said, "I have been with this firm for forty year*, and during all that time have made only one mistake?" "I congratulate you," said the new chief, "but in future please be more careful."

A WEIGHT OFF HER MIND.

She was one of those nervous passengers that are such a curse to the officers on a chip. "Oh, captain," the qnavered, "what would happen if the ship struck aa iceberg?" "The iceberg would go on as if nothing had happened, madam," replied the captain. "Oh, thank you, so much!" gasped the lady. "I feel so much relieved now!"

PUT ASIDE.

A man looking at some neckties tossed due or two aside rather contemptuously. Lingering after having made his purchase, he noticed that the clerk put those he had so positively rejected in a separate box. "We have orders to keep such tie* apart from the others," the clerk explained; "that is, after they have been turned down by several customers, as these have been." "What becomes of them?" inquired the other. "We sell them to the women who come in here to buy ties for men," was the reply.

AN "ALSO RAN."

Husband (at the races): Let me back] one more horse. I promise it'll be the last. Wife (gloomily): It usually is. i

POLITICAL NOTE.

Political Speaker: What we need is a working majority and then Voice: Better reverse it, mister. What we need is a majority working.

BANANAS TODAY.

It was a bitterly cold day, and the hawker pushing his barrow was not feeling in the best of tempers. ■% Presently an old lady came out of a' house and beckoned to him. He stopped. "H'm," she murmured, after gazing at his stock for some time, "not much here." She picked up a bunch of bananas. "Not ripe," she sniffed. " 'Course they're ripe," returned the hawker with some warmth. "I tell you they're not," she persisted. "They are hard to skin." The hawker gasped. "Crikey," he ajaculated, "what do you expect' for three for tuppence—bananas with rip fasteners?"

"NOT SO."

Tourist, in lovely ruyal spot: No doubt you get many visitors here seeking peace and beauty? i Inhabitant: Well, sir, moit o' the oies 1 meet isseekin''tea and petrol.

FANCIED HERSELF.

The actress whose engagement had just been announced was receiving the eongra»' tulations of her friends at a party. One of them said to the radiant girl, "I hope you are going to be very happy/* The bride-to-be smiled. "Of course I am, Robert adores me, and so do I."

ORDERLY SEQUENCE.

Instructor (giving- first lesson to lady driver): This is the gear shift; down there is the brake, and over here is the clutch. Lady Driver: Let's take one thing at a time; teach me to drive first.

THE GUN AND THE BORE.

Some recruits were undergoing musketry instruction on the barrack-square when the sergeant-major noticed that one of them waa paying very little attention to what he was saying. Striding up to the indifferent one, the tergeant snatched the man's rifle- away md proceded to give him a lecture on the mechanism. The recruit listened without showing the slightest interest, and at last the ser-geant-major cried:— "Do you understand what I'm saying? You look as) dull as ever. What was your trade before you joined the army?" "Gunsmith," waa the bored reply.

RETURNED WITH INTEREST.

A fussy woman passenger on a train, as a climax to a hundred foolish questions, asked the guard: "Why do you wave your hand when you want the train to start?" "Oh," replied the exasperated guard, "when I wave my hand that means 'Get to blazes out of here!'" Someone who overheard the guard's* answer warned him that the woman was the wife of a director. "Oh, heavens!" exclaimed the guard in great alarm. "I'd better apologise." He paused at the woman's carriage, took off his hat, and began hit apology. The lady said nothing. She just waved her band!

IN THE DARK,

A man greatly esteemed by his employers informed the cashier that a mistake had been made in his wages. Be had been given tea dollars too much, be explained. The cashier, after counting the contents of the envelope, Baid it waß correct, his wages having been increased by instructions from the management. "How long have I been having this?" was the nest inquiry of the man —a husband, and the proud father of two children. "The alteration was made three months ago," rejoined the cashier after * glance at bis books. "The cat!" ejaculated the man. "And she never told me!"

THE DIFFERENCE.

"Pa, what's the difference between a statesman and a politician?" "A statesman, my son, wants to do .something for his country; a politician wants his country to do something for him."

KINSHIP.

'"Robert," said the teacher, to drive home the lesson which was on charity and kindness. "If I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him from doing so, what virtue would I be showing?" /'Brotherly love," said Bobby. I

JUST CARRY BRICKS.

"Well," said Pat's friend, "how do you like your new job?" "It's the foinest I've ever known," he returned. "And what do you have to do?" asked Mike. "I've nothing at all to do," said the other. "I just carries a load of bricks up the ladder to the bricklayer and he does all the work."

A GENEROUS NEPHEW.

"Those poor little boj's next door have no mummy or daddy, and no dear Aunt Emma," said a mother to her little son. "Now, wouldn't you like to give them something—just a little present?" "Yes, rather," he replied quickly. "Let's give them Aunt Emma."

FASHION.

Wife: Hurry up, can't you? I simply must go out and show off ■my new fur coat. . Hubby: Wait a minute. I simply must cut the fringe off my coat cuff.

1N T TRAINING

One wet and wintry.rlighj;' a farinerieame across a ntfgro shivering; in a.-doorway of the village store. Wondering what he could be doing standing in such a draughty place, the farmer said: Jim, what are you doing here? '"Sense me; sir," said ■'the negro, "but I'm gwine to sing bass tomorrow morning at church, and I'm trying to catch a cold."

DIG O$E UP,. PERHAPS ?

"I'm going to write a book and entitle it "The Garden," said the author. "In that case," replied his'friend wittily, "you'll need a good plot."

HFS BOOKMARK

Teacher: "Where are you up to in your studies, Jones?" Jones: "Just as far as the book is dirty, sir."

PER MISTAKE.

Old Lady (who believes she is growing, deaf): "There, you've bin talking for ten minutes and I haven't heard a word you've said." Old Man: "Haven't bin talking. It's chewiug gum."

HIS MISTAKE.

The passenger, leaned out of the. taxi window. "What on earth arc you doing?" he cried indignantly to the driver. "I asked you to drive ma from, Victoria to Leicester Square, and this is the fourth time we've passed St. Paul's." "I'm so sorry, srr," replied the driver, "I thought you were a sightseer."

TOMMY'S SMILE,

"Aren't you ashamed of scowling co, Willie? Just see what a sweet expression Tommy Jones is wearing." "Well, he has to wear it. tie has just thrown a stone through the draper's window, and he's waiting now to make the draper believe it was done by a little boy in a blue suit who ran down the street!"

STAND AND DELIVER.

I loved a,. sweet shopgirl, ,Aud she was a queen, As lovely a maiden ■• .As* my eyes have seen. But now that we're married, I think; I was rash; Whenever' she sees me', . , .She.aljyays yells "Cash!" •

GENEROSITY,

Wfiili3,out for a walk with hisf little son, the angler bumped /into some of his cronies. „ : "BoySi",he said, "I caught ;thie biggest fish of my career lafit nightf It was a base, and what a whopper! Believe me or believe me not, it weighed six pounds and three ounces." Envious* looka ci'ept into the faces of his friends. Then the little ;boy chirped up. "Yes," he said, "arid Daddy was so kind. He gave it to Tiggles, our cat."

ESCAPE OF GAS,

A man in a railway carriage'who wanted to read his newspaper bore with patience the incessant chatter of his neighbour, until'he could endure it no longer. Looking at his garrulous friend" over the top of his paper, he said: "For heaven's/ sake shut up, old man. Why, you're like the K33." "Like the K33?" said the loquacious traveller. "Why, whatever do you" mean?" "I mean," retorted his friend, "that the rent under your nose lets the gas out." .

AN AID TO MEMORY.

Jinke was .always complaining of. "his. wife's memory. "She can never remember anything," he said: "It's awful!" "My wife wa» juet as bad," said Brown, "till I found a capital recipe." "What was.it?" asked Jinks eagerly. "Why," said Brown, "whenever there's anything particular I want the missus to remember, I write it on a slip o£ paper and gum it on the looking glaas." Jinks is now a contented man.

A. FORTNIGHT. OFF.

A small-part ictor'uaed to haunt the' agent's office, saying, "Anything doing for me today, Ted?" And Ted would respond: "Sorry,' Charlie, nothing today." ' A« the weeks went by, words became superfluous. Charlie would look in, lift his eyebrows inquiringly, and Ted would ghake his head. . ' This went on 1 for about twelve months. Then one day Charlie broke silence. He strode in, saying: "Oh, by the way, Ted; don't book me for anything during the next fortnight. I've decided to take a holiday."

DRAMA.

An English class was given the task of writing four lines of dramatic poetry. One boy wrote: — . ' "A boy was walking down the track: The train was coming fasti The boy stepped off the railway track To let the. .train go past." The effort was returned with the comment that there was no drama; it was too commonplace. After long concentration, our author submitted the following: "A boy was walking" down the track, . The train was, coming fast, • ■' •■ • The train jumped off the railroad track To let the boy go past." .

UNNECESSARY.

Brown had brought his young sou to London to see the sights, and towards the end of a. long-day was dragging his fourteen stone up the steps of the Monument. Long before they reached the top, the father was regretting that he had allowed his son to persuade him to undertake such a tiring climb. "Look, father!" exclaimed the boy when they had reached the top. "Isn't that a grand sight down there?" "Well," puffed Brown, "if it's so grand down there, what in the name of all that's wonderful did you drag me up here for?"

IMAGINATION.

A famous painter was walking down a London etreet one day when lie saw a i.pavement avtist drawing a large fish. I "What sort of fislx is that?" asked the ' painter. "A shark, sir," was the reply. "Have you ever seen a shark?" "No, sir." "Then how can you draw a ishark if you've never seen one?',' persisted the famous painter. .-.'.■. ' < "Well, sir," replied the other, "don't some of them Academy blokes paint angels?"

SNAPPY

"Do you happen to be going far, sir?" said the inquisitive traveller to the man in the corner seat, after having, reduced everyone else in the compartment to silent frenzy. "Oh, no—only to Kalgoorlie," replied the other sarcastically. "I'm a. commercial traveller. My age is 46. I'm married, and my name is Thomas Brown. I've a son of 19, and my father, who was on the Stock Exchange, died last July. My mother is still living, and I've a niece with red hair. Our maid's name is Jane Briggs. Anything else?" The inquisitive man hesitated. "What oil do you use for your tongue?" he inquired slowly.

THE MIRACLE.

In a' North County English town there wns yi. young curate who seldom had any money, for the reason was that any appeal for alms was sure to leave him. with empty pockets. One morning he'was accosted by au old woman of the parish, who begged him for the love of Heaven, to give her a copper or two. "I haven't a penny piece, Mary," said hi 9 reverence. : "Feel in your pockets and make Sure," persisted Mary. "It's no use," replied'his reverence, "my pockets are empty." "Well, just try," pressed the woman, "shure God is good." To convince her.the young pviest felt in his pockets, and to his amazement pulled out half a crown. In a stupefied way he handed the coin to the old woman, and went home marvelling at the "miracle." Eeaching the presbytery, he went up to his parish priest and told him of the wonderful occurrence. His practical senior, looked him over, and then said: "Haven't I told you to be more careful., There you are, with my best trousers on acauii"