Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXV, Issue 94, 22 April 1933, Page 17

Wit and Humour

Casual acquaintance (at health resort): I am down here because there is something wrong with my system. Punter (sadly): I'm down here for the same reason.

"Prisoner, do you plead guilty or'not guilty?" ,:•...•: "Not guilty. : . "Have you ever, been in prison before?' "No, your Worship. This is the'first time I ever stole anythiri'." . ■ ~

Gent, sitting (in tram): What is your little boy crying for? Gent, standing (strap hanging): Nothin' 'E allus cries when 'c sees me 'oldin' a strap.

The young barrister in a harrying crossexamination of.' a landlady was. trying to discredit her residential in the eyes of tha jury. She spoke of certain lodgers who never went out at night, and the barrister.pounced on her at once. "A queer set of people seem to live in your house, madam," he said. "Are they in training for monks, or is there some reason for hiding themselves 'from the public?" "No, Rir," replied the landlady. "They aye- studying for tho law."l

Mrs. Ncxtdoor: My daughter has arranged a little piece for the piano. Old Grump: Good! It's about time we had a little peace!

The Wobbly One: Offieher, did you shee' mo f—fall? ' . p. , - Officer: Yes. -~ '«' J The W. 0.: Had, youi,'e<'er gh—sheen mci before? ' '■■ ."-'',•'■ Officer: No.' ''~•'" ' ' The W. 0.: Then how-'d—did you know it washz me? ,

"Don't j-ou find'it hard these times to meet expenses?",, " ' ; "Hard? Man alive! I,jncet expenses at every tutn1." ', '

Doctor (feeling Sandy's pulse): What do you, drink? Sandy (with brightening face): Oh, I'm nae particular, doctor. Anything you've got with ye.

Angty woman: My husband attempted to strike me. I want to have him arrested. Police: All right. Where will we find him? Angry woman: In the emergency hospital.

Tourist (in village store1): Whaddya got in the shape of automobile tires? Saleslady: Funeral wreaths, life preservers, invalid cushions, and doughnuts.

A young man—an only son —married against the wishes of his parents. Soon atterwards, in telling a friend how to break the news to them, he suggested:— "Start off by telling them I am deadthen, work up gradually to the climax."

"Did the new maid come today, my deal'?" "Yes, but flip wouldn't stay because there was no room in the garage for her car."

Pat with shotgun in hand was on a still hunt for small game. Looking nervously behind him he beheld a monster grizzly bear stopping to examine Pat's tracks in the enow. ' "An' if it's tracks ye're after," shrieked Pat, "I'll make ye a few."

Caller: Nellie, is your mother in? Nellie: No, mother, is shopping. Caller: When will she'return? Nellie (loudly): Mother, what shall 1 say now?

Automobile Dealer: This machine we guarantee can be stopped,in three lengths going tit full speed. Prospective Purchaser: Uin-m-m! Which side up?

"What salary; do you expect?" asked the. prospective employer. ;,,...: ~.,.'. "At first," was the modest reply, "just enough to,live on." "You expect too much; I can't use you."

"Jimmie, your .face is dirty again this morning," exclaimed the teacher. "What would you say if I came to school every day with a dirty face?" "Huh," grunted Jimmie, "I'd be too perlite to say anything."

! Lady: Do you know where Tommy White j lives? ./ Boy: Yes'm. But he ain't home. If ! you give me a penny I'll find him for you. Lady: All right. Here you are. Wnere is he? I Boy: I'm him.

Head of the house (roaring with" rage): AVho . told you to put that paper on the wall? ..'■■.•■ ; Decorator: Your wife, sir. .."...' Head of the house (subsiding) :. Pretty, isn't it? ' :' . . - '■■■'."' ~'

After sitting comfortaby in a car reading your paper, you should I6ok up and discover that the tall, handsome woman of middle age who had been hanging on to a strap in front of you for the past ten minutes was the mother of the girl you were nerving yourself up to propose to that evening, what would you do?

"Did anybody comment on the way you handled your new car?" "One man made a brief remark, "Two poundi and costs." ' '

i "Are you fond of indoor sport*,' Miss , Mabel?" I "Yes, if they know when to go homel."

A struggling young poet called on the editor of a provincial newspaper. He was met by the office boy. "I want to see the editor," said the poet. "Sorry, the editor is in Africa shooting lions," said the boy. The poet gasped. "Impossible!" he said. "I saw him through the window as I came along." "Yes, but he saw you first," the other blandly replied.

"I must have £30 by tonight, or I'll shoot myself! Can you help me?" "Sorry, I haven't a gun!"

Mrs. Somebody: Now, gardener, I want you to be finished early today, because I'm having a garden party this afternoon. Gardener: Right-oh, missus. 11l knock off about midday, and that'll give nic plenty of time to go 'ome and get tidied up for it."-

A bachelor who was thinking of committing matrimony, decided to write to his married brother for some advice and in due time recciTßd tb« fcJlowinu letter: "Every man should marry. A wife is the dearest possession, especially if you have one like mine. A wife soothe* your troubles, doubles your joys, and helps in every way— "P.S.—My wife has just gone out..You fool, stay single."

Friend:. This is a nice studio you have. Is the rent high? .■ ■ Artist: I don t remember.

"I ( say, Hodge, why do you always put 'dictated' on your letters? You don t keep a stenographer." '"No; but to tell the truth, old chap, my spelling's exceedingly rocky."

"That lawyer of mine has a nerve." "Why so?1' '"Listen to this item in his bill: 'For waking up in the night and thinking over your case, £3.' " j

"Do you know you're growing handsome, hubby?" "Yes, it's a way I have when it gels ariywhere near your birthday."

"I've been reading an article on electric-1 ity, William," said his wife as «he laid i down the technical magazine, "and it appears that before long we shall get pretty near everything we want by just touching a button." "It will not pay here!" said friend husband. "You will never be able to get anything that way." "Why not, William?" '"Because nothing would ever make you touch a button. Look at my shirt."

"What's your idea of'clean sport?" "Swimming."

She: Why do they paint the inside of a chicken coop? Ifc: To keep the hens from picking the grain out of the wood.

''That sermon you preached the other Sunday on thrift had a great effect on me," said Griggs to his minister.' '"I went out before the collection.".

Why does a fellow's nose always itch when his fingers get greasy? ,

Victim: What has happened? Where am I? Doctor: You have been injured in an accident. But, cheer ■ up—you will recover. - Victim: How much?

! Guest, to Hotel Clerk: Have you a room ' i with running water? Clerk: We did have, but we repaired the roof last autumn. Three Scotchmen went to church, each clutching tightly the penny he intended to contribute when the plate was 'passed. Consternation reigned when the minister announced that this particular Sunday an effort would be made to raise the mortgage and asked every member of the congregation, to make a substantial offering. During the prayer the Scots held a whispered consultation as to the 'solution of their dilemma and reached a satisfactory solution. One fainted and the others carried him' out.

Lady: Here, my poor fellow, is a shil-, ling for you. It must-be awful to be lame, but I think it's worse to be blind. Expert: You bet it is,' mum. When I was blind they was always handin' me counterfit money.

Physician: Tell your wife not to worry about her slight deafness, as it is -merely an indication of advancing years. Mr. Meek: Doctor, would you mind telling her yourself? ■ ' "Cheer up, old man! There's other j fish in the sea." j .Rejected Suiter: Yes, but the last one took ail my bait!

"Is your husband a sound sleeper?"' "Indeed he ie, doctor. You can hear him 'all over the house."

"They, say people of opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages." "Yes, that's why I'm looking for. a girl with money."

Old Gentleman' (in street car): Has anyone here dropped a roll of notes, with a rubber band around them? "Yes, I have," cried a dozen. Old Gent (calmly): Well, I just picked up the band,