Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXV, Issue 65, 18 March 1933, Page 17

Wit and Humour

It was a Frenchman who, contentedly laying his head upon a stone jar for a pillow,, replied to one who inquired if it was not rather havd: "Not at all, for I have stuffed it with hay."

Schoolmaster: This makes the fifth time I have punished you this week. What have you to say? Bobby: I'm jolly glad it's Friday-, sir.

McTavish was muttering to himself when Murphy approached and inquired what the matter was.

"That extravagant son of mine has bought one of they typewriters while Ah've been awa' fra' hame," he burst out. do you know?" asked Murphy. "Wha, look here. Ah got a typewritten telegram fra' him this- verra mornin'."

Gunn, the big game hunter, was telling his stay-at-home wife all about his encounter with the tiger, and how he had finally shot it.

"Yes," he wound up, "it was a case of the tiger or myself."

She looked up at him proudly. "I'm so glad it was the tiger," she sweetly replied, "otherwise we wouldn't have had this lovely rug."

"I have a couple of my husband's old shirts for you. They need a little darning here and there, though," the lady told the swaggie. x

"Thanks, lady," he coolly replied. "I don't mind waiting for a while. I don't suppose you'll take long?"

Mother: If you wanted to go fishing, why didn't you ask me*

Reggie: Because I wanted to go fishing.

Just as the dentist was leaving his surgery the telephone bell rang. He answered it and found that it was a. patient waiting to come that afternoon. "I'm afraid I can't give you an appointment for this -.' afternoon," > the dentist replied; "I have eighteen cavities to fill." And he hung up the receiver and picked up his golf-clubs. "I want to study law." "To be a barrister?" "No, a crook." There came a loud knock on the door. The doctor, who had just settled himself on a sofa to have a nap, got to his feet. "What is it?"'he asked the man at the door. "I've been bitten by a dog," said the man unhappily. "Well, don't you know that my hours of consultation are between twelve and three?" said the medical man, sharply. _ "Yes," groaned the patient miserably," "but. the dog that did it didn't know. He bit me at twenty to four." Mrs. Brown was visiting the house of her friend where the baby was a fortnight old. She was nearsighted, and stooped to the cradle, where the Persian cat lay fast asleep while the baby was absent. She exclaimed: "Oh, what a beautiful childjust the picture of its daddy." "How do you like school?" asked a father of his little daughter, after her first clay. "I like it awfully!" was the reply.. "And what did you learn today?" inquired the interested parent. "Oh, a lot," replied the little daughter. "I've learned the names of all the boys." Old Lady (going up for her first ride in an aeroplane): "Oh, you'll bring me back all right, won't you?" "Yes, ma'am," replied the pilot. "I've never left anybody up there yet!" "Witness stated that the workshops of watchmakers were usually very untidy."— This shouldn't be, for they are springcleaning all the year round. "I know how to settle this unemployment problem," said the club wag. "If we put all the men of the world on one island and all' the women on another, we d have everybody busy in no time." "Well, what would they be doing?" "Why, boat building." | Uncle Ben was a bachelor, but was full of enthusiasm for his" married friends, and when his brother-in-law invited him for a weekend to see his son and heir, he gladly accepted. It was an education to watch the old gentleman's efforts to amuse the six-months-old child. He would tickle it almost into convulsions. Finally he gave it his watch fo play with. Then peace reigned. And thus the mother found baby and bachelor. Good gracious! she exclaimed excitedly. Look! Baby's got the watch in his mouth. He 11 swallow it. Take it out or he'll choke. Don't be alarmed, replied Uncle Ben. Ive got hold of the chain. It can't <*o far! Two doctors, one old and the other young, were discussing their profession. Years and years ago, commenced the older man, back in the days when I was first given a practice, I was very poor. Day after day, week after week, I used to sit in my little surgery waiting for patients. In fact, I sat there like Patience on a monument. I

The younger man nodded. And now, sir, he suggested deferentially, you have monuments on your patients.

He was notoriously mean, and would always get his medical advice free if the doctor wasn't on his guard. One day he met him in the street. "Halloa, doctor," he said.i "Nice weather, isn't it? Going'to the cricket tomorrow, or are you too busy? By the way, I wanted to ask "you—what would you give a chap for a sore.throat?" The doctor knew his man.

"Nothing," he said. "I don't happen to want a sore throat, thanks."

After hearing the long, eloquent speech of her lawyer in the breach of promise action the fair client burst into tears. "I should never have known," she wailed, "how much I'd suffered if I Jiadn't heard it today." . •

As soon as Wiggs turned the wireless on he heard a voice say slowly, "5-4-3-5-9." Dancing about with excitement, he shouted to his wife: "Emily, Emily! We've won a prize! Now we'll buy that "

But the voice was continuing: "That was the score at the adjournment—five wickets for 359."

A two-foot rule was given to a labom-er to measure an iron plate. The laiourer, after much time, returned. "Now, Mick," asked the plater, "what is the size?"

"Well," replied Mick, "it is the length of your rule and two thumbs over, with this piece of. brick and the . breadth o£ my arm from here to here, bar a finger."

The fair young motorist puQled her car up. at the garage and beamed sweetly at the proprietor. Do you charge batteries here? she asked. The nian touched his cap politely, xes madam, he replied: Oh good!, she replied. TKen -will you put a new one m'this car and charge it ■to toy husband. Mrs. Jinks: George; whatever made ypu put that bad halfcrown- in the plate.' Mr. Jinks: Oh, that was all right, my dear. The collection was for the heathen and you don't expect those chaps are going to tell the difference between that and a good one,"do you? Browne: I say, old man, here's that halfcrown I borrowed from you two years ago. ' . Greene: H'm-m—l'm. not sure that it's worth while changing my opinion of you tor a mouldy halfcrown! "What's that you're putting in your pocket?" asked Murphy. ' - "Dynamite," whispered Donovan "I'm waiting for Casey. Every time he meets me he slaps me on the chest and breaks ray pipe. Next time he does it he'll blow his hand off." They met at the Christmas party After a while they became more friendly' and the young man decided to put the great question to her. "You look," he said in a burst of confadence, you look just the sort of sensible girl I'd like to marry." She smiled coyly. , "Nothing doing, old sport," she replied. Im just as sensible as I look." A woman who had invited three others for an evening V bridge received a telephone message at the last moment that one of her (;uests could not come. So she asked her husband if he would make the fourth. "All right, dear," he isaid, "just wait until I dress." you're already dressed, darling." No, I've still got to put on my shinguards." " "What's the price of the cheapest tickets for tonight's concert?" asked a •bcotsman, who was on a visit to London with his family, of a clerk in the Queen's Hall booking office. "I'm sorry," said the clerk. "We've nothing but five-shilling seats left." "Ma conscience!" said the Scot. That's awfu' expensive. Still, it's but anee in a lifetime—Ah'll tak the five." "I'm no' sending any Christmas or New Year gifties tae ma rektions this Christmas," said the artful Andrew. "But why not?" asked his friend 'Surely they'll be expecting something." Andrew shook his head. "No, I've seen to that," he replied. "They'll no' he expecting' anything. I wrote an' told them I was suffering from loss of memory—an' to make sure they'd believe it I forgot to pit ony stamps on the letters." Mrs. Newlywed: Well, Stanley, how do you like my Christmas pudding? Mr. Newlywed: Dearest, it is just like the pudding that my father used to say was not like his mother used to make! The candidate was unsparing in his criticism of his opponent, and his audience was growing somewhat restless over his bombastic attitude. "So," he was saying, "I ask you how much longer you are going to put up with this bunkum?" And a big man in front, who appeared to express the feelings of most of the others, replied, "We'll give you just five "more minutes."

Sun bathing: Ignorance is blisters. Wife: Baby has drunk the ink. What shall I do? Husband: Write in pencil. "When you were a plumber were you in the habit of forgetting your tools?" "I don't remember." Shopkeeper: Don't buy anything from the shop next door today. His Wife: Why not? Shopkeeper: They've borrowed our scales. Mother-in-Law; I'm late. ■ Did you think I was lost, Horace?. Horace: No, I never was an optimist. Harry: Darling, you are the breath of my life. Hilda: Well, why don't sou hold your breath! Spinster (to curate): Do you remember you said in your sermon last Sunday that constant dripping would wear away a stone? Curate: Indeed: I do! Spinster: Well, I've had it with every meal since, and it's done nothing but put on weight. ■ "Those two fellows are having a battle of wits." "Oh, a sham fight!" Vera: You seem to like Jim's attentions. Why don't you marry him? Alice: Because I like his attentions. Sirs. B.: They say Mrs. Jones plays golf just like a man. Mrs. C: She should be ashamed to use such language. Judge (in dentist's chair): Do you swear you'll pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth? "Smith's wife thinks the world of her husband." J'Does she?" "Yes. She even believes the parrot taught him to swear." Visitor: Are you troubled with fruit pests? ' Orchardist: No. You see, I'm back well off the road. Club Bore: And how did you get on with frostbite? Did you have your ears affected at all? Arctic Explorer (fed up with questions): Oh, no. You see, I arranged with people to talk scandal behind my back —that kept them warm. "And what happens to little boys who tell lies?" asked the benevolent old gentleman. "They get in for half-price," replied the young sporting enthusiast. The hostess was obliged to leave her guest for an hour, and when she returned she made profuse apologies. "It was awful of me to leave you alone like that." "Indeed, no," was the reply. "It was quite a pleasure, really." Daughter: If I pass the elementary examination I am going to study biology, psychology, and physiology. Father: Urn—that.is all very well; but I recommend washology, cookology, and sewology. Sergeant (addressing platoon): • Any. man here know anything about music? Recruit: Yes, sergeant. Sergeant: Then you can go and shift the piano into the officers' mess. The wife wrote from a fashionable hotel: "Dear John, I enclose the hotel bill." John responded: "Dear Mary, I enclose cheque to cover the hill, but please don't buy any more hotels at this figure; they are cheating you." ' Mother (at party): Will you have some bread and butter, Willie? . ... Willie: Bread and butter! I thought this was a party! Counsel (exploding): My friend, you are an ass. Witness (unperturbed): Do you mean, sir, that I am your friend because I am an ass, or an ass because I am your friend? Customer: And do you recommend this sleeping mixture? ■ Chemist: Yes, sir. We give an alarm clock with every bottle. An old Scotsman bought a wireless set, and his friend went round a short time afterwards to inquire how he liked it. "Well," said Donald, "ifs all right to listen to. but them bulbs are nae good to read by.'-' . . Angry Customer: Look here, my man, that honey you sold me was full of hairs. Shopman: H'm, yes, ma'am; you see it comes straight from the comb. The son of the house crept-silently into the drawing-room, where the young man was waiting to take out his sister. "Oh; Mr. Tubbs," he said, "what cricket club do you belong to?"-' The young man looked puzzled. "I'm afraid I don't belong to any," he replied. "Why do you ask?" "That's funny," replied the boy. ■ "I Just heard my sister tell mother that you were a good catch." Bill looked as though he were in trouble. "Had an accident?" he wa9 asked. "No," was the reply. "I told Jack he could not carry me up the ladder on his back, and I was right." Seaside Landlady: How are the hoarders setting on, Emily? Maid: Fine, ma'am. They've all decided to stay another week now you're ill. "So you're married?" "Yes. we began by saying we -would just be v great friends, then we changed our minds." Wife (to husband setting seeds): "Ernest, dear, can't you make out you're doing something else? Two birds have been watching you intently for the last twenty minutes." House owner: I'm glad you are not complaining about the plaster falling. Tenant: It's all down now. The man who had been acquitted of the charge of attempting to pass a valueless cheque was settling with his solicitor. "Now, just say the amount, and I'll pay you right away." "Ten guineas," answered the legal man; then as his client pulled out a cheque book he hastily added, "I'd rather have it in cash, if you don't mind." Traffic policeman: As soon as I saw you come round the bend I said, "Forty-five at least." Lady driver: It's this old hat that makes me look that, constable. Doctor: > The best thing for you to do is to stop drinking and smoking, go to bed early, and get up early in the morning. Patient (after consideration): Say, doc, I don't think I'm worthy of the best. What's second choice? I Mrs. Henpeck: You're kinder to dumb animals than you are to me. Henpeck: Well, you try being dumb and you'll see how kind I'll be. Surgeon: I'll sew that scalp wound for ten guineas. Patient: I say, doctor, I just want plain sewing, not hemstitching or embroidery. Carter (to taxi-driver): How much is it to take me and my wife to the hotel? Taxi-driver: Half-a-crown, sir. Carter: And how much for taking me alone? Taxi-driver: The same—half-a-crown. .Carter (to wife): There, my dear, you see how much you are valued at. "Have you had any experience in fencing?" Brown asked Jones, who applied for a job of putting up a new fence at the back of the farm. "Well, boss," Jones replied, "I once put up that many posts in a day that it took me two days to walk back to where I started." Orchestra Drummer: I'm "the fastest man in the world. Violinist: How's that? I 0.D.: Time flies, doesn't it? I V.: So they say. 0.D.: Well, I beat time.