POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXV, Issue 64, 17 March 1933, Page 6

POSTSCRIPTS

BY PERCY FLAGE

Chronicle and Comment

> From being the Promised Land to much of the world not so long ago, America is today one of^the most compromised.

It is to be. hoped that the cool reception accorded to our first cargo of chilled beef in London is not part and parcel of a policy,, to. freeze us out ot that iridustrv. • •

ENGLAND'S PEAII EXPDETS.

Dear Percy,—What else-can you expect when the birth-rate of England was the lowest on record last year? TEMPLATE.

AXTE-DEPEESSIOX CYCLONE.

St. Patrick's Day in the morning Was as dry as a bone . . . but

yet, St. Patrick's Day in the evening Is sure to be wild and wet.

DEPRESSION SCOEES AGAIX

Beno's staple industry has been hit hard by. the depression. In 1932 thers were lf>bo fewer couples divorced than in the previous twelve months. That'i another item to the credit of the slump; it has taught a lot of rattle-headed people that the}' can better afford to remain unhappily married than be untied. -.-...

MORE MONKEY BUSINESS.

"Prehensile Father writes: ''Why; not close all the children's playgrounds, and build moire monkey;, houses?" This is a delicate question. The dead level of intellectual democracy induced by the mental bafoniugs of this distracted age renders any-direct reply inadvisable. It may be guardedly; pointed out, however, that every monkey house is a playground, while everyplayground is not yet a monkey house.' The significance of this fact will be apparent to both the political parties interested, no matter on which side of the House they will eventually sit. WANGANUI.

.LOOKED ON TOO OFTEN.

"John Doe" writes: Because Ames was the better bat, Duckworth, tha veteran 'keeper for the M.C.C. team, missed all the Tests and some other big matches. .'Which leads up to this story. Pigeon fanciers in Melbourne gave Duckworth a "^>Uy "send off," and the opinion was expressed that the guest had made man* friends during1 the1 tour. "Yes," he allied, "I've had nowt else to do, ladf"

LEAVES SOMETHING TO* THE IMAGINATION. '

Dear Percy,—ln "Stars ana Stripes,*Shaw Desmond's book on America after the Fall (the Wall Street crash), he refers to the attempts made at a college for young ladies to cope with ths madness for pleasure, ami to suppress that "mysterious 'it' of which we read, and known as sex-attraction." One of the rules of the college reads: "All dresses shall come at least half-war to the ankle." Think or the elasticity; Half-way from .where? . ■" ~ ■■."': '~ ' winsh;*" 1

COilE EIGHT IN.

Dear P.— Col. p, since its inception, has been a ray of sunshine in a land of turmoil and bickering, and I have a distinct and wholesome desire to participate therein. Shall I then try my 'prentice hand, even if in fear and trembling that my "maiden effort," so;to speak, shall be,amongst "posted missing." Yes! I am determined "Toby or not toby." L.D.A. has gone, "Ananias" is a "hasbeen." This is the thin end of the wedge. In an endeavour to give it the punch necessary for insertion I have cudgelled my memory. This, then, is the result. Some thirty odd years ago Francis E. Fay, otherwise "The Bounder," wrote the following jingle, which may help to add a word of cheer" to your 'readers: Oh, June is the merry laughing month", Of which., the long-haired rhym'ste? sings, Of sunny skies and babbling brooks, And lots of other, things. ; ButO! when, the wild wind t>lows; if June,* • Bed is the nose's tip, AH quivery, quakery,, shivery, shakery, It taketh the cake and the whole of th* cakery, , And makes your bounder skip, When the wind is rude, And a trifle slewed, In the public-house you'll find him, With his feelings all too utterly utter, Sustained by a glass of rum and butter1! And his wild harp slung behind him, ' J.W.F.

TALE TOLD BY AN IDIOT.

"In another part of Iseurandia thera were two towns, Azby and Bipton. They, were rivals, and very jealous of one another. Each sent a member to Parliament, and the member ■ for Ripton was a very good politician. He was so good that people took notice of it. Of course, all politicians are good; but all are not noticeably so.

"Both towns were growing, and boti very greatly needed a new post office; but the Government could provide only one, times being hard. The people of each town worked zealously to have their town preferred. They called meetings, and each town proved to its own satisfaction that it had the strongest claim. .

" At last the Eiptonians held a monster meeting and invited their member to address them. He proposed to speak last, so that he might review the other speeches. When the others had had their say the member arose and addressed the meeting. He said he had listened carefully to all that the former speakers had said, but he was unable to agree with them. He was convinced that Axby, not Eipton, had the stronger claim. Axby was a larger town; its people were better business men than those of Ripton; it was an industrial centre, while theirs was not; it was growing, faster; and its citizens were more intellectual.

"There was also the savings bank business to be considered. Axby ■ was tha wealthier town, and the deposits there would be considerably larger than in Ripton. Taking all these things into consideration, he felt that when the matter was being decided he would be obliged to vote in favour of Axby.

"The whole audience were so delighted with their member's speech, its honesty, disinterestedness, and frankness—a frankness conspicuous even among that of politicians—that they cheered him lustily; and "a few days later presented him with a purse of sovereigns* and an illuminated address. It is pleasing to know that the good politician continued to represent Eipton for twenty years afterwards." (Extract from the South. Utopian "Times"—l99.S.) *A gold coin, value uncertain.' —P.F. ■s.j.p.