Wit and humour

Evening Post, Volume CXV, Issue 47, 25 February 1933, Page 17

Wit and humour

WORSE OFF. .' . Briggs, the Englishman, was staying at a hotel in the north of Canada. Owing, to the intense cold, Briggs' was unable to go to isleep, and, feeling it very badly, he rose just before dawn and made his way downstairs to try to find a fire. ~.-..-. As Briggs descended the stairs he was met by a trapper who had been out early attending his traps. Icicles were hanging from the' man's moustache, and his furskin coat was covered in snow. Briggs threw him a pitying glance.; "By jove, old chap/ he. said, f'what room did you sleep in last night!"

GETTING AWAY WITH IT, "Jones has been arrested "for cashing cheques without having funds in the bank." . : "He doesn't look like a man who woukf do that." . ■' j v . ' "That's the-reason he could.'"

LANGUAGE.'' .i Magistrates So the man held, you up, did he, and took your money? ;Did you call the police?-. . . . Victim: I did.1 Everything I could think of! • • .

WIDE AWAKE. . "Doctor, can ypu tell me how to make my husband stop snoring?" ' •"Don't worry. Your baby will soon be teething, and you will not need to atop his snoring,"

WARNING. ' "Young man, my daughter says you're planning to elope.with her, and I v want to give you fair warning." "Well, sir, what is it?" "That ladder of mine out in the garage is cracked!" • '

THE BOWED HEAD. '~ The teacher'was explaining"1 the' difference between the stately rose and the modest violet. - •-..-.■- ---"You see, children," she said, "a beautiful well-dressed woman walks along the street, but she is proud and does not g.eet anybody-i-that J3 the rose. But behind her comes a small creature with bowed head." ' v • "Yes, miss, I know," Tommy interrupted; "that's her husband."..

THE SAFE TRACK. The visitor, from the great open spaces was discussing the world's railways with his English friend. "You may think your railways are the safest in the world; but where I come from it is quite impossible to have a collisionon the line," he said proudly. "But I don't see Sow you make that out/* said the Englishman' in amazement. "We have only one train," said the visitor. . '

THE CHALLENGING NAME. The vicar was paying a visit to the homes"" of his poorer parishioners, and in the house; of a certain costermonger he asked many1 questions about the family. • A very grubby, but very cheerful, little tad attracted the kindly cjeric's-attention, and he asked him his name. . "Reginald d'Arcy Smif, sir," replied the lad, with a grin. - The vicar turned to the boy's father. "Whatever did you give him a name like "that for?" "'Coa I want 'im to be^a boxer,".re turned the parent, "an' wiv a name .like that he'll get a bit o' practice at school."

I .THE HORRID SUSPICION. "I've searched high and low for the furniture-cream recipe your mother gave me. ■ " .■•■'.-: "Here!" said Her husband, patting down his spoon, "where did you get the recipe for this soup?" :

[ THE HOPE. | The curate prided himself on his oratorical' powers.- He was describing the downIward path of the sinner, and .used the metaphor of a ship drifting and going to pieces oa the rocks. A sailor in the au-ience was deeply interested. ■ 'The waves dash over her!" bellowed the curate. "Her sails are split! Her yards are gone! Her masts are sfiivered! Her helm is useless! She ia driving ashore! There seems no hope! Can nothing be done to save her?" The sailor rose in his Beat, his eyes -wide with excitement. - | "Let go tho anchor," he shouted.

COURAGE. ' '' - "Would you believe it? He actually ran away as they were standing at the-altar!" "Lost his nerve, I suppose?" % "No—found it again."

BOTH OUT. Jim: What did the landlady say when she found y.ou had left the gas burning three days? ■ ' ■ John: She turned us both out.

CLOTHES AND THE CAT. Old Lady: Tell me, little girl, what kind of clothes does pussy wear. Little Girl: Clothes? . .>", Old Lady: Yes, clothes. Does she wear wool? Does ehe wear feathers! ... ■ | Little Girl: You poor lady, ain't you I never seen a cat? . , .. \ .

THEN HE BEGINS AGAIN. Mrs. Smith: Could I borrow your rue beater? . , . . Mrs. Jones: I'm sorry; Mrs.: Smith, but he doesn't get home from work until 5 o clock. .

FORCIBLY STRUCK. The Court was trying a-case which had arisen out of-a-car accident.- ■ , ."J o]} say you ' were half Beared to death," said counsel for the defence. t I know very well I was," said the victim, with warmth. -■-....•' ■ "Then," said counsel coldly, "how do yon know it was a motdi>car, •or something resembling a motor-car, that hit you?" ■ • ■ - The victim looked squarely at him. It resembled one all right," he replied. T. . Was... forcibly. - struck — by- -the- resemblance."

\ SAVING HIM TROUBLE. Creditor; Look here, I.can't keep coming i to your house every day for-my money Debtor: Well, I'll tell you'what. •Suppose you call every other Wednesday.

■ WARNED XS TIME, v, :'.■ Mtillingßj .:■ the old countryman, was 'in London for the.first time in his life. His town-bred nephew wag showing him -the SightS. ■:..;-.. . ' . . • ■ . Coming; to a cinema the elderly- man stopped to stare at the highly coloured posters. ".. . ' :■■■-. ■[;■■< ■ "Greatguns!" said Mullin's tremulously, as his eyes fell on a large poster displaying a group of lions and tigers.. , "I'm glad I m going home on Saturday morning." "But, uncle,'? asked the boy, "why are you' : so anxious to get away!" ' ' Mullings pointed to a strip of lettering over the poster. "Look!" he said. "It says, 'To be released on Saturday night.* "■ : BUSY BEE OF BUSYBODY? Like a bee flitting from flower to -flower, the little woman passed along.the.shabby street, pausing. at every "open door for a few words with the' occupant. Mrs. Green watched her for a while, and then said to Mrs Brown, ■ ."Busy little Woman, ain't she? Always running up and down." ' ... ■'You're, right," replied Mrs. Brown, acidly. "What with running up bills and running down the neighbours, she don't have much spare time.".

putting-.it nicely.. ".. "How did you get on at your arithmetic examination?" "Very well, father!" "How many sums did you have wrong?" Only one!" - „ -t • "Good!' How many were there?" "Twelve!" "Fine! And the other eleven were Oil right?" - ■ '■'•-•- ---"Oh, no. I didn't do them!"

AS INSTRUCTED. ' "What's the formula for waterl-Jones Minor?" asked the science master "H I J X L M N 0," spelled out the scholar. , "What's that?" barked the master. -::'' The scholar slowly repeated the letters. . "Whatever are ■ you, driving at?"- said the roaster. "Who gave you that idea?" ' "You, - sir," said Jones minor. "You said yesterday that it was H to 0." FOR THE SAKE OF PEACE. "John, I hope I didn't. see you smiling at that creature who just passed." " "i hope you didn't, my dear."

. PERTINENT QUERY. '"yes," remarked, {he colonel, .who had taken seventeen to the first hole .witliout reaching it,. "this is my favourite course, caddie, the. course" where I once did a hole inApne." ~.':■. "Stroke or day,'sir?' r queried the youth.

. SCENE IN MEXICO. ■■.. "One of us is a cheiit!" v,. "What do you mean?'" . "What I sa.y. Five iniriutes ago -I had a fifth ace in my boot-rtop and now it-is gone.^ . : ; ; . ■ UNDKESSING. . . ■'.['■ It was Billies first'visit to, the country. Outside the farmhouse he saw the farmers w^e plucking'a fowl for nest day's dinner. "I say, ma'am," he- said, "do you undress 'em every night?" "

BACK SEAT EXPERT! . Friend: What, do .you., get. with your car?. . . .'.-- .; -■; ■- ( - Owner of Car: Oh,: about. 10,000 words to, the gallon. . _ "- V - "NOT m THIS PUDDING: ,; ■ English visitor, in. -Aberdeen was invited out' to' !dmner- on' ChHstmaa Day. The "pudding made its ■appearanca-in 'due course, and tlxe-guest 'smiled' liia appreciationi-. : "; , •:■ : ■-■ . .'■ -, ■ "They say,^ k ; said, .'^ia^ whoever finds the threepenny piece in-the pudding will be lucky." ...' ■:"'../■'.'/■"'' ' : ."Aye,".. gravely: agre&i pie host, "and remarkably, clever, too." \. " . V

.: GOptt BiJET, : ' :c _ \ ,; An'angler sat'"on-the' bani of a>'cana in. Yorkshire watcMng Ma float.: 3?r: gently a bishop came along With his prett; daughter. They stoppedtolobkon. "My friend," - said: the.bishop, :<l.per ceiye that', you are -a' fisher/ "^Lye/*"grunted the augleri :'-'^ - ' "I also am a fisher." ' • ■■■• is thaat soa?" : said ■wit! the rod.. "Well, Ah'm pleased -to mcc a fellow sportsman.".'...•...',- .."'..' -;:' "Ah, but .there is a. inisconceptioii ii your_mind. To^ are a'fisher "of fishes but lam a fisher of men."', ■-.■/■- ' Ihe angler turned arid' surveyed th. daughter. " " . - -• -"." ■ ■ . - "Aye," he Baid at last,: ?'and'wi* bar like yon you: ought to get.SUthin* good!'

DEFINED.' ■../'■'.;:'.. . Brian had -been -taken ioy hospital^fora slight operation. "Am, I a meoftal or surgical case?" he asked-the nurse, "My dear child," cried Baftse. .-^^WHat do you know about surgical or -medical cases?" . ; - . . "Well," said Brian, "a medical- case is when yoijjgo in ill and come ont' well, and a surgical case is when - you go in well and uome out ill." ...,_. : - .._.__.

- - r-TTTT.T.V. -;-,-; He had proposed ■ many times,'.and. indeed, her last refusal had been go iffiphatlC i that ■■ lately • they tad ' met ' as Etrangera. , : - . • -. ■• ■. But, on the joe the other day,- he could not resist the temptation to skate near her. She fled, he followed,' and neither noticed the danger board"till-too late. ■ So there they stood, in four feet of freezing ..water, while' rescuera'.'got busy Hushing out a .ladderl •' - -"■•'. : -'"Now the .ice-is BrdKen;" -i%"said, with ■ehatEering?4;«eth-;:: "may- :I'-'say r -agaiu^ how -niy^loveTturns Ibr~y6ii?'*--."- : ' ■ . : . :S"An'diall-ghg ansWeVed'-was-i/:. '-.'■..■' >::"Xhff warittth;of :your:regard leaves me cold." • ' 1-ii:.•-.•;;>"-;.: .5- =--..• ■ --. ■

>••'. c: .:.*K©T HER-:FAI^iTiT • i: ; ."-"Tha^*''Mrs."- Wippletdn;' Tve jjeard she's:had'hkf-face"li£ted;".~-:.'•'•■ ' ' -:; v/.'^Has she* / ■ WeU,r the t must-have been-.^ut; of: order;" . . - ' ■• ■ :•

A HARD WORKER. Magistrate: You've committed'six barglaries in a week. Culprit: That's, tight. If everyona worked as hard as I do we'd soon be on the road to prosperity.

THE WAY THINGS ARC. S'irst Business Han: Your son -told me last: ni;;lit, .that-, he doesn't jwazit tol. get married. Second1 Business Man: Yea, but just wait till the wrong girl, comes along. RUBBING IT IN. Gertrude (rejecting proposal):-Not A thousand times, no! George: All nght, all rightl 1 only asked yon once. • •>

THESE WOMEN! Esme: So you and Bertie are *to be married! I thought it was just a flirtation. Beatrice: So did he.

.. . ■■;. PUTTING IT NICELY," : . Well,- Jakes, I've? an'idea-one of us was-a. bit unsteady last night. Now, you raseaj,'which pfus'was it?. :""..'.' Jakes: I'll not cast ■ any:.' Reflections, master,, but -I' will sayl ehvjei.ye. '

. :_••;KINDNESS KEWAEDED." ' •- The rector, goingJup the -steps- of his church, to conduct ;'service, was accosted by a..-stately old lady in difficulties with her breathing. ■' '■•'•'.■;' " " "Pardon Me," she -said,- "but ;\rould you do me the favßuroT assisting me'-up the steps?'^ . ■ •■"■...-..■..■....::..';.-• . "Certainly, madam;" assented "the re<* tpr, giving her his arm.- -They : : reached the door, when the- old'.-'lady;--pausing, asked, "Pardon ■ m.c. oneej.-,niore,= but do you know who is preaching: this moming?' - :. .■' . . ;..:," ■ .. "; . "The rector, madam^"...-." , ■ "Oh! Then might J beg you ±6\do. me yet another . favour?" : . ~ ~ . . "Certainly," replied the rector. "What else can Ido for you?"- •-- ■~ -. "Would you be so good as to assist mfi down the steps again?" ■ .

PEEPOSTEEOUS. : y Defendant (in loud voice): Justice! Justice! Justice! I demand justice! "" "'- Judge (rapping for order): The defendant .will please remember he is:in*^ GouTtroom. .. . . . ...;..•

• HELPLESS HUSBANDS.. ; "Of course, you're lucky! I'm afraid my husband is one of the: helpless kind. If he wants to darn ; some socks or sew a button on, I always have to thread the needle for him/ : ' '

: ' LUCRATIVE LAZINESS •" The head of a; large store was passing through the packing room one day when he saw a boy,lounging against a.wooden bos whistling cheerfully. He motioned tne boy to follow him into his' office, : How much do you get a week?" he barked. '^Fifteen "shillings, sir." "Then here's a week's pay; Get out." • When the boy had left, the chief Bummoned the foreman of the packing department. ■ - ~ "When did we engage that boy?'.' he demanded. • ... "We never _ engaged him," came the' answer. "He just brought in a package from another firm.* '-■ -•■. • ■--■

GIVING THE TITLE. Teacher (to new boy): What is your name, my little fellow? ■ ■ New Boy: 'Erbert 'Arris. Teacher: Always say "sir" when yo\i are speaking to a master. It's more poEte." New Boy (apologetically): Sir 'Erbert Arris, ' ;