POSTSCRIPTS

Evening Post, Volume CXV, Issue 40, 17 February 1933, Page 6

POSTSCRIPTS

BY PERCY FLAOJS

Chronicle and Comment

"Amos-'n'-Andy" perpeiids that though Jardino takes back til o Ashes, ' a few glowing embers will .bo left behind. » <■ . ■ ■.-» Dear Percy,—l supposo by now Konest George' and Gay Gordon know that there are thousands moro lambs in New Zealand than they ever tihought Of. •-.'"■ TEMPLATE. ■ * • • BRIGHT SUGGESTION. Dear Percy,— Now that there is talk of farming •new political parties, it might* be opportune to. suggest to Mr. Holland that the Labour Party be renamed tha "Liberal (with other people's money) Party." SIMPLISSIMUS. • * • .^ NEXT, PLEASE. Dear Percy,—Did your "business man" see the baby car that clattered through Upper Hutt last Sunday. On the back it sported a black plate with, these : words emblazoned in red upon. "Speed up, Big Boy. Hell's only half-full. 1' ' PARSONSONIA. ♦ * « EVASION? Dear Percy,— In a city tram this morning a man was observed using his motor licenco cover as a container for an assortment of tramway" concession tickets. * Surely Mr. Coates should bo told of this immediately or what's the use of increasing the petrol tax? If this goes on how are we going to square up for that three ana a half million bounty to the farmers? Yours anxiously, FOUEPENCB. .■*..■■.■: .*.■■.« HERB'S HOW! - , Well, good luck, John. Tho fight is won, Tho kangaroo Fell down . . . not you. His tail was much .Top long.. '.". "Sour clutch; His body-line Squeezed good and fine. You clawed his ears, Inducing tears, Then laid him. flat Upon tho mat. . Well, good luck, Johtf « • . Just carry on. * * •, COMPETITION. Dear Peree, —While realising that anr attempt to rouse your clients to action! during the dog days of February is to be deplored, I beg to suggest as tha basis of a competition the followingto which I gave birth some three years ago. The idea is to coin the name, etc., of a prospective, best-seller, and the rules governing the 'selection will be obvious from the example. My_ effort, which was instrumental at the time in luring from my cronies some particularly fruity samples (un- ' fortunately unprintable), was:— "The Purse,and the Hearse, or the Curse of the Erse Nurse," by Perce Fitzurse, published' by Worse and Worse. The work, of course, is written entirely in verse, and, needless to say, Fitzurse's style is .delightfully -terse. Handles of.luck. MeBACCHUS. • '■■.■♦ ' c THE TARANAKT SYSTEM. A remarkable coincidence in" connection with the racing at New Plymouth, on Thursday was the sequence of'mini'-, bers of tho winners (says the '«Taranaki Herald"). For the seven races during the day the .winners ranged from No. 1 ?to No. 7, the successful horses being Easterly (No. 1), Golden Hair (No. 3), Refresher (No. 4), Eminent (No; 7), Clangor (No. G), Awakea (No. 2), and Miss Cavendish (No. 5). This scheme was profitably noted by a New Plymouth .sportsman with a mathematical turn of mind, who remarked to his" sister after the fifth race that only. Nos. 3 and 5 had to win to complete the sequence. As.the result of following this good omen, they participated in the two largest dividends of the day. » » * COST OP LIVING. "The cost of living 'must* coin* down,"' • Said Farmer Joucs to Townio Brown. "Both Coates and Masters say. it will; And have they not just framed a Bill To do the job by taxing sales, And things the business man retails?** "Precisely so," said Townie 8., "Their attitude just stiffens me. They tax us out of house and home, ' And let us through the cold roam; Then say, as we our sorrows drown, The . cost of" living 'must' cpine down." VELO! * «• • »■ BEWILDERED McDODD. Dear Percy,— In the years 4 and 3 B.D. (beforei depression) there lived up in the Wairarapa a mixed farmer by the name of Dad McDodd. Ho is still there. I might explain that a mixed farmer is one of those bravo souls who pit. themselves against Mother Nature and, by; dint of much honest sweat of tho brow,' wrest from her a variety of marketable products. As against this, an unmixed farmer is generally looked upon as something in the raw touched upon tho raw when his one basket of eggs falls from the cart and leaves him. in the cart. .In those years of: which I speak, Dad McDodd used to make ap on both tho swings -and the ronnd-abouts, but now, in tho light of ambiguous and misleading market. reports, he is remorselessly whirled round and round on the hurdy-gurdy, trying to divine which way . the cat will swing—if there is room, which pursuit had he best pursue so that ho might avoid- being chased off the farm by"the Mortgagee. (Note: Mortgagee should always have capital). Poor old Dad is now hopelessly confused and tangled by such market reports as "Prices Back Again, 'l and ho asks (by" the she-wire fence and the seven strainer-po3ts) just what does this mean? . Have the good old prices returned or have the present prices backed back? Then again 'Bacon Supplies Dwindling. '■'■ Yet nobody is bringing it home, he says. "Cheeso Advancing." Must be old stocks moving but. . "Breeding Ewes Demand Quiet." Dad thinks they should have quiet. "Bradford, Tops Unsteady." Why don't the kids buy reliable' New Zealand-made ones. "Rural Credit." Who is he, anyway? Any relation to Douglas?—and so on ad' nauseam. For the past few weeks, Dad has been in a pretty twitter, y With : stub • pencil on the pig-stye railings he has-been trying to work out tho difference between "Return of Life to tho Wool Market" and -'f Return to Life of the Wool Market." As it is needless for me to say that he is still'a MIXED farmer, there is no necessity for me to .say it. * ■ ..'■■'; . WENSH. Dunediiu ' ' - ■ ■:-■■■.- _