Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXIII, Issue 25, 30 January 1932, Page 19

Wit and Humour

Professor: Why don't you answer me? Student: -'I did, Sir; I shook my head. .Professor: You surely don't expect me to near it rattle from here, do you?

ltt'P'i n°" CiW on Mr- Smith about that ■;"I did" :.'... ; "And what, did you find out?" i ■Mi- Smith."

Clergyman (to small boy): Well, my boy, what is your name? ' • "■ ■ Small Boy:.; Bill, eir. -.. ■"■' Clergyman: And how did you get that name? , ' -~ . ... ■ ■.. \> .-

Small Boy: ..My, father said-1 came on the: first of, the.month with the rest bfli the bills, siil. . ,

, "1 never saw any thing, like this tide!" said he, "Here I've been pulling steadily for ten minutes, and we don't seem to have moved a foot!"

( 'Oh, Jack," said his pretty companion. Ive just thought of something. The anchor fell overboard a little while ago, and I,forgot to tell you. Dot yon suppose it could nave caught 'on something?" .

- Mr. Jones: Ive had a worrying rime with I the insurance people. They ask blch awkwaijil questions. They e\,en Slanted to knoW tw/State of my mind. Mrs. Jbnes: How absurd! I suppose you left it blank? "Here," said the budding Sheilock 'Holmes, "sits' a lonely man—unmarried, unloved; no brothels or sisters; no children to call; him uncle; not even-a landlady's child to smile at his return." "Wonderful!" exclaimed his friend. "How do you know all this?" "Elementary, my dear chap," replied the detective. "He opened a packet of cigarettes and threw, the picture card and coupon away." "Where's your ticket?" demanded the collector. ■ , The Bleepy traveller opened' an efe, looked at the collector, 'and closed it again. "Now, then, where is it? Haven't you got ,one?" exclaimed the; collector; - v The traveller opened his other eye. Then he shook his head. "All right," said the collector. "You'll have to pay!; Five arid six, please." - The sleeper took' no notice. "Don't you hear me?'' cried the collector. . "Five and aix!" For a moment the Weary eyes opened again, and he answered:. "Eleven!" Nuw'edd: Do you ever read in bed? Longwedd: Not now, I often lie awake listening to a. lecture, though. Wifey:' There's an old clothes man at the door. Hubby: Tell him I've got all I need. Girl's Father: Young man, are you able to support a family? , Young Man: "Yes, sir; how many arc thereof you? _ Sirs. Durrant: How is your husband getting on with his golf? Mrs. Montgomery: Very well, indeed! The children are allowed to watch him now!. Surrounded by her luggage the young blonde was about to leave the hotel. She gave her final instructions to. the hall porter. "And if any letters, come for me from a tall young man with a little moustache, you needn't bother to send them on!" MISSING. Sandy entered the shop from which he had recently purchased a bicycle. -' "It's about the bike, mon," said the Scot. "Hasn't it arrived yet, sir?" said the shopkeeper. "Sure it has," said Sandy, "but where's the free wheel you spoke abbut?" NERVE. The woman proffered a bottle" ofi medicine at the suburban chemist's and asked: "Is this all right for mc to Ukel" "You didn't buy that here, though, madam." the chemist said ts .her. "No," she answered. "It was given to me for nerve trouble by a friend, and I thought I w-ould get your opinion of it." "Well, madam," he remarked, "there's no need for you to take that'medicine. There's nothing whatever wrong with your nerve." THE DIFFERENCE/,. The Vicar (entering the sewing party tea): 'My word! This is a-much better tea than the other ladies give." "Well!" said one of the workers, "you see, ours is a fancy tea and plain sewing. Theirs, plain tea and fancy sewing."* LOSING THEIR LICENCE. „As the' car peached the crossroads, the husband, driving, signalled a turn to the right, and Ins wife signalled a turn to the left; "What do you people want—a separation? asked the-point-duty policeman. DOUBLE HARNESS PREFERRED. Miss Younger met her much older cousin. "I hear you are going to marry old Mr. 'Bounder," she said. "Yes," replied Miss Older,' "I've' decided to accept him." "Well," said the other knowingly, "I warn you he'll lead a double life." ' "That's all right," said Miss Older resignedly. "If I don't'marry him I'll'have to lead a single' life, and that's'worse." Boy: "J would like to dance like this for ever. GirV„ "'Don't you ever want- to improve ;

Lady: Will my false teeth look natural? _Dentist: Imake them so natural that they ache. ' ..-■•.-■■-

There was a young lady of Leicester, Who sat through a noaking soii'-'wester In the very last row ■'• At a cinema show,;.; With the 'charming young man who careicester!

Little Gerald.was making his first acquaintance r \yith 'Stewed figs: ■ "Eat up your figs; like; a good boy," said his mother. ;

"I don't like them," he>replied: "they're just Bkins;filled with,full stops.'; .

During frosty -weather a householder discovered a burst pipe and telephoned for the plumber. That;..Kandy'-persOn was a' long time in /'answering- the S.O'.S.'. r When he did come he marched into the house and said to..the-ownec: "Well, how's things, sir?" . '

.Oh/ replied the 'householder, sarcastically, we don't" need "you how "in your capacity as plurriber. Do you, by any chance, give swimming. lessons?"

J She had just accepted him. 'And will you always be true to me, beJo\ed?" he urged. "Darling why do you doubt me?" she murmured. • > , "Oh, piecious, because you're tool good to be tiue," he cried. The aspiring poet called on his pub"Have you received any expressions of public opinion on my new volume?" he i asked hopefully. / The publisher stopped in his task of re-1 jecting manuscripts. , "Well," he replied, "one man with the same name as yours asked me to announce that he is not the; author. Good i day!" I Timmins was on his annual 'holidays and had strolled down to the pleasure beach. He stepped in fiont of a houpla stall where there was a fair damsel in charge. ' "Come along, sir," said the maid. "Three rings for tuppence, sir. And everything you nng you win!" - * "Urn!" said T'mmins, who had an eye for beauty. "Everything I ring I win, eh? But whatsort of a ring would it take to "Oh, just a wedding ring, -»ir," flashed back the maiden.«j"¥ou kn°Hr' mum," said little Hector, dad must have been up to all sorts of PWChief when he was a boy like me." What makes you think, so, my son?" asked his mothei. Hector looked \eiy thoughtful. 'Well," he went on, "he always knows exactly what questions to ask me when he-wants to know where I'm going and what Ive been doing." j. ( . A well-known business man went to his Club every afternoon and ordeied a glass of whisky, which he drank with closed eyes. This eccentricity had been commented upon by members from time to time. At last one of the more daring of them asked him for an explanation of this oftrepeated peculiarity. "Well," was the reply. "It's >ike this: when I see a glass of whisky it makes juy mouth water, and I don't care to dilute .it. REVENGE IS SWEET, They were discussing after breakfast the food for the day. "I'm going to make a nice cake for tea, said Mrs. Nuwed. The young husband raised his eyebrows in surprise. ■•"- ."/ "H'm," he murmuied, "I was 'thinking of bringing a friend home •to tea." "That'll be lovely, dear!" • she cried. "We'll have a little tea party," "All right," he decided in the'end. "I'll bring him home. He served me a mean trick once." RISKING IT. An American staying at a south coast resort had an ' engagement to" play golf with a friend who did not put in a punctual appearance. ' ' The (American, who was waiting on the first tec, decided to go to the club house and telephone to his partner, and, not wishing to take his heavy kit with him, he said to a bystander, "Excuse me, but would you look after - these clubs till I come back?-' i "Sir," rejoined the bystander with ruffled dignity. "I'd ha>c you know I'm the mayor of this toWn." "Never mind; I'll take the risk." NASTY FOI^ DAD. Husband (reading): "This paper says that the greatness of a father] often proves & stumbling block to the advancement of hie children." / ' " ' Wife: "Well, thank fortune our children will never be handicapped in that way." , A LIGHT MATTER. Mrs. Cohen: "I am sorry to trouble you. Mis. Levy, but could you lend me a box of matches?" Mis. Lety: "I could, but I will not. I lent jou a box last week and you never returned them. I don't like people who make light o£ their obligations." MISUNDERSTOOD: Robins and his better half had not been on friendly terms for some days, and one evening determined to. put an .end to such au unsatisfactory state of. affairs: he said sentimentally:—"Well, dear, , I'm sori't'—l apologise. Come—let us hang the cloat of Chnstian ch'inty over the'past, eh?"' , "Veiy well, Heiberf," she agreed. ''Did you say a-cloak? How much may I spend on it?" •