Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXII, Issue 124, 21 November 1931, Page 19

Wit and Humour

A native of-Aberdeen seiz- '. with violent toothache did not succumb too readily to the gas administered by the dentist, but at last he was sleeping peacefully, and the molar was removed. ''How ..much?" asked tlic patient, after tho ordeal. "Ten shillings," said the dentist. ''Ten shillings!" the man exclaimed. "Yes. It was an unusually hard job yetting that tooth out, and you required twice the ordinary quantity of gas." ' "Well, here's the money: but, the next time I ; take gas I'll want to' look at the meter."

WOK! " Sinks: 'vHallo, old man, you look voided! Anything the matter:" Jinks: "I-should'say so. I've lost my glasses, and I can't .look for. them until I find'them."

Llil'T- OVKIt.

Waggish -Diner (with menu): ''Chicken croquettes, eh? I say, waiter, which part of the chicken is the croquette?" Waiter: "The part that's left over from the day before, sir."

ON THE CONTRARY

When the dear old lady who was visiting the prison said: "I suppose it was poverty that brought you here, my poor man," the poor man replied: "Not a bit of it, lady. 1 was simply coining money."

OPTIMISTS.

The barber, was trying ..to sell a bottle, of hair-restorer to the bald-headed man.

"But what guarautee have I that it will grow hair?" asked the man. "Guarantee," said the barber. "Why,, man, with every bottle-we give a comb."

THE UMPIRE'S DECISION.

The batsman was making a dogged stand when things were going badly. At length the opposing fast bowler got him with a ball that just nicked the bails^ off. The batsman calmly picked up the bails, replaced them, and nodding to the umpire approaching the wicket, said: — "Jolly windy to-day, isn't it?" "Yes," replied the wideawake umpire. "Here's your cap. Mind it doesn't blow away as you return to the pavilion."

FOLLOWING THE -PRESCRIPTION.

A clergyman met one of his parishioners in a country lane one night. "It's pretty damp for a man with rheu: matism to be prowling about at night, eh, William?" "Well, sir,-I'm following the doctor's advice." •■■•.- •-■. ■-,•..•-..-. ■

■ "-Why, did hs tell .you : to, .be out. at .night?" ' " . "Not exactly, sir, but he said I needed «hicken." . ' ■

THE OBSTACLE

After, an acrimonious, debate the new wife exclaimed tearfully:— ••.. -. ;; - "But for. one. thing, I'd- leave you. and go home." Hubby (tartly): '.!W.hat's that?" Wife:'"Mother is coming .here! She's leaving father."

THIS FREEDOM.

Au estremely' intelligent looking child entered the book department of a largestbrc. ■ . :

"What'can-I'do for you?" asked the assistant. ' . ':' '■ .- ' '

"I can't- afford to buy anything," the child replied, • "but I'll take a volume of free verse, if I may."

THE :• OPTIMIST.

The employer wns dealing with a long, queue of boys-who- had appeared in response to an advertisement for.- an oftice boy. - . .-• '.'Well, my boy," he said to one who looked a likely candidate, "you've seen that long queue of boys outside waiting for., this .Jpb. ..Is there, any. particular reason why you should have the post?" "Yes, sir," was the reply. _ "I'm the only one"who's brought his dinner."

A BIT SWIFT,

■Betty: ''156 yoir khow/'Kennefch kissed me- twice last uight before"-I could'stop him?."'. •-■!-,;• ■ .■■ ■ : -■ . ■ ; Peggy: "Good gracious! What cheek! Betty: --Both!" .

HARD TO ANSWER-

A kindly-looking old gentleman was •stopped by a very •little girl carrying a parcel. . . ■ . : ■ "Please, sir," she said polileb;, 'is., this .the second turning to the left,?" . .

HARD TACK,

Doctor: "Above all, cat more fruit, and particularly the .skin .of the. fruit. The skiii contains all the virtues and the vitalnins. What, by the way, is your favourite fruit?" ■'

Patient (gloomily): -"Cocdnuts."

MISSING

Sandy entered the shop from which he had recently purchased a- bicycle. •' . "It's about the bike, mon," said the Scot." ..

"Hasn't it: arrived yet, sir?" said the shopkeeper. "Sure it has," said Sandy, "but where's the free wheel you spoke about?"

HIS ASSETS,

Jones: "I was robbed last night, and fifty-three articles wove stolen from me, Everything I had in the world." Policeman: "Fifty-three articles?" Jones: "Yes. A pack of cards and a corkscrew."

PROTECTION.

; Insurance Agent: ".Your- side-shows are ■all' of; wood. You ought to take out a fire, insurance." ' ' "

Showman: "Why? ■ I have a fire-cater on the premises."

The officer entered a guard-room and found, it empty except for a private ,who, stripped to' his shirt and trousers, was lounging on a chair, smoking a. clay pipe. "Where's the sergeant of the guard?" demanded the oJliccr- angrily, . "Gone across to the non-com.'s" mess to have a. drink, sir," replied the private. "And the sentries?" "In the canteen, sir." '■Then, confound.it, what are you doing here?" •'Me,'sir?" was the reply. Im the prisoner."

WITHIN'THE LAAV

"Here, you," said a policeman to' a cattle drover who was driving .some-cows alonfi the pavement. "That path.is only for foot passengers." , . '''Well," the man replied, "ain't. Jny cows on foot, then?"

SETTLING THE POINT

Sod: "I don't know whether to be a barber ov an author." Father:. "Toss for it—heads or tales."

CAUSE FOR IRE,

Clerk: "I suppose the boss wiis arfnoyed when you told him 1= was leaving nest week?" ... . ■

Cashier: "Yes, he thought it was this week."

A TOUGH JOB.

First Office Boy: "Don't you ever have a clay off for your'grandmother's-funeral?" Second Office Boy:' "What! ■ And me working for the Registrar of Births and Deaths!" . . • .-■•..-

MAKING IT CLEAR,

"This letter," stormed the manager,- "is disgraceful. It's-not even clear.what-you are talking about. A man who cannot make himself understood is a perfect fool.' Do you understand?" *

"No, sir," replied his clerk meekly,

NOAH THE SECONDi

"Jim's a ; nice, chap,., but he's awfully mean, almost miserly,, in fact." ~'." . "I think you do him an .injustice; He isn't mean. He's simply' saving; for a rainy day." - • . . ". " . .

."I£ .that's the. case,..he must be expecting- a flood-." . . ■; . :

THE WARNING.

On a Tandem: Tyre punctured/ She: "You. ought tq have been on-the look-out for this, George since the guide book warned you that there ' was. a-fork in the road." '." ~ '."• [.

;■■• ON THE SPOT. ■■ ■'■" "What is your iiame, boy?" ' "Haven't .one."-. - - -. ■ "Come, come.. What does your mother call you at nieal times'?" ' . ■ "Her's no need. I'm allus there."

-GOOD -BUSINESS Bones: "Your friend-Jones is in business, is he not?" •"••■ Hones: "Yes; Jie,'s_a_ contractor.'.' Bones: "What line?" Hones': "Debt's."' • '='• ;". ■ . .'

SAFE..

"Jimmy,".- said. th.p. manager, to .the intelligent young, clerk, "the cashier'; tells me you've .lost,: the.'key'to the safe, 'and he can't get at the money.-" ' ' "Quite right, sir, but only one key, sir; I had two.'' ' ■:..-

"Yes, I know, but what have-you done with the other key?" . • -. ■

"I put it where it couldn't be lost," .'replied Jimmy. "It's in the safe.".

BUTCHER BOY. LOVE. ... ■ I never sausage eyes-"as. thine, And if you'll'butcher land in mine And liver roilu'd me every day, AVe'll seek some ham-let far "away; We'll meat life's frown with love's caress. And cleaver road to happiness.

SLIGHTLY IN ERROR,

They had -been practising .thought-read-ing, and at last thought they, were sufficiently proficient' to give, an exhibition; Two souls with but a-single thought was a nice idea to foster about themselves.

He blindfolded her, and then went to the other side of the room. He borrowed a. cigarette case, and dropped if'on-the floor. . .• .... ■•-.- • '

"Come, what did I do then?." he asked. Without hesitation, .she replied—"You dropped a cigarette. case.' * .... ' The little boy of the .house produced a little saw from his new tool set, and a piece of wood, and invited the man to saw it.

The young man placed the wood on the edge of tile table, and sawed vigorous-

"Say, what am I doing?" he asked. "■Singing," replied the medium. They have dropped thought-reading now.

ECONOMY.

The irate parent stormed up and down the room before the nervotis-looking young man. ,

"What, sir!" he shouted. "You have -the nerve to come to-.my ofh'ce to ask for my daughter? Well; I might as-.well tell you that you could have saved, yourself the journey." . The suitor sighed' wearily. (i "Well, that's all right, sir," he said. "You see, I had another message to deliver in the same building."

PUT TO THE TEST,

Angus Jl'Tops had married.- Some weeks later he met Pat, his friend, from' Ire-, land. . ■ • .-: ■ . .

"Well, Angus, lad," snid Pat, "I suppose you had a lot of silver for wedding presents?"

"Ay, nion, w said Angus, ."mostly silver they were."

"'And what did your father give you?" asked Pat. ■

. "Dad gave us a bottle of acid to test I-he silver with," said:the newly-married man.