Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXI, Issue 138, 13 June 1931, Page 19

Wit and Humour

! ACCEPTED. He hud gouo into the library to face her father, and she was anxiously waiting on the verandah. ■ i "Well," said the suitor Mien he returned, "he asked me how I was iixed, and I told him -I had £1000 in the bank." "And what did lie say to that?" "Be borrowed it.". .TAKING CARE OF THEM. When pulling a handkerchief from his pocket the district spendthrift dropped a set of false teeth on the floor. ■» "Hullo, Donald," said one of the onlookers, "not much sign of the depression about you, carrying ,a. spare set around." "Na, na, they're no mine," said Donald. i "They belong t' the .wife. I caught the wastefu* wumman .eatin' between, meals the other day.". SATISFACTION! An actor,who had been visiting his agent's office for nearly five years without any encouragement finally barked: "Listen herej now! Can you book me or not?" The agent shook his head in the "no" manner. ''Well, then," said the digusted fellow, "give me back my1 name and address!" HE, SHE, IT. \. "What gender is 'baby?'" asked the teacher. "It can be either masculine, feminine, or neuter/ young Tommy answered. "What do yon mean, Tommy?" asked the teacher. "Surely you know that that cannot be right." "Yes, it is, miss. There's a baby boy, a baby girl,- and a baby car," Tommy replied. : i

jSUSPICIOUS. For twelve months Dave had-been visiting the litle. Widow, but never a word of love had he spefen. One day; he surprised the little woman at the washtub. "Will yer manry me, Liz?" he blurted out as soon he he arrived.' The widow looked up and said, suspiciously: "Yer aim^ lost her job, 'aye yer?" HIS TURN. "The last time I met you/ said Drinkwater, "you made me the happiest man in town—you were» sober! To-day you make me very misesable—you are drunk." "That'sh olrite," Uiccoughed Soak, "it'sh niy turn to—hie—be", happy!" v k WRONG AGAIN. ■ A schoolmistress wjis taking down the names and ages of her scholars at the commencement of the wlen coming' in turn to a little whjite-headed boy, she asked him: "Well, my1- little lad, how old are you?" . : "My name ain't lad/ said he sharply, "it's John. • "Well," said the schoolmistress, what is the rest of your name?" "Why, that's all thei name I've got— just John—needn't, put dad's name down. He's too big to go to school." "Well,,how old are yo^?" ,„' "I ain't old at all—Hni young. A party of actors was discussing a colleague who was'always oust of pocket. "The trouble with' Smith." said one, is that he is always untidy. He doesnt keep himself clean." Said another, with a trace of .bitterness, ■•"Well, he ought to^be.cleari -He's always spoiiging." |.-• '. : ■ i ' .' '"

•Sandy-"was escorting' his lady love on a wee walk. Passing'a refrteshinent-room he turned round and said:—:. . ... .-. "Maggie, would ye like* sonve^ fruit.' Ur would- ye raither have sweets1!?" ' The Startled ,Maggie, \repSied: -,-. Sure, Sandy; but I'd; like both." , • "Ah, weel," said he,'Vl'll gat ye' one of. those- 'apples-on-a-stick'. an' ye'H have both." . . ■ The business man had'for onde taken, Ms wife to the theatre. And he was enjoying himself when an attractive girl seated herself two rows ahead. " ' m ' Turning to his wife he 'implored.. Pretend you are not with me. Thaifc girl just seated is my typiste; it she notices you are with me she'll get jealous and su!k for the rest;of the week." "Look, my poor fellow," said Coivem to the seedy, shivering individual wtw asked for money, "I never give; cash to any beggars; but if you come alciigvto my house I'll give you a good, warm! overcoat/ . "Do yer wanter. ruin me business: asked Cagim. "I notice that you're gTowing a crash order moustache," said Dave to the» new Pommy. •■'■■.■ , ' "What do you mean?" asked the new hand, stroking the growth under his. nose. "A little down,.and a little every week," Dave told him. Shop Manager (to assistant): ""Why didn't you.introduce the uew line of .silk to that lady customer?" ' .' Assistant: "Er—she is my wife, siri. "Women are a delusion," said an eHerly man. . •_ "Perhaps; but men are always hugging some delusion or other," replied the .flapper. ( •Jimmy (watching something tasty gjciing into the sick room): "Please, ma, can I have the measles when Willies done wlith them?" - . Hook: "What luck did you have fishins?" ■ . Sinker: While I was j( avreay six men with bills called for money." • "Hoo much d'ye "charge for pullin' oofc. a tooth?" askedM'Ache of the dentist. "Five shillings," replied Pullcm. "Mon, that's a feerful' lot q' moneys said M'Ache. "Will ye loosen it_a bit flor saxpenre an' I'll be pullin' it maisclf?" Author of Pantomime: Whatever shaA' we do; we've lost the manuscript! Alt we've.got is the music. ..

'Producer:' That's all.right, j'l'emombcrjj both, the jokes. "' ' : '....„ ;

ri THE DENTIST IN LOVE. i Tho experience of poor Brown should lie a warning to . other sufferers not to iijlow a dentist badly in love to extract-a vtw.oth under gas. -t\ . . vAfter enduring several sleepless, nights, Bi'wwne plucked up sufficient courage to gob Jones, the dentist—who has recently become engaged—to extract tho offending moJnr under gas. ■ ■' Obi recovering consciousness ho found Joui'S energetically jerking out perfectly sound teeth and muttering, "She loves mo! She .loves me not! She loves me! She loves me not!" WHENCE CAME THEY? Two men were having a drink in a bar. Said *>ne, seriously: "What's yer great ambecxion, Jock? Is there any one thing in thie world you'd like better than anither?" "No,!" said Jock hopefully, amther would just suit me fine." Mistitess: "Be careful with those books. Several go back to George the First." Maids "Yes, mum, and I see several should go back to the library." . HIS SCORE."WhatS's that piece of cord tied round your finder for?" ■ . .., . . • .-.. "My wife put it there to. remind me to post a lestter." "And did you post it?" . ■ ■ "No, she forgot to give it to me." ' AETER A YEAR.' : Wife: "Oh, George, do you realise it's almost a ytear. since, our honeymoon, and that glorious holiday we spent on the sands? 'I' wonder how. we'll spend this one?" ' ■ . .■■■. ... George: "On the rocks." ' .

, Hia city friends thought to give Dave a special treat and took him to see "Romeo ■ and Juliet" being pfeyed. After the performance had been in progress for a while lighC suddenly, dawned on Dave. "They're outer date in the city. This is. as old.as tT^e tills. I saw a company playin' this the, night er the Woop Woop Show ten/yeairs ago." ■■ • "Why do you only say "DearY-beloved brethren/ ,and not 'Dearly-beloviSd breth? ren and sisters.?'". I asked our,' parson. "Simply because the brethren embrace the sisters," lie replied innocently* Sarah's Dad didn't likeyoung men. coming after her; so Bill resorted to strategy. He bought an old horse from him, 'and when he wanted to see her he left the sliprails down, and the moke went home. Then Bill went after it, and, incidentally, had a chat with Sarah. Eventually; they got married, and thereafter the' moke ceased to stray. ' ■ • . - - "That will tell you about the affection of animals," said Dad. "How fond that horse must 'aye been, of Sarah. 1' ' "Sixpence for that coat-hanger? Too much! Haven't you something cheaper?" , "How about a nail, sir 2" Dentist: Could you please open your mouth wider? ■ . ■, . _, Patient (impatiently): Yes, indeed, if you'll move your ceiling up a few feet! "Yes, that's old Spriggins. Half a dozen doctors have given him, up at various times." - . . - . "What was the trouble with him? 7' "He wouldn't yay his bills." _ Wife: "A poor woman came to-day to ask for old clothes." ; : - ■ . . Husband: "What did you give her?'' ■ Wife:, "That old suit you have had for ten i years and the dress I bought last month." ■ ■ ' .' ■ ' f , The business men were talking about their employees. "Well, oldl Johnson has grown grey-haired in my service." "I've got a girl with me who has grown yellow, brown, and red haired in my service." , , : Morris: If you refuse me I shall^ever love another. , . . ' Doris: That's all- very well; but does the promise hold good if I accept you? Molly: And what did your poet do when you turned him down? Dolly: Oh, the poor dear threw himself into the waste-paper basket. "So you've bought another car,x'professor?" ■■ . . "Yes; I couldn't remember exactly where I parked the old one." " ] ■J'ed-up Member (to club bore): I only once remember you behaving naturally, and that was when you wormed your way into this club. ■ ■ / . "What made you quarrel with Claude?" "Well, ho proposed to mo again last night." - . "Where was the harm in that?" "My dear, I had accepted him the night before." - Mrs. Smith was in urgent need of a maid, so she went to the nearest employment exchange to see what they could do for her. , • "How many maids do you place in a week?" she asked the clerk, when her own arrangements had been satisfactorily made. . - , The clerk did not hesitate to answer. "Between forty , and fifty," she returned. '~•■■ "Really," murmured Mrs. Smith. "That must be something like two thousand a year." . - . ■ "Oh, no," came back the answer. "You see, they are always the same forty." Burglar: Where is your pocket book? Householder: What impudence, waking a man at. two in the morning for a trifle like that! ' Ho: "'I really don't think it's necessary lo ask your father if I may marry you."' She: '"You are right; it's mother who doesn't like you." . ■ i ''What do you mean by kissing me?" "T. just couldn't hojn myself."/ . ''But you just did. "■*■" ■•.•"■ ,