Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXI, Issue 74, 28 March 1931, Page 19

Wit and Humour

FACT. I Professor; "Sow, can anyone explain [ what fact it?" Student: "Yes, sir. When you tell a girl that time ceases when you look at her face, instead of telling her it would stop a clodi, that's fact!" WHEN MURPHY MISSED. A company of soldiers were 'having target practice, and Private Murphy, who had repeatedly missed, was admonished by his officer: "You can do bettor tlwu that, | Murphy, .tsow try it again, and don't flinch!" Murphy fired, but, as usual, missed. "What was the matter with that last shot?" And the officer appeared angry. Murphy looked up and answered: "1 duinio, sir. It was all right when it left here." A SPOILT OUTLOOK. Ho: "I hear Smith accidentally shot himself while looking down a gun barrel." She: "Will he recover?" He: "I think so,''but be will never look tbe same way again." NOT SO DUSTY. j "I grovel here before you in the dust!" said the youth, as he went on his knees in the drawing-room. "I don't know what you mean by dust," I she replied, coldly. "I look after this room ! myself every morning." I

MISUNDERSTOOD. "Did that young man talk business last night, Ethel?" "Yes, uiothcr; and lie said it was very bad." NO'PANY OF THEM. The teacher was trying to give her pupils an illustration of the meaning of the word "perseverance." "What is it/^she asked, "that carries a man along rough roads and smooth roads, up hills and down, through jungles and swamps, and raging torrents?" There was a silence, and then Tommy, whose father was a motor dealer, spoke up: . "Please, miss," he said, "there ain't such a car;" " SHILLELAHS. Two Irishmen noticed a large placard in the window of a shop, with the words, "Butter! Butter!! Butter!!!" printed on it in giant type. "Pat." said Mike, "what's tlie meaning of them big strokes after the words?" "Och, ye ignoramus," said Pat, "sure they're meant for shillelahs to show that it's Irish butter." | FINDS KEEPS. - The old maid living in No. 46 was very agitated when she went up to the police station. "Oh, constable, I found a dead cat on my front verandah this morning. What will I do about it?" "Well, madam," he advised her, "you can't claim it just yet; but if no one asks for it withiu thirty days, the law allows you to claim it as your own property." LITERALLY. Sirs. Swank held up the frock so that her husband could see it. "Disgusting!" she said. "What do you think the postage on this frock was?" Swank, goured by years of married life and a string of bills miles long, looked over his glasses. "Well," he said, "I couldn't say "With any degree of certainty, I but I should think one. stamp would cover \ it." .-."■. A REQUEST NUMBER. The leader of the cafe orchestra beamed when an inebriated diner came over and asked, "Shay, will youse chaps play by requesh?" "Yes, Bir, certainly. Only too pleased to play by request." "Good old shport!" The merry one clapped him on the back. "What about playin' a HI game er euchre jush until I finish dinner?" ' NO HURRY. Magistrate: "How do you know you were going only fifteen miles an hour?" Defendant: "Why, I was on my way to thedentist's." ARMS AND THE MAN. Gwendoline: "Oh, George, how fast your heart is beating! It sounds like a drum." George: "Yes, darling! It's the call to arms." FAMILIARITY. Smith: "And do the people next door borrow 111110!) i'rom you?" Jones: "Borrow! Why, I feel morn at home in their house than in my own. SIGNS AND PORTENTS. "Papa, it says in this book: 'The woman Bobbed, tore her hair, beat her breast,' and fainted.' What does that mean?" "That she wanted a new fur coat, my son" 1 CHRISTMAS IN ABERDEEN 7. An Aberdonian at Christmas gave his family a cold. ORIGINS. Friend: "You look ill." Furrier: "Yes, I dreamt that all the animals who go to make «y furs were standing round my bed." Friend: "But you are not afraid of a few rabbits?" ABSENT. ■ A motorist was.up before the Magistrate on a charge of driving his car while 111 a state of general befuddlement. A policeman was giving evidence. _ "When I came upon the scene, sir, he said, "I found the defendant engaged m a heated argument with the Mayor about the condition of the road." "Well, commented the Magistrate, "that docs not reflect oh him in any way. It proves nothing." "No, sir," answered Ihfi constable gravely: "but the Mayor wasn't there."

BARELY ESCAPED. •Tones: "I hear you barely escaped from the fire at your hotel last night." Bones: "That's not true. I had my pyjamas on." THE BUSH. "Over in California we have a lilac bush fifty feet high." "I wish I could lilac that." TWO SIDES. • "Tli ere are two sides to every question," proclaimed the wise man. ''Yes,' said the fool, "and there are two sides to a sheet of flypaper, but it mitkes_a difference to the Hy which side he chooses.' BOTANICAL OBSERVATIONS. Forrest—l bare always noticed something rather extraordinary about widows' weeds. Paddock—Oh! What's that? « Forrest—They seldom interfere with the growth of orange blossoms on the same soil. GYMNASTICS. "Take care of yourself, dear," said tha public speaker.! wife, as her husband' set off for an open-air meeting. "Yes, yes, I will," he answered. "That's right," she said, '"and, remember, don't stand with your bare liead on the damp ground."

BOTH AFTER PERMANENCY. Miss Browne—i frankly adroit 1 am looking for a husband. Mrs. Greene—So am I. "But I vhought you had one." "So I have? and I spend most of my time looking for him." ~» • CLARENCE'S LAZY ' PARENT. Little Clarence was of an inquiring turn of mind, and was always seeking knowledge, but .usually his fond mother managed to answer his questions. The other day he asked: "Why does daddie go to town every day, mother?" ■.-■.• "He goes to work," his mother explained, "so that we can have good dinners." A day op two later, as Clarence took his place at the dinner table, he surveyed the things on their dishes with a disparaging glance. Suddenly he turned a suspicious eye on his father. "You didn't do much to-day, did you?" *he remarked with a sniff. Daughter: "But, Daddy, why do you object to my becoming engaged? Is it because of my youth?'" . .Father: "Yes—he's hopeless." THAT MEMORABLE NIGHT. She: "It was a storm like this when you declared your love to me." He: "Yes, that was a terrible night.' NOT SO PLEASED—EH? A short time back a certain city financier was invited to a w,eek's shooting in Scotland by his host, and boasted to a number of new-found friends of the splendid time he was going to have. ', When he returned from Scotland, his friends saw him at the club as usual, and oDe asked whether he made a good bag; "No," said the financier, "I didn't shoot anything, with the exception of my dog." "Your dog?" echoed the other, amassed. "Was he mad, then?" "Well," drawled the other, "you can bet your sweet life he wasn't so durned pleased about it.'" LIQUIDATED.' Redd: "I see Brown's got a new cay." White: "Yes, his rich uncle gave it to Redd: "Why, he told me he put all the money he had into it." White: "So he did. He bought two gallons of petrol for it." NO GO. The latest "nonsense" story from New York concerns a man who asked a wellinformed friend, "Where do all the old motor-cars go?" "They don't," was the reply. . WHY COOK LEFT. It was late. The door bell rang. The doctor opened the door, expecting a request for his services. "Miss Caroline Tompkins?" said the late caller. Miss Tompkins -was the doctors cook." "She has retired," said the doctor. "This for her," said the man, handing the doctor a package from which peeped flowers and buds and leaves. "One of cook's admirers," the doctor mused, "has brought her a bouquet." Me walked into the kitchen and placed the package in a basin. An indignant cook stood before him the next morning. "T wish to give notice," she announced. "I'll not stay another day in a house where some varmint puts my new hat in a dish of water." " OUT OF TIME. The orchestra was doing its worst, and a man in the audience fathomed his brain for the title of the piece. At last he turned to his neighbour and asked, "What's this piece out of?" "Time," came the ready reply. WANTED TO KNOW. "Oh, Mummy," exclaimed the little girl, "that's a funny looking fish; What kind is it?" "That's a jelly fish, dear," her mother "How nice! What flavour, Mother?" PERHAPS.' Doolan and Rafferty were examining a public building with considerable interest. "Doolan,'' said Rafferty, pointing to aninscription cut in stone,' "phwat does thim letters 'MDCCCXCVII' mane?" "Thot," replied Doolan, "manes eighteen hooudrcd an' noinely-sivin." j "Doolan," wid Rafferty, after a thoughtful pause, "don't yen think they're ovevdoin' this spoiling reform a bit?"