Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXI, Issue 68, 21 March 1931, Page 21

Wit and Humour

Husband (newly married): Don't you think, love, if I smoke it would spoil the curtains? Wife: Ob, you are really the most unselfish and thoughtful husband to be found anywhere. Certainly it would. Husband: Well, then, take the curtains down.

It was Sunday morning, and the conductor, as his bus rattled along, was not quite as wideawake as usual. At all events, he didn't observe the small boy who dashed out of a house shouting, "Hi, there, stop!" It was only when a passenger had prodded him in the leg that he beeanio. aware of the pursuing boy. The conductor looked disparagingly at the boy. but declared ho had better pull up. "Now, then, shaver, hop on," he said when the boy panted up. "Who are you callin' "shaver'?" inquired the youth scornfully "An* what d'you mean by runnin' away from customers 'Ere, mother wants two a'pennies for this penny. She's goin' to church."

"Jake, 1 be terrible troubled with a pain in my hip, and I dunno what it can be," said old George to his park friend. "Touch o' rheumatism, most likely," suggested Jake. "Nay, I don't think so," declared George, " 'cos the pain is only in the one spot. ] 1 think it must be a touch o' that hypnotism." j

Mr. Newlywed: I wish you wouldn't bake any more biscuits, wifie, dear. Mrs. N.: But I thought you liked biscuits? Mr. £}.: I do, darling, but you re too frail for such heavy work.

The reporter was interviewing the famous film actress. "I gather from what you have told me that you believe in marriage?" "I certainly do,' replied the actress. "Personally, I have been, am, and am going to be—married."

Fruiterer: Hey, what are you doing taking that orange? Sandy: "Well, mon, if there s seven for sixpence, there'll be six for -fivepence, five for fourpenee, four for threepence, three for twopence, two for a permy —and one for nowt!"

"That .fiirl swimmer is a record-holder." "What's Jim' record " "Rescued eighteen times in two weeks."

First Lady (willing to let bygones be bygones): '"Appy New Year, Mrs. Meggs. Second Lady (not): "You keep yer 'appiness till you're asked for it—if you please."

The schoolmaster was lecturing his class upon their jack of hardihood. "Many Roman boys," he said, "were made to swim the Tiber three times before breakfast." The class was considerably impressed by this, feat until one inquiring young gentleman asked politely: "Why didn't they swim it four times, sir, so that they'd arrive back on the side where they left their clothes?"

"I shall be so happy, darling, when you give me a ring," she murmured. "Yes, of course. Er—what's your number?"

Priscilla: "The worst of Augustus is, he looks such a fool." Norah: "Yes; it's rotten when they look like it as well."

Mrs. Smith: "My husband talks in his sleep. Doesn't yours?" Mrs. Jones: "No, it's so exasperating. He only smiles."

Fond Mother (cuddling infant): "Isn"t he a beauty? What price baby, eh?" Neglected Father: "Slightly above 'pa,' I should Bay!" The ariibitious wife of a millionaire gave a big dinner party. Her husband, who had made his money as the inventor of a patent rat poison, was silent during tile dinner. As the ladies left the room, his wife found an opportunity to whisper to him: "Why on earth don't you talk?" "Talk?" he replied. "Why, what's the use of it? Not a single person here knows anything about rats or rat poison."

The wife of a man who had enlisted in the Navy handed the- pastor of a church the following note: "Peter Bowers having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety." The minister glanced over it hurriedly and announced: "Peter Bowers, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

"Jones, seeing Smith dashing along the village street with a first-aid outfit asked: "Has there been an accident?" "Yes," replied Smith. "The old mare has kicked my mother-in-law in the head." "Is she much hurt?" "I don't think so, but I'm. taking no chances. I'm off to bandage her leg."

"Yes," began the young story-teller, "when I was in London I had a job at the Zoo, and one of the lions, a big fellow, hadn't been fed for a week. Do you know what I did?" "What did you do?" asked a listener. "I went straight into his cage in front of a crowd* of people, snapped my fingers and said 'Poof,' and came out." "My word, that was risky, wasn't it?" "Oh, 1 don't know," answered the storyteller. ''You see, tho lion was dead."

"Where does she get her good looks?" "From her dad." "Handsome man, eh?" "No—chemist."

He: I've been spending a holiday at a watering place. She: Why, Harry told me you were on a farm. He: Yes, a dairy farm.

A deputation visited a jeweller's. "We want to buy a solid silver coffee pot for our M.P.," said the spokesman. "In that case, sir," suggested the jeweller, "you will be wanting something with a long spout."

He: Just one little kiss before I go. She: Well, you'll have to make it snappy —father will come home in about an hour.

Benevolent Visitor: Do any of your friends ever come to see you here Convict 131313: No, ma'am; they're all here with me.

Hubby: You know, dear, I'm not perWiiey: Yes, I know it, but I didn't think you did.

"You here, James!" exclaimed the lady visitor to the gaol. "Ycs'm," replied the prisoner, who was charged with burglary. "Well, well! I certainly am surprised/ said the lady. "So was I, ma'am, or I wouldn t be here now," replied the prisoner.

"Yes, I've hunted all over the world —India—Africa—the winterless Northeverywhere." "Keally! What had you lost?"

Parson: "Well, Patrick, I am sorry to hear that you have broken off your engagement. How's that?" Patrick: "Well, sorr, she's got no money, or work, and begorra how's she to keep a husband?"

Bill the boilermaker returned to his work on the Monday morning with his face heavily bandaged, and was immediately surrounded by his workmates. "Well, Bill, have yer 'ad an accident wi' a motor?" "No," says Bill. "I wer' on a job inside a boiler, an' put me nose through a rivet 'ole for a breath of fresh air—an' a silly blighter thought it was a red-hot rivet!"

The young hopeful had huen a source of trouble all through the meal, and at its finish a woman friend turned to the child's mother and said: "If your boy belonged to me I shouldn't stand his nonsense at meal times. I should give him a good thrashing." "But," said the mother, "you cannot spank the poor little chap on a full stomach." "No," was the reply, "but you can turn him over."

The stout woman had been in the boot shop nearly half an hour, and the patient shop assistant had had half the 'stock down for her inspection. "These would suit you," he said, as a last resource, taking down yet another pair. But still she was not satisfied. "I don't like these," she said. "They have a tendency to get wider when they are a bit old." "Well, madam," replied the exasperated assistant, "didn't you?"

Bride of a week (sobbing): "I am so unhappy. Peter does not love me any more." Mother: "What has he done, the wretch ?" Bride: "He said that out of a hundred women there was only one as pretty as I am." Mother: "But there is nothing wrong with that." Bride: "But before we were married he said a thousand."

Fred met Dick on the way to the station. "Good gracious, old man," said Fred, "how did you manage to hurt your eye?" "It was done by a man whose wedding I attended as best man," Dick explained. "Just because I kissed his bride." _ "But, my dear old man," explained his friend, "it's the custom for the best man to kiss the bride." Dick put his hand to the injured eye. "Yes, I know it is," he replied. "But this was five months after the ceremony.' ,

"Now," said the teacher, "I want you to write an essay of about 500 words on any subject" you like—your father's bicycle, or some everyday thing like that." A steady scratching of pens was heard for some moments. Then the teacher noticed that Johnny Smith had apparently finished. She went across to see. "My father has a bicycle," she read. "He went for a ride to Onehunga on it yesterday. He had a skid. His bicycle was smashed. That's about twenty words. Father said the. other four hundred and eighty carrying the bicycle home."

A Scotsman had been feeling very queer and went to consult a specialist. After a thorough examination the doctor said. "Well," the only thing for you to do is to give up drinking and smoking and go to bed early. . . "What's that?" said the patient in horror, "Nae whusky?" "No," said the doctor, "and also no smoking." "And I'm tae gae tae me bed early?" "Yes," was the firm reply. At this the Scotsman took up his hat and prepared to leave. ''Have you not forgotten .something?" asked the specialist. "What's that?" asked the patient. '"The fee for my. advice," the doctor replied. "Yere advice! Am no taking yerc confoonded advice!" cried the Scotsman, as he walked out;