Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CXI, Issue 38, 14 February 1931, Page 24

Wit and Humour

HARD LUCK. Timid Bather: "I suppose you've saved dozens of people?" Life Saver: "I 'aye, in my time, but lately, wot wiv the rheumatiz' an' oue thing an' another, they allus seem to drown afore I can get to 'em!" EASY THING. She: "It must be very hard to lose money at the races." He: "Not a bit. It's the easiest thiug in the world." PUZZLING. Magistrate: "The sigus all said, 'Slow Dowu.' " Motorist: "But how could I read them at the speed I was going?" HITTING BACK. Golfer (to Irish caddie): "Don't you think I've improved a good deal since I began?" Caddie (anxious to pay a compliment): "You have, sorr. But sure it was aisy for you to improve, sorr." SETTLED. Prisoner (after being sentenced to six months' imprisonment): "That settles it!" Magistrate: "Settles what?" Prisoner: "The holiday question! I've been wondering whether to go to my mother's or my wife's mother's for my summer holidays. Now I won't have to go to either."

ANXIOUS. Merry: "Is your wife a good cook?" Bright: "Oh, yes. She's always threatening to leave me." . HE'D GOT TO! New Resident (to butcher's boy): "Could you tell me, is there a sweep in the village?" Butcher's Boy: "Yes'm. First and second division clubs only. Tickets, sixpence each." UNCERTAIN. Captain of unsuccessful batting side: "I can't get anyone to stay in with Jones." Dear Old Lady: "Indeed. I thought he was so popular." CHECKMATED. She had asked him for a cheque—and that started it. "Whenever I stay at home," he remarked, "instead of going to the club, you are always wanting money. You seem to think that life is just a game o£ chess—nothing but cheque, cheque, cheque!" "So it is. if you don't give it to me," she returned. . "It will still be a game at chess —for it will be pawn, pawn, pawn!" TRUE TO TYPE. Cohen entered the bus with his smnll son. "How much for ■my little boy?" he asked the conductor. "He's entitled to ride free, if under four." "But he will occupy a seat." "That makes no difference," replied the conductor. "Veil," said Cohen, "how much discount will you give me if I leave him it home?" IN LUCK'S? WAY. Steve: "Smith has the fastest car in this district; he travels ninety miles an hour." Henry: "Some car. What's he want such a speed demon for?" Steve: "He's got to have it, as he's advertising his land as being five minutes from the station." HUSHED UP. Mr. Q.: "Why do you call your baby 'Scandal'?" Mr. P.: "Because, try as we will, we can't hush her up." PUTTING HIS HAND IN IT. "Please excuse my glove," said the punctiliously polite man as he shook hands. "Certainly," said his friend, "mine are nearly as bad." TAKE WITH A PINCH. Vicar: "Now, who can tell me why Lot's wife was turned into a pillar of salt?" Bright Scholar: "Please, sir, she wasn't satisfied with her lot." NOT GUILTY. The manager's face was purple with rage. He was standing outside his private office listening to the dulcet voice of his junior saleslady talking over the telephone. "I love you, dear," she cooed. "I am weeping my heart away. Speak to me once more. I love you, dear, I love you so!" Hanging up the receiver she emerged, meeting the manager. "Miss Jones," he stormed, "that telephone is here for business, not for lovemaking." "Oh," she explained sweetly, "but I was only ordering new songs for the music department!" TOLD THE TRUTH. The music swelled louder and louder, the pianist seemed to work himself into ;i frenzy, and then it suddenly dwindled down to nothing. "You were quite right about your piano playing, young man," said the hostess, approaching from the other side of the room. "I am glad you're enjoying it," returned the youthful Paderewski. "Yes," continued the hostess. "You said you'd rattle a few things off on the piano, and two vases have already disappeared."

HE WON THE BET. Mother: "I saw that young man kiss you by the gate to-night! I am terribly shocked. I did not for a moment imagine lie would dare take such a liberty, knowing full well that you are already engaged to a young man." Daughter: "Nor did I, ma. In fact, I bet him a pair of gloves he daren't!" AN UP-TO-DATE EXCUSE. A man went into a stationer's shop and asked to see some notepaper o£ good quality. He was shown some by the assistant. "But, I say," remarked the customer, "this paper hasn't the usual water mark." "Well, sir," replied the assistant, "that is on account of the recent drought, you know." A WASTE OP MONEY. Brown was a very slow-driving motorist. To his credit, be it said, he had not been convicted of any motoring offence, not even of obstructing the highway. One day he gave a friend a lift in his car to the ctiy. "I say," remarked his friend, "why don't you get one of those mirrors that reflect the traffic behind?" "It would ■be no use to me," replied Brown, "anything that got behind me would be in front before I could see the reflection."

BYSTANDER. Smith—What's the idea of liavjng your new car made like a canoe, Brown? Brown—So much safer for the wife to drive ,now, for we live near the river, old man. DEPTH. "Can you swim, Jones?" "Yes, Smith." "Can you swim a length?" "No!" "Can you swim a breadth?" "No!" "Then what can you swim?" "A depth." CONFUSING. The car sped along through the rather monotonous country. Suddenly the landscape began to brighten up. "Oh, the lovely creek!" cried the girl in the back seat. "Hush, my dear!" said her mother, "I know it does creak a bit, but you must remember it is very good of your host to take us out for a drive at all." JUST .THE THING. A gentleman, finding in his cellar some ale on the verge of spoiling presented it to the workmen on his estate as a seasonable present. Some time afterwards he met the foreman. "Well, Giles, did you and your men have that ale?" "Ycsj sir. Thank you.'' "How did you like it?" "Oh, it was just the thing for us, sir." "That's right. But what do you mean by 'just the thing'?" "Why, sir, if it 'ad been a little better we shouldn't a' 'ad it, and if.it 'ad been a little worse we. couldn't a' swallowed it." KEEPING IT DARK. Mr. Little—Why did you get me such big shirts? These arc four sizes too large for me. His Wife—They cost just the same as your size, and I wasn't going to let a strange clerk know I married such a little shrimp as you. ANOTHER KECOKD. Bandmaster (talking of field day)—Yos, and we was tired. The band had to stand the whole day long. Wit—Why, that's nothing. D'you know, in our park at home you can see a bandstand for months on end. TOMMY'S PROGRESS. Tommy's Father— lv your master satisfied with you, Tommy? Tommy (home for the Christmas vacation)—Oh, yes, Dad. After the last exam, he said to me, "If all the pupils were like you, Brand, I'd shut up my school this very clay." SPEED FOR HIM. "Thinking of buying one of our cars, sonny?' inquired the facetious feliow on a stand at the.motor show. "No," replied the diminutive telegraph messenger, who, having delivered his message, was taking a look round, "I've got to travel fast on my job." THE TIFF. She—Yes, I'm sorry I married you; so there! He—Oh! You were no young bird when I married you. " She—No. But considering what I got, you must admit I was an early bird. / . RIGHT ENOUGH. Some little time ago a foreman, walkiug round inspecting some work, came across Bill, the labourer, who, after having done his job several times, appeared to be finished. "Have you got it right now, Bill?" inquired the foreman."Yus, it's, near enough," said Bill. "But," said the foreman, "near enough won't do; I.want it right." "Well, it's right," growled Bill. "Oh, well, that's near enough," said the foreman. POLITENESS. "How are you getting on at school, Jack?" "Oh, fine, dad. I learnt to say 'Please' and 'Thank you' in French." "Well, that's more than you've evev learnt in English."

SHE WOULD HEAR. Mistress—You asked for a reference, so here it is. You will see I have described you as lazy, untidy, dishonest, and good-for-nothing, so don't let me hear from you again." Maid —You won't, madam. You'll hear from my solicitors. SOMETIMES. The prisoner .was on trial on a charge of burglary. He protested his innocence and pleaded an alibi. "Do you know what an alibi is?" asked the Judge. "Yes, m'lord," replied the prisoner. "An alibi is proving that you were iv one place when you were in another." CERTAINLY NOT. "Does yo' take this woman for thy lawfully wedded wife?" asked the- coloured parson, glancing at the diminutive, wateryeyed, bow-legged bridegroom, who stood, beside two hundred and ten pounds of feminine assurance. "Ah takes nothing'," responded the bridegroom, gloomily. "'Airs being tooked." ADD SARDINES. Teacher—Now, Margie, how many bones: have you in your body? Margie—Nine hundred. Teacher—That's a great many more than I have. Margie—But, teacher, I had sardines .for lunch. QUITE LIKELY. "I think marriages are really made iv heaven, don't you?" "Well, if all men took as long to propose as you, most of them would have to be." MIXED GRILL. The professor's wife asked him to take down a wireless recipe for her. Unfortunately he got two stations mixed, and the recipe read as follows: — "Hands on hips, place one cup of flour on shoulders, raise knees and depress toes, and mix thoroughly in a cup of milk. Repeat six times, inhale quickly one half teaspoonful of baking powder, lower the legs, and mash two boiled eggs in a sieve. Exhale, breathe naturally, and sift into a bowl. Attention! Lie flat on back, and roll the white of an egg backwards and forwards till boiled. In ten minutes remove from fire and- rub smartly with a rough towel. Dress in warm flannels and serve with fish soup." ENTERPRISE. The whole Smith family, was busily engaged wrapping old newspapers, rubbish, etc., in neat brown paper packages when a friend arrived. . . He was puzzled; so Mrs. Smith explained it all to him. "They're for little Willie. 'E runs up tor women with one and 'c says, ' 'Ere, madam, yer dropped ycr parcel,' an' nearly always they takes it an' gives 'im sixpence for bein' 'onest." KNEW THEM ALL. Husband: "Did you get a maid from the registry office?"' AVife: "No." Husband: "Weren't there any there?" AVife: "Dozens—but we had had them all.". . ■ ' QUITE RIGHT. "Why have you ■written the ' word 'bank' in the middle of a sentence with a capital 'B'?" asked the teacher. "Because my pa said a bank was no good unless it had a large, capital." , LETTING 'HIM DOWN. The new member of a southern borough council felt, very proud of ..himself, and nodded amicably at any passerrby whom he thought he had seen before. "Excuse me, sir,": responded one man to whom he had given a particularly affable bow, "'but I think'l saw your likeness in the papers." "Er—yes, my photograph has been rather prominent lately," gushed the new member. "I thought I could tell your face again," continued the other. "And, do you know, I've tried that very same medicine for my rheumatism and it hasn't cured me." QUESTION OF TENSE. Father: "The sentence, 'I had a lot of money,' is in the past tense. Now, Harry, what tense would you say 'I have a lot of money' is in?" Harry: "Oh, that would be in pretence."