Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CX, Issue 148, 20 December 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

, THE BETTER WAY. It was the day before the annual cricket match between the rival village teams. The vicar of the village and chairman of the homo club called on the captain and gave him some money. with which to buy a new ball and a new bat. "That may help you to gain a few runsand take a few wickets," he told the captain. The following afternoon, five minutes before the match had been advertised to start, the vicar again approached the captain. "Did you get the bat and ball?" he asked. "No! Bats and balls won't help us," replied the captain emphatically. "I gave the money to the umpire." THE PLUMBER'S MATE. The plumber worked and the helper stood_ helplessly looking on. He was learning the business. This was his first . day. "Say," he inquired, "do you pay for my time?" "Certainly, you idiot," came the reply. "But I haven't done anything." The plumber, to fill in the hour, had been looking at the finished job with a lighted candle. Handing the two inches of it that were still unburned to the helper, he said witheringly: "Here, if you gotta be so darned conscientious, blow that ojit."

STRATEGY. The school cricket match came to an end, and the headmaster of the school approached the captain of the whining side to congratulate him- on the splendid victory. "What puzzles me is how you managed to get their crack batsman out for a duck," said the headmaster. < The youth smiled knowingly. "Well, sir," he explained, "it was quite easy. We brought along Brown minor to smile at his girl before he went in." SUNSHINE IN THE REAR. "It is the duty of everyone to make at least one person happy during the week," said a Sunday school "Have you done so, Freddy?" "Yes," said Freddy promptly. "That's right. What did you del?" "I went to see my aunt, and she was 4 happy went I went home." COLOUK. The party of climbers wore about to tackle a nasty stretch in the Luke District. The leader, turning to the novice of the party, said, "You're green at this job, aren't you?" "Am I?" said the beginner with a glance at the rock face. "I feel pure white." TAKE IT IN TURNS. "Do you ever havo to hurry to catch your morning train, Mr. Jones?" "Well, it's fairly, even, you know. Either I'm standing on tho platform when the train puffs in or I puff in while the train stands at the platform." THE DIFFERENCE. '•'Confound that tailor! These trousers are a mile too long.". Wife: "How much shall I turn them up?" "About half an inch." too far cone. Magistrate: "He says you knocked him senseless." Defendant: "No, sir, I did not. He was senseless long before I laid hands on him.' YERY DISTANT. "Is she a distant relation of yours?" "Yes. Why?" "I thought she had a far-away look in her eyes!" VERBOSITY. They were discussing tho bore of the Seaside boarding-house. "He would talk a dog's hind leg off," observed Smith. "And even then," answered Brown, "he would go on with the talc." A GOOIT"CRIE.R." Fond Mother—What do you think baby will be when he grows up? Exasperated Father (fed up)—l don't know. Town crier, most likely. NOT VERY r-AUTICULAR. "Have you brought- anv witnesse.-?'' asked a Scottish clergyman of a middle-aged-couple who had come to be married, "No, we ne'er thought o' that. Is it necessary?" "Oh certainly," said'the minister. "You should have a groomsman and bridesmaid as witnesses." "Who can we get, Jen, do you think?" The bride so addressed suggested a female cousin whom the bridegroom had not previously seen, and after consultation a man was also thought of. "Step ye awa' alang, Jen, an' ask them, and I'll walk aboot till ye come back." Jen set out as desired, and after some tune returned with the two friends, the cousin being a blooming lass some few years younger than the bride. The minister was about to proceed with the ceremony when the bridegroom suddenly said: ' "Wad ye bide a wee, sir?" "What is it now?" asked the minister. "Weel, I was just gaun to say that, if it wad bo the same to ye, I wael rather hao that anc," pointing to the bridesmaid. "A most extraordinary .statement to make at this stage! I'm afraid it is too late to talk of such a thing now." "Is it?" said the bridegroom, in a tone of calm resignation. "Well, then, ye maun just gang on!.'*

A TERRIBLE" RUSH. On his way home the other clay Smith met a married friend of his running homewards at top speed with a curious-looking parcel under his arm. "Hallo, Jim!" ho yelled. "Why this hurry?" Jim did not stop, but shouted over his shoulder: "New hat for my wife! Running home before it is out of fashion." SACKED. The master-builder observed a workman, pipe in mouth, lounging against the wall of the house they were constructing. The master promptly gave the man a week's wages and discharged him. Meeting the foreman soon afterwards, he told him what he had done. ""What!" cried the foreman. "He wasn't one of our men at all." MORE UNDESIRABLES. Miggs was a poet. Not a great poet, but a most enthusiastic one. One day a constable arrested him for being drunk, and at the police station he poured forth a torrent of fiery speech. He concluded the oration with: "Why, I am not as profligate as Byron nor as debased as Swift. The orgies and debaucheries of those men " "Make a note of those names, constable," the sergeant interrupted Miggs. "I don't think they're in our district, but they're bad eggs by the way he's speaking of them."

LOOKED ALL RIGHT. Garnishee was the plaintiff in a Court case. When his name was called he rose up in the jury box. , Judge Horsehair stared at him. "What are you doing there?" he.thundered. "I was chosen to serve on the jury, your Honour," replied Garnishee. "Don't you realise, my man, that you can't sit on a jury and try your own case?" continued the Judge. "Well, I suppose you're right," said Garnishee apologetically, "but I certainly thought it a great bit of luck." NO ALTERNATIVE. Angus had been engaged to his lass.for a few years. They then decided that they were not suited for one another, and would break off the engagement. Jennie had grown., though, and she could not remove the ring from her finger to return it to him. When sho tolel him of this, he turned to her. "Ah, well, Jenny lass, we better get married the noo." GOT HIM. ' Despite attempts to stop him by one of the office staff, the commercial thrust his presence upon the magnate. "It's no good," angrily exclaimed the latter, "I' can't see you." "How fortunate!" retorted the commercial; "I represent Spottem aud Co., the renowned oculists. Just try this pair, sir —you'll see me all right then!" WRONG. It was a lovely morning. The train . stopped at a village station, and an enthusiastic tourist leaned out of the carriage window. "Isn't this exhilarating?" he exclaimed, as lie rubbed his hands. "No, it ain't," replied a passing porter, with a glare, ."it's Eckington." CORRECT. Boy—What animal is satisfied with least nourishment? Bright Sister.—The moth. It eats holes. TIME TO RE-CHARGE. Mother —Our son at college is getting to be quite a live wire. Dad—Yes, he charges everything. GUILTY OR NOT GUILTY. Teacher—Who signed the Magna Charta? Youngster—Please, teacher, 'twasn't mo. Teacher (disgustedly)—Oh, take your seat. Sceptical Member of School Board— Here, call that boy back. I don't like his looks. I believe he did it. BEAT THEM ALL. Shearing had cut out at, all the sheds in the district, and most of the shearers were at the hotel trying to outdo one another in extravagant llashiiess. One lit his pipe with a ten-shilling note, and this .spurred one or two others on to greater deeds. One Lore a pound note into small l'its. Andrew M'Keuzio went over to the hotelkoeper and said, "Could ye oblec'ge me wi' a blank cheque form, moil?" He signalled the crowd over to watch him, and after writing out an open cheque for £25, he tore it, with a magnificent x gesture, into fragments and threw them away. TIEARD THAT ONE. The old veteran was on his favourite topic—his experiences as a soldier in all parts of the world. "I remember the lime when we were stationed near Babylon. Why, it was so hot that we used to toast our bread in the sun, and " "Yes, I know," interrupted a youngster, "and they supplied you with corkscrews to draw your breath." ARMS AND THE MAN. Gwendoline—Oh, George, how fast your heart is beating! It sounds like a drum. George—Yes, darling! It's the call to arms. FAST ONE. Undertaker —Come, come, where is the sixth pallbearer? The Minister—Pardon, sir, he's proposing to the widow.