Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CX, Issue 137, 6 December 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

FOREGONE CONCLUSION.

APPEARANCES.

COATS AND PANTS. A horse dealer was trying to sell a. windbrolceu horse, and was trotting him round for inspection. "Hasn't he a lovely coat?".ho remarked to the prospective buyer. "Oh, yes, his coat is all right, but I don't like his pants," came the quick reply. • ' ■

NO HURRY.

Magistrate: , "How do you know you were going only fifteen miles an hour'?" .Defendant: '"Why, I was on my way to the dentist's."

EASY.

''Why don't you send iv your account! every months" asked Brown of his newsagent. "If.you leave it over too long the amount comes as* a bifr,of a blow." I I "WelK you see," explained the news- j 'agent, "I never ask a gentleman to pay his a.ccount." , . "Never ask him?" echoed Brown, won-, deringly. ' "But what happens, if he dqesn't pay—what do you do?" "That's easy," came the answer. _ "If he doesn't pay I conclude that he isn't a gentleman, so I ask him for it."

OMINOUS.

Hubby:; "I hear that young Montmorency has .just, become engaged to Marian Lever." Wife: "Well, I hope he won't." Hubby: "Won't what?" Wife: "Marry an' leave her!"

A. RESOURCEFUL SOLDIER.

The talk was of the versatility of disabled Diggers, and "Bluey" held the floor. "Yer can talk about. yer . one-legged hodcarrier," he said, "but.none can come up ter the one-armed stquemason. we had on a buildm' iv 'Brisbane. ' He was marvellous. He was a stonemason before the war, but-he would 'go back to 'is old game." • ' "How on earth did he-manage.' two or three asked. "Well," said "Bluey," "it was a bit awkward for' him at first, but he soon got the hang of it. He used ter, 'old the ehisel-'in his teeUi "n' ''it himself on the back of the head with the hammer."

ON STRICT DIET.

The' doctor was very puzzled when Mrs. | Muldoou told him that bet. husband was not recovering very rapidly from his. illness. .- . . .. ■-,-,. "H'm,; that's funny." he mused. "By the way," he added, "I told him to have one pint of milk, "'.two, apples, and two wheatmeal rolls at .meal;times. Has he kept strictly to that?" • "Well,' doctor," she answered, "ho'tries hard, but'by the time he has ordinary food he. doesn't feel much like . eating all that extra. . Often lie's that full he. has to leave some milk or an apple.'

TOOK HIS WORD.

Brown inserted, an advertisement in a Saturday newspaper oiiering his car for sale. At 8 p.m. the door bell rang, and a man asked to see the car. "It's'out in front," 'said; Brown. • : He.. had no garage, so parked it there. : "There's no ear there," said the man— and he was right. Brown's advertisement read: "For sale,- good car.. A gift. First to.see.wilLtakeiit." ■ The first man to see took it.all.right. . FAMILIAR. Tho'managing director permitted no cordiality or familiarity between the heads of the-firm and the employees. ' i Judge his surprise, then, when ■an . as- j I sistant one day remarked affably to him: ! "Well, sir, it looks.as though we are going to have some fine weather.at last.". The managing director turned on him. "We! Well, I like your; impertinence," he growled. "How long have you been a director? Until you are one, please remember that, there is uo "'we' as far as you are concerned." I

TACTLESS.

Mr. Brown Had just returned from the oflice, and was. introduced to the new nurse, who was astonishingly pretty.

! "She is sensible aud scientific, too," said Mrs. Brown, "and she says she will allow no one to kiss the baby while she is near." "No one-would want to," replied Brown tiredly. ' . ~-,..• "Oh, indeed. John!" snapped the font! mother. . . "I mean," faltered Brown, endeavouring to make tilings better, "not while she is near." The pretty nurse received marching orders the following'day.

WAS IT FAIR?

The two high handicap golfers sliced their drives into the rough grass- behind some trees. For v long time they searched for the missing balls, and all the time an old lady watched from a nearby bench. After the. search -had been iv progress for about ten minutes .the onlookers spoke to the,golfers. ■ ■ . "I say," she said, "I do hope I'm not interrupting, but'would.it be .cheating if I told you where the balls are?"

NEEDED.

Scribbler dashed into the editor's office. ■ . . ■ • ■ . . • I "Can I have ten bob advance on the story I'm writing?" he asked. The editor looked up from his desk. i "That is a very nmisnal request," he ■ murmured. I Seribber gave an' appealing look. "I know," he,returned, "but it's like this. I've got to a point.in the story ■where the hero sits ilowu, to a square! meal, and I -want to fii iim wght. at-1 mospiMM."

TOO RISKY. ; Pat: "I can't'get down air." : Foreman: "Why, come down the way you went up." .' ' ' Pat: "Not me/ sir. I came 'up head first."' ■ ■ ■ - •

■MIKE'S- TOLL.

Maid (after Mike-, had been ringing for teir minutes):-"Did;'you ring, sir?" Mike: "No; I was just tolling the bell. I thought you were dead." ' .

IDENTITY".

"Which is your aunt? The.one on the right'or. the .one on the .left ;of' the scarecrow?" ... .. • ...

'The one • in. the middle."

SWALLOWED.

'•But, couldn't you save your friend from the cannibals?" ; '■ , '■;■■ "No, when I arrived;he was.already off the menu."

THE ALTERNATIVE PILL. Doctor: "An operation would saveyour life." ■ " . ' '■-..-••

Patient: "How tnuch; would it cost?" » Doctor: "£50." . ...

Patient: "I don't possess 'so rmuch money." .■ • . Doctor: "Then- we will' see what pills will do.". : '

•NO BONES ABOUT-IT., The shopihad been in:the Jones family for. generations, so that ; when a large notice, "Under . New ■Management," appeared in the ; window..the villagers were very interested/and awaited curiously the coming of the new proprietor. As days vwent by and Jones, was still behind the counter, and the'notice still prominently displayed,' one. of.; the bolder spirits asked him when the7 new people were coming'in. : ■ ■ ■ •• "What, new 'people?" -replied Jones. "You've, got 'Under :'New Management' on the window." ' •' ... "Oh, that! Didn't .you. know ;I've been and got married?" • : : . . :

EFFECTIVE.

The inquisitive woihau was worrying the. gardener. She asked:a lot.of meaningless questions. .-",...::

.; "What etepa .do you -take.- with, the caterpillars?"' she asked nest..

"Well, mum,"; .said the' exasperated gardener, ; "L.takes ' half."a- 'dozen steps into 'our nearest 'field, '.and; turns the caterpillars round three tibies so that gets: giddy and'don't :know their way back." ■ . ;; ■ •■'■

THAT WAS': NOTHING.

.. The,,:class., was \lia\ting,its xyr eekly talk oq pain ting, ■ and', the . teacherl said:— "Sir, Joshua. Reynolds was : aljle, with a single stroke of his brush, .to .change a smiling face" into' a' frowning, one." : "•Tliat's. nothing," called' out little Jimmy;' "my ■ mother. :can"-' do -that!"

INVITATION.' DECLINED.

Elsie: "I .don't love Ronald any more. Last night'l wanted to.show'him how well I could whistle, and as l!pouted;my lips to whistle -" ■•.-■■■■■.■ Molly: "Well?":; . ' ' • "•' Elsie F "He-, let me w-histle." '

TOO /MANY.

'•Hello! Who is. it?" .". . ' "'Albert, sweetheart!" . . "Who? ' 1 can't.hear you!" "Albert, darling—A for Arthur,; L for Lionel, B for Bertram, E-for Edward, X for Robert, • T for TomriVie!"' •■ "Yes, but which, of you boys ■• is speaking?" ,'■'.. . ... !. •■■ .

THE LION'S SHARE.

The very stout lady-went to the Zoological Gardens and;was watching the lions feed. ~<.■■ -.-,•: ."Seems, to me,', mister,"! she said, "that ain't, a very big. piece'.of.?meat for such' an animal."- ... .... - . "Madam," said the : pplite attendant, "I suppose it does seem a small piece of meat'to you, biit.it's. big enough- for the lion."

OBLIGING.

'■Here, boy," said the fusss' man who was standing at: the entrance. to a large block of offices, "where does Mr. Smythe live?" . .' ' . "' •'Come with"me,, sir,".said the lad, and entering a doorway .he started' to climb the broad stairs. .-Up'-sir flights:be went, the visitor, following breathlessly. Finally he paused.at an open door. : "This is the floor," lie announced, "Mr. Smythe'lives in'there." ' .... * ' "Looks-as if we'd -had bad luck," remarked the visitor, peering into the room. He doesn't eeem to be here.". "No, sir," replied the boy. . "That was him standing on.the doorstep as.wecanie in." . .' ■ .

Mrs. Campbell: "Dear, I-saw- the sweetest little hat ifc.a shop to-day." Mr. Campbell: "Put.it on and-let me see how you look in ,it.'\.

A beautifully dressed American actress approached a theatrical.agent and asked him if.he. could fix, her for a job, as she was hard up. ■ , • ■ "Madam," he .said,' "Fm surprised to hear you are hard up. "I should have paid from ■ your appearance: that- America is a land 'flowing ■with-silk -and money."

WORK AND PLAY. "Fov ten years, ten long years," cried the writer, "I have ' been , writing this drama, changing a word here'and a line, there, cramped and aching, my brains and, my body weary from the toii." .- .' "Too.bad, too bad," the producer lnuxv mured. "■All work and no play."

1 , HIS TASK. . i Child-(to young man who has called)-— Sister told' me to entertain you till "sl«e comes down.

Young Man—Oh, she did, did she? Child—Yes — and I'm not to answer.too mauy questions. :

THEIR TURN.

. '"'Where are all the people running ,t't>?" "It looks as though one of the bail'ters has gone out too far." ' ■, ' "Really! Now, perhaps w'H get a couple of chairs to sit on." !

STRATEGY

Woman' (in crowded tram, to her friend) —I Wish that good-looking man would give me his seat. ■ ] Five men got up. " ~>

' PROVERBS. I Master—What is moss? ' . 1 Pupil—lt's what rolling stones don't gather, sir. i

UNFORTUNATE. : \ "'Poor old Eaggs! Bad spelling vias his ruin." "i "How was that?" j "Forged another man's name to a cheque and spelt it wrong." ; '

THE BEST WAY.

"Do you know of any way bjr; which young writers like myself can mak p money in literature?" > Editor—Urn—there is one. "I am delighted to hear it. What would you advise?" . ;

WORTH IT

The.Bore—When I left.my"last.'tlub they gave me this, silver •■svutcb, . ; Voice from behind newspayjer—Leave our club and we'll give you a gofel one.

ONE BETTER.

"I had a clear field',with Biisii yester day." ' ... "'■'■.':

"That's nothing., I had a desprted beacli with him last night." ; •-■-,■ .- .

STILL COMING.

Important -Personage (n'elcairjing aviator) —What, a marvellous engine ' ; you have! We didn't hear you .coming. '' ;. .'...'" ■ Aviator—Guess.we .we're trkifelling some. The ' sound . will be ! along .ii).;: about;:: tenminutes. . . ... ■; . ; . L ' .. -j

A BAD,SHOT;i

'•'I hardly'think," said the lawyer,'; "that you can,get a separation \'irpm-_ your-wife on account pi her making /.a, practice ■of throwing things at the dog./' '"■But;" said the man, witWthe discoloured eye,' "every time she riims at the dog she Hits-me." ''■ '■ ■. "

THE REASON \VHY

"I'd juist'love to go■ someyvh(2j;e this evening, but-I' simply haven't p, beau." ' "What about that boy ffriend of yours?" "Oh,1 ■: we've been :frien;,is about a t'ovtnight, so he hasn't a beaaf now, either."

GOT HIS COMMISSION.

An Aberdonian walkin along a London street "noticed' a "Great (Clearance Sale of Umbrellas," every article being marked' "Half Price." ;■ ' | .He stepped into tlio: sljop. "Say, mon," he began, "business iv a-/bad mj', eh?" "Indeed it is," said tfte shopman.'

"What eonunissioii wall you give me if I find you customers?" ;

"Twenty-five per cent.," was the eager reply. , j "Then I'll tak' this (one to start. w;i'," said Scotty, planking nbwn seven and sis for one marked lOs.awid before the shopman quite tumbled tp ijhe deal Scotty was out of'sight. .'..';■ j ■ .-:■-.■