Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CX, Issue 112, 8 November 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

ins "in-flu—. Clerk (.struggling with sneeze): "I've got influ ." Nervous Employer: "Yes, yes! Better take a day off." Clerk: '"Thank you, sir. 1 was saying— I've got influential friends who want me to go with them to a football match!'' KEEPING COOL. Adolphns walked into the ironmonger's shop, with a bored air. "I want a .bucket," he said. "It must be a nice big one that will hold plenty of water." The ironmonger produced his largest bucket. Adolphus made a critical examination of it. "That will do," he pronounced at last. "Please send it round to No. 10, Springfield road." He strolled over to the door. Then he turned again. "Oh, and you might send it soon," lie added, "you see, we're having a fire." A BRILLIANT SPECULATION. "Halloa. Jim, where are you going with that window?" "I'm off to town to let it out." "Let it out? You must have a slate off." "Why, my father read in the paper this morning that there was to be a grand procession in New York shortly, and that the rich folks were hiring windows, and paying as much as fifty dollars a-pieee for them."

.___ L_ _ —«i HIS JRULE. • Peter: ''Do you like spaghetti?" Paul: "As a rule." • . Peter: "Gracious, man, what on earth do you measure with it?" ' -TWINS. ■ A dignified head master, who prided himself on hia self-control," was invited to a dinner party by a society woman—and a proud mother —whose dinners were known to be rather gay.. As the headmaster expected, there was champagne, and, keeping' himself well in, hand, he drank a few glasses. At this point .somebody quietly suggested that the hostess should exhibit her children. She rang the bell, and the nurse appeared with' a dainty pink basket, in which reposed twins. When the nurse got round to the head master he rose, steadied himself, and exclaimed, "What a beautiful baby!" BREAKING IT GENTLY. "Mamma, you know we had an eighty - two-pieee dinner set?" '■ ] "Yes, darling." '. ' • ■ • "Well, it's eighty-one now." THE IDEA. The Sergeant (to Tommy late on :>arade): "Where 'aye you been?" The Tommy: "Dinin", sir." The Sergeant: "Dinin' be jiggered! You've been feedin',. that's wot you've been doin'; it's only-officers wot dines."

AN ERROR. "'Ere, George," cried a navvy to his mate, as they passed a lecture hall, where an address on 'The Era of Cleanliness' was announced, "Let's go in and hear what the bloke's got to say. I always thought it was an error myself." NO NOVICE. The first day of his holidays Binks entered the palatial seaside tearooms, and had a ham sandwich. The bill came to 2s 3d, so he sent for the manager. "Well, sir," explained the manager, "I grant that the sandwich itself might be reasonably priced at i'ourpence. This, however, is a high-class establishment. Think of our overhead expeuscs! Look at the beautiful pictures on the walls!" Biuks paid up, and left. Next day he again had a ham sandwich at the same place. But when the bill came, he placed four coppers on the table. "Not this time, not this time!" chuckled Binks. "I saw your pretty pictures yesterday!" ONLY LIKELY. Benson is one of those unfortunate individuals who is tied to a nagging wife. Being a temperate man, he did not fly to the pub in order to be away from home, but joined the ambulance brigade. Strangely enough, at his first examination, the doctor put this question to him: "Now, Benson, you are a married man. Supposing you found your-wife hanging, what would you do?" , "I'd do. all I could to help her, sir," was Benson's prompt, but somewhat ambiguous, reply. A HAPPY ENDING. . Father-in-law: "I've asked you here to dine for the last time, iny boy, for I'm sorry to tell' you I'm ruined completely. Lost every penny of my money." Son-in-law: "Great Scot! Then I married for love, after all!" JUST THE SCRAPS. Neighbour (to Mrs. Jones): "Oh, would you mind putting your scraps out for our cat while we are away? But please don't put yourself out." . A NEW NAME FOR THEM. Oue by . one the young ' scholars had struggled through their share of the reading lesson. At last it.came to little Frankie's turn.. Frankie picked up his book and began to read from where the last boy left off. Presently he came to the. word "heirloom," and he paused, unable to pronounce it correctly. The teacher, however, kindly assisted him with the pronunciation, and then said: "Do you know what 'heirloom' means, Frankie?" Frankie did not. "It means something that is handed down from father to sou," explained the teacher. "Well," exclaimed Frankie incredulously, "that's the funniest name I've ever heard for a pair of trousers." TIME PAYMENT. Patient: "Five shillings for drawing one tooth. Y rou earn your money lightly. Five shillings for a few seconds' work." Dentist: "If you like I can.draw it more slowly." BLASE. "I think this scenery is just heavenly." "Uni. I don't know. Take away the mountains and the lake, . and it is just like anywhere else." HELPFUL HINT. Motorist: "That garage man says we're carrying entirely too heavy a load." Back Seat Adviser: "Couldn't you throw out the clutch, dear?" A PATTERN, MOTHER. Mother (i-> little girl who had been sent to the henhouse for eggs): "Well, dear, were there no eggs?" Little Girl: ','No, mummie, only the one the hen uses for a pattern." .'■ OUT OF THE BOOK. The new maid said that she could cook, and so she prepared the evening meal. A little later the mistress explained to her husband, "Jane has taken this recipe out of the cookery book." "Splendid," he exclaimed after hard chewing, "it should never have been there!"

LOUD SiNGER. Charles: "What's the .racket upstairs?" Hall Porter: "The lady in, the,top flat is singiug for her friends." "Well, she must think she has friends all over the building."., • . . AFTER THE'. SMASH.; . Maid: "You know 'ow you used to worry about gettin' a match for'that Japanese vase?" ' • .' • ■ Mistress: "Yes.". .'.•.' . Maid: "Well, you needn't. worry any more." PRACTICAL" . Tho two tramps were^ making very slow progress along the winding country lane. '. , . ■ . "Ah." sighed Dusty Rhodes, gazing at a distant landscape, "ai-'t that really lovely! It makes me'feel like'the poet. He waved his arms, in the air. "I long for the wings of a dove!" he recited. _ His companion, who was wondering where the next meal was coming from, grunted. -..-.-■ "I'd much rather have the breast of a chicket," ho murmured. ; : CONSIDERATE.Mr. Suburban:- "My daughter is taking her vocal lessons abroad." Neighbour (absently): "How thoughtful!" ' ' ' :. ■ CUTTING HUMOUR. "How are things with you?" the knifegrinder's friend asked. ... ' "Splendid," was' the. answer, "everything's. as-dull as can be:" . , ; 'WEAR, ANDi TIIAR. Walter,-, aged six,-.and -Mary, .aged five, had been told to make themselves nice and clean before setting out .for a party. When the ordeal was over the two of them went downstairs lor. their mother's inspection. . ', . ' "I think you'll do," she said, after she had examined their ears, their necks> and their hands. "All the same, Mary,looks far cleaner than you do, Walter.", ' The little boy was indignant. "And so she ought!"' he,piped. . "Ive been in the world a year longer than she has." ' MASQUERADE. Dance Steward' (to gentleman in evening coat): "I am sorry, only guests in fancy'dress can be, adrnitted." ■ Guest: "Well, ■ what are you talking about. I am going .as a 'Diplomat.' " TELLING HIM'NICELY: Burly Ruffian (to timid pedestrian): "Got a penny, please,'stranger! Me an' Bill wants ter toss ■it an' see which of us takes yer watch an'. which yer. pocket book!" ■ ' . . INDIGNANT. She: "You only married me because I was the heiress of my -rich aunt." He (indignantly): "Don't say that—l would have married 'you' had she been a distant relation." : ' ; FRUITFUL' TOPIC. "All the trouble in the Garden of Eden . was caused by an apple." "No, it was caused by a green pair!" WORTH SOME SACRIFICE. Restaurant Proprietor: "Our violinist : hero was offered a thousand dollars for ; that instrument last week." Guest: "I can't go that high, but I'll give him twenty dollars if he'll quit right: now." ■.■■■'•■ A PLEASURE. Mrs. Flanagan: "I hear yer husband's in gaol." • Mrs. O'Reilly: "Yes; an' it's about time. Here we been pinchin' ourselves for three years to pay taxes to keep it goin', an' this is the first chance we've ever had to use it." HIS EXPERIENCE. Stranger (to hotel proprietor): "Have yon a vacancy among your waiters" Hotel Proprietor:■'"Well, I don't know. I suppose I might make a place for a man of fine address like you. Have you ever had any experience in waiting?" Stranger: "Well, I should say so. I waited thirteen years to marry a girl, and last week she married: another fellow." i

CHEAPER. Joues: "i want you to see ray new card table." Smith: "AH right. Give me the address of the place you got it from." Jones: "What for?" . ' : Smith: "If they've got the same''thing, it won't cost me so much to look at it there." KNOWS HER CATALOGUE. "You can get anything at a mail order house," remarked the lady next door. "Everything, alack! but a male," sighed the old maid. THE TRUTH. * Thomas: "Did Rosa tell you the truth when you inquired her age.?" Roque: "Yes." Thomas: "What did she say?" Roque: "She told me it was no business of mine." REVISED VERSION. Sonny: "Must I sleep in the dark?" Mother: "Yes." "Oh, then, let me say my prayers over again—more carefully." IT TAKES TWO. Winkler: "How can I keep postage stamps from sticking together?" Blinker: "Buy 'em one at a time!" YOU NEVER CAN TELL. Piggey: "Is my face dirty, or is it my imagination '{" Wiggly: "Your face isn't; I don't know about your imagination." : THE OLD TROUBLE. "How's your car running?" "Not so good. I can't keep it throttled down." "How's your wife?" "Oh, she's about the same." THE CONTRACT. "Is your new son-in-law a good provider?" "He can just about keep my. daughter iu gloves. I pay for everything else." "Then he deceived you as to his circumstances." "No. I remember he merely asked for her hand." THE FALL OF NELSON. The curtain had just fallen on a very creditable tableau of the Death of Nelson, shown to slow music, by; village per- ' formers, when one, who was known to i be a friend of the cottager who impersonated the hero, rose and tried to make his way to the stage. "Keep your seats please," said the stage manager, "we're much obliged for your kind applause, and we're going to give you the Death of Nelson over again." "Oh, are yer?" said the Hero's friend, "then if you'll tell Nelson 'is kitchen chimley's afire, and 'is wife's 'ad a couple of fits, p'raps 'e won't die so blessed lingering." i PROFITABLE SILENCE. Gyer: "There goes a man who has . fortune of nearly half a million, and.itV mostly hush money." Myer: "What! Do you mean to saj that he is a professional blackmailer?" Gyer: "Oh, no; he manufactures soothing syrup for children." HER REAL VOCATION. The worried theatrical magnate sat back in his chair. At last the long, tiring day was over. He had given auditions to at least 20 young ladies who wished to adorn' his chorus, and none of them had been a potential star. He relaxed all his muscles, and took a deep breath. Then came a. timid knock on the door, and in response to his "Come in." a rather faded;young woman entered. "Excuse me, sir," she said, "but " "All right," he said resignedly. "Sing something." • ' "But " "Sing something!" In a cracked voice she began the only ballad she knew. Hurriedly he stopped her. "No good!" lie said sharply. "No voice at all. Can you dance?" I "No, I can't!" she snapped. But if! you'll stop being funny I'll, start scrubbing ; the floor. That's what I came in for." 1