Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CX, Issue 71, 20 September 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

IMAGINARY COMPETITION,

While the young suitor was waiting to take out his young lady, the latter's little sister entered the room. ' Did you know riiy sister's gpt three other, boy friends?" said the child. The suitor pricked up his ears at this piece of news. "Really!" he said in surprise, "I haven't seen any of them." "Neither have I," returned the child. Taut she gave me a shilling to tell you." THRIFT. Sandy, I dinna like the way you drive so close to the car ahead. An' it's jaight, too. "Whist ye, woman. Dinna ye ken that 1 can turn off my headlights that way, and save the battery?" ANGLING. The diner had waited ten minutes. At last the waiter disappeared. "Your fish will be here in five minutes," he said. Another ten minutes passed, but no fish was forthcoming. The customer's patience became exhausted. "Toll me, waiter,"' he said, "what bait are you using?" MEMORY. A rather elderly-looking patient was shown into the doctor's surgery. ' ' 'So you have severe headaches, pains in the back, and bilious attacks," said the

doctor. ."H'ni! What is your age, madam?" The patient liad ;i ready answer. "Twenty-five," she coyly replied. The doctor-continued to write. "Yes—and loss of memory, too," he murmured. THE MODERN METHOD. "Well, little girl, what are you going to do when you grow up to be a big woman like mother?" Modern Child: "Diet, of course." A WARM WELCOME. Eddie and his four sisters had been for a holiday to relatives in. the country. The invitation had been for- one week, but they stayed iive. The uncle thought they intended staying for ever, but they eventually left. ' On arriving home their father asked if their uncle had.been glad to see them. "Too right," said Eddie. "He asked us why we did not bring you, mother, baby, the maid, the cat,, and the dog." NEVER, NEVER! Green: "I once wrote a story about snakes, and I thought it1 was splendid. You know, I consider snakes very wise and knowing creatures." '• Brown: "Why so?" Green: "Well, now, have you ever heard of a snake having its leg pulled?" The conjurer's turn had not been going well. The audience received each trick in stony silence. Not to be daunted, however, he stuck steadily to his task. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "if any person will oblige me with an egg I will perform an amazing disappearing trick." ■' ■ ' ■ ■ ■ Nobody, seemed able to produce the article, and after a momentary silence a voice called out from the gallery: "If anybody 'ere 'ad an egg you'd/aye got it long ago." Boy: "You have a vacancy for a boy, I believe, sir?" Employer: "Yes, but I tell you at once that he must be a boy who never tells a lie, never sweai-s, and never gives a discourteous answer." Boy: "I'll send my cousin, sir; he's deaf and dumb." "It is no use protesting," said the Magistrate. "There are two witnesses who saw you steal the pig." "I can bring twenty who didn't see me," replied Pat. First urchin: "My father's 'ad :is photograph taken." Second urchin: "That's nothing. My father's 'ad 'is finger-prints took." • ANGUS WAS~A~TIME SAVER. Economical Angus M'Tavish fell into a well. The water was eight feet deep, and cold, but Angus could swim. His wife yellod down to him: ''I'll ring the dinner bell and the boys will come iv and pull you oot." "What time is it?" asked Angus. "Aboot eleven o'clock," said the wife. "Don't ring it," said Angus, decisively. "I'll just swim aboot until noon." | 'TWAS PLAIN TO BE SEEN. "Don't you see ' the resemblance?" asked the proud mother, exhibiting the baby. "Just look at our faces, side by side." "Nothing could be plainer," replied the guest, absent-mindedly. MR. SEW AND SEW. "Yes," said Mrs. Newkind, "my husband is awfully careless; he's always losing the buttons off his clothes." "Perhaps, my dear," replied Mrs. Oldstyle, gently, "it is because they are not sewn on carefully enough." "That's just it! He's so frightfully slipshod with his sewing!" CASH FOR EXPERIENCE. I flczekiah (seeing the sights with lijs father): "I say, why do they call this 'ere building the Exchange?" Old Dubbs (ii lamb who has been shorn): "Because, Hezckiah, that's where 1 Siotl exchange your cash for experience."

A FAIR OFFER. The patient had been feeliug unwell for some time, so he had decided he had better be examined by a doctor. When the doctor came to the house he said to the man: "Now, my man, I will examine you carefully for two guineas." '"Very well, doctor," said the patient, "and if you find them I'll give you one!" TWO SHOCKS. Owner (at end of test): "A hundred miles and never had to use a spanner. This car is worth £250 as it stands. What will you give for it?" Client: ''Prepare yourself for a shock, old man. I'll give you £25 and no more." Owner: "Prepare yourself for another. : I'll take it!" AGE LIMIT. She said she had turned "twenty-three"; I've noticed that many girls do; If you turn twenty-three, it is easy to see, For answer you'll get "thirty-two." THE STRONGEST BATTALION. The referee's decisious had been rather difficult to understand. "Fancy being licked, and we were a man short!" sneered a member of the winning team, as he was making i'or the dressingroom. ■ "You!" exclaimed one of the losing team. ! "Why, you had ten players and the iei ferce. What more do you want?"

THE SAFEST SETTLEMENT. An Apache boarded a cay and refused to pay his fare. At the corner of the street, the conductor signalled a policenian to enter and pointed out the burly individual. "That man doesn't -want to pay his fare. Will you get him out of this car?" asked the conductor. The policeman took one look at the Apache. "I'll pay for him myself," he said. "NUTTY." A speaker at one of the universities began an address to the students as follows: "Now, I'm not going to talk very long, but if you get -what; I am going to say in your heads you'll have the whole thing in a nutshell." And he looked surprised when a roar of laughter followed his unintentional "slam."' FIFTY-FIFTY. ' Overproof "tacked" up the silent shadow-shaded pathway to the front door. Club night had been a late night. Footsteps were irregular and irritating. ''Bootsh won't go , straig'sh," he hiccupped. At last he reached'the floor and violently pulled the bell. Suddenly a head jumped into view from an upstairs window. i "You're ringing at the wrong door, old chap!" exclaimed a voice. "Go 'waygh! You're talkin'sh from th' wroug'sh window," . replied Overproof. THE QUIET LIFE. Wife (as they return from party): "Do you realise what you. did?". Hubby: "No, but I'll admit that it was ' wrong. What was it?" | THE INSPIRING EYES.. Poet (tenderly): "Your eyes inspired me to write this poem." i Adored: "Then I must see an oculist at once." ICE AND PRICE. "When water becomes ice," said the professor, "what is the greatest, change that takes place?" •'The price, sir." FRESH. Customer: "I have spoilt my suit with your fresh paint." , * Grocer: "But didn't you see the notice, 'Fresh paint'?" Customer: "Yes, but I didn't take much notice. You have a notice, 'Fresh eggs.' " THE DIFFERENCE. Sambo was asked what kind of chicken he preferred. "Well, sir," he replied, after a few minutes' consideration, "all kinds has der merits. De white ones is de easiest to find in de dark, but de black ones is de easiest to hide aftah you gets 'em." THIS WAY FOR REDUCTIONS. ! Landlady (at boardiug-house): "I am very glad to hear that you came because of the recommendatiou of a friend." I Guest: "Yes. As soon as I said the doctor had ordered me to begin a treatment for reducing weight, my friend told me to come here." WHY THEY RUN. Airs'. Gibbons was lamenting the excessive cost of light in their, little bungalow. "My goodness!" she exclaimed, "I don't know anything more surprising than the way our gas bills run up." "Oh, that's not surprising," commented Mr. Gibbons, "when you consider how many thousand feet they have!" A MELANCHOLY PUNSTER. Fitzjones: "Did you go to the music hall last evening, Percy?" De Brown: "No. I attended a sleight of hand performance." Fitzjones: "Where?" De Brown: "I went to call on Miss Le Smythc, and offered her my hand, but she slighted it." DEAF. (Jut; navvy 1.0 another ;it their midday j meal: "What are you eating. Bill?" Bill: •'Soup; are you deaf?" '

SOME PEACH. Two farmers were praising the products j of their- respective orchards. JMy melons are as big aa a giant's head," said the first. "That's nothing," declared the other, "You should see my peaches." "As big as a boy's head?" "More than that. It takes only seven of them to make a dozen!" A certain professor was spending Christmas at a hotel. At dinner he found himself seated next to a maiden lady of uueertain age, who was quick to reciprocate his undoubted interest. Eventually she discovered the professor was a collector of old coins. "I should love to have a coin dated the year of my birth," she remarked. "Do you think you could get one for me?" "I can't promise," replied the other innocently. "You see, these old coins are only to be found in rare collections." And yet, meeting her the next day, the professor was unable to understand why he was not recognised. Proud Mother: "And what do you think of little Willie as a pianist?" Professor: "Well, he has a nice way of closing the lid." Tommy bad ljeen warned by his nurse of the awful results of biting his nails, but to no avail. She decided upon harsher measures. "If you persist in biting your nails/ she said, "you will, swell out like an air balloon." Tommy believed, took heed, and did not bite his nails for two days. On the third day his mother was giving a party, and Tommy was allowed to partake of tea with the guests. As soon as tea was over Tommy approached a very stout visitor, gazed at her in silence for a few moments, ■ and then exclaimed, in a loud, awe-struck voice, "'I sec yon' bite your nails.". "And yet," said the professor, struggling with a burnt and olackened steak of unusual toughness, which the'cook had Just brought in, '"they say woman's work is never done!" Two battered old wrecks were sitting' on a bench in the common, when one remarked: "I'm a man who never took advice from anybody." "Shake, brother," said the other. "I'm a man who followed everybody's advice." Mary Ann: "Please, ma'am, the oil stove has gone out." Mistress: "Well, light it again." Mary Ann: "Sure and I can't, ma'am. It's gone out through the roof." 'Teter, what's little John crying about?" "Well, mother, it's because he want to learn anything, really. You see, 7 took his chocolate and showed him how to cat it." Wedding Guest:" "This is. your fifth daughter to get. married, isn't it?" JlacTight: "Ay, and our confetti's gettin' awfu' gritty." Smith (seeing a disreputable-looking: man in the garden): "Been making yourself a nuisance to my wife, I suppose." Tramp: "P've just done a little job in the garden for 'er, and now she's waitm' for you to explain a lot of empty bottles I dug up." . It -was kit inspection morning, and the soldiers had their things laid out on their beds. The colonel walked into the room and said to Private..Brown: — "Three shirts, Brown?" "One on, one at the wash, and one in the box, sir." ■ ■ "Two pairs of boots?" "One on, and one in the box, sir." '"Two pairs of socks, Brown?" _ "One on, and one in the box, sir." "Good. Now, where's the box, Brown?" "I've lost the box, sir." .One morning a small boy presented himself at a well-known public house in Durham and handed an addressed label to the landlord. ■ "Father won a goose in the raffle here last night," he said, "and he's going to call round here for it after work to-day, so mother's sent this." "But if he's going to call- for the goose there'll be no need for a label," said the landlord. "It's not for the goose, explained the youth calmly. "It's to tie on father." I