Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CX, Issue 47, 23 August 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

Irate Passenger (who had managed to board a motor-bus that didn't stop): "Suppose I'd slipped and lost a leg, what then?" Conductor (kindly): "You wouldn't have had to do any more jumpin' then. We always stop for a man with a crutch." Eva: "Bob has asked me to marry him and make him the happiest man in the world." Neva: "And which are you going to do?" "What's your candid opinion of a man who marries a plain woman for her , money?" "My dear chap, he deserves every penny he gets!" Father: "What do you mean, my sou? Your teacher a nuisance? What talk!" Archibald: "Well, that's what you call me when I ask questions, an' teacher does nothin' else." Lady: "How much are these chickens?" Butcher: "Six. shillings and sixpence, ma'am." Lady: "Did you'raise them yourself?" Butcher: "Yes. They were five shillings yesterday." "She said she. had just turned 'IV "Yes—turn 24 and you get 42." "I said your ship would come in this week. Was I correct?" "Well, partly. My salary was docked.

"Mother, could I love two men at the same time?" "Not if either of them knows it. Teacher: "What is meant by 'shining raiment' ?" Willie: "An old blue serge suit." "This vase is 2000 years old!' Be very careful in carrying it." "You can depend on me, professor; 111 be as careful of it as if it were new!" Photographer-. "Try and look pleasant please." Farmer Close: "Not me! The picture is for some relatives who want to come and stay a month with me." A young fellow was walking along the street looking very disconsolate, when he met a friend, who noticed his sad expression. "Hello, Bert!" exclaimed the friend, "anything gone wrong?" "Yes," answered Bert sadly: My girl won't look at me since I sent her a birthday present, and it cost me five pounds. I can't think why it is." "What did you send her, Bert.' asked the friend. "A beauty outfit," replied Bert. Pat, the Irishman, had agreed to accompany his wife on a shopping expedi"Tliere's a good pair of boots," said the latter as they stood looking in the window of a boot and shoe shop. "I'll get those for little 'Arold." ' . ~ . , , Pat looked at the articles indicated, and a murmur of surprise left his Jips as he saw the price, and the notice, "Last Seven Days," displayed on a card above them. "But, surely, Martha," he said, "you don't want to buy those things." "Why not, Pat?" asked his wife,;wonderingly. , ' . "Begorrah," gasped her husband, but you wantv them to last longer than a. week." ■ Fop: "The most delightful thing in the world is to hold converse with the person one' loves most in the world." Lady: "But it is very bad to talk to oneself." Housekeeper: "I don'tusually give charity; but you can have a meal if you will beat this rug." Tramp: "But haven't you a smaller one.' I'm not as hungry as all that!" "My husband is away so much of the time I want a parrot for company. Does this one use rough language?" "Lady, with this bird in house you d never miss your husband." M'Allister: "MacTavish, I've just heard that your wife has run away with the chauffeur." MacTavish: "Ah, weel, it doesn t matter. He was going at the end of the week, anyway." In the early days of the war the officer in charge of a British post deep in the heart of Africa received this wireless message from his superior officer: — "War declared. Arrest all enemy aliens in your district." With commendable promptness the superior received this reply:— "Have arrested seven Germans, three Belgians, two Frenchmen, two Italians, an Austrian, and an American. Pleatfe say who we're at war with." School Inspector: "And now, is there anyone who would like to ask me a question ?" Small Boy, at the back: "Please sir, was Adam black or white?" School Inspector: "And now, is • there anyone who would like to answer that question?" ' Visitor: "What is your son going to be when he grows up?" Hostess: "A teacher." Visitor: "Ts he suited for that work.' Hostess: "Yes—he loves holidays. The loin of mutton had been placed on the table, and wilh poised carver the landlady inquired:— "Would you like me to cut it saddlewise?" "Well," replied one of the boarders, "T think you had better cut it bridlewise, for then we should all stand a better chance to get a 'bit' in our mouths!" "Now, Charles," said the teacher, "if your father can do a piece of work in one hour, and your mother can do it in one hour, how long would it take both of them to do it?" "Three hours," answered Charles, "counting the time they would waste in arguing."

A profiteer bought a big country estate, and decided—chiefly because of its social advantages—to take up golf, a game of which he had no idea, and to join the local club. He had his first round with one of the members, and strolled on to the tee, after a sumptuous lunch, with a fully-equipped bag of clubs) and a caddie. "High tee, sir?" asked the caddie, as he took the ball to prepare for the opening drive. The profiteer stopped swinging his club. "It's got nothing to do with you whether I 'aye an 'ifrh tea or a fish supper. Put the ball on the 'ump and let's get on wi' the game." A man had been visiting a certain widow every evening. "Why don't you marry her?" asked a friend. "I have often thought about it," was the reply, "but where would I spend my evenings then," PARTS OF SPEECH. A bit of a wag, seeing the notice, "Iron sinks," in a shop window, went inside and said that lie was perfectly aware of the fact that "iron sinks." Alive- to the occasion, the shopkeeper retaliated. '"Yes, I know, and wine vaults, sulphur springs, jam rolls, grass slopes, music stands, moonlight walks, and rubber tires."

AN EFFECTIVE SPEECH. The dinner came to an end, and the chairman called for silence. "Gentlemen," he began, "I will now call upon Mr. Long, our distinguished guest, to make his speech." The guest rose and was greeted with, a round of polite applause. When this died down he commenced. At the end of ten minutes he was still speaking, but when, at the end of half an hour he had not finished, the patience of his listeners began to get exhausted. In the end the speaker wound up with, "speaking is nothing to me. As a boy I used frequently to talk in my sleep." "And now," a drowsy voice was heard to exclaim from the other end of the roorl, "yiu talk in ours." IN FACT, A MISSION. "I suppose you'll want me to give up my job, Henry, wiien we are married?" "How much do you earn?" "Five pounds a week." "That's not a job. It's a career. I couldn't think of interfering with your career, darling." ANGLING. The diner had waited ten minutes. At last the waiter disappeared. "Your fish will be here in five minutes," he said. Another ten minutes passed, but no fisih was forthcoming. The customer's patience became exhausted. "Tell me, waiter," he said, "what bait are you using?" ON THE TRAIN. "Now, guard," said Pilkington, "remember if I have this carriage to myself for the entire journey you will receive half a crown. "Very good, sir," said the guard, and lie locked the door. All went well until they reached a station about the middle of the journey; then an irascible man pulled at the door of Pilkington's carriage. "Guard! Guard!" he called. "Open this door! I know your tricks! I've the right to travel in this carriage, and I mean to do it!" - The guard whispered a, lew words to the irascible man, after v which the man went away. . "How did you manage it? Pilkington asked the guard at the end of the journey, as he pressed the promised half-crown into his hand. . "How did you get that bad-tempered old chap to go away so quietly?" "I just told him you were a bit wrong in the head," replied the guard. THE OBVIOUS. Lieutenant: "When is a man entitled to be buried with military honours?' Recruit: "When he is dead, sir.' "JUST AS GOOD." "1 say!" exclaimed a customer in a druggists shop, who thought he had been overchar«*.'l. "Have you any sense of honour?" . . , . "I'm sorry," said the druggjst, from force of habit, "I have-not, but I have something just as good!" The foreman was going from one man to another with a sheet of paper in bis hand When lie came to Mac Lean he slid- "Sandy, this is a subscription to cot a wreath" for Jock Stewart, who died last week. All your mates have given a shilling towards it." "Otli. nion. that'll make me an Jock square' He owed me a bob." "Mollir." said her motlier, "you were very restless in church." "Wis I?" was the penitent response. "You never see daddy behaving in that way. Why couldn't you be quiet like ' "Well, mummie, you see, I wasn't a bit sleepy." ACCOUNTED FOR. Mistress—Mary, I found a large cobweb in the dining-room. How do you account for it? . ~ Maid (brightly)—l think, mum. it must have been a spider. SANCTIONING THE UNION. "Have your parents given their consent to our union?" "Not yet. Father hasn't expressed his opinion yet, and mother is waiting to contradict him." THE PRIZE. Father—The man who marries my daughter will get a prize. Suitor—May I see it, please?

Breathless and excited, young Rubinstein rushed into his father's office. "Fader, fader," he cried, "it's pouring with rain! Shall I pring iv de men's trousers'vot's hanging outside?" "Vot you say?" queried the old man, who was very deaf. "De men's trousers!" screeched Isaac. "It's raining—dey're getting vet!" "Somebody vants some flannelette?" said the old man. ■ "No, no!" yelled Tkey. "It raining! Shall I pring in de men's trousers? Dey're getting vet!" Then the seriousness of the situation dawned upon Rubenstein. "No, my poy!" he cried. "Never mind the trousers; dey'll sell for running knickers; pring in de vaterproof coats, or dey'll get soaked through!" TACT AND TACTICS. The latest from Scotland concerns one Andrew, who, being very popular with the village folk, was requested by the minister to canvass subscriptions to charity. Andrew accepted the task. A few days later he was seen jazzing along the road in a suspicious manner. "Andrew," said the minister, "it grieves me to see you in this condition."1 "Ah, well," replied Andrew, "it's a' for the quid of the cause. You see, meenister, it's a' because of the subscriptions. Ilka hoose I go into they make me have a wee drappie." "Every house," protested the minister. "But surely, Andrew, there are some members of the kirk who are good teetotallers." "Aye, aye, there be, meenister, but I wrote to those." NO MORE SEA. Two sailors iv a train were discussing the general situation. Said the tall oue, "When I git done with this hitch, I'm going to git me a pair of nice oars, and I'm goin' to sling them across- my shoulder and start to walkin' inland. When I finally hit a place where people say, 'What are them things you got on your shoulder?'—boy, that's where I'm going to settle down!" THE WRONG NAIL. "Well, Tommy, I see your brother has a bandaged hand. Has he had an accident?" ■ • "Yes, sir. Reckless driving."^ "Ah, a motor-car, I presume?" "Oh. no, sir—a nail." WHAT SHE DESERVED. Cook—Why, you're the same man I gave .1 pio to yesterday! Tramp—Yes, but I 'ardly expected to find the same cook 'ere to-day! FRESH. Customer "1 have spoilt my suit with your fresh paint." " Grocer: "But didn't you see the notice, 'Fresh Paint'?" ~,./, i Customer: "Yea, but I didn't take much notice. You have a notice 'Fresh. Eggs. SAFETY FIRST. Wilson was cm his way home from the station. When'he was about three miles from the village, and about a mile from his house,, he saw a man approaching him from ' the opposite direction. ."Excuse me, sir," said the stranger, when they met, "do you happen to^have seen a policeman anywhere about? "I'm afraid I haven't seen one for over two miles," returned Wilson unsuspectingly. "Good," snapped the .stranger, changing his tone of voice. "Hurry up and give me your watdh and pocket-book, then." UNNECESSARY. Mrs. Stone, the very suburban housewife, had just engaged a new maid. Before explaining the duties to the girl, she thought she would first inquire into her family. "By the way, I will, of course, require your name," said the housewife. "Yes, ma'am," returned the girl. "My name's Miss Parsons." "But you don't expect me to call you Miss Parsons?" went on the mistress. "Certainly not, ma'am," put in the new maid haughtily. "I have an alarm clock."