Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CIX, Issue 144, 21 June 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

; ... : . ■'jyST'FOR. LUCK. : ;'-,;/, Sandy: was about to pay a visit to London, and his friend Angus was giving him a little advice aud a few hints on what to do during the journey. ■ "And, mon," said Angua, "it's supposed to be very lucky •if you throw a halfj penny, out of the ■ carriage windows as yo,u pass over; all the river bi'idges on your journey south." V Sandy thanked his friend and set out for the train. ■ ■./v\ •■';'•■ ;;y •: "■ Two days passed, 'arid on the third Angus received a letter from his friend. It read:^-- ..:',." , s '■''■'■ ' •'', "."■-':- ;•' • "Thank "ye for your advice about the halfpennies, Angus; I managed to do this all right crossing the Dee, and it :was all I'ight crossing the Tay Bridge; but when I came to the Forth Bridge the string got mixed up with the girders, and.l .lost my halfpenny.—Sandy." •■■, - • ■"-■. ■■, ~ ■.'. ;.. :; I :',IIAISING .THEM. , ;„■■,■'■ ■Lady: "How mu^h are these chickens ?" Poulterer:-"Half: a crown, ma'am." •;'• . Lady: ■ "Did you raise them. yourself?" . ; Poulterer:■ "Yes; they weve 2s 3d yesterdky:r}"v' :.,';.;.;,;'!'.r •■■'.'."■'■'■■'■:-''. •'■.' '■■■:•■ '.;'.v-'- ■■'■>; :; 'too late.-■/..,■;/■■;-..-;. v',: ."D'you know,. I. went home the, other night and I knew-; there was something 1 \yanted-to'do, but I'couldn't think, what ■it'WaS'."..'. ■ ■-".V,-. •■ ;y''.<V ;'■> ..:-.'.. ■' "'.:!-. ■'.■■' j- "And didn't you;remembef it at all?" "Oh, yes. ~Af midnight I realised that I I had wanted, to.go to bed early." ;'':.';;'.■ ' A SUCifIS~FAMM..^ ;);'■: \\..:' A well-known, conductor was sitting in his club humming absently to, himself one day. Suddenly he turned;to ainiember who was a stranger to, him and' asked .pleasantly, "Do you -know. 'The Barber of:

Seville' V "No," replied the other man. '•As a matter of fact, I shave myself."' A 50 PER CENT. NON-TALKIE. Tivo Scotg, whilst touring in the United Stateb, came across a board in the doorway of a icstauraut, winch read: "Chickens, 50 ceutb; Eggs, 5 cents. They entered and ordered eggs. After a few minutes one of them turned to his friend and said, "Say, mon, there s a chicken in mine." ' "That's great," replied the other, but don't mak sac much noise a they 11 be charging ye 50 cents." FEMININE FINANCE. Husband:' "But you forget, my dear, that the pouud I earn is only worth a third of the pound your father earned. Wife: "Well, why don't you earn better pounds?" 2\O TIME FOR SPUING. Wife: "Spring ia here." Professor: "Hum; I have no time today; tell him to call again to-morrow. TOOLS. Kind Ladj: "Why don't you go to Tramp: ''I would if I had the tools." Kind Lady: -What soit of tools do you want?" Tianip: "A knife and fork. KETORT. Fop: "The most delightful thing in the world is to hold converse with the person one lovea most in > the world.') Lady: "But it is very bad to talk to yourself." NOTHING SO COMMON. Mrs. Smith, having lost the key of the kitchen clock, 'went with her hufcbaud to buy another. Mr. Smith waited outside while his'wife went into the jewellers. "Got it?" asked Mr. Smith, when she came out. "No," said his wife.--"Why not?" . , "Well, Mrs. Sw.anker was in there buying some pearls, s,o I couldn't ask for anything so cheap, and ordinary as a key tor a clock." , v „„ "What did you do, then? < "Oh, I just inquired how long it would take to clean a diamond tiara. TIT FOE. TAT. Angus MacArdie could not be persuaded to attend the village kirk on any pretest WTW*Tis it. Angus?" asked the minister one day. "How is it ye won't come tae ChAngnT made answer that the sermons were far too long to please him. "Och," retorted the minister, wrathfully. "you'll probably end up in a place wnaur yell hear no sermons either long or short. "Ah, weel, maybe you're richt, agreed Angus! placidly. "But it'll, no be for want of rneenissters, ye ken! POLISH. He: "Darling, didn't you noiice that the saute at the hotel last night tasted ot tttfe'SS But it went will with the cabinet pudding.'' BUT WHERE? Mothci: "Johnny, what aic you doing "johnnr^'Oh*, just putting a. few things away." QUALIFIED TO ATTEND. After a long address, the speaker said he had been -requested to announce that at the conclusion of the lecture there would be ?. meeting of the boaid. When the audience dispei&cd and the nve members of the board were about to go into session, it was noticed that a stranger had stayed, showing no Bigus of departing. A fpw moments of embarrassed silence ensued, after which the chairman addressed the stranger awkwardly, and said: "Possibly you didn't understand this was to be just a meeting of the board." "Yes, indeed," lepliod the other, genially. "Go ahead; no one was more so this evening than, I." TEACHING THE YOUNG IDEA. One night Johnny's mother came to him and said: "Now, Johnny, if you'll be a pood boy and go to bed I'll give you a penny." Johny thought for a moment and went. But nest evening Johnny came to his mother and said: "Mummy, if you'll be a good mother and give me a penny I'll go to bed."

THE OLD, OLD STORY.,; i : John :"Itlnnk Peggy, will make an ideal wife. Every ,iimo I'go to see: her I find tier darning her father's socks." i Jack: "That' caught me,: too—until I noticed it was always the same sock.", :.' '', ■ ."■ ■.':■' never;nevee; ": ■. Green: "I once wrote a story about snakes, and 'I thought •it was splendid. You know, :■ I ■ consider snakes very wise and knowing creatures.". ,\ ■■■ Brown :"Why so?" . :i Green:. "Well, now, have you ever heard of a, snaki* having',its;;leg pulled?" ' THE SPENDTHRIFT PACE. First Aimless Shopper (to second ditto): "Well, dear, if' you; re. not going to buy anything, we ■ might just as well look at something more expensive." ■■' .. .':' " ; _],.'-. ;'■;■,';'. Obliging!' !^ ; '," '\y-j; '/.■, "Got the price of. a bed on yer, guvnor?" the tramp asked.' ~; • ; ; /J; ' ;: -; "Certainly,, my, good man," replied the traveller. , "Allow, nic -to-"hand \you '■; our latest catalogue of :- high-class ' Curuiturc.", ■■-'•,■ ,' MUSIC HATH CHARMt..-/-A patient who- complained, of digestive troubles was told by aiHarley Street specialist that he; was -drinking too Jmuch, and would have to' knock; it off."Well." Baid the patient, "what-am: I '.to. tell .my wife?" The. doctor thought fora; few sin* ments and, then said:: "Tell, her you ,are suffering from syncopation.; V That ..will satisfy;'her.','.'! ■•••:..■.•":/..■■■ .:■'■■ '■' i_i- '•■■'■' The patient did "as he was told; What is syncopation?" asked his wife. : "I don't know," said the husband, "but; that s what he" said." ■■ When ■■ her '<. husband had- gone but the wife looked ■ up'.vfihe word :.in the dictionary, and ioundvit meant "Irregular movement, from bar ,to : .bar'.' ; : - -~, : - ..;;.,,

AN EASY WAY. If, was baking 'doj. "Mary,"* cried mothei, "tee it the cake is done. Stick a kmle in it, and if it comes out clean you'll know it's done " "Yes," =anl father, "and if it comes out clean htick all the other knives in, too!" NOT TO BE CHEATED. ~ Taxi-driver: "The fa,ie 13 two and-six, please." Ficnchman: "No, that ees too much." Taxi-dnver: "Well, we'll say half-a-crown." Frenchman: "That ecs better; you can't cheat me." UNLESS IN EMERGENCY. "Now, bors," said the teacher, "atwajs remember that you should never end a sentence with the word 'with.1 "That i«," he ■went on hurriedly, "unless jou have something else to bend'it with." A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE. A story is told of the Elizabethan Judge, Sir Nicholas Bacon, to whom a condemned cuminal appealed for mercy on the ground of his kinship. "How so?" asked the Judge. "Because, my Lord," said the prisoner, "your name is Bacon and mine is Hog, and Bacon and Hog are very near akin." "Nay," answered Sir Nicholas, "Hog is not Baton until it has been well hanged." "MEAT DIET." A negio employed at Hollywood waß diafted to a novel comedy scene with a lion. "You get into this bed," ordered the producer, "and we'll bring the lion m and put him in bed with you. It'll be a scream." "Put a lion in bed with me?" yelled the daiky. "No, sail, not a-tall. I quit right heie and now." "But," protested the producer, "this lion won't hurt jou. It was .brought up on milk." , "So was I brought np on milk," wailed the darky, "but I eats meat now " BAITING THE KEEPER. The keeper, discovering a stranger angling on a private stretch of water, ordered the offender to diaw his cast. The angler complied, and it was seen,, that his hook was baited with a carrot. , The keeper burst into la tighter and said: "If that's the bait you use, go ahead!" Several hours later the two met again. Pointing to the angler's full basket, the keeper said aghast: "Good heavens. You didn't catch all those fish with a piece of carrot, did you?" "No," replied the sportsman, "I caught you with that." ' ';:':^''^''tf^B&BXi'.i^-> '-;'■-■:-::' ■;In spite>ofca'treckleßß'swerve,<the riiotor- . ist. v killed V the v fowl, •which 'darted ■ across the road in 'front Ml his jcarv '; The motoris'! pulledMip" just-as an. bid>'oman who lived in'a'.cottage.'nearfby came .out of : 'her-gate. ■.":'■"■?■'.'.■'■ f.'■':'■'!, r;.'v-\^- rV-. ; ' ' Her face was stern;; her expression hard and;forbidding. •-, Before>she .could utter a word-1 the- motorist/ plunged' a hand in his pocket and offered her;a pound note. "Here;.my good- woman," he said apologetically, "this will square matters." The sour face softened. . ' ■'. .", r . "It's good oi 4-011," Bhe saidi "Nckt I'll be able to start keeping'fowls myself."'. WHY HE WAS NOT PROMOTED; He watched the: clock./,■ ;";•."• ~:-_-.";; ",.; ::'■'- .. He^vas always late. '■-..■-7'."'.' -J' ' " :[• .He was for ever grumbling arid com-1 plaining.-' ' ■•'.'■'.•.''■■•'.'/••'■■•"'■.■'.■•■•■-■ ~'.::~ He only half-did, things.- .1 ;; v He didn't, study; his job. Vi v ; ■ ,He associated : with his ■ inferiors. ; He did not-strive for promotion. V.: -, He I.didn't ha ye, to. . ■:.,• .--.■■•..-.;-, ■•;". ' ■ I'Hpj was itho; director of the company.. ';' •■:' : ;;-V^^SABBATH/CALM."';'_:-' v }'^ '. Joucs:. "I look-.-forward every Sunday to the after-lunch sleep." , / . :. ' . Grej"/'I thought you never slept after vlurieli."--' .■ ■■ "'■': ■ ■'•■■ '-•" ■ :.■.:.■■ -;r•■.■'■ ••■■• ',':•" ;■ Jones: "I don't;"but my wife docs." ■ ';":■•';'^' : : SWALLOWED.:::.V;j;'.. '-i.-:-A * little • girl had been taught never to interrupt anyone > who was speaking, but one day at luncheon'she was seen, break-' ing this rule of good-breeding,-and making' efforts to; speak to her grandfather, ; a leading politician, who was talking earnestly to'- guests.. .' •-:.' .' ' ' v. ■ ':;. -~: ■;'■. The.''grandfather motioned; her sternly to silencej Presently .he 'turned to her, saying, "Well, Dorothy, since you" 'were-'so very:eager toi speak; you may proceed: to do ■' ■'' .-,-.•; .■.•'■•■.'■.!': .■■:,:,:;'- u,-v;J;-V .. Dorothy , shook . her' head.; "Too •, late now," she said mburnfuHy.;'"There was something crawling on'your "lettuce." .

NOISE. Man (to his neighbour): "I wish you would sell that dog. Yesterday my daughter had to stop hoi1 singing lesson because your dog was whining all the time." Neighbour: "I'm sorry. But your daugh ter began it." "My sister's passion for cats," remai lied the queiulous old boul, "is really doliloiable. Last time 1 saw her," ho went on, "she had a craze for the Manx vanet>, and the house was simply swaiming with the cicatuit".!" "Really, Hi. Tompkms," someone eluded him "Aien't you ca.aggei.Uing just a teeny rttle bit?" "No," came the fietful denial. "I tell you I couldn't take a step without falling over a Mans cat. Iheie seemed to be no end to, them." And he wondeied why everyone laughed! Husband (at the theatie): "This play makes me think." Wife: "Yes, it's a most extraordmaiy play." , * Seasitk Tassenger (on friend's yacht): "I say, what about going back? Attor you've seen one wave you have seen them all." Teacher: "Can you give me a definition of nothing?" Bo>: "Yes. An air balloon without its cover.'' Gaiage Attendant, with drawling pronunciation (as car dn\es up): "Juice?"' Motorist: "Veil, if ye are? Don't ye get no petiol?" "1 went to a very cheap restaurant yest<si day." "Really?" 1 got two cakes, some coffee, and an overcoat for sevenpence." "She gang that song in a haunting manner.'" "Do you think so?"' "Yes, theie was just the ghost of a lChcrabJariLC ,to the onginal air." I With thioe minutes to catch a train, the i traveller said to the chauffeur: "Can't you 50 faster than this?" ' "Yes," was the replj, "but I have to stay with my car." "Mother has sent this steak back. She says it is so tough she could sole our boots with it.'' "Why didn't she?" "The nails wouldn't go through." Mistress: "Mary, I found a large cobweb in the dining-room. How do you account for it?" Maid (brightly): "I think, mum, it must be the spiders." Dad: "'Conrse- you can stay in bed'if yer feel ty-ed We 'ad a bloke die in bed once." Alarmed New Hand: "What with?" Dad: "Starvation." A Scotsman owned a theatre in Aber deen, and weut to London to get ideas for adveitising, as trade was bad. He came acioss a notice outside one big theatre -to the effect that all persons over 90 years of age would be admitted free, This ga\e him the idea he was wanting, and he caused a notice to be hung outside his theatie, which read as follows: "All persons q\er 90 jears of age will be ad initted fiee (if accompanied by their parents)." She (fishing for compliments): "How old do you think I am?" • He (the diplomat): "You don't look it." "How did your aitiele on perpetual motion turn out?" "It's a success Every time I send it out it comes back." Johnny Jones, apprenticed to Farmer Brown, had not proved himself a great success. When his father came to have a talk about his son's progress the farmer looked dubious. "Well," said he, "'tisn't that 1 want to be discouraging. But what I says is, if 'c 'ad another and, 'ed need another pocket." Piospectivo Employei: I don't even know if 1 lw\e enough work for you, to do. Applicant: Oh, that wouldn't matter at all, provided the pay was satisfactory.