Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CIX, Issue 132, 7 June 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

HALF-PRICE. Beggar: "Please, Mister, give sixpence for a blind man." Old Gentleman: "But you are only blind in one eye." Beggar: "All right, gov., make it threepence." EDUCATION. A Native school teacher asked his pupils to write something about Canberra, and Hone handed this in:— "There are 57 varieties of Canberra, but the only one I remember are gooseberra, raspberra, and to strawberra." OLD ENOUGH FOR ANYTHING. The ancient taxi chugged painfully up tho steep grade. Tho passenger, glancing behind, perceived a dense cloud of smoke issuing from the exhaust. . "Smoking a bit, isn't it?" he commented. "What of it," snapped the driver, "it's over sixteen." ' VERY OUT OF PLACE. At a rather long and boring party a man said to the '.ady near him, "I made an awful gaff just now. I told a man I thought the host was a stingy old blighter, and it happened to be the host I spoke to." "Ah, you mean my husband," said the lady in a stiff voice. NOT IF HE KNEW IT. A naval dignitary had a beautiful daughter. A young officer, with no resources but his pay, fell iu love with her, apd asked

the old gentleman for her hand. The father.at once taxed.him with the fact that he had only his pay, hardly enough to keep him in white.gloves and burnish his brass_ buttons. "Well, sir, what yon say is true. But when you married you were only a midshipman, with even a smaller salary than mine. How did you get along?'' asked the officer, believing he had made -the most diplomatic of defences. But tho crafty old sea-dog thundered: "I lived on my father-in-law for the first ten years, but I'll be hanged if you are going to do it!" REVENGE. Dentist: "What is your profession?" Patient: "I am a caricaturist." Dentist: "Ah, then I will extract your tooth in the way you men always depict us." LOOKING AHEAD. "I want to buy a wedding ring.'" "We have them from five shillings onwards." "Haven't you any cheaper ones?" "Yes, we have them at three shillings each, but then you must take a dozen." GOOD RUNNING. "How's the car running?" "Oh, into expense—and out of petrol." LAND OF LIBERTY.

"Just think, children," said the missionary. "In Africa there are six million square

"Uncle, will you get into' evening dress? Then I -can.' throw my lantern slides on your shirt-front and you can be a talkie."

miles where little boys and girls have no Sunday school. Now what should we all strive to save our money for?" "To go to Africa," came a chorus of cheery voices. EGGS. Judge: You stole eggs from this man's shop. Have you any excuse? Accused: Yes, I took them by mistake. Judge: How is that? Accused: I thought they were fresh. GOOD BEHAVIOUR. Employer: Why were you discharged from your last place? Applicant: For good behaviour. Employer: What do you mean Applicant: They took three mouths off my sentence. THE JEWEL. The two lovers were walking along the river bank in the moonlight, and the hour was getting rather late.

"George," she said, "are you sure your watch is right?" "Yes," answered the boy, with a happy smile. "It is keeping better time since I put vour photograph inside the case." "Oh, George, vou flatterer!" she said coyly. "How could that make any difference?"' . ~. "Well, darling," he replied, "when i placed your photograph inside the ease I added another jewel."

ALL KINDS. Student: "I wish some college clothes." I Shop Assistant: "Athletic, humorous, or studious?" TOO ADVANCED. Agnes was a very modern child. She ■was, therefore, distinctly bored when, her grandmother tried to entertain her. "The cow goes 'moo,' " the old lady in-' formed her. Agnes nodded wearily. "And the donkey goes 'hee-haw,' and the sheep goes 'baa.' " , Agnes could stand it no longer. "Oh, yes, I know all that, grannie," she said. "But what sort of a noise does the armadillo make?" DISCHAHGED. Magistrate: "The officer says you were going forty miles an hour." Suburbanite: "I was, your Honour. I had just received word from an employment agency that they had found a cook for me who was sure to stay at least two months." Magistrate (who .also lives in the count.„): "Officer, give this gentleman my machine. It does sixty." BUSINESS IS BUSINESS. . While walking by the canal two Jews saw a notice board which stated that 5s would be paid to whoever rescued another man from drowning It didn't take them more than a minute to arrange that one should fall in and be saved by the other,

and the reward divided. In went Cohen, who found it rather deeper than he had expected. However, he splashed about, crying: "Come on! Save,me!" The other hesitated. "Cohen," he said, "I've been reading that notice board again, and it says: 'Six shilling for a body.' Now, do be reasonable." NO USE. Mother: "Just look at your face! I don't, think it is the slightest use to try to keep you clean!" Johnny (eagerly): "Ain't you going to try.any more?" STOP-WORK GAME. Mummy entered the nursery. "Good gracious!" she cried, "you're all very quiet. I thought you were going to play trains." "Yes, mummy, we are playing trains, but ,we're on strike." BLAMING THE WOMAN: "My wife made ine all that I am today." '•But we mustn't be too hard on the little woman, must we" THE RICH OLD MAN. A wealthy but frugal old gentleman took a taxi-cab home and on arrival handed the driver his exact fare. The driver looked aggrieved. "But look 'ere, sir, when I drives your son 'ome, e' always gives me five bob for the journey." "Ah, yes," said the old gentleman • quietly,

"but you must remember that .he. lias a rich father, and I haven't." WAKEFULNESS. ."Mollie," said her mother, "'you were very restless ; .n church." "Was I?" was the penitent response. "You never see daddy behaving in that way. •'Why couldn't you be quiet like him?" "Well, mummie, you see, I wasn't a bit sleepy." LANGUAGE. "Repeat the words the defendant used," said the counsel for plaintiff in a case of slander. "I'd rather not," said the witness timidly, "they were hardly words, to tell to a gentleman." "I.see," said the counsel. "Then whisper them to the Judge." SUSPENDED. Small Boy (outside): Comin' out to play football, Jimmy? Small Boy (inside): Can't. Broke a window yesterday, and dad's suspended me for the rest of the season. HIS REGULAR CALLING.

Dad: I greatly disapprove of young Rmithson. and one particular reason is his lack of interest in his calling. Daughter: His calling! Why, daddy, Be calls on me seven evenings a week.

STRATEGY. Johnny and Tommy had both been footballing against their mother's instructions. Tommy: "It's six o'clock; let's go home." Johnny: "No fear! If we go home now we'll get licked for footballing. If we stay here till 9 o'clock we'll get hugged and kissed for not being hurt." THE LADY IN THE CASE. Mick: "Fortune knocks once at every man's door." Pat: "Sure, 1 mind well the day she 1 knocked at mine, but as I was out she : sent her daughter." Mick: "Her daughter?" • Pat: "Yes, Misfortune. And it's with me she's been ever since." IRRITATING. An old lady, evidently up from the conntry, stood in a busy thoroughfare, looking first at the ceaseless stream of traffic, then at the notice, "Pedestrians Cross Here." "Humph!" she muttered, "and I shouldn't blame 'em it' they were downright angry." TURNED OUT. Jack: What did the landlady do when she found that you had left the light burning for three days? Spratt: She turned us both out. PERILS OF INDUSTRY. "Yes. lady, I lost me leg working in a mineral mine." said the tramp. "Ah," replied the old lady, "few of us realise the dangerous work necessary in order to provide us with our ginger beer and lemonade." ■ ' IDENTIFICATION. "Is Mr. Perkins at home?" inquired the caller. . \ "Which one, sir?" asked the parlourmaid. "There are two brothers living here." For a moment the caller looked puzzled, then he had a brain wave. "The one that has a sister at Birmingham," he explained. SUICIDAL. A dear old lady had attended a health lecture, and stayed behind to ask the lecturer a question. ... , "Did I understand you to say/ she asked "that deep-breathing kills microbes? "I certainly did say that many microbes are killed by deep breathing," replied the e "Then can you tell me, please// she asked, "how one can teach the microbes to breathe deeply?" ■■ MUDDLED. Client (who has just had a shave): "You ought to dismiss that boy-he has no idea of his work." . . ~,_, .. Barber: "He must have got mnddled—he used to work for a wood carver. WHAT'S LEFT? Customer: "Can you vouch for this table , as coming from the loth century? Antique Dealer: "I certainly can. Why, it was so old that I had to put four new legs on it and a new top. ETIQUETTE. "Tommy," said the teacher, "I wish you wouldn't come to school with such dirty hands. What would you say if I came to school with dirt and ink all over my D wouldn't say anything," answered the ' child promptly, "I'd be too polite. SATISFACTION. - Outside a church in Aberdeen stood a woman with a baby in her arms. Both were crying. A man stopped and asked what was the trouble. . "Och, sir," said the woman, they won't baptise the bairn till they get five shillins', and I don't have it." "Dear me," said the Aberdoman, if that's all, we'll soon put that right. Here s a pound for ye. Go and get the bairn baptised, and bring me the change.'ln ten minutes the woman came back smiling and returned 15s "Ah. my good woman." said the man, "and now we're all happy. 'You're happy because the bairn is baptised, the minister's happy because he's got his ss, and I'm happy because I've been trying to change that bad pound, note for the last three years/' ,

WISDOM! Perkins and Wilkins were arguing about the. merits of their two horses, and to decide the question they arranged a race between them to take place on a date three weeks ahead, and stake to be £SO, .winner take all. A week before the race a rumour went round that Wilkins's horse had gone lame. To everybody's surprise Perkins went to Wilkins and agreed to cancel the race for £lO- ' , , , "Why did you do that?" they, asked him. "Why didn't you demand to have the race run and win the £so'?" "Don't be silly," he answered. . "My horse fell down dead the clay after we made the bet." SAVED. A curate was reading over the notes for his sermon when his small son came in timidly and asked: "Father is your t sermon for to-day going to take long?' "No, my boy, not very," was the reply. "Exactly how long is it?" asked the boy. "It will take about twenty minutes," answered the curate, a little astonished. The boy heaved a sigh of relief.'. . "Thank goodness!" he gasped. "The other chaps said they'd give me an awful licking if it was more than half an hour." THE "BEAR" FACTS. The performing bear had escaped from the menagerie, and roamed eagerly around the countryside in search of prey; Suddenly he espied a sweet maiden- standing beside a tree, waiting for her sweetheart. Creeping stealthily up behind her, the (boar seized her in his tremendous paws and pressed her to him in a mighty hug. [For some minutes he held her thus, and was just about to drop what he thought was her lifeless body to the ground when he heard her murmur—"l don't think you are quite as strong as you used to be, Ralph." That night a miserable bear crept back to the menagerie. The modern girl had broken his spirit. LOST AT SEA. Officer (referring to member of crew who was picked up after being in the water for over an hour). —"Is he all right?" Sailor: "Yes, sir, 'cept that he seems to 'avc lost 'is sense of humour!" ADROIT. " Forgetful Husband (to friend): "I want you to help me. I promised to meet my wife at 1 o'clock for luncheon, and I can't remember where. Would you mind ringing her up at our house and asking her where I am likely to be about that time?" THE REAL PERIL. During the furnace-cleaning operations in a. large steel works the workmen occasionally had to walk across a plank high in] the air. One of them would cross it on his hands and knees. "Are you frightened of walking on the plank?" the foreman said to him once."No, sir," replied the man; "'tis frightened I am of walking off it!" VICE OR GIFT. A woman of uncertain vocal attainments deemed it her duty not merely, to lead, but to drown the efforts of the village choir. The choir rose in protest, and asked the vicar to inform the offender that she must sing in harmony.' Calling on her as soon' as he could brace himself up for the unpleasant duty, the vicar said blandly: "And now, Miss R., I have been asked to say a word to you about your singing " "Don't mention it," the.chorister broke in. "Not to me be the praise—it's a gift!"