Wit and Humour

Evening Post, Volume CIX, Issue 115, 17 May 1930, Page 21

Wit and Humour

Mrs. . Blabface—That new hat makes ypur face look short. Mrs. Styles—That's strange. It made my husband's face look long. , Asker—How did you find the scenery ' along the road? Teller—By looking through a knot-hole in oiie of the billboards. Mother—Freddy, the canary has disappeared. Freddy—That's funny. It was there just now when I tried to clean it with j the vacuum cleaner. ' Distressed Visitor—Tell the doctor to come at once, my little girl has swallowed a needle. , Maid—The doctor's very busy at the moment, but I can lend you a needle. ; "Busy" was the word from the inner , office when Mr. Salesman called. j Nothing daunted, he wrote across his <■ card: "That's why I am calling. I haven't i any time to waste on loafers," and sent it ; in again. This time he got in.

In a crowded tram. . "Excuse me, ma'am, here is a strap." "I have a strap, thank you." ■ "Nothing of the kind. You have hold of m; ear." At a village Polio* Court a prisoner was brought up for the fortieth time. "The same old face," remarked the Magistrate. . ■.■.•.< "Ah, the same old dial, sir," said the prisoner. - "Yes," returned the Magistrate, "the same old dial here is to give you the usual time." . i- ' "Which is the farther away," asked a teacher, "England or the moon?" "England,!' . the children answered quickly. "England?" she questioned. 'What makes you think that?" " 'Cause we can see the moon and we can't see England," answered one of the brightest of the class. . • Mr. Portleigh wanted his portrait painted', but the artist asked for' a fee of £200. ' , "I couldn't think of paymK. more than •CliW." said iMr. Portleigli. ' "Very good," said-. the artist; but J shall have to make tb<i portrait look more like you." ■ ■ A motorist was charged with exceeding the speed limit along a country lane. "Is it a fact,", the Magistrate.asked the policeman in the witness box, "that the defendant's car went round tb corner at 30 miles an hour?" • The policeman nodded. , "Yes, sir. ;It most have been quite that." '■•■■■ - "What gear was he in?" The policeman looked puzzled. "He was travelling too fast for me to see properly, sir,", he ■said, "but I remember he had ■; a .bowler hat and a black scarf on." '"'..'... An old farmer, went to a dentist to have an aching molar removed. The operation was completed, and the patient then instructed the dentist to remove the next one. . " . ' "It isn't necessary," explained the dentist, after examining the tooth. mat tooth is perfectly sound. It only aches in sympathy with the one 1 removed. "Then yank it out," growled the farmer. "I've no patience with such sympathy. . Tommy had sprained his wrist, and didn't want to go to school. "But your wrist' is nicely bandaged, urged his mother. "It won't prevent you from attending classes." Sti" the boy held back. ~ Bad took a hand at this point. "■' "Now, speak up, son," commanded his father. "Let's have the real reason. Why don't you want to go to school with a sprained wrist?" ' 1. .>, "Too many boys owe me a licking. It was market day, and the little village bus was crowded to its last seat with burly farmers. ■ ■ . • . Presently the vehicle came to a stopping place and a tall, cadaverous-looking individual clambered aboard and looked round for a seat. Finding that it' .. was impossible to squeeze in anywhere, he turned to two farmei. who seemed to be taking up more than their share of room. "Excuse gentlemen, he said, politely enough, "but I must ask you^to sit a> little closer. According to an Act of I • think every passenger is entitled to eighteen inches of seating accommodation." . "That be all very well for ye, sir, replied one of the farmers, "but ye cannot blame us if we're no' constructed according to the Acts of Parliament." After a knock had been repeated three 'times on the office door, the man within rose from his desk and took up a flannel bandage. This he put round his neck. Then he arranged a sling; in which he put one arm, disarranged bis hair, and limpec painfully toward the door. "Mr. Wincomby?" inquired the caller. The man with the bandage had half suppressed a gioan. "Yes, that's my name. What can I do for you?" "You appear to be suffering." \ "Suffering! Do you think I'm doing this for, fun? But what is your business? "Kr—pardon me," stammered the caller. "I think I'll drop in some other time, eh?"—and he departed hurriedly. "It's some trouble," said the man with the bandage, ;is he removed it and re-tm-aed to his desk, "but it's the quickest way to get rid of these life insurance agents."

"How do you like me in my new gown? I got it at a:ridiculous price." "You-mean you got it for an; absurd figure!" ■ "Biffins has worked himself up, hasn't he?" "How do you mean? "He used to be a chiropodist; now he's a dentist." "John, you think more, of tliat oli radio than you do of me." "Well, dear, I get less ' interference from it." . 1 Lifctle Ethel—Mother, are you the nearest relative I've got? ' Mother—Yes, dear, and your father is the closest. • ~ • Mrs. Railings—Vain man! Did you never observe that designers take a woman's head to adorn many of your Husband (meekly)—No, but I have observed that designers take many, of my coins to adorn,a woman's head.

"What is the secret of success?" "Push," said the Button.. "Never be lead," said the' Pencil. "Take pains," said the! Window. "Always keep cool," said the Ice. "Be up to date," said the Calendar. "Never lose your head;" said the Match. "Make light of your troubles," said the Fire. . :: . . . .••, Betty, had been to the pil'cus, and next time she was naughty mother sought to improve the occasion, ; , ,' "Don't you think," said she, "that if dogs and lions and elephants are so well behaved and obedient a little girl should be equally ready to do as she-is'"told?" "Yes, I suppose so," said Betty, thoughtfully, "if she's been as well trained." The driver of the motor-car which had just knocked down a man, fortunately without injuring him, stopped" the car and faced his victim manfully. ■ : "I am sorry it happened," ■ he said. "You should take more care when you are walking. 1 am. a very experienced ■driver. I haye1 been driving a;■ car for nine yosirs." : . ! .."Well.1' replied' the victim. ''L'm not a novice myself. I've been walking for 4'J yours!" . .' ■ ■ ■.. '~ "Halloa, Smith, how are you?" exclaimed Jones. ■ . .-. ' "Never see you ■ working. in the garden these- days', and you never come ito see us now." ■ ' ' . '■ .■. ■' ■■ "Well, old- chap,"- replied Smith, "it's not through bad, feeling or. anything like that. The fact is '.that, you,,,and .Mrs. Jones have borrowed so many things from the wife and me lately tKat ■when I gee the inside of your place it makes me homesick." ' ■ ■ ■-'■-. " ■■■ ; : '; The. old gentlemanv'WM paying- a visit to a distant' relation., . For < the whole of the afternoon he had submitted to the attentions, of his hostess's young ion, but at last be began to grow tired of having his whiskers pulled and his toes trodden on. .-.-'.. "Madame," he said, as he was about to depart, "there is one thing about your charming young son which especially pleases me." "And what is, that?" asked, the.smiling mother. . . ■■ "That he isn't a twin," replied the old gentleman. ■ . ; The two boys were talking' of the sporting prowess of their respective fathers. "My dad has an English \ Cup medal," sai Johnny proudly. ' "That's nothing," put in little- Martin. "My father has two English Cup medals, a league championship medal, two boxing belts, a cup for rowing, and one each for swimming and cycling." "My hat," cried the amazed Johnny, "I didn't know your, dad was such a-fine athlete." . '.' ; ~':;-. "Oh, but he's not," ■'replied Martin; ."dad's a pawnbroker." ■•■-.- It was the day before Billy's birthday. "I want you to come with me to choose a new pair of. trousers," said, the boy's mother. "They will be a present from father and myself." ■■'■"'."'• Reaching the village High street, mother and son made a good inspection of the shops. ' . ■ ■ "Have you seen 'a.'pair that you like yet. asked mother, as they'were gazing into a clothier's shop. ! . "Not yet, mum!"; replied thei .boy. Presently they moved on to another shop, and-before the boy's■ mother had time to look round Billy gave an exclamation of delight. ' ■■" . . .' . ■ "I've decided, mum," he said. "I'll have that pair marked 'Cannot be beaten.'" , UNIMPORTANT. "Look here, waiter, is this plum or apple tart?" ' "Can't you tell from the taste, sir?" "No, I can't." "Well, then, what difference does it make?".. , - A MONOPOLIST. Bill Smith went to the seaside for a week or two, and on his return took Sam Jones to task. ■•■"■.'■ "Look here, Sam," he said, "I understand that while I-was away you took advantage of my absence to see Mabel Green nearly every night." ■-~.- . "No. Bill," said Sam, "you're mistaken. It's her sister, Sallie Green, that I've been seeing."' ' . "Well," said Bill, "that makea'no difference. I have my eye ,on both those girls." ' . ; \', '.:':',■■ \

HIS ANSWER. Father: Tommy, stop" pulling that cat's tail Tommy: I'm only holding the tail; the cat's pulling it. IDEAL HOLIDAY. . Tommy (arriving at the country cottage): Where's the bathroom,' mothaf? Mother: There's no bathroom here, Tommy. ' Tommy: Oh, we're going to have a real holiday, then. ■ ■ ' SARCASTIC. ' "My husband considered very carefully before he proposed to me." "Yes, these cautious, people usually come off worst." WISE. '■,•■'"■■ Bobby: How did the Sphinx .get the credit of being so ..'ise? Dad: By keeping his mouth shut for three thousand years! UNHEALTHY NOT TO. r Tourist, iv mining town: Is this a good healthy place to settle in? Hotelkeeper: It is, stranger. Fact is, ye can't get away from here alive, unless ye do settle. .•■.... THERE NOW! He: I've waited more than an hour for you! She: Why, I thought I told you I'd be a .cn1 minutes late?, MEDICINE. Dr. 'Ends: There is nothing serious the matter with Freddie, Mi's. ISlakly. I think a little soap and water will do him as much: good as anything. ■ Mrs. Blakly: Yes, doctor, an' will 1 give it to him before or after his meals? OH, MEMORY! He: You know I love you. Will you marry me? . . ■ She: But, my dear boy, I refused you only a week ago. . He:-Oh, was that,you? . : x TO THE POINT. An American, wanting .to ' know all about a farm, wrote the following "letter to the owner: "Who owns the hut? What's it built of? What sort of soil? What sort of weather? Any animals natural to the locality? What do you chiefly'live on? Any friends? The owner replied: Moggs, logs, bogs, fogs, frogs, hogs, dogs. .TIT FOR TAT. "My son," said a father, "take that jug and get, me a pint of. milk." "Give me the money then," said the son, who knew his father's reputation for obtaining gpods on credit. , "Money,"- said the other. "Why, any one can get milk with money. But to get milk without money—that's a trick." So the boy took the jug and went out. Shortly afterwards he returned and placed the jug before his father. "What's the meaning of this?" asked his father angrily. "There is no milk here!" "To nse milk out of a jug which contains milk —any one can do that," replied the boy. "But to use milk out of a jug i which contains no milk—that's^ a "trick." : ' STATISTICS. ' ■ V'"i It wpiild take 6789 navvies 7G5,590 .years, sis-months, and two days to tear down the Swiss Alps. .:•■ ; Every day the sun' doesn't shine in the Island of Thau'et, the weather is either cloudy, partly cloudy, or rainy. , If all the pedestrians were laid end to end, wouldn't the motorists, have a circus! ' N. ■ '.- •■' ■ '■■ < To. make a trip around the world.a kangaroo would have to jump . 9,576,432 ]/4 times. ■ ■ ■ ■■ ■ • - Motorists, in this country run,into millions. We. wish they didn't., _ , ;.-. ; If all the policemen blew their'whistles every time they wet.their whistles,' what a noise there would be. • • If all the- salt used annually' in salting salted peanuts were put in a pile there would be quite a. lot of it. /. Seventy-five per cent, of the girls me j working girls—the other twenty-five, pei j cent., are working men. .•,•:■'. ' !. Where- the population is most dense is ' Must 'above the: ears. :„'..," .. • ..,.. j